The Engineering deck was deserted. The drive core was humming its normal tune. The noise left Commander Jane Shepard feeling slightly more at ease than she had when she first arrived. A party was going on upstairs in the mess-hall, something Christmas related, but Jack hadn't appeared for it. No one noticed that the young biotic was missing except Shepard.
Descending the staircase to cargo storage, Shepard kept her eyes open, searching for the dangerously beautiful woman. The cot she usually slept on was empty, the sheets still wrinkled from the night before. Jack used sex casually, almost as if it was nothing more than a game to her. Maybe it was. Shepard had to admit to herself that a few years before she probably would have done the same. Hell, she had done the same. Jane's fraternization with Major Kaidan Alenko had been something to get her mind off of the crap she'd had to deal with. Their relationship had ended as quickly as it had started.
There was something about Jack, however. The intricate tattoos that covered most of her body, the smirk that she'd give Shepard when she realized that the Commander enjoyed her company, the way a fight would light a fire in her soul, it was all maddening. But there was one thing preventing the two of them from being together.
Jack's painful past.
Shepard had her own share of tortuous memories. Her entire squad on Akuze was slaughtered, a thresher maw attack claiming their lives. She'd been the sole survivor of the tragedy and yet, she didn't feel like she was surviving at all. The nightmares, the guilt, the wish that things could have turned out differently… it all weighed on her. There were times that she wished she hadn't lived.
"Shepard?"
Jane Shepard turned to meet the soft voice. Her eyes immediately found the dark ones of the woman she'd been searching for. Her eyeliner was smudged, her cheeks wet. Tears were replaced by fresh ones as they stood across from each other.
"What are you doing here?" Jack asked, keeping her gaze to the ground beneath Shepard's feet.
"Jack? Is something wrong?" Shepard took a step forward, intending to reach out and comfort her.
Throwing her hands up defensively, Jack turned away and put some distance between them. "Why are you even here?"
Jane curbed the desire to pull the unwilling woman into her arms and hold her. She wanted to chase away her fears. She wanted to help her battle her demons. She just wanted to help. "I came looking for you. You didn't come up for the party-"
"Is that what's important to you? Some stupid fucking party?" Jack snapped, crossing her arms in front of her chest, covering the leather vest that she wore as a shirt. "Unbelievable."
Shepard reached out for Jack's shoulders, not thinking of the consequences if the biotic lashed out at her. "You are what's important to me, Jack. That's why I came down. To make sure you were alright."
"Bullshit."
Fresh tears spilled down Jack's cheeks. Shepard wiped them away with a hand, the warmth of the liquid touching her skin. It wasn't normal for Jack to show emotion. She hid them below an angry, tough exterior which nothing could penetrate. Shepard was looking at another version of herself. A version that could have been real had her life turned out differently.
Even though she still possessed many of the traits Jack did, Shepard had never been alone with her demons. Captain Anderson had picked her as XO when she was at a time in her life when nothing mattered to her. He had saved her life. She had managed to keep herself from the clutches of death for a second time and she wondered how long her luck would hold out.
Her survival on Akuze had guaranteed her a bright military career. It didn't deter the nightmares from appearing while she slept, but it was enough to get her out of bed in the morning. Jack hadn't been given that stability. She had been kidnapped, tortured and experimented on during her childhood. As an adult, her powers had been manipulated, her trust broken, and her heart crushed.
"I know it hurts. Being the only one to survive, losing the person you cherished most. But Jack-"
"You know nothing." She hissed, turning away to hide her face.
Shepard had seen this in Jack's behavior previously and now recognized it in herself. "We're the same, Jack."
Silence met her statement. Shepard knew this would be a difficult conversation. Jack hadn't been exactly forthcoming about her past so the Shepard did the only thing she could think of. She opened her own heart.
"On Akuze, I was part of a group attempting to set up the colony there. We made camp one night and then suddenly we were set upon by thresher maws. I remember the battle clearly. It's never really left me." Shepard rubbed at a spot between her eyebrows. The memories came flooding back to her: the ground quaking, the screams of her fellow soldiers, the blood… "We didn't stand a chance. We were unprepared for something so monstrous."
Jack glanced at Shepard. Her face didn't betray what she was feeling. "What happened?"
"They all died. Every single one. I couldn't save them." Shepard could feel her chest tighten as the reminder of that horrible day filled her mind. "I don't know how or why I survived, but I've never forgotten it. If I could, I would give my life to bring back any one of those men and women."
"I'm sorry. I didn't know."
The tears had stopped and the relief that Shepard felt was overwhelming.
"I'm not asking for an apology, Jack." Shepard said with a smile. "I'm asking for you to not let your past define you."
Jack's hand smoothly fit into hers. The pair stood beside each other, their hands entwined, letting the silence comfortably float between them. Shepard wanted her to be happy. She wanted to see her smile. Reliving those memories was a small price to pay if it helped Jack heal. If it helped her heal.
When Jack finally spoke, it was a simple two words. "I'll try."
Even though they promised nothing, Shepard still smiled. It was all she would ask of Jack. It was enough.