Taking a mini-break from my other fic to write this cause I just have to. So it's my take on what could be going on, I'm pretty sure the SVU writers will have a different spin to it. It takes off in the new year, Patton's in NY for that conference he mentioned. I'm basing my fic on the promo & the two script spoilers we've gotten. The new episode stills messes a bit with my timeline/events but oh well.
Since Rollaro is established that's where I'm taking off from, where I'll land... who knows!?
NBC owns everything but my creativity! English isn't my native language just so you know.

Chapter 1

"If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself." ~ George Orwell

Amanda walked in to the squad room and immediately spotted Nick's jacket hanging over his chair. Ten days. That's how many it had been gone and how many days she'd missed seeing it hanging there. She spotted him over by the coffee machine. Just by watching his back she could tell he was very focused on fixing his coffee just the way he liked it in the mornings. The few times they'd actually woken up in the same bed he'd never trusted her to make him his morning coffee. She smiled at the memory and fought an urge to reach out and touch his jacket as she passed his desk.

She kept watching him out of the corner of her eye as she made her way over to her desk, hoping he might spot her and that he hopefully would shot her a smile. But he never looked up from his business of stirring his java and she threw a glance inside Liv's office as she hung her winter coat on the hanger by the wall. Liv wasn't in yet but then she remembered Liv was at the conference this first Saturday of January of 2015. The same conference as her old chief was at. He'd tried calling her last night. Three times he'd called and three times she'd muted her phone and let it go to voicemail. She cringed just thinking of having to have a drink with Patton. She hoped he would get drunk early, it was his usual MO after all, and find someone else to hit on tonight. She didn't know how much she would regret thinking that.

She turned around, he still hadn't noticed her and she sat down at her desk to start her computer up. She punched in her password but then let out a deep sigh and looked over Nick's way again. Still stirring his coffee to get the exact right temperature. She pushed her chair back out and hurried over to him before her courage failed her.

"Nick, happy New Year," she said and tried her best to not smile awkwardly.
"You too," he said and actually looked happy to see her.

Had he missed her? Missed her just a little? No that was stupid. He'd been with his daughter, with his family, he'd probably spent zero time thinking of her. She grabbed the coffee pot and started to pour herself a cup as her thoughts took her down a dark path. She meant nothing to him. She couldn't really get a good read on his face out of the corner of her eyes but she could see he was still stirring. She put down the pot and took a deep breath.

"How were your…" she started as she exhaled.
"How were your holida…" he said at the exact same time and they both piped down.

They faced each other, both with smiles across their faces. Amanda felt her cheeks blush slightly as a chuckle escaped her throat, she did feel some tension rinse off though. He was interest in how her holiday had been, maybe he wasn't holding a grudge any longer? She caught him watching her mouth and she put her cup up to her lips to not pout or do something else really awkward under his watchful eye. The coffee was too hot but she managed to keep a straight face as the liquid burnt her tongue.

"So how were they?" he asked still watching her. She raised her eyebrows a little, totally clueless to what he was asking about.
"Your holidays?" he smiled and she tried to hide her embarrassment by chuckling a little.
"Oh, well… I was here," she said and looked out over the squad room.

His smile weakened slightly and she recognized that hint of pity in his eyes.

"Fin brought in eggnog one day though," she hurried to say, "forced us to listen to Christmas tunes for several days."
"Eek," Nick smiled and made a face.
"Tell me about it," she smiled. She could tell he was about to say or ask something else so she hurried to jump in.

"How were yours? Did you have fun with Zara?"
"Ah, yeah," Nick said and tasted his coffee. She could tell on his face that it was still a little too hot for his liking but she tried to control her smile.

"We had a beach party Christmas day, Zara had a ball," Nick reminisced with a smile, "I think she liked having both her mom and dad around. Maria really made an effort."
"That's nice," Amanda said and tried her best to keep a smile on her face.

She thought to herself that she should be able to be happy for Zara and she also recalled him calling her out on being jealous of Maria but she'd denied it. So why did she feel so bad over hearing him say he had a good time with Maria? Her emotions had been all over the place since the Pattern Seventeen case, maybe even ever since the bar?

Nick spotted her face changing a little and the last thing he'd wanted was to make her feel bad.

