The Nightmare Begins Part One: Prequel to the Terror
Something warm was on her face. Lily groggily opened one eye. She immediately squinted; the sun was shining full blast through the window.
"Oh...man," Lily said. "I feel hungover or something." She looked around, confused about where she was. She felt the soft fabric of her Clyde Frog in her hands.
"What the..." she said and then suddenly she remembered. "Ahh! Jesus Christ, what the hell am I doing!" Lily leapt out of bed, shaking her head. She looked over and watched Cartman, still sleeping. Her face softened as she watched his chest rise and fall. The events of last night came rushing back to her in one big wave and she smiled a little. There was still about a half-hour before the alarm was going to go off, so she crawled back into the bed. Cartman stirred and muttered, rolling over but not awakening. She nestled her head into the pillow, closing her eyes. She opened them again and stared into his sleeping face. In sleep, he looked much more peaceful. Serene, even. She smiled a little and rubbed a hand through his hair. His hat had fallen off in the night and was lying on the floor. She let her hand trail down his face, letting her fingers feel his skin. She was surprised at its softness. She trailed her fingers lightly on his cheek, rubbing gently. She had never felt like this about anyone else, she thought. No one else had captured her before, ever. And he did it so fast! It was her first real day here and already Cartman had her: hook, line and sinker. She sighed, smiling wistfully. I'm turning soft, she thought absently. As soft as this bed. She leaned over and brushed her lips against his cheek, barely even touching the skin.
"Dammit..." she said softly. "I'm so confused..." She didn't know that Cartman was awake, listening to her every word, feeling her touch. He felt his spirits dropping when she said she was confused; the catch was coming.
"I never thought I could be so totally smitten with someone so soon," she whispered. "I feel so strange...it's like...I'm in love with him, or something. And I'm only eight..." She sighed miserably. "Stan's going to disown me...Kyle and Kenny and all the others are going to make fun of me, but I don't care! I like him and there's nothing that a bunch of stupid old kids can say that's going to make me change that!" She lowered her head and a few tears slipped out her eyes.
"Why does this have to be so hard..." She put her face in her hands and cried. "Dammit..." Cartman opened an eye and looked towards her. She was oblivious to his awakening, still crying into her palms. Cartman slowly sat up and got behind her, breathing lightly so she wouldn't hear him. He sat there, unsure of what to do. Then, he slowly put an arm around her. She jumped almost a mile and then whirled around.
"What?" she said, trying fervently to rub her tears away. "I've got some sleep in my eyes, making them water-"
"Lily..." Cartman said. "You can cry...uh...I..." He lowered his head, crimson. He had never been able to help people when they were sad. So, he just stared at her instead. Lily's eyes started to fill up again; shining and sparkling with unshed tears.
"Cartman, what am I going to do?" she cried. "I'm so confused..." Cartman drew her in close, holding her to him. He was surprised by his ability to be able to express the emotion love. He had never felt it before from anything.
"Yeah, this is sweeet," Cartman said under his breath. Lily looked up at him, her eyes red and puffy from crying.
"What should I do?" she asked. Cartman thought for a minute and then sighed.
"Well," he said. "What is your mind saying?" Lily lowered her eyes, shamefaced.
"To ditch you and get someone else," she said honestly. Cartman flinched, hurt.
"Oh...well..." he mumbled. "Uh...what's your heart telling you?"
"That I love-err...like you and am not going to let anyone change that," she stammered. "And it's also telling my brain to stop being gay." Cartman let out a huge pent up breath, relieved. He hugged her tighter.
"Well, I can promise you that whatever you do, I'll be right there to back you up," he said. Lily smiled.
"Thanks," she said right as the alarm clock blared. She covered her ears.
"Jesus, how can you take that in the morning?" she asked. "I would shoot myself." Cartman shrugged.
"It's the only thing that can wake me up besides Fluffy," he said.
"Who the hells Fluffy?" Lily asked. Cartman got out of bed and walked out into the hallway. He came back in carrying a pig.
"This is Fluffy," he said. Lily squealed and took it from him, holding it in her arms.
"Awww..." she cooed. "She's so cute!" She rubbed in between the pig's ears and it grunted with
pleasure. Fluffy got up on her hind legs and licked Lily's face. She giggled and hugged it. Cartman stared at her, bemused.
"How did you get Fluffy to do that?" he said as he collected his clothes he was going to wear off the floor.
"Do what?" Lily asked. She curled her finger in her tail until it was wrapped all the way around it.
"How did you make Fluffy lick your face?" he asked. Lily shrugged.
"I don't know," she said. "She just did it when I rubbed in between her ears." Cartman looked over at the pig.
"Let me try," he said. He got down in front of Fluffy and rubbed between her ears. She snorted
and ran out of the room, oinking and squealing.
"Ay!" Cartman said. "That's not fair!" Lily giggled as she grabbed her bag with her clothes. She crammed her Clyde Frog in there and walked out of the room.
"I'm getting changed," she said. "I'll meet you downstairs." Cartman nodded as he watched her leave. He turned to Clyde Frog and held him up.
"Clyde Frog," he said. "I am the luckiest kid alive, you know that?"
"Does that mean you don't love me anymore, Eric?" he made Polly Prissy Pants say.
"Sorry, Polly Prissy Pants," he said. "I still love you, but this girl is real, not a doll like you."
"Oh, so now you don't like me because I am a doll? How racist you are! I thought you were a great guy, Eric Cartman! Now, you have betrayed me for a real girl!" He made her get angry. "Let me tell you something, tubby. This real girl is going to find out how mean you are to people, and how disgusting you really are with all that fat, and how rude and antagonistic you are, and then she's going to have some sense pounded into her head and go out with Kyle!"
"But Kyle!" Cartman said to her. "Kyle's a Jew! Why the hell would Lily want to go out with a Jew?"
"Why would she want to go out with a fat piece of shit?" Polly Prissy Pants retorted. Cartman lowered his head in shame.
"I'm not fat, goddammit, I'm vertically challenged," he said. Then he sighed and looked to the ground. "Aw, who am I kidding? Polly Prissy Pants is right. I am just a big fat piece of shit." He slapped his hat on his head angrily and stalked down the stairs.
"I'll show them," he muttered to himself. "I'll show them that I am the most hella tits person in South Park! On the fucking planet!" He walked into the kitchen where Lily was sitting. She was dressed in a teal coat with purple gloves and blue pants. Her coat looked remarkably like Stan's; the design was the same although the colors were different. She wore no hat but put her hair up to the side in a ponytail with a blue flower hair tie. Her hair was long, down to her ass, Cartman thought, and blonde. His mom turned around from the stove where she was cooking something. It smelled delicious.
"Hello, Eric," she said. "I'm making bacon and eggs-"
"I don't want any," Cartman said. Ms. Cartman looked shocked.
"You don't want any?" she said. "Just a little tiny bit?"
"No!" Cartman said.
"Just a weensie-eensie woo-woo?"
"NO!" he shouted. Lily shrugged and then flashed Ms. Cartman a smile.
"That's all right," she said. "The more for me. I'm starving, and it smells wonderful." She turned back to Cartman.
"Did you grab the report?" she asked.
"No," Cartman said. "I'll go get it now." He bolted up the stairs and grabbed it from off his desk. He looked over at Lily's immaculate handwriting, reading the first few lines of what she had written. He put his hand over his mouth and laughed. What he read was-
Civil Union- Lillian Marsh and Eric Cartman
The contents of this ten minute oral report are serious...ly gay. What else could you call them, the bill was about two men or two women getting married. Obviously Mr. Garrison wanted us to do this report for a reason other then to learn about it, but I won't get into that just yet...
He shook his head. That's my Lily, he thought. Sarcastic to the bone, just like he was. He ran back down the stairs just as Lily started eating. She grinned and rubbed her stomach.
"Ms. Cartman, this puts my mom's cooking in the shade," she said. "This is great." Ms. Cartman smiled.
"Well, I'm glad you like it, hon," she said. "Eat as much as you like, there's going to be plenty since I thought Eric was eating-"
"I am," he said. "I changed my mind." He sat down and tossed the report to her. "Here." She caught it and placed it down next to her.
"Thanks," she said. "I wonder what the other three boys did last night?"
"Those assholes? Probably sat around down at the bus and pretended they were the Dixie Chicks or something," he replied. Lily laughed.
"The Dixie Chicks?" she said. "That one song of theirs is pretty funny." Cartman was aghast.
"Good?" he said. "There is nothing good about country music."
"I know, Cartman, it's just that-"
"Say it after me, Lily. Country music sucks."
"I know it does-"
"Say it, Lillian!"
"All right, all right, country music sucks."
