The concept of and the pairing for this idea was suggested to me by I'll Cover Angel and Collins. I must warn you guys in advance that this chapter contains what some readers mind find blasphemous. Discretion is advised.
DISCLAIMER: Total Drama would probably be banned if I owned it. It's only logical to assume that I have no involvement in the making of this programme, which is correct. And absolutely necessary. Fresh TV would most likely lose a lot of money if they incorporated some of my ideas into their shows because of all the boycotts from traditionalist-extremist dads and soccer moms who are too lazy to set up the parental controls on their TVs.
Anyway, here we go!
Inside a wedding chapel somewhere in Toronto, Canada, there thirty-six pews that could each seat nine people, eighteen on either side of the aisle. There were 324 guests at the wedding, a number in which nine goes into 36 times, and nine goes into 36 four times (plus, three plus six equals nine). Situated before the 324 guests was an altar. To get to the altar, one would have to climb three steps, so there were nine platforms that would require one to climb six steps to access placed on the altar.
Standing on one of the platforms were nine celebrants and the couple they were marrying. Each future spouse of the couple brought nine best men, nine best women, nine ushers and nine honour attendants. On six of the other platforms there were two best men, two best women, two ushers and two honour attendants; whilst the remaining two had three best men, three best women, thee ushers and three honour attendants each. The dress code for the wedding – which also applied to the celebrants – was either a suit decorated with nines or a dress decorated with nines. The whole chapel was decorated in nines as well.
As you can tell from the evidence, it is not hard to tell who one of the grooms were.
"Brick MacArthur, do you take Trent to be your lawfully wedded husband?" the celebrants asked in unison. They subsequently repeated the question eight times, also in unison.
"I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do!" Brick beamed.
"And Trent, do you take Brick MacArthur to be your lawfully wedded husband?" the celebrants asked Trent, also nine times and in unison.
"I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do!" Trent beamed.
"Glory be to the nine fathers, and to the eighty-one sons, and to the power of the nine, by the power they have vested in all nine of us nine times each, we now pronounce you nine times as husband and husband, Mr and Mr MacArthur!" the celebrants declared in unison. The best men, best women, ushers and honour attendants on the closest platforms placed nine glasses (that could fill 180ml of liquid) before both Brick and Trent. Brick and Trent kicked each glass nine times. When each glass was reduced to nine shards, the celebrants – again in unison – declared:
"You may now kiss the groom nine times!" Brick took Trent's hands in his and kissed Trent on the lips nine times. Each kiss lasted nine seconds. As the newlyweds walked down the aisle, the music played, which is the type of music traditionally played at Number Nine Religion weddings.
"Here come the nine grooms!
"All dressed in nines!
"They slip on nine banana skins
"And they broke their backsides!
"Because they don't have nine backsides!
"If they had nine backsides,
"Their nine backsides would have been immune
"Thanks to the Power of the Nine!"
There were nine limos parked right outside the chapel. Brick and Trent climbed into the ninth limo from the chapel and they were chauffeured off to where the first of nine wedding receptions were going to be held. Apparently, weddings performed through the Number Nine Religion must have nine consecutive wedding receptions over nine consecutive days, and in a different location. The wedding cake, which must have nine layers, cannot be same as the wedding cake held on the previous or next reception. The cuisine also has to be different. After the ninth and final wedding reception, the newlyweds must have nine consecutive honeymoons, each lasting nine days and they all cannot be in the same location. Failure to undertake these actions will result in an annulment.
There are many strange aspects of a marriage recognised by the Number Nine Religion. A married couple cannot get a divorce if the marriage is the ninth marriage of one of the spouses (this does not include annulled marriages or non-marital unions such as civil partnerships or civil solidarity pacts). Furthermore, a marriage is annulled by default if one of the spouses cheats on the other with nine different people or with one person nine times, if one spouse is cruel to the other in nine different ways or in one way nine times, if the couple has their tenth child, if the couple fails to have nine children by their 27th wedding anniversary, or if the spouses have been separated by a distance of 999 miles for a duration of nine years without seeing each other. The couple must also choose a surname that has nine letters, eighteen letters or any number of letters that can be divided by nine into a whole number. The couple can only have nine children, and in addition to giving each of their children a first name and a surname, each child of the marriage must have seven middle names so that they could have a total of nine names, and all of the nine names must add up to a number that can be divided by nine. The children must be named before they are nine months old, and they must be baptised nine times over nine consecutive days from their 990th day to the 998th day of their existence. Fortunately, Brick and Trent were planning on living up to these expectations. They could easily have nine children because every fertile woman, fertile trans-man or fertile intersex man must act as a surrogate carrier for nine children, even if they are living in a country that bans surrogacy.
Brick and Trent held each other's hands for the whole journey to where the first wedding reception will be held. They looked at each other and smiled happily.
They were looking forward to the rest of their lives, which they'd be sharing with one another, obviously.
As you can see, the Number Nine Religion is pretty much a rip-off from the Abrahamic religions. Don't worry, the Number Nine Religion is definitely a cult, which is not to be recognised as either a religion or a benign cult by any country in the world.
This is a multi-chapter story. In fact, I'm hoping to upload eight more chapters at least. Which means more psycho Trent and psycho Brick, which there wasn't much of this chapter.
Until next time!