YOOOOOO. Hi. We're the AuthorsOfStupidStuff.
As you can probably tell the stuff we write is stupid and reading it may cause stupidity, paralysis, and ridiculous overpopularity. (is that even a word? lol)
Anyways, STUPIDSTUCK: FIVE VOLTS EDITION. Read it or DIE!
ACT 1 ⇒
A young troll stands in her respite block.
Enter name ⇒
[Swaggy Bitch]
Oh HELL no.
[Yterna Erblem]
That's a lot better. Let's use that one.
Yterna: Introduce yourself.
Your name is YTERNA ERBLEM. You are interested in gardening and geology. You wield the SPERKIND specibus, except your sper is a crappy piece of crap that you stole from weapon training. You also have no idea what the actual fuck a SPER is. You like to DRAW, but the best things you can manage are stick figures and REALLY CRAPPY CONTOURS. You are into REAL VAMPIRES, but not sparkly fairies. You think that they are an INSULT to vampirism. One of the only things you are good at is VIDEO GAMES. Your chumhandle is silentOrigins and you never raise your voice. ever.
Yterna: Talk about video games.
Oh yes! You are going to be playing an excellent game with some of your friends, supposedly some from OTHER PLANETS.
But you think that they're just a bunch of losers who think Alternia isn't good enough for them.
Be the Earth guy.
The command was not completed successfully. The closest thing you got was being the EARTH itself. But hey, this command prompt is stupid anyways.
Earth: Upgrade skill tree Plate Tectonics.
That isn't how this game works, STUPID!
Earth: Locate the Earth guy and actually progress the story.
Did you mean:
Gabe Inglip
One of the AuthorsOfStupidStuff
Some other guy
Gabe Newell
Earth: Choose Mr. Inglip.
Good. Nobody wants to read HALF-LIFE3Stuck.
Gabe: Become part of the story.
You manually force Mr. Inglip to become part of the plot. It ends up tearing a hole in the fabric of existence, but that's okay. Some Mary Sue character'll just patch it up soon enough.
Mr. Inglip wakes up from a really screwed up night full of watching LIVESTREAMS, playing WIND WAKER, pestering friends, and getting harassed by his BRO. None of that is important though. Now, standard generic character introductions are a staple in Homestuck fanfiction, are they not? Let's begin.
Enter name.
[Doucheswag Bronylord]
Holy shit no that's terrible someone kill me now plz thx bai.
[Gabe Inglip]
Why did you even have to be named when that Bing search clearly said your name? This is stupid.
Gabe: Introdouche yourself.
Your name is GABE. You enjoy playing VIDEO GAMES, especially of the NINTENDO-MADE variety. You have an INCREDIBLY SHITTY PC that can only run games properly with the use of RAZER GAME BOOSTER, and even that barely does anything. You live next to an all-purpose SCIENTIFIC FACILITY OF AWESOME and go there almost every day and get free science stuff. One of your most prized possessions is your 3-D MANEUVER GEAR that actually works without breaking your fucking neck. You wield the MASTARSWARDKIND specibus that you hacked and you are quite prolific in SWORDPLAY. Your chumhandle is nonsensicalUtopia and you speak in a way that doesnt require apostrophes or proper punctuation, because SCREW those guys B-)
Gabe: Fast forward to when you have THE GAME.
That's not how that works around here. It works in the science facility, though.
Be Yterna again.
Qu'est-ce que sup?
Yterna: Where's the game?
One of your friends is in the process of hacking the facility where the game was designed, and deemed too dangerous to play. Something about reality distortion, monsters, death to all who play, planetary destruction, et cetera.
What the fuck kind of game IS this?
You think it's called SBURB or some shit like that.
But all you can do is hang tight and GODDAMMIT WHO THE FUCK IS PESTERING YOU
Yterna: Answer.
unusualSentience has begun pestering silentOrigins
SO: the fuck do you want?
US: HellO.
US: DO YoU HavE AnY InformatioN AbouT ThE GamE HackinG?
SO: pfft.
SO: i'm like, lowest on the hemospectrum.
SO: no one's telling me shit.
US: UgH.
US: DO YoU ReallY BelievE ThaT CraP AbouT BlooD ColorS?
SO: well clearly you do.
SO: you're taking care of the matriorb like you're supposed to because of your blood.
SO: and as much as i hate to admit it, it does make life slightly easier.
SO: even though i'm probably going to be enslaved soon because of it.
US: HoW DoeS ThiS PrejudicE MakE AnythinG EasieR?
SO: well, rust bloods like me are the most common.
SO: so we're the low working class, whether we want to or not.
