The Skipping Bitches
"All right class, have a seat..." Mr. Garrison said. All the children sat down and then he began.
"Children, lately, there has been a spurt of bad behavior from some students in the class." He looked directly at Lily, and she sunk lower in her seat, trying to make herself disappear.
"Now, I'm going to make an example out of her-I mean, the student who has been causing all the trouble." He looked back at Lily again.
"Come on," he made Mr. Hat say. "Don't be such a little faggot pussy eater, get up here! You know who you are..." Lily sighed and shuffled in her seat. She started to rise and banged her broken leg against the desk. The pole made a hollow clang when it connected with her cast and she gritted her teeth. She had only gotten out of the hospital the day before from her assault by the ganglies and this was her first day back in about a week. She limped up to the front of the classroom and stood there, glaring at Mr. Garrison.
"What?" she said. Mr. Garrison had pulled down his pointer stick down from the top of the chalkboard.
"Eric, come up here," he said.
"Dude," Kyle whispered to Stan. "They're both going to get it!"
"Mr. Garrison better not lay a hand on her..." Stan growled. Cartman slowly walked up to the front of the classroom. Mr. Garrison handed him the pointer stick. Then he turned to the rest of the class.
"We're going to play a little game," he said. "Called 'Beat the Sack.' Eric gets to be the beater, and one of you lucky kids is going to get to go in the sack!" He turned towards Cartman.
"Eric, would you please go step out into the hall for a minute?" he said. Cartman shrugged and walked out into the hallway. Mr. Garrison proceeded to grab Lily and drag her towards the burlap sack. He went over to his desk and pulled out some rope, a gag, and a blindfold. Lily couldn't help giggling as he brought it over.
"What, is this your emergency kinky anal sex supplies?" she asked cheekily. Mr. Hat clobbered her in the head.
"Enough out of you!" he said. He leaned down and tied her legs and arms up and then put the gag on her. Stan jumped out of his chair, furious.
"What are you doing?" he cried. "Put me in there instead, not Lily!" Mr. Hat laughed evilly.
"No, Stanley," he said. "This is what your sister deserves." He put the blindfold on her and everyone could her cries of fury as he crammed her into the burlap sack. He took the extra rope and tied the top shut. He looked back up at the class then.
"Kenny, could you please go hide in the bathroom so that Eric thinks it's you he's beating the shit out of?" he asked. Kenny got up and walked into the bathroom, shutting the door. Mr. Garrison walked to the front of the classroom and poked his head out the hall door.
"Come on in, Eric," he said. Cartman came in, waving the stick.
"All right, by cracky, who'm I gonna be beatin' with this here pole?" Stan rolled his eyes.
"Oh no, he's reverted to the Crocodile Hunter again," he said. Kyle laughed.
"Yeah, Cartman's into the split personality thing," he said. "He's got Clyde Frog, Polly Prissy Pants, Rumplestumpskin..."
"I heard that, buttlicker!" Cartman cried, brandishing the pole. "I'm going to come over there and beat you with this stick, by cracky!" He stopped suddenly and looked around the room.
"Hey...where's Kenny?" He looked down at the bag and then grinned.
"Killer weak sweeet," he said. Mr. Garrison walked over.
"All right..." he said, grinning to himself. "GO!" The bag started kicking around madly, and everyone could hear the muffled cries, which made poor Lily Marsh sound for all the world like Kenny. Cartman raised the stick, grinning.
"Now, I'm gonna take this stick, and stick it right up his butthole, mates," he said. "That'll really piss 'em off!"
"Cartman, you can't stick it up their butthole, moron!" Kyle called. "They're in a friggin sack!"
"Shut up, you stupid Jew hippy!" Cartman said, and hit Kyle over the head with the stick. "That'll teach you to mouth off to me!"
"Goddammit, Eric, just beat the shit out of whoever's in the bag!" Mr. Garrison shouted. Cartman raised the stick and started wailing on the bag, laughing hysterically. He was having a good time with himself and so was the rest of the class watching it. After about ten minutes, Mr. Garrison told him to stop.
"All right, Kenny, you can come out of the bathroom now," he said. Kenny walked out of the bathroom.
"Oh, hey Cartman," he said. Cartman looked down at the bag and then back up at Kenny.
"Wait a minute," he said. "You're supposed to be in this bag. Why were you in the bathroom?" Kenny shook his head.
"You fat idiot, I was never supposed to be in the bag," he said. Cartman looked around the room and saw only one other desk empty. His face was a comical expression of horror and Stan would've been laughing if he hadn't known it was his sister in that bag. Kenny, however...