"Of course though Maria had to bring the guy she's dating, rub it in my face a little," he said.

Amanda tried to give him a sympathetic face but wasn't sure what to say. She started to walk back towards her desk and he followed her.

"So you've been busy here?" he asked.
"Nah, I mean cases have been coming in but nothing we couldn't handle on our own."

"So Liv's been able to spend some time with Noah?" he asked. Amanda nodded as she sat down by her desk.
"That's great, their first Christmas together," Nick said stopping right by her desk.

She smiled at him but had to look down as she felt weird all over as he was smiling back at her. He stayed put though and had another taste of his coffee. She could feel him watching her meanwhile and she tried to focus on her computer screen which was extremely hard.

"So did you…" he started and she glanced a little his way, "…hear from your mom or sister? Someone else from back home maybe?"

Someone else? She had to swallow to get the sour taste in her mouth down. She shot him a brief smile and looked back down. He must've gotten her answer as he walked away towards his desk. He probably had that pity look all over his face as well. She loved everything about his face but when he got that pity in his eyes then she was ready to strangle him like the good old days.

Nothing was said between them until Fin finally walked in.

"My man, welcome back," he said and bumped fists with Nick. Amanda smiled, her partner seemed to be in good spirits. Fin went on to quiz him a little about his Christmas in Cali and she had to hear him mention that beach party again. She learned of a kite surfing ride as well and him making Zara sit through the classic "Miracle on 34th Street". She remembered seeing that movie with her dad as well during one of those Christmases he'd actually been around.

"So, you guys want to catch me up? And where the hell is new guy?"

Fin chuckled and let Nick know Carisi had told them yesterday that he would take a few personal hours and come in a little late today, something about driving his nana back to her nursing home after she'd spend the holidays at his house.

"Carisi and his nana, now that almost sounds worth staying in New York for," Nick joked and Amanda tried to join in with Fin's second round of chuckles but she piped down before anyone could catch her faking it.

The day went on. Fin and Amanda headed out to check on a victim that had been badly cut during a rape attempt on new years and was still hospitalized. They had some DNA from the perp, scrapings from underneath the victim's nails, but they got no hit in CODIS and since she hadn't gotten a good look on him they had very little to go on. Amanda promised her yet again though that they wouldn't drop the case, that they would keep investigating until they caught this creep. Amanda knew it might be dishonest of her to make that promise and judging by the look Fin gave her as they left the victim she was pretty sure he would say the same but this girl was a fighter and Amanda had to make sure she stayed that way.

"What?" she moaned as he still hadn't said anything as they got further down the hospital corridor. She knew it was coming so she preferred he said it now sooner than later.
"You can't promise her that," he said with his usual you-should-know-this tone of voice.
"Of course I can," Amanda said as she decided to talk back to him even though she knew he was usually right. He said nothing but she could feel him giving her the stunned look and her face cracked a little.

"We're a good unit Fin, we can still catch him even though we have little to go on," she said and gave him a pleading look. She needed a win right now. She needed to nail a crook.
"She needs to know that we're not giving up on her," she said as they walked out of the hospital and she felt Fin pat her back slightly as they swopped sides as she was in the driver's seat.
"And you made sure of that," he said, "I just don't want you to get too invested."

He squeezed her upper arm a little before he let her go and then purposely avoided the prickly look he knew she would give him. He knew it would be gone before they reached the car. He knew that she knew he only looked out for her but she still had that compulsion to act as she didn't want or need his protection. He knew she did though and he just let her prickly charm run off him. He didn't know what it was but he could almost sense immediately when they come upon a case that would suck his partner in completely. When a case would drain her and that would have her fighting tooth and nail and work all hours of the day if she was left unsupervised. Come to think of it this entire holiday season she'd been like that.

He figured it might have something to do with Benson not being around as much. She might feel as though the female connection fell all on her and she needed to connect with the victims even more in the absence of their sergeant. He wasn't sure though that was the only thing going on. He'd been worrying about her for a while now. She'd been coming in late, looking exhausted and feeling tense. She had said she wasn't gambling again and he had to take her word for it. One thing he hadn't discussed with her was the status of whatever she had going on with their other partner, Amaro, but he had a sense it was a bit rocky or maybe even over with. One part of him wished it was over since he felt she needed to look out for herself and Amaro just didn't seem like a good fit to him, but on the other hand their sneaking around made her at least leave work in time.

