Tactical Appraisal

A/N: First Mass Effect fic, maybe not the last, but something bugged me big time about after Virmire. I wish we'd gotten something like this conversation. Hope you enjoy :)

Shepard/Ashley

Balanced Paragon/Renegade

"Skipper?"

Sitting at his computer terminal in his quarters, trying to figure out how to write a letter that could possibly explain what had happened, Shepard turned to look at the doorway where Ashley stood, looking quite odd and sunken in her standard dark blue BDUs "Chief?"

That's what they'd been for the past few hours; Commander and Gunnery Chief. Not Shepard and Ashley. It was the only way to not get into an argument, Shepard knew Ashley wouldn't stop until she knew for a fact.

Ashley didn't move from her position at the door, she was as immobile as possible, obviously trying to hide her true feelings. "Do you have a minute?"

It was obvious what was on her mind, it was on everyone's mind. Ashley was unique though, the problem affected her directly rather than separately. "Depends."

Sighing, Ashley flexed her fist hard enough to audibly crack her knuckles. "We… I… want to know why you chose me."

Clenching his jaw as he turned away from her, Shepard went though his thought processes. It hadn't been an emotional decision, he was too well trained to let that happen. This was going to be a hell of a conversation and it was likely that Ash would hate his guts after having it.

But if that's what it took, then it would have to be. "I already told you. It was my decision and Kaidan knew the risks."

"He was an officer; I'm just the rank and file." Her voice was soft, Shepard had rarely heard Ash speaking like this in the past three months, and he had plenty of conversation to support his theory. The past day had been brutal though.

Again, Shepard had unimaginable patience with Ashley because despite her rock hard exterior, he knew she took even the smallest things personally. "You don't have to keep paying for Shanxi, I've got no use for someone with a death wish."

Ashley shook her head. "It's not that Skipper, it's…"

"How many times do I have to tell you, Ash?" Shepard tersely interrupted her. She was just repeating the same old tired rhetoric. "I'm the one who gave the order. I'm the one who sent Kaidan with the Salarians." Now convinced that he had to either reassure or reprimand her, Shepard got up and waved her in. "Don't just stand there, if you want to talk then we'll talk in private."

Ashley frowned slightly, but did as she was told. She stepped in and the door closed behind her. "Sorry if I'm being jar headed skipper. but that comes with the package."

She wouldn't take no for an answer. Shepard expected as much. "That attitude doesn't help, Chief. But I can't put my life into someone's hands who doesn't trust me." Brutal words, but Shepard wasn't one to mince them.

Ashley bristled, and realized that this might not be the private personal conversation she'd grown accustomed to with Shepard. "No, sir! This Marine has your back all the way!" She snapped to attention, obviously falling back on her training.

Shepard chuckled ruefully. She just didn't get it. "Stand down, Ash. We're way past rank and titles now." Turning around again, Shepard winced. It was a tactical and logical decision. It just happened to coincide with saving a woman whom he was… well, that was another matter altogether. "You want to know the truth? What made me decide to go back for you instead of Kaidan?"

Ashley slumped a little, but only enough to be at ease. "I…" Sighing, Ashley bowed her head. "You know, I don't think twice about putting myself in harm's way. You tell me to take on a Colossus and I know you're right there by me. I'm ready to meet my maker. But I can't… I just, I can't function at the thought of someone dying for me."

Not exactly an answer, but not exactly surprising. Shepard was unbelievably impressed with Ashley's combat abilities. Fighting Geth, Biotics, Rachni… it was all so much more than just a standard grunt could handle. Ashley was something different. "I know you're ready. You've made your peace and you're just doing what you think is right." Turning back to Ashley, he could see that the only answer he could give was the truth. "He didn't die for you. He died because he wasn't protecting that nuke."

Ashley furrowed her brow, he hands behind her back as if at ease, but quietly fidgeting. "Sorry?"

Sighing, Shepard rubbed his forehead. "Tactical appraisal, Williams. Kaidan was holed up in an AA tower, you were protecting the nuke, what was more important to protect from the Geth?"

Ashley's jaw dropped slightly, it had been so obvious and yet she missed it. "Wha… you… you mean...?"

Stepping closer to her and now in her personal space, Shepard nodded slightly and said in a softer yet intimidating tone. "Command level decision. Look at the big picture. Two choices, Save the superior officer and pray to god you held them off long enough, or back you up until that nuke was primed. I know you would have set off that nuke, Ash, I'm not questioning your dedication. But I didn't know if you'd have the chance before the Geth killed you. That nuke had to go off, and Kaidan knew that."

It was the most brutal honesty Ashley had ever heard, her jaw trembled slightly at the realization that she was only alive because the mission had thrown her a lucky fluke. It brought up so many other questions, why had Shepard chosen Ashley to come with him instead of the Salarians? Was it because of her opinions? Had he gauged the chance that maybe she'd perform better alongside Shepard instead of aliens?

Nothing made sense anymore, and even more, the world seemed disjointed. What she'd assumed, that he'd acted emotionally because.. because they were friends, was wrong. But was it? "So you came back for me because…"

Shepard surprisingly clenched his jaw and refused to look at her. If he had an answer, he wasn't saying it.

That's when Ashley realized the full extent of the truth. She finally understood what this… relationship was. He was ready to sacrifice everything if it meant stopping Saren, even her. She had never felt so reassured and disillusioned at the same time. But that didn't change things. Looking into Shepard's face, Ashley realized that it didn't change the way she felt, the way he made her feel.

Shepard finally turned back to her. His voice had lost its intimidating tone and now spoke gently. "Is that all, Ash?"

Staring at each other, Ashley knew what she would do for him. She also knew what he would be willing to do for her. There were still a dozen things to do, but at least now she knew where she stood with Shepard.

Shepard on the other hand was forcing his emotions down. This wasn't covered in training dammit! How could he believe that a woman like this could ever…? Especially after telling her this? He needed her fighting skills more than he needed her in his arms, but were they mutually exclusive?

The silent awkward moment had become something else now. The unspoken bond between the two soldiers flared, and Ashley could now see that he was hiding. She understood, and even more, now she knew that he wasn't above this feeling. "Shepard…"

With a mask of impenetrable control over his face, his eyes told Ashley what his words couldn't. "Ash…"

Inching closer, Shepard noticed her body language. He must have been giving off the same request for comfort because the next thing he knew, they had their arms around each other. A full bodied hug of solace, of being so glad the other was alive that words just weren't enough.

Kaidan was dead, and now both Alliance soldiers were determined to support each other in making Saren pay.