"That wasn't convincing enough, Lily, I need it louder."
"Country music sucks," she said, slightly louder.
"Louder, Lillian-"
"COUNTRY MUSIC SUCKS!" she shouted. She gave him the evil eye as she grabbed her stuff and started walking for the doorway.
"Damn, Cartman, you need to respect what other people's opinions are," she said as she stalked out the door. Cartman watched her go, and then started banging his head against the table.
"I...am...so...stupid," he said, accentuating every word with a thump of his head. He got up and started to walk for the door when his mom stopped him.
"Eskimo kisses," she demanded.
"Ma, how many times do I have to tell you that I hate Eskimo kisses," he said.
"Don't be difficult, Eric," she said. Cartman sighed and let his mom Eskimo kiss him.
"Have a good day at school, hon," she said as he bolted out the door. He was actually glad that Lily had left so she didn't have to see that. He started walking towards the bus stop when he felt something tap his shoulder. He whirled around but no one was there. He heard a giggle from the other side and turned his head towards that side. Nothing. He decided to ignore it and keep walking. Out of nowhere, Lily appeared next to him and took off with his hat towards the bus stop.
"Ay!" Cartman yelled. "Come back here with my hat you little bitch!" Lily laughed as she ran towards where the others were. She turned her head back to look at him and gave him the finger.
"Never!" she shouted. Stan looked up and cocked his head towards the source of the sound.
"Did you guys hear something?" he asked.
"No," Kyle replied.
"Not a thing," Kenny added. "Come on, let's get back to singing, chicks."
"All right," Kyle said. "Here they come...the Dixie-"
"Nooo!" Lily shouted, now in view. "Staaaaannnn help meeeeeeeee!" Stan looked up at her. She was running as fast as she could, holding tightly onto Cartman's hat. He could now see Cartman running after her, panting heavily.
"Get back here with my hat, dammit!" he said, trying to run faster. He managed to pick up a little more speed and struggled gamely to catch up with her. She arrived in front of Stan and ran immediately behind him.
"Help me!" she cried. Cartman was getting closer, looming precariously before them.
"Uh-huh, Lily, you did this to yourself-" She suddenly pushed him out of the way, both of them landing in the snow. Cartman charged right past them and plowed Kenny over, killing him instantly. He tripped over his body and fell head over heels in the snow, getting his head stuck.
"Oh my God, Cartman killed Kenny!" Stan cried.
"You bastard!" Kyle added.
"Son of a bitch!" Lily said, throwing her two cents in.
"Ay!" Cartman cried, trying to pull his head out of the snow. "I'm stuck in here, get me out!" Stan,
Kyle and Lily laughed as they watched him struggle.
"Look, he's an ostrich," Kyle said. "What, are you scared Cartman? Burying your head in the sand?"
"Fuck you!" he cried. "As soon as I get out of here you are dead!" Lily fell to the ground, laughing hopelessly. She managed to crawl over to where Cartman was. She rubbed her eyes, tears of laughter streaming down her face.
"Oh...oh...God," she said. "This..." She broke into another torrent of giggles, holding her sides. "Ow..." she said. "Oh, my sides hurt from laughing..." She attempted to get herself under control and started digging.
"I'll get you out," she said, the laughter still apparent in her voice. "Just...just give me a few..." She started laughing again. Stan and Kyle looked at each other, and then Stan started to chuckle. Pretty soon he was laughing as hard as his sister was. Kyle shook his head.
"Twins," he said. "Alike to the friggin bone." Both Lily and Stan were on the ground now, laughing hysterically. She turned towards her brother, giggling uncontrollably.
"H-hey...Stan..." she managed to get out. "WAAAAAZZZZZZUUUUPPPP?" That just made them laugh all the harder.
"WAZZZZZUUUUUUUUUPPPPP?" Stan replied. The laugh attack was now affecting Kyle, too. He smiled and sniggered a little bit.
"WAZZZZZUUUUUUUUUPPPPP?" Kyle called.
"Goddammit, someone get me out!" Cartman yelled, his voice muffled by the snow. "It's getting hard to breathe down here!" Lily's laughter finally dried up and she started digging furiously.
"All right, Cartman, I'm coming down there," she said. "Hold on!" She started throwing snow everywhere, getting Kyle and Stan both covered with the fine white powder. Stan grabbed some and giggled.
"Hey, this reminds me of crack," he said. "WAZZZZZUUUUUPPP?" Lily didn't respond to the joke; she was too busy digging. She finally got down to where Cartman's head was. She dug all around him until finally, she had enough room to pull him out. She grabbed onto his feet tightly and got ready to
start pulling.
"Hang on, Cartman," she said. "I'm pulling...you..." He popped out like a champagne cork and knocked all three of them over. Lily lowered her head, laughing again.
"Ow...g-get off me you fat...s-s-shit..." she stammered, her giggles getting the best of her. Cartman got off the three of them, giving them the most evil look. Lily tried hard to stop laughing but she couldn't.
"Damn Stan," Kyle said. "Once your sister starts laughing, forget it. She's lost." Stan nodded his head, keeping his own laughter held back.
"I'm just as bad," he said. "Only I have slightly more self control." There was silence except for Lily's laughter for a few minutes. Cartman threw his hands.
"Well?" he said.
"Well what?" Stan said. "Kyle and I weren't even involved with this. This is something you and Lily have to work out."
"Oh yes you were," he said. "You distracted her so she wouldn't come get me out. This is your fault, Stan and Kyle!" Kyle rolled his eyes.
"Oh please," he said. "Cartman, stop blaming shit on us because you hate us. It is Lily's fault!"
"Yeah!" Stan said. "We had nothing to do with this!"
"Some brother you are, Stan!" Lily retorted. "Thanks for sticking up for me!"
"No problem," he replied. Lily sighed. She looked up at Cartman and her smile faded. She looked ashamed.
"Cartman, I'm sorry," she said, holding out his hat to him. "Here's your hat back." Cartman snatched it from her and slammed it angrily on his head. He ignored her and turned towards the road.
"Cartman..." she said softly. "I didn't mean it. I thought it would be funny..." He continued to ignore her and she sighed sadly.
"Please, hear me out-"
"No!" he said suddenly. "I don't want to hear you out, Lily! I want you to go to hell and leave me alone!" Lily lowered her head, and Stan thought he saw tears shining in her eyes. The bus pulled up before he could say anything, and she ran on, now definitely in tears.
"Don't RUN!" Ms. Crabtree screamed. Lily ignored her and ran for the last seat in the bus. She flung herself into it and started to sob. Stan turned towards Cartman, exasperated.
"Oh, now look what you did, fat ass," he said. "Nice job." Cartman rolled his eyes.
"It's not my fault your sister's a whiny crying bitch," he replied.
"Shut up, you insensitive bastard," Stan retorted. He walked to the back of the bus where Lily was seated. He sat down next to her, not saying anything. She was openly crying, pounding one hand into the seat. Stan gently put his hand on her shoulder. She jumped and whirled around.
"What?" she hissed. "Leave me alone, Stan." Stan shook his head.
"No," he said. "What's wrong, Lily? You're the only person I've ever seen cry over something
dealing with Cartman, so it must be serious." He put his hand on her shoulder again.
"I honestly care, Lily, I wouldn't be sitting here with you if I didn't," he said softly. "Please...tell me what's wrong." Lily raised her head slowly, staring at her brother.
"You'll laugh at me," she said softly. "I can't tell you; you'll think it's funny." Stan shook his head adamantly.
"No, Lily," he said. "I swear on my life that I will not laugh at you. Even if you tell me that you...like Cartman or something." Lily cried harder. Stan sighed.
"Oh Lily, don't tell me you..." She nodded her head miserably.
"Yeah," she said softly. "I do...I like Cartman." Kyle raised his head from the seat across from them and laughed.
"Dude, you like Cartman?" he said. "Where the fuck has your brain gone?" Stan turned around and gave him an evil stare.
"Kyle...shut up!" he said. "Leave Lily alone! She can like whoever she wants, right sis?" Lily nodded her head, grateful that Stan was on her side. Kyle rolled his eyes and shook his head.
"Stan, you've gotten soft ever since Lily's been here," he said. "She's turned you into a regular old pansy." Stan narrowed his eyes.
"Shut up, Kyle," he said. "Just leave Lily alone." He turned back towards her. She was looking up at him, her eyes red from crying.
"Thanks for sticking up for me, Stan," she said softly. "I'll return the favor one day, I promise." Stan shrugged.
"Don't worry about it," he said. "Now, please, explain to me exactly what went on at his house last night." Lily giggled a little.
"Oh, you know, the usual..." she said. "He took off-"
"Stop right there, Lily, I don't even want you to say it," Stan interjected. He shuddered. "God the thought of Cartman without any clothes on...ahh!" He stared at her.