"Hehe, you're face looks funny, Cartman," he said. "You look like someone just kicked you in the nuts." Cartman ignored this comment and stared down at the sack. Mr. Garrison let out an evil laugh.
"Well, Eric," he said. "Open the bag! See what..." He put his hand over his mouth to suppress his laughter. "Surprise comes out!"
Cartman looked over at Lily's empty seat once again, trying fervently to deny that she was the one in the bag. He leaned down and slowly undid the rope that was closing the hole of the sack. It fell over and Lily tumbled out, in tears. Cartman got down and undid her gag and ropes.
"Lily, I didn't know it was you," he whispered. "I'm sorry-" She looked up at him, her eyes wide but understanding. She reached her hand out for his and grabbed it.
"It's okay," she said softly. "It wasn't your fault, it was that damn stupid ass fucking homosexual sandwich making teacher of ours! And his fucking puppet, too!" Cartman stood up and pointed the stick at Mr. Garrison.
"You tricked me!" he said. "Now you're going to pay, you son of a bitch!" He ran over to him, swinging the stick wildly. Lily, in the meantime, had gotten up and was staring around the room, dazed. Stan got up and walked over to her.
"Dude, are you all right?" he asked. "You look stoned, or something." Lily turned her head over to him slowly. She blinked once or twice and then rubbed her back.
"I'm fine," she said. "Just a little sore, that's all." She looked over at Cartman, who was beating the crap out of Mr. Garrison with the pointer.
"It wasn't his fault," she said to Stan. Then, she laughed a bit as she slowly started to make her way back to her desk.
"At least Garrison's getting what he deserved," she said, pointing to him. Cartman had taken Mr. Hat off his hand and was holding it high above his head.
"Kenny, do you have your lighter?" he asked. Kenny nodded.
"Sure do," he said. "Just let me look around for it..." He started rummaging through the pockets of his parka. He pulled out a porno magazine. Cartman's mother was laying with Prince William on the front of it.
"Oh, oops, hehe," he said. "Gotta save that for later...not these..." He tossed a bunch of cut out magazine pictures onto his desk. Stan, Lily and Kyle looked them over and laughed. Pamela Anderson Lee, Winona Ryder, Jennifer Anniston...the list was endless. Finally, Kenny pulled out his lighter and tossed it to Cartman.
"Here," he said, chuckling while burying his face in the porno magazine.
"Kenny, you're one sick bastard," Lily said, turning around to face the front of the class with disgust. Her emotions quickly changed to glee and a warm affection for Cartman as the little porker promptly lit Mr. Hat on fire!
"No! Mr. Hat!" Mr. Garrison, screamed, getting up. He was covered in welts and bruises from where the pointer stick had come down upon him. Cartman, still holding the flaming puppet, ran over to the window. He opened it up and then turned back around to face the fuming teacher, a smug grin plastered across his face.
"Say good bye to your puppet fag buddy, asshole," he said and threw him carelessly out the window. Mr. Garrison let out a moan of despair. He forgot about Cartman entirely and over to the window, leaning out.
"Mr. Hat, can you hear me!" he called. "Mr. Hat..." He leaned out the window further to get a better look when Cartman struck. He got behind him and pushed him out, sending him plummeting down the two stories to the ground below, where he landed with a terrible thump. All the children gathered around the window, pushing and shoving so they could see. He lay there, still, limp, and unmoving, he smoldering remains of Mr. Hat lying next to him.
"Oh my God, Cartman killed Mr. Garrison!" Stan shouted, shocked.
"Kick ass!" Kyle cried.
"Sweeet," Lily said, standing up at the window edge with Cartman. She patted his shoulder.
"Nice job, babe," she said. "Couldn't have done better myself." Cartman looked down to the ground and blushed.
"Aww, it was nothing, Lily," he said. Lily smiled.
"Sure it was," she said amiably. "You killed the stupid fuck! It was the coolest thing I have ever seen anyone do!" Cartman smiled back.
"Really?" he said. "Kick ass!" Stan looked around the room.
"Well," he said. "What are we going to do now? We don't have a teacher-"
"Oh yes you do," they heard someone say. All the children gasped and turned around. It was Principal Victoria.
"I was just informed that Mr. Garrison took the high dive out of the windows, so I called up someone to come teach as your replacement." All the kids moaned as they shuffled back to their seats, dejected.
"We were so close!" Kyle said. "We were so close to freedom...and then that fucking bitch had to ruin it for us."
"Uh huh," Kenny said, still ravenously looking over all the women in the porn.
"Jesus, Kenny, is porno the only thing you ever think about?" Kenny thought about it, and then shook his head.