During the holidays he'd been left with that responsibility, to get her to eat, sleep and breathe between shifts. He was pretty sure she wasn't gambling but he wasn't sure if it was the urge to gamble that gave him that unnerving vibe from her. There was something going on and he'd been given plenty of time during the holidays to try and find out what it was. But it seemed she'd set her mind on working out whatever was bothering her on her own.

He'd kept trying though, in his own subtle way of course. They'd spent a lot of time together during the holiday. She'd joined him at Teresa's Christmas dinner, they'd grabbed beers after most every shift and she'd spent several nights on his couch. She'd always been gone in the morning though, he figured she might have to see to Frannie. That's the excuse she'd given a few weeks back when she'd stayed on his couch as well but been gone in the morning. He chose to trust her but would feel a little more relieved if he could get it confirmed.

He gave her a look as they were both seated in the car and he could tell any animosity between them was gone.

"Let's get lunch partner," he said, "Carisi texted that they want us to meet up with them."
"You mean we're going to sit through another lunch with Carisi talking about his fabulous nana," she moaned and Fin chuckled.
"You know you love Carisi's nana just as much as he does," Fin teased.

After spending yet another lunch listening to Carisi the teams split up again. Fin and Amanda took another run at the witnesses in their case, the two young women that had been with the victim at the private party she'd been drugged at. They hadn't seen her stumble out of the apartment and thus far not seen if anyone followed her outside. They hadn't seen anyone paying her extra attention during the night or anyone spike her drink.

Fin and Amanda revisited the two men that had heard the woman fight off her offender in the staircase and come to her aid. They hadn't seen much of the perpetrator since the woman was bleeding and they'd focused their attention on saving her life. They gave the same weak description of the perp wearing jeans and a hoodie, the height of the guy still varied depending on which one of the guys you listened to but this time around one of the guys remembered what he thought was a phone ringing. They were sure it was neither of their phones but of course they weren't sure if it might've been the victims but he was pretty sure it came from below where the perp had taken off so it was worth checking up. Since it was closing in on midnight new years eve they had a rather exact time and if they pulled phone activity from the building they might get lucky. Fin could tell Amanda was exhilarated with this new development but tried to get her to cool down just so she wouldn't crash and burn if nothing came up from the phone tabs.

At the end of shift they still had heard nothing from tech and Fin reminded Amanda that they'd talked about grabbing a beer after work and since they probably wouldn't get anything more today they might as well head out. When she played ? he reminded her that she was the one that had begged him to keep her company this time around.

"You sat right there on that exact spot on new year's eve and pleaded with me to get a beer this Saturday and now you do a 180," Fin said, with a playful tone though.
"I know but…"
"No butts, I even talked Nick in to joining and he and Carisi are already waiting for us so c'mon, get moving," he said and gestured for her to move her ass.
"You're so bossy," she grunted as she passed him with her jacket in her hand.
"For that you're paying for the first round," Fin said trying to keep a straight face but failed as she smiled at him over her shoulder.

They decided to walk the two blocks to the bar and Amanda felt her phone buzz during the walk. She'd put it on vibrate a little earlier as she'd recognized the number and it was the same one this time around.

"Something about our case?" Fin asked as he'd noticed her going quiet and then going for her phone. She just shook her head firmly and put her phone back down.

They spotted Nick and Carisi in a booth by the wall and Carisi immediately waved them over. The place was packed but Amanda really wished they could find another table. As Fin paved the way over Amanda felt sick to her stomach as she knew she would probably have to make the decision on where to sit. Sitting next to Nick would mean she wouldn't have to look at him as often but she wasn't sure she could handle his proximity right now. She missed him but she was pretty sure she'd burnt her bridges and even if not all was lost she wasn't at all sure what she wanted right now.

"Hey," Carisi shouted way too loud as they approached and as Amanda expected Fin let her pass leaving the choice of where to sit up to her.
"Hi," she said feeling her gut wrenching, "I'm gonna go get us a round, you guys need refills?"

She didn't really catch their answer as she'd already turned around to head towards the bar.