"He didn't really, did he?" he asked, panicked. "Don't tell me you had to feast your eyes on...that..." Lily grinned.
"No, he didn't," she replied. "I was just fooling around, Stan." Stan wiped his hand across his brow.
"Oh, thank you Jesus," he said and then shuddered again. "Now I'm going to have this image of Fat Bastard with Cartman's face in my mind all day..." Lily put her hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter.
"Hehe...err, that's mean, Stan," she said. "You should...haha...say that about people..."
"Oh, shut up, Lily, you're just as mean to people," he said. "You're more of a troublemaker then our whole class combined. You and Cartman have already had to write a extra report, and it's only your second day here." Lily grinned.
"I know, but I'm not happy unless I'm pissing someone off," she replied. "Especially Mr. Garrison and his fag puppet buddy Mr. Hat. You know what the report that we had to write was about?"
"Enlighten me, dear sister," Stan said. "What was it?" Lily rubbed her hands together.
"It was about the civil rights union law that just passed in Vermont," she said. "Now, why do you think he would want us to do something about that? I think a vacation is coming up soon for Mr. Garrison, and I think it involves some Vaseline and that felt puppet of his..."
"Oh, gross, Lily," Stan exclaimed. "That is fucking disgusting! You sound just like Kenny!" Lily shrugged.
"Yeah, but Kenny's dead," she said. "So I can take his place, or something."
"Oh yeah, I forgot about that," Stan said. "We do need someone who can replace him..."
"No fucking way is your sister replacing Kenny, Stan," Kyle said from across the aisle. "We're not
going to have a girl constantly hanging out with us." Lily lowered her head, dejected. Stan shot Kyle a murderous glare.
"Kyle...what the hell did I just say," he said. "I said for you to back off Lily, all right? If she wants to hang out with us, then she can. If she wants to hang out with other people, then she can do that too!"
"Dammit, Stan, what the hell has happened to you?" Kyle said. "You're not cool anymore; you're being a gay little faggot."
"And a goddamn pixie fairy," Cartman added. "I hate pixie fairies, they piss me off."
"It seems to me like everything pisses you off, Cartman," Lily said. Cartman cupped a hand around his ear, cocking his head.
"What? What was that? Oh, I think I hear the fairy people again..."
"Fuck you, slop bucket," Lily said. Cartman stared at her, flabbergasted. Kyle and Stan laughed.
"Slop bucket?" Stan said. "That was a good one!"
"Yeah," Kyle said. "I'm sorry if I was being an asshole to you before. You can hang out with us if you want to! Hell, you can even take Cartman's place too!" Lily smiled.
"Nah, I think I want the douche nozzle around for me to make fun of," she replied. Cartman's mouth hung open and then he narrowed his eyes.
"Oh, this means war, bitch," he said. "You have brought this upon yourself, Lillian Marsh." Lily pretended to cower and hid behind Stan.
"Oh no," she said sarcastically. "The elephant seal is coming to get me! What am I going to do?"
"Get out your harpoons!" Stan shouted. The three of them were in hysterics. Cartman muttered something under his breath and turned around in his seat. He sighed sadly and gazed back at her, a wistful smile on his lips. He lowered his head in shame.
"God, I am such an idiot," he said to himself. "Oh...why couldn't I have just taken a joke? Now Lily hates me. Polly Prissy Pants was right; she is going to end up going out with Kyle!" He pounded his head into the seat in front of him. Wendy got up on her knees and turned around.
"What the hell are you doing, fatass?" she asked. Cartman looked up at her, not in the mood for bantering. He lowered his head again and continued banging it against the seat. Wendy raised an eyebrow. She got up and sat down next to him.
"Wow, something must really be wrong," she said. "What is it, Cartman?" Cartman looked at her miserably.
"Nothing," he said. "You're just going to laugh at me." Wendy shrugged.
"That may be so," she said. "But, I am honestly interested in knowing, even if it only means that I am only storing up gossip to spill about you later." Cartman sighed.
"Wendy, have you ever been in love?" he asked. Wendy nodded her head.
"Sure," she said. "You should know, your one of Stan's best friends. I love Stan, even though I'm eight and he pukes on me all the time." She looked at him suspiciously. "Why?" Cartman sighed.
"Because I am..." He stopped, hesitant to tell her.
"Because you are what, Cartman?" she asked. Cartman turned to her and looked her straight in the eyes.
"Because I'm in love with Lily!" he said. Wendy stared at him for a second, shocked. Then she burst into hysterics.
"Oh Jesus, that was a good one, shit-for-brains," Wendy said. "You're in love with Lily, ha! You don't even love your own mother, let alone someone that you hardly even know! Nice try, Cartman." She turned to leave but her grabbed her arm.
"No!" he said. "I'm serious. I really am in love with Lily Marsh!" Wendy slowly turned around. She stared at him. He looked like he was going to cry. Wendy raised both eyebrows this time.
"You're really serious, aren't you?" she said. "You're in love with Lily-godforsaken-Marsh." She thought about it, and then asked, "Why?"
"I'll tell you why, hoe," Cartman replied. "Because she's funny, and nice and sarcastic and the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, that's why! She puts you and all your lesbian fish eating friends in the shade!" Wendy narrowed her eyes.
"Well, just to inform you, dickhead, Lily will never like you. You are a fat, racist, dumb piece of shit and you're going to die a lonely bastard!" She got up and stalked back to her seat. Cartman lowered his head in shame. He looked back towards Lily, and she had happened to be looking up then. She met his eyes briefly, and then looked away. He happened to catch the emotion that was there; she was hurt.
"I'm sorry, Lily," he said to himself. "I never, ever meant to piss you off so soon." He wondered what she was thinking. She was sitting with Stan, the two of them conversing with Kyle about something, probably him, he thought. Oh well...
"Hehe, you know another thing about Cartman?" Kyle said. "The four of us were over at his house playing Space Invaders, and all of the sudden, his mom comes out with another woman. She thought no one was home, so she let her in. She said she was just showing her the kitchen, but we know what she was really doing, right Stan?" Stan nodded.
"They were getting it on," he said. "Isn't that disgusting?" Lily nodded her head, distracted.
"Mmm hmm," she said. "Gross." She wasn't really thinking about the conversation. She was thinking about Eric Cartman. The other boys were so mean to him, she thought. They treat the poor kid like shit. And they wonder why he's going to grow up and kill people.
"Cartman's going to be one of those kids that brings a gun to school," she mused aloud to herself. "Then there's going to be no stopping his fat ass..." She sighed and drummed her fingers against the window. She felt terrible about the things she had said to him, although they had been pretty funny...
The bus rumbled to a stop in front of the school and all the children were neatly deposited into the aisle. Lily sat up and rubbed her head as she walked off the bus.
"Ow..." she said. "Does that fucking bitch always have to do that?" She looked around, wondering of anyone had heard her. No one had. She wiped her hand across her brow. That was something she didn't need this morning. She walked into the classroom without too many people harassing her and slid into her seat with a sigh. The next person to walk into the room was Cartman. She glanced at him, startled.
"Oh...hey Lily," Cartman said. Lily gave him a little smile.
"Hey," she said. "Uh...Cartman? Can I...well...can I talk to you for a minute? Before everyone else gets in here?" Cartman sat down in the desk next to her.
"Sure," he said. "What is it?" Lily sighed and started drumming her fingers on the desk, trying to think of how she was going to say this.
"Well..." she started. "I..." She grabbed one of his hands and stared into his eyes.
"Cartman, I'm sorry," she said finally. "I didn't mean all the shit I said this morning...I was just mad-"
"No, it's my fault," Cartman interjected. "I should have been able to take a joke and not flipped out like I did when you stole my hat."
"We share the blame equally, then," Lily said. "Are we friends again?" She held out her hand to him. Cartman took it and shook it.
"Friends," he said. "Are we...could we be..." He never got to finish his sentence, since a stampede of third graders rushed into the room. Lily shrugged. She would get it out of him later. Mr. Garrison walked into the room and pointed at her and Cartman.
"Come on, you two, get up here and do your report," he said. He turned to the rest of the class.
"Class, Lily and Eric will be doing an oral report on the civil union bill that was passed in Vermont-"
"Where's Vermont?" Butters asked.
"You stupid dumbass, Vermont is a state in the US!" he made Mr. Hat say. "Jesus, get a clue!" He reverted back to Mr. Garrison.
"Anyway class, here it is," he said. Lily and Cartman walked to the front of the room. Lily cleared her throat and smiled at all the kids. Stan gave her the thumbs up sign and Kyle grinned back. She shook her head and began.