SO: also we have this pathetically low lifespan.
US: UgH.
SO: and fuschia bloods live forever, and they're only born once every few millenia.
SO: so it makes sense that they're on top.
US: You'rE FulL OF LieS.
US: I Can'T BelievE YoU AccepT ThiS BullshiT.
unusualSentience has ceased pestering silentOrigins
Be the hacker
Your name is Gosmit Hiffon, and you don't have time for bullshit, so you're going to get this overwith as fast as possible.
You're into GAMBLING and HACKING, both of which would get you in trouble if you weren't so high up on the HEMOSPECTRUM. Your weapon of choice is NUNCHAKU, which the specibus system has unceremoniously dubbed "nunchuckkind".
You are VERY FUCKING BUSY hacking, but you can't help but notice all the books about DRAGONS littering your room. You should really clean them up, but you just love dragons so much.
Your chumhandle is restlessBlacksmith and you_bind_all_your_words_together_so_none_can_escape
All your friends think you have mental issues.
You most likely do.
Gosmit: Are you done yet?
for the MILLIONTH TIME, NO NO NO NO NO!
Be the strange sentient creature.
No, not yet.
Be someone else.
You are now Entrex Anglam. You are busy reading stories about THE FAE. You enjoy reading about fairies. You also have nothing better to do while Gosmit is busy "hacking" (you think he's probably watching porn). So you're reading about tiny mythical winged creatures who help heroes clad in green.
You wield an Alternian laser gun as a weapon. You have plenty of practice, as you live in an area with many POOR LOWBLOODS who often attempt to EAT you. You feel a twinge of guilt for each one you kill, even though you know you shouldn't.
Your chumhandle is canonPerfectionist and you often type to ofsst to seewhat you are doing.
Entrex: pester someone
canonPerfectionist has begun pestering silentOrigins
SO: hey what's up
CP: notihng
CP: that;s the problem
SO: you need to slow the fuck down when you type.
SO: impatient for the game?
CP: you have no diea.
SO: i want it.
SO: do you know what the story is?
CP: i think that it unvoleves us.
SO: uh
CP: that was supposed to say involves
SO: really?
SO: awesome.
CP: it's supposed to be some sort of reality simulator game or sometihng like that.
SO: really?
SO: we're just going to be doing the shit we always do, but in a game?
CP: no
CP: I think it takes the form of the reality we're in, and thenwe can change it to suit us
CP: not entirely sure.
CP: hold up someone's pestering eme.
SO: who the fuck is eme
silentOrigins has ceased pestering canonPerfectonist
Reality: Be patched back up.
The helpful CANON patches up the hole quickly. It can't help but fear that something that shouldn't be here got through.
Be one of the other guy's OCs
You become the spectacular troll OC. You are the hero of this tale, or at least you think you are. You are all cool and edgy. You play guitar, fight with swords, find love with canon characters, have wings, and save the world every now and then. Your name is Orpheus Deathstab Knifelord Bladeking Stabkill Nightfury Gunwing Shadowwalker Chaosslayer or just OC. You come from another dimension, so you don't have a chumhandle.
OC: Procure one
You acquire the chumhandle of originalCharacter (OC). You immediately begin trolling the one person you know the chumhandle for. You had seen him through the tear in reality earlier, that's why you jumped in. He looked like he would need some guidance. In fact, you're currently on top of his house.
originalCharacter began trolling nonsensicalUtopia.
OC: Hey there! I'm Orpheus Chaosslayer and I'm here to help you become a hero! But not the best hero there ever was, because that's me. And I'm way 213374u2bcome me. ;)
Hey dude, I don't think he wants your guidance.
OC: Who are you, green-text demon?
You forgot again?! I'm your subconscious guy. He can't see my text btw. It only exists in your MINDSPHERE. Everyone has one.
OC: Btw, ignore that last bit, gabe. Also, just so you know this, if you turn out to be evil, I'm going to headshot you. ;(
Or if you're a kind of petty evil, I'll just go back in time with my 420SWAG and name you "Doucheswag Bronylord". uvu
Didn't you already try to name him that?
Just shut up, greentext. I can't get in any trolling if you keep interrupting me!1!one!1! :(
Yterna: Strife!
After walking downstairs for some reason, you are attacked by your snake-lusus. You take out your sper and a list of commands appears on the screen.
For good music, listen to the homestuck strife album. 2meta4me
Assail
You attack your lusus with a fury of attacks.
Abuse
You attack with a single powerful blow
Arf
You yell loudly at your lusus. Your lusus recoils and slithers away.
You stand still, shocked that "arf" had worked.
Now why were you down here?
