"What... What is it exactly that you feel for me?" Dante's eyes were a warm caramel chocolate brown. I wanted to know the sweet soul behind them more than I ever had before. All of the letters he sent me gave me the greatest amount of feelings that I couldn't sort out in my head back then. I was mixed up, I'll admit. While Dante knew who he was and everything that he would ever be, I was still trying to figure it out. I looked up a moment, opening my mouth to speak. Silence at first, but the words needed to come out. Clearly he knew that I was unsure, and he wanted to help me.
"I- I want you to be my boyfriend, I think." The words tasted bad on my tongue, but I refused to let that be my fault. I was raised that way, in the deep south of the United States. My environment- my entire community- told me that lovers of the same sex was wrong. I saw how my family treated my Aunt and her lover. I saw what happened to Dante when he was caught kissing his coworker in the alley. I see the bruises and scars on his face, and sometimes when he laughs, he grimaces. Broken ribs. He had an elated yet sad look on his face. He knew I was uncomfortable and that I was afraid. I loved him.
"I know you're scared, but I haven't been able to forget you. Chicago was a place for me to open up. I learned, I practiced, and I gained experience. No one was mad at me for saying that I loved a boy there. Not one kid cared, and I felt free. I was..."
"Free. And you're free with me, right here, right now. I'm scared, yeah, and I don't really know how this works. All I know is that when you kiss me, my heart flutters and I feel good. Really good. Warmth in my chest and stomach and-"
Dante kissed me again gently, once more on the lips. He had frequently done this random kissing act, and I didn't really understand why. I wasn't complaining though. When he kissed me, I kissed him back and rubbed his knee. He liked that. I think he was testing out whether or not this was real, because I don't think he was expecting me to allow our second kiss, or third, or fourth. This was our fifth. We sat together in the bed of my red pick-up truck, staring at blue star dotted sky. The desert around us stretched on for hundreds of miles, and we were completely alone. This was our favorite place in the world. My cheeks turned red and I closed my eyes tighter, and he was quick to pull back and ask more questions.
"Ari, why did you change your mind about me? When we kissed a few months ago, why did you say you didn't like it? I really really liked it."
"I liked it too, Dante, I really did. I needed someone to help me see it. I sat with my mom and dad and they told me that rather I knew it or not, I loved you. I think that's true. I was too scared and blind to know it and accept it. Love isn't an easy emotion to figure out."
"And our kiss?" He inquired, taking my hand that was on his knee. I looked him right in the eyes and pursed my lips. He leaned in and kissed me again, and I kissed back. We were both a little shy in the way our lips moved in unison. I had kissed another with much more fire once before, and I know he had to. I assumed we were on edge, and I knew that it was my fault. Kissing a man was different than a girl, and I was adjusting. When we pulled back, I smiled. Six random kisses and counting.
"I lied about not liking your kiss because I'm a big baby. I was afraid of liking it, and thought I could talk myself out of it." I felt awful, because if I'd have told the truth, he wouldn't have made out with his cowardly coworker in the back alley. He would have been in my arms instead, resting beside me on my old bed. I loved the way he kissed me. I wish that I hadn't lied.
"Oh." He said in a matter of fact tone. He then looked at me and whispered, "You know how I asked you those embarrassing questions through the letters?" He blushed cutely, clearly embarrassed, and that made me blush. Dante was talking about the time when he asked me how many times a week masturbating was acceptable. I knew Dante had always been more mature for his age, and almost too smart.
"How could I forget?" I teased sweetly, kissing his forehead to relax and encourage him to continue his story.
"Was four too many?" He looked so embarrassed and innocent, it was almost shocking. Dante usually knew what was up, but he wanted to be normal. So did everyone else. I kissed his forehead again and rubbed his side delicately, shaking my head with a gentle smile. I didn't self-please- my body weirded me out too much to get into that funny business- but Dante did. And that was okay.
"No, not at all. That's perfectly normal. You're a needy young man though, Dante." Now that I thought about it, I was too. I shoved all the emotions away though because, yet again, I was scared of them. I didn't want my body to make me stiff and hard when I thought of him, but it did. I didn't know how to help myself, so I usually stayed in pain for about ten minutes before it dissolved on its own. I pulled him into my lap and rocked him for a bit, and he leaned his head on my shoulder.
"Aren't we all?" He mentioned, and I nodded in response. "Aristotle?"
"Yes, Dante?" My new boyfriend was running his hand against my peck, smoothing the ripples in my grey tee shirt. At first thought it was uncomfortable, but I had to drop the tough guy act. I smiled and watched him as he rubbed mindlessly, just enjoying my muscles.
"Will you kiss me at school on Monday?" He gripped my torso tighter and I ran a hand through his hair. I smiled- we'd been through a lot, him and me.
"Yes. I will kiss you in the halls and at lunch and at the lockers, just like every other high school couple does. I promise I will." I nodded confidently, even though I was truthfully scared. I know how everyone would look at us and treat us, but they'd just have to get over it. Dante was my boyfriend, and I was his, and that was good. All good and alright. Silence ensued for a while, until Dante decided that he needed to ask me another question.