"Civil Union: by Lillian Marsh and Eric Cartman.
The contents of this ten minute oral report are serious...ly gay. What else could you call them, the bill was about two men or two women getting married. Obviously Mr. Garrison wanted us to do this report for a reason other then to learn about it, but I won't get into that just yet...
The civil rights union bill was passed in the spring of 2000 in Vermont, the most pissant state in the entire country. They knew that if they passed it there, then not as many people would do it since no one wants to live in a place that sucks that much. It allows gay people like Mr. Garrison to have the same rights as heterosexual people when they get married, but they still do not get the benefit of the clergy. Sorry Garrison, you and Mr. Hat are going to have to deal with it.
The bill was discussed throughout the whole state, giving the towns the first reason to get together since the annual Connecticut Valley Fair in Bradford, VT. Also in Bradford, at the high school, some of the legislative members came to speak to the children about what the bill was about. One girl stood up and gave a tearful speech about her own mother's homosexuality. Now that's the ultimate humiliation. I have no idea how anyone could be stupid enough to do that.
The bill was a cause for much celebration, including rowdy, drunken hicks riding down hills on tractors in neutral, and cow patty eating contests. Overall, the bill was an asset for the homosexual community but will eventually bring the downfall of the sanity of the entire population of the state." The entire classroom was silent, and then they all burst out laughing.
"All right, Miss smarty-pants, where the fuck did you come up with this bullshit?" She smiled and held out his books.
"I think these belong to you, Mr. Garrison," she said. "I read your notes at the end of the chapters. The ones after the chapter on anal sex were especially amusing...what did they say again?"
"No!" Mr. Garrison said, lunging for her. "Don't you dare-"
"Oh yes, I remember," she said. "I'm gay like Santana, I like his banana, it feels like it's made of steel. It feels so delightful, though the pain is quite frightful, but it does make one hell of a meal." The class was laughing hysterically now. Mr. Garrison was bright red with embarrassment and fury.
"Lillian Marsh, you go to the office right now! Eric, you go with her! Get out of my sight!" he screamed. Lily bolted for the door, but not before Mr. Garrison made Mr. Hat punch her.
"GET OUT!" he shouted. She ran out the door with Cartman close on her heels. She rubbed her arm where he had punched her.
"Ow..." she said. "That cock sucking bastard; I'm going to get him fired." Cartman grabbed her.
"Are you all right?" he asked. She nodded her head.
"I'm fine," she said. "Come on, you have to show me where the office is."
"Fuck going to the office," Cartman said. "Let's go outside and play."
"All right," Lily said. "Sounds like more fun then getting another lecture." They slipped out the side door and ran out onto the playground.
"Come on, let's go on the swings," Lily said. She ran as fast as she could over there and leapt agilely onto one. She started pumping and waved to Cartman.
"Come on!" she said. "Hurry up!" He ran over and got on the swing next to her. He started to pump and then swung his swing over towards her, bashing into her.
"Hey!" Lily cried. "You're going to pay for that, shithead!" She pushed off of the bar next to her and launched herself at Cartman. She left her swing and bowled him off his, both of them tumbling to the ground. She landed on top, pinning him down.
"Ha!" she said. "Lillian Catherine Marsh, master of leaping off swings at hapless boys, is once again victorious-" Cartman flipped her over and sat on her.
"Ahhh, not this again!" she cried. "Cartman, please, get...OFF!" Cartman laughed evilly.
"I have got you now, missy," he said. "There is nothing that can save your ass..." Lily squirmed out from underneath him and started to run.
"Ay!" Cartman yelled. "You get back here, right now!" Lily turned around and stuck her tongue at him.
I don't wanna!" she shouted. "You can't make me!" She ran off towards the woods that were surrounding the playground. She leapt over the fence and stood on the other side.
"Come and get me," she said. Cartman mounted the fence and started to climb. Lily giggled and ran off into the woods. He got over the fence and followed her. He almost ran into her since she had stopped stock-still.
"Lily, what is it-"
"Shut up," she hissed. "Look up ahead." There was a faint glow coming from a clearing in the woods. Cartman looked and saw what she had seen. He put his hand over his mouth and gasped.
"Lily, there's fucking dragons there!" he cried, panicked. She slapped her hand over his mouth.
"Shh," she said. "I'm trying to hear what they're saying." There were two of them, bent over and conversing in hushed tones.
"I thought we had gotten rid of that one-"
"Shh, keep it down. I thought we had too, but she's still here."
"Came to Colorado, too. I thought she was in Vermont-"
"Quiet. She was, but then that ridiculous woman had to come and get her back. She's too dangerous to be around. We must get rid of her."
"What can she do? Why is she such a danger to Emeresia?" The bigger dragon grabbed the other one by his neck.
"Fool!" he hissed. "That girl could destroy our whole world, and her twin brother too! We must capture her. She is the stronger of the two, and without her, the boy is powerless!"
"So when are we going to do it?"
"Soon...today. We must destroy her..." He looked around and grabbed the smaller one by a shoulder.
"The boy's name is Stanley," he said. "You keep him distracted while I get the girl." He nodded his head.
"Don't worry, Raydin, I won't let you down," he said. Then they both disappeared as mysteriously as they came. Lily turned towards Cartman, her face a mask of shock.
"Those dragons..." she said, her voice distant. "They were...they were talking about me..." She looked at him, and panicked light shining in her eyes.
"They're going to take me away and kill me!" she exclaimed, on the brink of hysteria. "What am I going to do, Cartman? They're going to take me away and kill me..." She sat down on the ground, dazed.
"You won't let them take me away, will you?" she asked, unshed tears sparkling in her eyes. "You won't let those dragons take me away, right?" Cartman sat down next to her.
"No," he said. "I won't let them touch you, Lily. Not over my dead body." He hugged her and she cried, shaking furiously.
"Are you cold?" he asked, slightly concerned. "We can go back in-"
"No..." she said. "I'm terrified." She raised her head, hearing the sounds of the other children running out to the playground.
"I have to warn Stan," she said. "They may be after him too! I can't let them take him away!" He grabbed Cartman's hand and dragged him through the woods back tot he playground. They saw Stan and Kyle standing over by the kickball field, talking about something. Lily waved to them madly. Stan looked up and waved back.
"Oh...hey Lily! Hey Cartman, where the hell were you-" She ran over and slapped her hand over his mouth.
"Not now," she said. "Stan, there's something that Cartman and I saw in the woods and it involves you." Stan raised an eyebrow.
"What?" he said. "Is Wendy out there cheating on me again?" She slapped him across the face.
"No you idiot!" Lily cried, frustrated. "There were dragons out there that said they were going to take me away and kill me and that they're after you too!" Stan stared at her, rubbing his cheek where she had slapped him, and then he and Kyle burst out laughing.
"Nice story, Lily," Stan said. "Jesus, you nearly had me there for second."
"But it's true!" Cartman said. "I saw it myself!"
"Yeah, whatever Cartman," Kyle retorted. "Just because you have to go along with your little girlfriend doesn't mean-" A dark shadow fell over the playground then. The four of them stopped and looked up into the sky. Lily screamed in terror. The dragon was here! It swooped down low and she started to run for the school, trying to get there before it could reach her. It spotted her and let out a screech of joy. Stan's mouth dropped open and then he sprang into action.
"Oh no..." he said. "You leave my sister alone, shitheads!" He sprang for the smaller of the dragons. "Damn, Lily, I'm sorry I didn't believe you..."
Lily turned around and saw the dragon gaining on her. Her breathing was harsh as she saw the door ahead, only a few yards away. She leapt for the doorknob, but it was too late. The dragon grabbed her out of midair and flew high into the air. Lily screamed in panic. She struggled madly, kicking and punching.
"Let me down, you asshole!" she shouted. "Someone...please, help me!" Stan looked up and saw her. He punched the other dragon in the face, stunning it and buying himself some time to get away.
"Lily!" he shouted, running after the dragon. "Don't worry, I'm coming..." Cartman and Kyle ran after him, leaving the other dragon on the ground.
"Oh Jesus, what has the little slut done now?" Mr. Garrison said. "Dragons and doom...this town is fucked up!" Lily looked down at the three forms, trying desperately to get away. She held her hand out, knowing they could never get it but trying anyway.
"Stan, help me," she cried. "Please, you guys..."
"We're coming, Lily!" Kyle said.
"We're going to get you back," Cartman added. They all hopped the fence and ran into the woods when they saw the creature dive straight down into a hole in the ground. The three boys jumped in right before it closed. They fell a heart stopping distance until they landed on the ground below, stunned but uninjured. They looked around themselves, shocked. Lily was nowhere to be found. They took stock of their surroundings.