Yterna: Go to sleep
You spontaneously fall asleep for no good reason. It just sort of happens sometimes. It's almost as if there's someone manipulating your actions to get a desired result...
Yterna: Be Gabe and be pestered by OC.
Sure, why not? She's sleeping and will not be useful for a bit.
originalCharacter [OC] began trolling nonsensicalUtopia [NU].
OC: Hey there! I'm Orpheus Chaosslayer and I'm here to help you become a hero! But not the best hero there ever was, because that's me. And I'm way 213374u2bcome me. ;)
NU: what the fuck
OC: Who are you, green-text demon?
NU: I dont have green text
NU: idiot
OC: Btw, ignore that last bit, gabe. Also, just so you know this, if you turn out to be evil, I'm going to headshot you. ;(
Or if you're a kind of petty evil, I'll just go back in time with my 420SWAG and name you "Doucheswag Bronylord". uvu
NP: u fokkin wot m9
NP: Ive noscoped more bitches than you EVER will
NP: Blindfolded
NP: And also, 420SWAG doesnt work on me B-)
NP: because of my 420BLAZEITSNOOPDOGGDORITOSMOUNTAINDEWMLGPRO1080NOSCOPESMOKEWEEDEVERYDAYSANICBALLSWAGE
NP: So yeah
NP: Fuck off
OC: LOL ROFL LMAO NOTHING CAN BEAT MY 420SWAG POWERS XD
OC: Just shut up, greentext. I can't get in any trolling if you keep interrupting me!1!one!1! :(
NP: Okay nope
OC: Ignore that, it was meant for someone else. Just remember, I'm here as your guide. ;)
NP: Fuck this
OC: ;(
NP: Fuck this gay earth
OC: Don't leave, I haven't said anything important yet! :(
NP: Darude Sandstorm
OC: ಠ╭╮ಠ
nonsensicalUtopia ceased pestering originalCharacter
Gabe: Read a book for once. They make you smart, not that OC bronylord.
No. Fuck you and your books.
Gabe: Play wind waker.
Great. Now look what you've done. Now he's playing video games and won't stop for a long time.
Yterna: awake and use your magical lowblood powers
Oh yeah. You forgot about those. They're not really that useful to you.
Unfortunately, you don't have super-power-awesome telekinesis, where you can manipulate anything. You can lift yourself for a few seconds, and you can throw and lift solid objects. You can not make things catch fire, manipulate liquids or gasses, or make things stop holding themselves together. You can't manipulate light, but that makes sense because light has no mass.
Yterna: Give no shits and use them anyways.
You use them on some random stuff around you in your respite block, making sure not to screw up your computer. It makes a substantial amount of noise, though.
Shit. Your lusus is coming up the stairs to your respite block. Quick do something hide like solid snake or something
wait there's a cardboard box in the corner hide in that.
Yterna: There's a cardboard box in the corner, hide in that.
That's a shoebox, dumbass. How does one hide in a shoebox? HOW?
Yterna: Be the FRUIT
You are now the fruit. But since the fruit is a metaphorical object that is used to bring the narration text through time, you become Pilorr, roughly 2 hours in the future.
Pillor: Introduce yourself
Your name is Pilorr Hexmaa, and you are currently sitting in a pile of books about WEREWOLVES. You have no idea why you have designated this pile of books as your HUSKTOP DESK, but it is where you program your AUTOMATON CANONS, which is technically your specibus, but they always sort of hover around you, so they've only been put in your strife deck once. You have created these due to your interest in ENGINEERING and WARFARE.
Your chumhandle is blatantNoisemaker and you WRITE IN ALL CAPS, ExCEPT FOR THE LETTER x.
Pillor: become part of an arguement
blatantNoisemaker has begun pestering omnipresentAutomaton
OA: what do you wanT?
BN: GIVE ME THE GAME
OA: stop yellinG
OA: i'll give you the game when i want to give you the gamE
OA: gosmit gave the game to me for safekeeping, until he knew he had gotten the entire filE.
BN: THEN WHY DID YOU GIVE A FILE TO YOUR MATESPRIT?
omnipresentAutomaton has thrown his laptop across the room in a panic.
BN: IDIOT.
blatantNoisemaker has begun pestering restlessBlacksmith
BN: HEY
BN: OA GAVE THE GAME TO HIS MATESPRIT
RB: it's_fine.
RB: the_game_is_ready.
okay, it looks like it's the end of the first chapter! It's kinda long… the blood colors and authors of each character is in our fanfiction profile, so check that out.
Why didn't I post that at the beginning of the chapter?
Because
THIS
IS
STUPIIIIIIIIIID!