"Hey, where you going?" Fin asked since he hadn't heard her.
"Getting beers, I'm buying remember?" she said and rolled her eyes at him a little.

"Women," Fin sighed as he placed himself next to Nick.
"Rollins?" Carisi asked but then started laughing for no apparent reason at all. Fin just looked at him.

"Something's up with her?" Nick asked quietly and caught his attention. Fin looked over towards the bar and spotted her blonde head leaning over the bar to perhaps order for them.
"She's okay," he said and leaned back in his seat. Nick looked as though he wanted to pry but he kept quiet.

When Amanda came back to the table Carisi was telling some story and where as usual very animated with his hands. Amanda made sure his hands were nowhere near the four bottles she'd brought back to the table. Nick had actually signaled to her that he didn't want another one and he watched her a little closer as Fin placed one of the bottles in front of him. Nick hadn't planned to have more than one beer but now it looked as he was having another one, he just needed to finish the first one first. Carisi stopped gesturing a little so he could take Amanda's jacket from her and stuff it down between himself and the wall. Nick kept watching Amanda as she sat down but she kept her eyes down as she tasted her beer and then her eyes went directly to Carisi as she seemed to try and jump in to the story.

"You're buzzing," Carisi said after a while and no one understood what he meant until he got Amanda's phone up out of her jacket pocket.
"Oh," she said and seemed a little bothered as she looked at her phone.
"What's up?" Fin asked but Amanda shook him off for a second time that night as she shoved her phone down in her back pocket.

She turned to Carisi and told him to go on as though she was interested in hearing what happened after they'd arrested these guys up in Bronx. Fin could clearly see she wasn't though but didn't bust her on it in front of the others.

Two beers later she headed for the bathroom and bumped in to Nick in the narrow hallway outside the bathrooms as he was heading towards the gents.

"Oh sorry," Amanda smiled awkwardly since she'd been the careless one. A sound behind her back had made her look over her shoulder and she'd run straight in to him.
"Don't worry," he smiled. They just kept looking at each other for a few seconds until Amanda realized he was still holding on to her elbows and when she stirred a little in his grip he seemed to realize too and let her go immediately.

"So look, is-is everything okay?" Nick dared to ask and leaned in a little so no one would overhear.
"Yeah, sure, why…" she started but then piped down as she'd meant to ask why he thought something was wrong and she realized she didn't really want to know why he thought so.

"I'm fine," she said instead and tried to give him a reassuring smile along with the answer.
"Do you wanna… wanna head out of here and… like talk?" he said leaning in again and she felt a little flustered by his closeness but she really wasn't sure why she felt that way. She really wasn't sure what he was asking her either. Did he want to go home to have sex or did he really want to talk? She wasn't sure she wanted either of that but found herself putting her hand on his chest.

"I don't think that would… be a good idea," she said.
"Oh okay," he said and seemed a bit embarrassed.

He did feel a bit embarrassed, his suggestion had been to talk and he really wanted to do that but he realized it might've sounded like he wanted something else and now he wasn't sure exactly what he'd meant by it. She clearly didn't want either the former or latter with him, whatever that was, and it would be a lie to say he didn't feel a little hurt. And disappointed. He still had no idea what had gone down in that bar a few weeks ago but it had been on his mind a lot as he had some time to think about it while down in California and he'd become more and more certain that she was talking about something else than AJ and Paula. And she didn't strike him as the jealous type so he was pretty sure he'd been far off as he blurted that out. But what the hell was really going on? She did not come across as being okay and the fact she kept insisting she was just made him more certain on that.

"Look, I'm really sorry for the things I said," she said and seemed brutally honest, "and for putting my hands on you like that."

He felt her hand move slightly over his chest and it felt a whole lot better than the harsh scuffs she'd given his shoulder last time they socialized just the two of them. It felt really good to hear her apologize as well.

"I was so out of line," she said and he saw tears well up in her eyes. She quickly tried to blink them away though.
"Amanda what's going on?" he asked and put his hand over hers on his chest. She looked at their hands for a while, the sides of her mouth going up and down several times as though they had a hard time deciding whether to smile or stay sad.

"Amanda…" he whispered and got a little closer.