They were in a living nightmare.
Something warm was on her face. Lily groggily opened one eye. She immediately squinted; the sun was shining full blast through the window.
"Oh...man," Lily said. "I feel hungover or something." She looked around, confused about where she was. She felt the soft fabric of her Clyde Frog in her hands.
"What the..." she said and then suddenly she remembered. "Ahh! Jesus Christ, what the hell am I doing!" Lily leapt out of bed, shaking her head. She looked over and watched Cartman, still sleeping. Her face softened as she watched his chest rise and fall. The events of last night came rushing back to her in one big wave and she smiled a little. There was still about a half-hour before the alarm was going to go off, so she crawled back into the bed. Cartman stirred and muttered, rolling over but not awakening. She nestled her head into the pillow, closing her eyes. She opened them again and stared into his sleeping face. In sleep, he looked much more peaceful. Serene, even. She smiled a little and rubbed a hand through his hair. His hat had fallen off in the night and was lying on the floor. She let her hand trail down his face, letting her fingers feel his skin. She was surprised at its softness. She trailed her fingers lightly on his cheek, rubbing gently. She had never felt like this about anyone else, she thought. No one else had captured her before, ever. And he did it so fast! It was her first real day here and already Cartman had her: hook, line and sinker. She sighed, smiling wistfully. I'm turning soft, she thought absently. As soft as this bed. She leaned over and brushed her lips against his cheek, barely even touching the skin.
"Dammit..." she said softly. "I'm so confused..." She didn't know that Cartman was awake, listening to her every word, feeling her touch. He felt his spirits dropping when she said she was confused; the catch was coming.
"I never thought I could be so totally smitten with someone so soon," she whispered. "I feel so strange...it's like...I'm in love with him, or something. And I'm only eight..." She sighed miserably. "Stan's going to disown me...Kyle and Kenny and all the others are going to make fun of me, but I don't care! I like him and there's nothing that a bunch of stupid old kids can say that's going to make me change that!" She lowered her head and a few tears slipped out her eyes.
"Why does this have to be so hard..." She put her face in her hands and cried. "Dammit..." Cartman opened an eye and looked towards her. She was oblivious to his awakening, still crying into her palms. Cartman slowly sat up and got behind her, breathing lightly so she wouldn't hear him. He sat there, unsure of what to do. Then, he slowly put an arm around her. She jumped almost a mile and then whirled around.
"What?" she said, trying fervently to rub her tears away. "I've got some sleep in my eyes, making them water-"
"Lily..." Cartman said. "You can cry...uh...I..." He lowered his head, crimson. He had never been able to help people when they were sad. So, he just stared at her instead. Lily's eyes started to fill up again; shining and sparkling with unshed tears.
"Cartman, what am I going to do?" she cried. "I'm so confused..." Cartman drew her in close, holding her to him. He was surprised by his ability to be able to express the emotion love. He had never felt it before from anything.
"Yeah, this is sweeet," Cartman said under his breath. Lily looked up at him, her eyes red and puffy from crying.
"What should I do?" she asked. Cartman thought for a minute and then sighed.
"Well," he said. "What is your mind saying?" Lily lowered her eyes, shamefaced.
"To ditch you and get someone else," she said honestly. Cartman flinched, hurt.
"Oh...well..." he mumbled. "Uh...what's your heart telling you?"
"That I love-err...like you and am not going to let anyone change that," she stammered. "And it's also telling my brain to stop being gay." Cartman let out a huge pent up breath, relieved. He hugged her tighter.
"Well, I can promise you that whatever you do, I'll be right there to back you up," he said. Lily smiled.
"Thanks," she said right as the alarm clock blared. She covered her ears.
"Jesus, how can you take that in the morning?" she asked. "I would shoot myself." Cartman shrugged.
"It's the only thing that can wake me up besides Fluffy," he said.
"Who the hells Fluffy?" Lily asked. Cartman got out of bed and walked out into the hallway. He came back in carrying a pig.
"This is Fluffy," he said. Lily squealed and took it from him, holding it in her arms.
"Awww..." she cooed. "She's so cute!" She rubbed in between the pig's ears and it grunted with
pleasure. Fluffy got up on her hind legs and licked Lily's face. She giggled and hugged it. Cartman stared at her, bemused.
"How did you get Fluffy to do that?" he said as he collected his clothes he was going to wear off the floor.
"Do what?" Lily asked. She curled her finger in her tail until it was wrapped all the way around it.
"How did you make Fluffy lick your face?" he asked. Lily shrugged.
"I don't know," she said. "She just did it when I rubbed in between her ears." Cartman looked over at the pig.
"Let me try," he said. He got down in front of Fluffy and rubbed between her ears. She snorted
and ran out of the room, oinking and squealing.
"Ay!" Cartman said. "That's not fair!" Lily giggled as she grabbed her bag with her clothes. She crammed her Clyde Frog in there and walked out of the room.
"I'm getting changed," she said. "I'll meet you downstairs." Cartman nodded as he watched her leave. He turned to Clyde Frog and held him up.
"Clyde Frog," he said. "I am the luckiest kid alive, you know that?"
"Does that mean you don't love me anymore, Eric?" he made Polly Prissy Pants say.
"Sorry, Polly Prissy Pants," he said. "I still love you, but this girl is real, not a doll like you."
"Oh, so now you don't like me because I am a doll? How racist you are! I thought you were a great guy, Eric Cartman! Now, you have betrayed me for a real girl!" He made her get angry. "Let me tell you something, tubby. This real girl is going to find out how mean you are to people, and how disgusting you really are with all that fat, and how rude and antagonistic you are, and then she's going to have some sense pounded into her head and go out with Kyle!"
"But Kyle!" Cartman said to her. "Kyle's a Jew! Why the hell would Lily want to go out with a Jew?"
"Why would she want to go out with a fat piece of shit?" Polly Prissy Pants retorted. Cartman lowered his head in shame.
"I'm not fat, goddammit, I'm vertically challenged," he said. Then he sighed and looked to the ground. "Aw, who am I kidding? Polly Prissy Pants is right. I am just a big fat piece of shit." He slapped his hat on his head angrily and stalked down the stairs.
"I'll show them," he muttered to himself. "I'll show them that I am the most hella tits person in South Park! On the fucking planet!" He walked into the kitchen where Lily was sitting. She was dressed in a teal coat with purple gloves and blue pants. Her coat looked remarkably like Stan's; the design was the same although the colors were different. She wore no hat but put her hair up to the side in a ponytail with a blue flower hair tie. Her hair was long, down to her ass, Cartman thought, and blonde. His mom turned around from the stove where she was cooking something. It smelled delicious.
"Hello, Eric," she said. "I'm making bacon and eggs-"
"I don't want any," Cartman said. Ms. Cartman looked shocked.
"You don't want any?" she said. "Just a little tiny bit?"
"No!" Cartman said.
"Just a weensie-eensie woo-woo?"
"NO!" he shouted. Lily shrugged and then flashed Ms. Cartman a smile.
"That's all right," she said. "The more for me. I'm starving, and it smells wonderful." She turned back to Cartman.
"Did you grab the report?" she asked.
"No," Cartman said. "I'll go get it now." He bolted up the stairs and grabbed it from off his desk. He looked over at Lily's immaculate handwriting, reading the first few lines of what she had written. He put his hand over his mouth and laughed. What he read was-
Civil Union- Lillian Marsh and Eric Cartman
The contents of this ten minute oral report are serious...ly gay. What else could you call them, the bill was about two men or two women getting married. Obviously Mr. Garrison wanted us to do this report for a reason other then to learn about it, but I won't get into that just yet...
He shook his head. That's my Lily, he thought. Sarcastic to the bone, just like he was. He ran back down the stairs just as Lily started eating. She grinned and rubbed her stomach.
"Ms. Cartman, this puts my mom's cooking in the shade," she said. "This is great." Ms. Cartman smiled.
"Well, I'm glad you like it, hon," she said. "Eat as much as you like, there's going to be plenty since I thought Eric was eating-"
"I am," he said. "I changed my mind." He sat down and tossed the report to her. "Here." She caught it and placed it down next to her.
"Thanks," she said. "I wonder what the other three boys did last night?"
"Those assholes? Probably sat around down at the bus and pretended they were the Dixie Chicks or something," he replied. Lily laughed.
"The Dixie Chicks?" she said. "That one song of theirs is pretty funny." Cartman was aghast.
"Good?" he said. "There is nothing good about country music."
"I know, Cartman, it's just that-"
"Say it after me, Lily. Country music sucks."
"I know it does-"
"Say it, Lillian!"
"All right, all right, country music sucks."
"That wasn't convincing enough, Lily, I need it louder."