"No," he said patiently. "I think about having sex with you most of the time-"
"Shut up, pigfucker!" Lily cried. "You better not!" Kenny grinned and put the porn back in his jacket.
"You are the sweet fantasy of my dreams, Lillian," he said. "I want to lick you all-" She leaned over in her seat and punched him. He fell out of his chair, stunned.
"Ow!" he said, rubbing his head. "That hurt, you bitch!" He got up and plopped back down in his chair in a huff.
"Well, I guess I'll have to find a new chick to fantasize over," he said. He looked over and caught eyes with Kelly. He winked at her and she swooned, little hearts floating over her head.
"I'll see you later, okay babe?" he said to her. She nodded and then fainted. Lily shook her head.
"You're so shallow, Kenny," she said. She was about to say something else when Stan slapped her in the arm.
"Dude, shut up and pay attention!" he said. "The new teacher is going to be in here any second!" Lily slapped him back.
"Fuck off," she said, but did shut up. They saw a shadow outside the door. All eyes were focused on the doorknob twisting. It opened and then-
"NOOOOOOO!" Wendy screamed.
"Hi kids," the lady said. "I'll be your new teacher, Ms. Ellen!"
"I killed you, you bitch," Wendy screamed. "I shot you into the center of the fucking sun!" She shrugged carelessly.
"That was my identical twin sister," she said. "I'm the other Mrs. Ellen. I'm not an evil, conniving, carpet munching slut like she was. I'm straight, I don't molest children, and I wear normal clothes. Can't you see that?" She was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt with a pair of sneakers.
"Oh...so, you won't try to steal Stan from me?" Wendy said. Ms. Ellen laughed.
"No, I won't steal Stan from you," she said just as the lunch bell rang. "All right, it's lunchtime, kids-" They had all, besides Lily, stampeded out of the room before she could even finish her sentence. She looked over at her.
"Hello there," Ms. Ellen said. "What's your name, little girl?" Lily gave her a sweet smile as she slowly made her way for the door.
"I'm Lily Marsh, Stan's sister," she said. Ms. Ellen smiled.
"Ah, you know who this Stan person is then," she said. Lily nodded.
"Sure," she said. "He is my brother, you know."
"What grade is he in?" she asked. Lily laughed.
"He's in this class!" she said. "He's the one in the blue hat with the red pompom on top!"
"Oh, you're twins," Ms. Ellen said. "What did my sister do to him?" Lily shrugged.
"I don't know, I didn't even know he was my brother until about a week ago," she said. "You'll have to ask him. Or Wendy." She made her way down the stairs and got in line behind Kenny, who was still reading the porno.
"Heh, took you long enough," he said without looking up. Lily leaned over and bashed him in the head.
"That's because my leg's broken, you stupid fucking bitch!" she yelled. Kenny shrugged.
"Ah, shut up, you beast," he said. Lily controlled her urge to slap him as she grabbed her tray.
"Hello there, children," Chef said to them as they walked up.
"Hey Chef," they all replied. Chef placed their trays out on the counter.
"How are my little crackers doing today?" he asked.
"Great!" Stan exclaimed. "We have a new teacher now, since Mr. Garrison was murder-committed suicide this morning!"
"I know," Chef replied. "That Ms. Ellen is one fine, sexy piece of-"
"Don't even start it, Chef," Kyle said. "Every time we tell you something, it turns into you singing some porno infested song that is just going to warp our already tainted minds further into oblivion."
"Uh, right Kyle," he said. They walked over to their table and sat down. Kenny pulled up a chair and sat on the end, while Cartman sat with Lily and Kyle sat with Stan.
"How come I have to give up my seat for that stingy bitch..." Kenny grumbled.
"Shut up, Kenny!" Stan and Cartman said simultaneously. Kenny muttered something evil under his breath but said nothing more. Lily pushed her food around on her plate, not really hungry. Although Chef's cooking put her mother's to shame, she couldn't bring herself to eat. It was just one of those days, she figured, that something was bound to go wrong. She drummed her fingers on her free hand on the table aimlessly, her other hand holding her fork, which was poised over a piece of tuna noodle casserole. Then, she heard this song coming from behind her. She turned around to see who the makers of all the caterwauling were. She saw Wendy, Bebe, Kelly, and the red haired chick Amanda skipping through the lunchroom, towards her table. Their arms were all linked and they were all chanting what appeared to be their theme song.
"Oh, we're the Skipping Bitches, us four,
Together now and forever more,
But if we wish to keep this clique alive,
Then we'll have to increase our members to five!