Before he could continue though her lips were covering his but he found himself quickly, pressing his lips just a hard against hers and his tongue came out to play as he felt her breathe over his lips. The kiss got passionate quickly and she moaned in to his mouth as he pressed her up slightly against the wall behind her. Their hands were still linked on his chest and his other hand went in underneath her hair and around her neck so he could hold her firmer against himself and get further down her throat. He'd thought of her plenty of times down in Cali and this was one of the hopeful scenarios he'd imagined as they got together again.

He suddenly felt her hand press up harder against his chest though and she seemed to want to distance herself from him. Both were in need of air and were panting a little as they separated. He kept his hand around her neck and let his fingers run slightly up in her hair, wanting to feel those soft tresses of hers underneath his touch in case he wouldn't get another chance.

"Nick," she breathed as soon as she was able to form a word as her head was still spinning slightly and her heart still racing as well as a familiar sensation between her legs that for some reason had her both feeling aroused and scared shitless.
"I'm sorry, I can't," she managed to say. She dug her fingers in to his chest a little as though she wanted to hold on to him even though she was slowly pulling herself away from him at the same time.

"But I'm so sorry for what I did, I had no right to treat you like that."
"It's okay Amanda…" he tried but she shook him off.
"No, no it's not Nick. It's never okay to…" her eyes went down to his chest as though she felt too embarrassed to look at him, "…to put their hands on someone like that. I'll be forever sorry for that."

"Don't…" he tried as she pulled herself even further away from him and slid out of his grip.
"I'm sorry Nick," she said though and moved backwards further down the hallway. She managed to bump in to someone again and she looked a little scared first but then excused herself before she hurried back out to the bar.

Nick fought an urge to run after her, he knew he couldn't make a scene in front of Fin and Carisi. He didn't want to out them in front of them as they'd managed to keep it a secret for so long and to disclose them when it seemed to be basically over seemed really stupid. But he really wanted to sort this out and for that to happen he had to talk to her. He figured it was probably better to do that once they were sober though. He'd been heading for the gents so he decided to head there and when he came back to the table Amanda had squeezed herself in to the corner behind Fin. She seemed to have jumped from beer to hard alcohol judging by the glass in front of her and he saw that as his cue to head out of there.

"So thank you guys," he started and didn't have to say more for Fin and Carisi to realize he was leaving and they both let out a displeased noise.
"I just flew back yesterday guys, I need sleep," he said smiling. He could tell Amanda avoided his eyes and he tried to not make it obvious it bothered him.

"I'll see you bright and early tomorrow right?" Nick grinned at Fin and Carisi as he put his jacket on.
"Yes daddy," Fin joked and Carisi echoed the 'daddy' as he chuckled.

"I'm sorry to leave you with these jokers Rollins," he said and finally got a look of her blues as she shot him a shy smile.
"Oh she loves these jokers," Fin said and pushed her arm hard so she almost fell in to the wall. But she just smiled at him, she could tell her partner was a little tipsy and she was used to him getting a little rough when that happened, she could take it.

"So bright and early then, good night," Nick said and started moving away but kept his eyes on Amanda as long as he possibly could without making it too obvious. Fin and Carisi shot him a couple of 'nights' and lighthearted 'good riddance' as he crossed the bar.

About two hours later Fin was the wise one that broke the party up. Amanda had moved on to non-alcoholic beverages after that last drink so she was pretty sober but could've stayed put for another few hours, the thought of going home didn't sit well with her and she tried to talk Fin in to grabbing one more beer even though she knew she did him a disfavor. Fin had made up his mind though and got the three of them out of there and out on the curb. As long as she'd known him he'd never gotten stupid drunk and neither was he tonight. Since Carisi lived a little on her side of the city Fin decided to flag down a cab for them and gave Carisi instructions to make sure his partner got home safe before he did.

"I can take care of myself," Amanda grunted even though she appreciated the gesture.

She would've preferred to go home with Fin though, his couch was rather comfy. She didn't want to say it out loud though as she feared Carisi would get the wrong impression and start spreading rumors or something. Not that she'd ever gotten the impression he was gossipy like that but she knew from experience that you could just never know, you had to watch your back in this line of work. A shield didn't necessarily mean you could be trusted. She welcomed a sloppy hug from Fin though, took what courage she could milk from it and then hastily let him go to jump in the cab before she changed her mind again.