"Country music sucks," she said, slightly louder.
"Louder, Lillian-"
"COUNTRY MUSIC SUCKS!" she shouted. She gave him the evil eye as she grabbed her stuff and started walking for the doorway.
"Damn, Cartman, you need to respect what other people's opinions are," she said as she stalked out the door. Cartman watched her go, and then started banging his head against the table.
"I...am...so...stupid," he said, accentuating every word with a thump of his head. He got up and started to walk for the door when his mom stopped him.
"Eskimo kisses," she demanded.
"Ma, how many times do I have to tell you that I hate Eskimo kisses," he said.
"Don't be difficult, Eric," she said. Cartman sighed and let his mom Eskimo kiss him.
"Have a good day at school, hon," she said as he bolted out the door. He was actually glad that Lily had left so she didn't have to see that. He started walking towards the bus stop when he felt something tap his shoulder. He whirled around but no one was there. He heard a giggle from the other side and turned his head towards that side. Nothing. He decided to ignore it and keep walking. Out of nowhere, Lily appeared next to him and took off with his hat towards the bus stop.
"Ay!" Cartman yelled. "Come back here with my hat you little bitch!" Lily laughed as she ran towards where the others were. She turned her head back to look at him and gave him the finger.
"Never!" she shouted. Stan looked up and cocked his head towards the source of the sound.
"Did you guys hear something?" he asked.
"No," Kyle replied.
"Not a thing," Kenny added. "Come on, let's get back to singing, chicks."
"All right," Kyle said. "Here they come...the Dixie-"
"Nooo!" Lily shouted, now in view. "Staaaaannnn help meeeeeeeee!" Stan looked up at her. She was running as fast as she could, holding tightly onto Cartman's hat. He could now see Cartman running after her, panting heavily.
"Get back here with my hat, dammit!" he said, trying to run faster. He managed to pick up a little more speed and struggled gamely to catch up with her. She arrived in front of Stan and ran immediately behind him.
"Help me!" she cried. Cartman was getting closer, looming precariously before them.
"Uh-huh, Lily, you did this to yourself-" She suddenly pushed him out of the way, both of them landing in the snow. Cartman charged right past them and plowed Kenny over, killing him instantly. He tripped over his body and fell head over heels in the snow, getting his head stuck.
"Oh my God, Cartman killed Kenny!" Stan cried.
"You bastard!" Kyle added.
"Son of a bitch!" Lily said, throwing her two cents in.
"Ay!" Cartman cried, trying to pull his head out of the snow. "I'm stuck in here, get me out!" Stan,
Kyle and Lily laughed as they watched him struggle.
"Look, he's an ostrich," Kyle said. "What, are you scared Cartman? Burying your head in the sand?"
"Fuck you!" he cried. "As soon as I get out of here you are dead!" Lily fell to the ground, laughing hopelessly. She managed to crawl over to where Cartman was. She rubbed her eyes, tears of laughter streaming down her face.
"Oh...oh...God," she said. "This..." She broke into another torrent of giggles, holding her sides. "Ow..." she said. "Oh, my sides hurt from laughing..." She attempted to get herself under control and started digging.
"I'll get you out," she said, the laughter still apparent in her voice. "Just...just give me a few..." She started laughing again. Stan and Kyle looked at each other, and then Stan started to chuckle. Pretty soon he was laughing as hard as his sister was. Kyle shook his head.
"Twins," he said. "Alike to the friggin bone." Both Lily and Stan were on the ground now, laughing hysterically. She turned towards her brother, giggling uncontrollably.
"H-hey...Stan..." she managed to get out. "WAAAAAZZZZZZUUUUPPPP?" That just made them laugh all the harder.
"WAZZZZZUUUUUUUUUPPPPP?" Stan replied. The laugh attack was now affecting Kyle, too. He smiled and sniggered a little bit.
"WAZZZZZUUUUUUUUUPPPPP?" Kyle called.
"Goddammit, someone get me out!" Cartman yelled, his voice muffled by the snow. "It's getting hard to breathe down here!" Lily's laughter finally dried up and she started digging furiously.
"All right, Cartman, I'm coming down there," she said. "Hold on!" She started throwing snow everywhere, getting Kyle and Stan both covered with the fine white powder. Stan grabbed some and giggled.
"Hey, this reminds me of crack," he said. "WAZZZZZUUUUUPPP?" Lily didn't respond to the joke; she was too busy digging. She finally got down to where Cartman's head was. She dug all around him until finally, she had enough room to pull him out. She grabbed onto his feet tightly and got ready to
start pulling.
"Hang on, Cartman," she said. "I'm pulling...you..." He popped out like a champagne cork and knocked all three of them over. Lily lowered her head, laughing again.
"Ow...g-get off me you fat...s-s-shit..." she stammered, her giggles getting the best of her. Cartman got off the three of them, giving them the most evil look. Lily tried hard to stop laughing but she couldn't.
"Damn Stan," Kyle said. "Once your sister starts laughing, forget it. She's lost." Stan nodded his head, keeping his own laughter held back.
"I'm just as bad," he said. "Only I have slightly more self control." There was silence except for Lily's laughter for a few minutes. Cartman threw his hands.
"Well?" he said.
"Well what?" Stan said. "Kyle and I weren't even involved with this. This is something you and Lily have to work out."
"Oh yes you were," he said. "You distracted her so she wouldn't come get me out. This is your fault, Stan and Kyle!" Kyle rolled his eyes.
"Oh please," he said. "Cartman, stop blaming shit on us because you hate us. It is Lily's fault!"
"Yeah!" Stan said. "We had nothing to do with this!"
"Some brother you are, Stan!" Lily retorted. "Thanks for sticking up for me!"
"No problem," he replied. Lily sighed. She looked up at Cartman and her smile faded. She looked ashamed.
"Cartman, I'm sorry," she said, holding out his hat to him. "Here's your hat back." Cartman snatched it from her and slammed it angrily on his head. He ignored her and turned towards the road.
"Cartman..." she said softly. "I didn't mean it. I thought it would be funny..." He continued to ignore her and she sighed sadly.
"Please, hear me out-"
"No!" he said suddenly. "I don't want to hear you out, Lily! I want you to go to hell and leave me alone!" Lily lowered her head, and Stan thought he saw tears shining in her eyes. The bus pulled up before he could say anything, and she ran on, now definitely in tears.
"Don't RUN!" Ms. Crabtree screamed. Lily ignored her and ran for the last seat in the bus. She flung herself into it and started to sob. Stan turned towards Cartman, exasperated.
"Oh, now look what you did, fat ass," he said. "Nice job." Cartman rolled his eyes.
"It's not my fault your sister's a whiny crying bitch," he replied.
"Shut up, you insensitive bastard," Stan retorted. He walked to the back of the bus where Lily was seated. He sat down next to her, not saying anything. She was openly crying, pounding one hand into the seat. Stan gently put his hand on her shoulder. She jumped and whirled around.
"What?" she hissed. "Leave me alone, Stan." Stan shook his head.
"No," he said. "What's wrong, Lily? You're the only person I've ever seen cry over something
dealing with Cartman, so it must be serious." He put his hand on her shoulder again.
"I honestly care, Lily, I wouldn't be sitting here with you if I didn't," he said softly. "Please...tell me what's wrong." Lily raised her head slowly, staring at her brother.
"You'll laugh at me," she said softly. "I can't tell you; you'll think it's funny." Stan shook his head adamantly.
"No, Lily," he said. "I swear on my life that I will not laugh at you. Even if you tell me that you...like Cartman or something." Lily cried harder. Stan sighed.
"Oh Lily, don't tell me you..." She nodded her head miserably.
"Yeah," she said softly. "I do...I like Cartman." Kyle raised his head from the seat across from them and laughed.
"Dude, you like Cartman?" he said. "Where the fuck has your brain gone?" Stan turned around and gave him an evil stare.
"Kyle...shut up!" he said. "Leave Lily alone! She can like whoever she wants, right sis?" Lily nodded her head, grateful that Stan was on her side. Kyle rolled his eyes and shook his head.
"Stan, you've gotten soft ever since Lily's been here," he said. "She's turned you into a regular old pansy." Stan narrowed his eyes.
"Shut up, Kyle," he said. "Just leave Lily alone." He turned back towards her. She was looking up at him, her eyes red from crying.
"Thanks for sticking up for me, Stan," she said softly. "I'll return the favor one day, I promise." Stan shrugged.
"Don't worry about it," he said. "Now, please, explain to me exactly what went on at his house last night." Lily giggled a little.
"Oh, you know, the usual..." she said. "He took off-"
"Stop right there, Lily, I don't even want you to say it," Stan interjected. He shuddered. "God the thought of Cartman without any clothes on...ahh!" He stared at her.