And we know just the person; she's sitting right there,
With the sweet pretty face and the flower in her hair.
How could you not guess? It's plan to see,
The girl that we speak of is named Lily!"
"Oh Jesus..." Lily muttered to herself, trying to hide under the table. The boys laughed.
"Looks like some people need to have a word with you," Kenny giggled.
"Shut up," she hissed. "I hope you get run over by a pack of rabid wolves, fuckhead." That just made Kenny laugh all the harder.
"Wow, girls are courting you already, Lily, and you're not even a lesbian!" he added, struggling to keep his laughter under control. Lily's eyes narrowed and she leaned over and slapped him across the face.
"Shut the fuck up, you stupid poor ass donkey raper!" Kenny fell out of his chair and landed on the ground at the feet of the girls. He sat up and rubbed his cheek miserably.
"That hurt," he whined piteously. "That wasn't very nice, Lillian..."
"Don't call me that," she said, annoyed. "I hate it when people call me Lillian, my name's-"
"Lily!" Wendy exclaimed. "How are you? You haven't been in school for about a week!"
"I know," she said. "The doctors wanted to keep me there so they could suck more money out of my parents in health insurance. And, it took them five tries to get my friggin cast on right!" She shook her head and then gave her a half smile. "All the doctors in South Park are stupid anyway." Wendy giggled and then gave her a brilliant smile.
"Well, Lily, can you meet the four of us at the swing set after lunch? We all need to talk to you about something." Lily sighed.
"Sure," she said. "I'll be out there in a little bit." Wendy nodded and then started to skip off, still linked to the other girls.
"Come on, bitches," she said. "Let's go!" They all sang as they skipped off.
"Hey, now we're going to be famous,
Yeah, now we're going to be cool!
Now since we have five members,
We'll be the coolest clique in the school..."
"I never said I'd be in it," Lily said under her breathe as she watched them skip off. "I never said I wanted to be in some stupid ass group with four girls who have nothing better to do then discuss guys..."
"Lily, you should be honored that their accepting you, and so fast, too," Stan said. "Hell, some of the other girls would kill to be in one of Wendy's stupid groups." Lily sighed.
"Stan, dearest brother," she said, her voice dripping with sweetness and sarcasm. "I honestly don't give a sweet shit if Wendy wasn't me to be in her group or not." She stopped the sarcasm and sighed. "Stan, I don't like that kind of stuff. I like sports. I like playing tag and kickball. I like Terrance and Phillip..."
"I know, Lily," Stan replied. "But, you should join their dumb little clan. Because, if you don't-"
"I'm going out there to tell them I don't want anything to do with it," Lily said as she got up. "Someone grab my tray for me."
"Dibs!" Cartman said and started eating Lily's unfinished meal.
"Dumbass," Lily said as she walked off.
~*~
Lily stood out by the swing set, waiting. It was chilly out and she could feel the cold air biting the tips of her fingers through her mittens. She didn't want to be out here, she wanted to be back inside with her friends and her brother. Right as she was about to turn around and go inside, the girls came.
"Hey," Lily said amiably. "How are you guys?" Bebe smiled.
"I'm okay," she said. "The question should be how are you doing!" Lily grinned.
"Better then I have been lately," she replied. "I never thought I would say it, but I am honestly glad I'm back in school!" Wendy nodded.
"Well, enough of the small talk pleasantries, Lily," she said evenly. "We've come here to ask you a question. Haven't we, bitches?"
"Oh of course!"
"Yes!"
"A question!" Lily wanted to tear her hair out of her head and scream. I have never met a group more annoying girls, she thought to herself. They just have no idea how stupid they sound. She gave Wendy a small smile.
"Well?" she said. "What do you want of me?" The four girls sat down in the snow, and, after a few seconds, Lily followed their example. Wendy smiled again. If she smiles anymore, Lily thought, then it's going to crack off her face.
"Well, Bebe and I decided to make up a group a few days ago, called the Skipping Bitches. We run around singing dumb songs and then we sit down and talk about boys. We thought it would be good, but then we realized that we don't have a fifth member. You weren't here then, but, the boys tried to have a boy band, and it only worked when we had five members. So, we started looking for a fifth member. Then, we remembered you, and how cool we thought you were, and the fact that you can get us all closer to Stan by...well, never mind." She gave Lily her most sickeningly sweet smile.
"Will you join?" she asked. Lily sighed.
"Wendy, I honestly have no interest in the stuff you like. I hate talking about boys. It makes me sick to my stomach. I hate skipping, and I can't now anyway. I hate singing songs like that, it makes me sound like a cheerleader. I hate cheerleaders!" she said. She looked at her straight in the eyes.