"Will we ever have sex?" He looked up at me with eyes so innocent it was hard to believe he had those words were his. I contemplated his question for about five seconds before nodding.
"Yes. We will, just like any other couple." I was confident in my answer but I truthfully had no clue how the deed would be done. First off- both of our parents strongly disapproved of giving yourself away before marriage. My response? Dante and I couldn't get married legally anyways. Second- We were both men, and they didn't teach us about homosexual partnerships in health class. Third- we didn't exactly have the money to get ourselves a room. I rubbed his back, which made him shudder.
"You mean it?" Dante asked, probably just wanting to hear me say sex with him again.
"Yes, sweets." I gave him a nick name that matched his personality well. "I will have sex with you one day."
"Soon?" Damn, the boy couldn't wait for anything. He knew that I couldn't either. We were both so impatient.
"Not far." I yawned and looked up at the night sky, then removed my tee shirt. It was hot out in the desert, even at night, but that wasn't why I took my shirt off. He and I both knew it. I wanted to show off my sculpted body and he so badly wanted to touch it. Dante started with his hands on my shoulders, beginning by giving me a sort of massage and admiring my abdominals. I watched him curiously as he grazed his hands over my chest. I shivered as his fingers grazed one of my nipples, and I blushed. He blushed too. We were learning about each other; what we liked, what we didn't care about.
"I'm going to get erect from this. I can't stop it." He began to pull away, not wanting to spook me. But I held him there in my lap, and took a deep breath. I unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans. He had a completely shocked look on his face, but he was also in the beginning stages of being turned on.
"We 'ought to make some room then. I don't want you to stop, Dante. We don't have to go all the way yet, but I feel like we've been together for quite a long time now. I know almost everything about you, and you me. So let's take it up a notch." As I was speaking, he seemed to be in a bit of a daze. I wasn't exactly sure why, but he was becoming stiff and uncomfortable. I looked down at his lap, and it wasn't long before he was straining under his white underwear.
"Your hand… It…" He seemed awe stricken and giddy, and I wasn't sure what for. I wasn't sure why Dante did a lot of things, but this time I assumed it was because of me unbuttoning his pants. "It felt so good… Better than mine."
"Uhhh…" I sounded like a dumb idiot, but I couldn't help it. Of course he liked my hand more than his, he was a needy hormonal young man. Before I knew it, I was in the same position as he was. So he returned the favor and loosened my jeans. I, Aristotle Mendoza, was getting excited due to Dante Quintana's excitement. It was a weird feeling, considering the fact that I've never ever gotten this far with anyone. I was teased for being the angel virgin boy, but it didn't bother me. I was waiting for the right person. Dante was the right person.
"You're so handsome, Ari. I've always wanted to tell you that. I've always wanted you to believe that we belong together. Now you do, and I… I couldn't be happier." He smiled, hands still on my body as I lowered him to his back. Underneath me, his eyes lit up and sparkled. Dante was shocked and over joyed. "I've- I've only ever been in this situation in my dreams. I've imagined it and-" I cut him off by kissing him, mostly because I wanted to. I didn't want to talk anymore; just feel and love him for all he was worth.
I kissed him for a few minutes, then pulled him up into my body. I sat up and he sat in my lap, our fronts pressing intentionally. His hips pressed into mine every so often, and I felt his length rub against mine, our cotton underwear the only thing prevent a skin on skin touch. Dante felt sexy against my member, and it turned me on more than I could have ever imagined. He hugged my torso and I rubbed his sides. I could hear myself breathing hard and in a raspy sort of way, while Dante was making these animalistic groans and moans. The sexual stimulation made him cry out, and I smiled. I liked this about him.
"Ari? Ari I don't know how much longer I can do this…" It was obvious Dante was afraid of making a mess and scaring me off. I grabbed one of our blankets and smiled as I kissed his neck. The rational, fearful Ari wasn't there anymore. I just wanted to help Dante and myself reach a finish. We'd seen each other naked before, and I didn't really care. I felt brave about this stuff when he was with me. I carefully pulled his jeans and underwear to his knees, then held the blanket to his front. His jaw dropped and he leaned his head back as my hand cupped his bare pale bottom. He was incredibly light skinned for a Mexican American boy, and I loved that about him. He gripped my shoulders again and lost control of his body. I smiled and hauled him close, then wriggled my clothes to below my bottom. It took less than a minute for me to achieve a finish into our filthy blanket, and I cuddled him close. He laughed a bit and I laughed too, because it was so awkward yet perfect.
"I wasn't planning on doing that tonight." Dante spoke in a giggly, immensely pleased voice. I grinned and kissed his nose.
"Me either. I needed it…" I confirmed, feeling free and relaxed. Our little adventure was the perfect evidence that I could love Dante unconditionally, and be proud of it. He shuddered as I rubbed his back and pale bum again, and I felt at peace with the world. We could make it together, no problem. The hard part of figuring out our feelings was over. All that there was left to do was love each other.