"He didn't really, did he?" he asked, panicked. "Don't tell me you had to feast your eyes on...that..." Lily grinned.
"No, he didn't," she replied. "I was just fooling around, Stan." Stan wiped his hand across his brow.
"Oh, thank you Jesus," he said and then shuddered again. "Now I'm going to have this image of Fat Bastard with Cartman's face in my mind all day..." Lily put her hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter.
"Hehe...err, that's mean, Stan," she said. "You should...haha...say that about people..."
"Oh, shut up, Lily, you're just as mean to people," he said. "You're more of a troublemaker then our whole class combined. You and Cartman have already had to write a extra report, and it's only your second day here." Lily grinned.
"I know, but I'm not happy unless I'm pissing someone off," she replied. "Especially Mr. Garrison and his fag puppet buddy Mr. Hat. You know what the report that we had to write was about?"
"Enlighten me, dear sister," Stan said. "What was it?" Lily rubbed her hands together.
"It was about the civil rights union law that just passed in Vermont," she said. "Now, why do you think he would want us to do something about that? I think a vacation is coming up soon for Mr. Garrison, and I think it involves some Vaseline and that felt puppet of his..."
"Oh, gross, Lily," Stan exclaimed. "That is fucking disgusting! You sound just like Kenny!" Lily shrugged.
"Yeah, but Kenny's dead," she said. "So I can take his place, or something."
"Oh yeah, I forgot about that," Stan said. "We do need someone who can replace him..."
"No fucking way is your sister replacing Kenny, Stan," Kyle said from across the aisle. "We're not
going to have a girl constantly hanging out with us." Lily lowered her head, dejected. Stan shot Kyle a murderous glare.
"Kyle...what the hell did I just say," he said. "I said for you to back off Lily, all right? If she wants to hang out with us, then she can. If she wants to hang out with other people, then she can do that too!"
"Dammit, Stan, what the hell has happened to you?" Kyle said. "You're not cool anymore; you're being a gay little faggot."
"And a goddamn pixie fairy," Cartman added. "I hate pixie fairies, they piss me off."
"It seems to me like everything pisses you off, Cartman," Lily said. Cartman cupped a hand around his ear, cocking his head.
"What? What was that? Oh, I think I hear the fairy people again..."
"Fuck you, slop bucket," Lily said. Cartman stared at her, flabbergasted. Kyle and Stan laughed.
"Slop bucket?" Stan said. "That was a good one!"
"Yeah," Kyle said. "I'm sorry if I was being an asshole to you before. You can hang out with us if you want to! Hell, you can even take Cartman's place too!" Lily smiled.
"Nah, I think I want the douche nozzle around for me to make fun of," she replied. Cartman's mouth hung open and then he narrowed his eyes.
"Oh, this means war, bitch," he said. "You have brought this upon yourself, Lillian Marsh." Lily pretended to cower and hid behind Stan.
"Oh no," she said sarcastically. "The elephant seal is coming to get me! What am I going to do?"
"Get out your harpoons!" Stan shouted. The three of them were in hysterics. Cartman muttered something under his breath and turned around in his seat. He sighed sadly and gazed back at her, a wistful smile on his lips. He lowered his head in shame.
"God, I am such an idiot," he said to himself. "Oh...why couldn't I have just taken a joke? Now Lily hates me. Polly Prissy Pants was right; she is going to end up going out with Kyle!" He pounded his head into the seat in front of him. Wendy got up on her knees and turned around.
"What the hell are you doing, fatass?" she asked. Cartman looked up at her, not in the mood for bantering. He lowered his head again and continued banging it against the seat. Wendy raised an eyebrow. She got up and sat down next to him.
"Wow, something must really be wrong," she said. "What is it, Cartman?" Cartman looked at her miserably.
"Nothing," he said. "You're just going to laugh at me." Wendy shrugged.
"That may be so," she said. "But, I am honestly interested in knowing, even if it only means that I am only storing up gossip to spill about you later." Cartman sighed.
"Wendy, have you ever been in love?" he asked. Wendy nodded her head.
"Sure," she said. "You should know, your one of Stan's best friends. I love Stan, even though I'm eight and he pukes on me all the time." She looked at him suspiciously. "Why?" Cartman sighed.
"Because I am..." He stopped, hesitant to tell her.
"Because you are what, Cartman?" she asked. Cartman turned to her and looked her straight in the eyes.
"Because I'm in love with Lily!" he said. Wendy stared at him for a second, shocked. Then she burst into hysterics.
"Oh Jesus, that was a good one, shit-for-brains," Wendy said. "You're in love with Lily, ha! You don't even love your own mother, let alone someone that you hardly even know! Nice try, Cartman." She turned to leave but her grabbed her arm.
"No!" he said. "I'm serious. I really am in love with Lily Marsh!" Wendy slowly turned around. She stared at him. He looked like he was going to cry. Wendy raised both eyebrows this time.
"You're really serious, aren't you?" she said. "You're in love with Lily-godforsaken-Marsh." She thought about it, and then asked, "Why?"
"I'll tell you why, hoe," Cartman replied. "Because she's funny, and nice and sarcastic and the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, that's why! She puts you and all your lesbian fish eating friends in the shade!" Wendy narrowed her eyes.
"Well, just to inform you, dickhead, Lily will never like you. You are a fat, racist, dumb piece of shit and you're going to die a lonely bastard!" She got up and stalked back to her seat. Cartman lowered his head in shame. He looked back towards Lily, and she had happened to be looking up then. She met his eyes briefly, and then looked away. He happened to catch the emotion that was there; she was hurt.
"I'm sorry, Lily," he said to himself. "I never, ever meant to piss you off so soon." He wondered what she was thinking. She was sitting with Stan, the two of them conversing with Kyle about something, probably him, he thought. Oh well...
"Hehe, you know another thing about Cartman?" Kyle said. "The four of us were over at his house playing Space Invaders, and all of the sudden, his mom comes out with another woman. She thought no one was home, so she let her in. She said she was just showing her the kitchen, but we know what she was really doing, right Stan?" Stan nodded.
"They were getting it on," he said. "Isn't that disgusting?" Lily nodded her head, distracted.
"Mmm hmm," she said. "Gross." She wasn't really thinking about the conversation. She was thinking about Eric Cartman. The other boys were so mean to him, she thought. They treat the poor kid like shit. And they wonder why he's going to grow up and kill people.
"Cartman's going to be one of those kids that brings a gun to school," she mused aloud to herself. "Then there's going to be no stopping his fat ass..." She sighed and drummed her fingers against the window. She felt terrible about the things she had said to him, although they had been pretty funny...
The bus rumbled to a stop in front of the school and all the children were neatly deposited into the aisle. Lily sat up and rubbed her head as she walked off the bus.
"Ow..." she said. "Does that fucking bitch always have to do that?" She looked around, wondering of anyone had heard her. No one had. She wiped her hand across her brow. That was something she didn't need this morning. She walked into the classroom without too many people harassing her and slid into her seat with a sigh. The next person to walk into the room was Cartman. She glanced at him, startled.
"Oh...hey Lily," Cartman said. Lily gave him a little smile.
"Hey," she said. "Uh...Cartman? Can I...well...can I talk to you for a minute? Before everyone else gets in here?" Cartman sat down in the desk next to her.
"Sure," he said. "What is it?" Lily sighed and started drumming her fingers on the desk, trying to think of how she was going to say this.
"Well..." she started. "I..." She grabbed one of his hands and stared into his eyes.
"Cartman, I'm sorry," she said finally. "I didn't mean all the shit I said this morning...I was just mad-"
"No, it's my fault," Cartman interjected. "I should have been able to take a joke and not flipped out like I did when you stole my hat."
"We share the blame equally, then," Lily said. "Are we friends again?" She held out her hand to him. Cartman took it and shook it.
"Friends," he said. "Are we...could we be..." He never got to finish his sentence, since a stampede of third graders rushed into the room. Lily shrugged. She would get it out of him later. Mr. Garrison walked into the room and pointed at her and Cartman.
"Come on, you two, get up here and do your report," he said. He turned to the rest of the class.
"Class, Lily and Eric will be doing an oral report on the civil union bill that was passed in Vermont-"
"Where's Vermont?" Butters asked.
"You stupid dumbass, Vermont is a state in the US!" he made Mr. Hat say. "Jesus, get a clue!" He reverted back to Mr. Garrison.
"Anyway class, here it is," he said. Lily and Cartman walked to the front of the room. Lily cleared her throat and smiled at all the kids. Stan gave her the thumbs up sign and Kyle grinned back. She shook her head and began.