Carisi started talking again the moment he got in the cab. She hummed several 'aha' and 'yeah' even though she had no idea what he was talking about. Her mind was elsewhere. She'd checked her phone, eleven missed calls during the night. She was a little afraid he would be waiting outside her place, it wouldn't be the first time that had happened if he did, never in New York though. She wasn't sure what she would do if she saw him there.

She looked over at Carisi. He'd apparently realized she wasn't paying him any attention and he was quiet and watching his phone. She found herself actually contemplating to ask him up. But that would give him the wrong idea right? They weren't really friends so he might take it the wrong way, expect things to happen perhaps. She didn't know him well enough to know what he was like off hours and she'd trusted the wrong people in the past. She knew she couldn't ask him up. He would get the wrong impression. If it was that she was hitting on him or that she was scared to be alone, either way he would get the wrong impression.

They pulled up on her street and she immediately started looking out for any unfamiliar movement outside her gate. Cars were parked outside her gate so the cabbie had a hard time finding a good place to stop and ended up passing her gate a little.

"Okay…" Amanda said and found herself dragging her sweaty palms against her thighs.
"You okay?" Carisi asked and Amanda realized she was lingering too long. Things got awkward.
"Yeah, yeah, of course," Amanda said but still felt unable to step out.
"Wh…" Carisi started as he gave her a weird look but she interrupted him.
"You want me to chip in?" she asked and pointed to the meter.
"Nah, I got it," Carisi said.

Amanda reluctantly grabbed the door and opened it up a little.

"We'll sit here until you're in okay," Carisi said like he could sense her apprehension.
"You don't have to do that," Amanda said and tried to sound cockier than she felt.
"I won't have it any other way," Carisi insisted though and she felt a little relieved that he was persistent.
"Thanks Carisi," she said quietly, not sure how he would react to her being grateful.
"No sweat," he said, "Tonight was nice, let's do it again soon. I'll see you in the morning."
"Yeah in the morning," she said as she stepped out on the street.

She shot him a look, gave him a smile and then shut the door. She kept looking around as she walked up to her gate. Just as promised the cab lingered until she was inside. The uneasy feeling stuck with her though as she made her way up. She caught sounds and reflections everywhere and felt like she was in some Japanese horror movie and her heart was still racing as she closed her door behind her. She jumped as she felt something nudge up against her leg and spun around with a shriek down her throat.

"Oh Frannie," she said and the fear came out as a chuckle as she sat down on her knees in front of her dog.
"You're home," she whispered and welcomed the dog's licks in her face.

Of course she was home, she remembered the text her neighbor had sent earlier. She couldn't take Frannie for the night and Amanda had even answered it was fine and suggested she'd drop her at the flat.

She sat there for a while just feeling the warmth from her canine as she pressed herself up against her body. It felt good to have her there, it made her feel a little bit safer at least for tonight.

"You wanna get some sleep," Amanda suggested as she started to feel how drained she really was, "C'mon girl. You're sleeping in momma's bed right."

A little while later, after a rather short but steamy shower, she curled up underneath her cover and Frannie laid down right in front of her so Amanda could wrap her arm around her.

"You'll keep me safe right," she whispered near the dog's ear and just like she heard her she saw Frannie tilt her head and it looked as though she blinked a few times to reassure her even more.

"You're such a good dog," she whispered and sneaked in even closer to the smaller frame next to her.

Amanda thought she heard a creak outside the bedroom and she looked to the barricaded door. She'd put a chair underneath the handle just as every night for the last few months. The lights were on, she knew the windows were secure, she had Frannie and she had her spare gun on the bed stand right next to her but still... she didn't feel safe. She wasn't sure how long she could go on like this. She felt as though her seams were breaking little by little. Like her insides were threatening to pour out and her heart slowly dying.

She just wanted it all to be over. She was sick of the internal pain, of trying to act as everything was fine and no matter how hard she scrubbed the shame just never seemed to come off. She wasn't sure how long she could go on like this. She was so tired but at the same time so scared of going to sleep as she knew what haunting images would come to visit her. There was just nowhere to run and as most nights lately she cried herself to sleep.