"Civil Union: by Lillian Marsh and Eric Cartman.
The contents of this ten minute oral report are serious...ly gay. What else could you call them, the bill was about two men or two women getting married. Obviously Mr. Garrison wanted us to do this report for a reason other then to learn about it, but I won't get into that just yet...
The civil rights union bill was passed in the spring of 2000 in Vermont, the most pissant state in the entire country. They knew that if they passed it there, then not as many people would do it since no one wants to live in a place that sucks that much. It allows gay people like Mr. Garrison to have the same rights as heterosexual people when they get married, but they still do not get the benefit of the clergy. Sorry Garrison, you and Mr. Hat are going to have to deal with it.
The bill was discussed throughout the whole state, giving the towns the first reason to get together since the annual Connecticut Valley Fair in Bradford, VT. Also in Bradford, at the high school, some of the legislative members came to speak to the children about what the bill was about. One girl stood up and gave a tearful speech about her own mother's homosexuality. Now that's the ultimate humiliation. I have no idea how anyone could be stupid enough to do that.
The bill was a cause for much celebration, including rowdy, drunken hicks riding down hills on tractors in neutral, and cow patty eating contests. Overall, the bill was an asset for the homosexual community but will eventually bring the downfall of the sanity of the entire population of the state." The entire classroom was silent, and then they all burst out laughing.
"All right, Miss smarty-pants, where the fuck did you come up with this bullshit?" She smiled and held out his books.
"I think these belong to you, Mr. Garrison," she said. "I read your notes at the end of the chapters. The ones after the chapter on anal sex were especially amusing...what did they say again?"
"No!" Mr. Garrison said, lunging for her. "Don't you dare-"
"Oh yes, I remember," she said. "I'm gay like Santana, I like his banana, it feels like it's made of steel. It feels so delightful, though the pain is quite frightful, but it does make one hell of a meal." The class was laughing hysterically now. Mr. Garrison was bright red with embarrassment and fury.
"Lillian Marsh, you go to the office right now! Eric, you go with her! Get out of my sight!" he screamed. Lily bolted for the door, but not before Mr. Garrison made Mr. Hat punch her.
"GET OUT!" he shouted. She ran out the door with Cartman close on her heels. She rubbed her arm where he had punched her.
"Ow..." she said. "That cock sucking bastard; I'm going to get him fired." Cartman grabbed her.
"Are you all right?" he asked. She nodded her head.
"I'm fine," she said. "Come on, you have to show me where the office is."
"Fuck going to the office," Cartman said. "Let's go outside and play."
"All right," Lily said. "Sounds like more fun then getting another lecture." They slipped out the side door and ran out onto the playground.
"Come on, let's go on the swings," Lily said. She ran as fast as she could over there and leapt agilely onto one. She started pumping and waved to Cartman.
"Come on!" she said. "Hurry up!" He ran over and got on the swing next to her. He started to pump and then swung his swing over towards her, bashing into her.
"Hey!" Lily cried. "You're going to pay for that, shithead!" She pushed off of the bar next to her and launched herself at Cartman. She left her swing and bowled him off his, both of them tumbling to the ground. She landed on top, pinning him down.
"Ha!" she said. "Lillian Catherine Marsh, master of leaping off swings at hapless boys, is once again victorious-" Cartman flipped her over and sat on her.
"Ahhh, not this again!" she cried. "Cartman, please, get...OFF!" Cartman laughed evilly.
"I have got you now, missy," he said. "There is nothing that can save your ass..." Lily squirmed out from underneath him and started to run.
"Ay!" Cartman yelled. "You get back here, right now!" Lily turned around and stuck her tongue at him.
I don't wanna!" she shouted. "You can't make me!" She ran off towards the woods that were surrounding the playground. She leapt over the fence and stood on the other side.
"Come and get me," she said. Cartman mounted the fence and started to climb. Lily giggled and ran off into the woods. He got over the fence and followed her. He almost ran into her since she had stopped stock-still.
"Lily, what is it-"
"Shut up," she hissed. "Look up ahead." There was a faint glow coming from a clearing in the woods. Cartman looked and saw what she had seen. He put his hand over his mouth and gasped.
"Lily, there's fucking dragons there!" he cried, panicked. She slapped her hand over his mouth.
"Shh," she said. "I'm trying to hear what they're saying." There were two of them, bent over and conversing in hushed tones.
"I thought we had gotten rid of that one-"
"Shh, keep it down. I thought we had too, but she's still here."
"Came to Colorado, too. I thought she was in Vermont-"
"Quiet. She was, but then that ridiculous woman had to come and get her back. She's too dangerous to be around. We must get rid of her."
"What can she do? Why is she such a danger to Emeresia?" The bigger dragon grabbed the other one by his neck.
"Fool!" he hissed. "That girl could destroy our whole world, and her twin brother too! We must capture her. She is the stronger of the two, and without her, the boy is powerless!"
"So when are we going to do it?"
"Soon...today. We must destroy her..." He looked around and grabbed the smaller one by a shoulder.
"The boy's name is Stanley," he said. "You keep him distracted while I get the girl." He nodded his head.
"Don't worry, Raydin, I won't let you down," he said. Then they both disappeared as mysteriously as they came. Lily turned towards Cartman, her face a mask of shock.
"Those dragons..." she said, her voice distant. "They were...they were talking about me..." She looked at him, and panicked light shining in her eyes.
"They're going to take me away and kill me!" she exclaimed, on the brink of hysteria. "What am I going to do, Cartman? They're going to take me away and kill me..." She sat down on the ground, dazed.
"You won't let them take me away, will you?" she asked, unshed tears sparkling in her eyes. "You won't let those dragons take me away, right?" Cartman sat down next to her.
"No," he said. "I won't let them touch you, Lily. Not over my dead body." He hugged her and she cried, shaking furiously.
"Are you cold?" he asked, slightly concerned. "We can go back in-"
"No..." she said. "I'm terrified." She raised her head, hearing the sounds of the other children running out to the playground.
"I have to warn Stan," she said. "They may be after him too! I can't let them take him away!" He grabbed Cartman's hand and dragged him through the woods back tot he playground. They saw Stan and Kyle standing over by the kickball field, talking about something. Lily waved to them madly. Stan looked up and waved back.
"Oh...hey Lily! Hey Cartman, where the hell were you-" She ran over and slapped her hand over his mouth.
"Not now," she said. "Stan, there's something that Cartman and I saw in the woods and it involves you." Stan raised an eyebrow.
"What?" he said. "Is Wendy out there cheating on me again?" She slapped him across the face.
"No you idiot!" Lily cried, frustrated. "There were dragons out there that said they were going to take me away and kill me and that they're after you too!" Stan stared at her, rubbing his cheek where she had slapped him, and then he and Kyle burst out laughing.
"Nice story, Lily," Stan said. "Jesus, you nearly had me there for second."
"But it's true!" Cartman said. "I saw it myself!"
"Yeah, whatever Cartman," Kyle retorted. "Just because you have to go along with your little girlfriend doesn't mean-" A dark shadow fell over the playground then. The four of them stopped and looked up into the sky. Lily screamed in terror. The dragon was here! It swooped down low and she started to run for the school, trying to get there before it could reach her. It spotted her and let out a screech of joy. Stan's mouth dropped open and then he sprang into action.
"Oh no..." he said. "You leave my sister alone, shitheads!" He sprang for the smaller of the dragons. "Damn, Lily, I'm sorry I didn't believe you..."
Lily turned around and saw the dragon gaining on her. Her breathing was harsh as she saw the door ahead, only a few yards away. She leapt for the doorknob, but it was too late. The dragon grabbed her out of midair and flew high into the air. Lily screamed in panic. She struggled madly, kicking and punching.
"Let me down, you asshole!" she shouted. "Someone...please, help me!" Stan looked up and saw her. He punched the other dragon in the face, stunning it and buying himself some time to get away.
"Lily!" he shouted, running after the dragon. "Don't worry, I'm coming..." Cartman and Kyle ran after him, leaving the other dragon on the ground.
"Oh Jesus, what has the little slut done now?" Mr. Garrison said. "Dragons and doom...this town is fucked up!" Lily looked down at the three forms, trying desperately to get away. She held her hand out, knowing they could never get it but trying anyway.
"Stan, help me," she cried. "Please, you guys..."
"We're coming, Lily!" Kyle said.
"We're going to get you back," Cartman added. They all hopped the fence and ran into the woods when they saw the creature dive straight down into a hole in the ground. The three boys jumped in right before it closed. They fell a heart stopping distance until they landed on the ground below, stunned but uninjured. They looked around themselves, shocked. Lily was nowhere to be found. They took stock of their surroundings.
They were in a living nightmare.