"So, no Wendy," she finished. "I decline." The four girls looked shocked. Wendy then narrowed her eyes.
"Fine," she said icily. "But, before you can go, you have to tell us something." Lily sighed.
"What do I have to tell you?" she asked, already knowing what the question was going to be.
"Who do you like?" Wendy asked, and then, before Lily could answer, added, "Don't give me that I don't know bull-shit either. I can see it in your eyes. You like someone and your answer will make or break your connection with us." She gave her a look that was deceptively calm.
"Who is it," she said. Lily sighed and gave her a half smile.
"You wanna know?" she asked. The four girls were leaning close, like she was telling them the location of where all of the boy bands of the world spent their vacation time.
"Yes, tell us," Bebe said. Lily looked between the four girls, and she saw the light of victory shining in their eyes. She spread her hands wide and stood up.
"Cartman," she said. She looked at them again, reading their faces. Kelly and Amanda were shocked. Bebe was horrified. But Wendy's took the cake; it was the worst one of all. She looked disgusted. Her jaw looked like someone had taken all the screws out of her hinges and was just letting it hang. None of them spoke for what seemed like hours. Then, Wendy swallowed whatever lump she had had in her throat and looked at her.
"Did you just say...that you liked Cartman?" she said. Lily sighed, and looked to the ground.
"Yes," she said softly. "I think he's wonderful." All four of the girls got up and started to back away.
"Stay away from us, freak," Wendy hissed. "No one's allowed to like Cartman who associates with us!"
"I never wanted to associate with you anyway!" Lily retorted, hot, angry tears burning the back of her eyes. "All I wanted is for...is for people to accept me!" The girls stopped and looked at her. A crowd of kids had gathered around then, and she saw Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny somewhere near the back.
"All I wanted it for people to see me for who I was, not for how pretty I am, or what clothes I wear," she said, her voice thick with emotion. "I just wanted to meet new friends and start over here in Colorado." She lowered her head and let a few tears slip out.
"Now, the same things happening here that happened in Vermont," she whispered, and then started to cry. Stan pushed through the crowd and got to where she was. He stood next to her and pointed his finger at Wendy.
"Wendy, you know that no one cares about you more then I do, but you've gone to far! This is my sister and if you don't leave her alone then I'm going to leave you!" He turned to her and patted her shoulder.
"Are you all right?" he asked softly. She looked at him and nodded, giving him a small smile.
"Never been better," she replied. She looked up at Wendy.
"If all you can care about is boys and clothes, then fine," she said. "I'll leave you alone about that. But, you can't belittle me for my tastes, either." She stood their, her eyes locked with Wendy's both of them shooting daggers, when she heard Cartman's voice coming from her other side.
"Yeah," he said. "You all leave Lily alone, or I am going to come down there, and kick you right in the-"
"We know, we know, lard ass," Wendy said. She deepened her voice and started to mimic Cartman.
"Or ah'm gonna kick you in the nuts," she said sarcastically. "Cartman, the only thing you can harm is the cream on top of an ice cream sundae!" Cartman's face turned a bright red and Lily's eyes flashed, indignant.
"This means war, bitch!" she said. "As soon as my leg is better, I choose you!"
The crowd gasped in shock. No girls had ever chosen each other in the history of South Park Elementary.
"Fine!" Wendy spat. "I'll meet you here at three o' clock the day after you get that cast off!"
"Bring it on, hoe!" Lily shouted as the Skipping Bitches skipped away, singing angrily.
"Our leader has been chosen to fight,
A girl whose wit sucks worse then her might.
She's gonna meet her outside here at three,
Prepare to get your ass kicked, Lily!"
"Oh, piss off," Lily muttered. "I'll show her...I'll show that stupid bitch..." Cartman placed his hand over her mouth.
"Shh," he said. "Calm down, hoe!" Lily snickered from underneath his hand.
"Argh, get your filthy hand off my mouth, Cartman!" she shouted, muffled by the glove.
"Never, bitch!" Cartman replied. Lily bit his hand then and giggled wildly as he let go of her, screaming.
"Ahh, that's it, you're dead now!" he cried.
"Oh yeah?" she said and then leapt at him. She grabbed onto his shoulders and stared him in the eye.
"Oh no..." he said, trying to get away. "I'm getting out of here-huh?" He stared at Lily, shocked. She wasn't attacking him now, but she had her arms wrapped around him tightly, hugging him as tight as she could.
"I wanted to tell you this a while ago," she said, looking into his face. "I wanted to tell you when I was at your house, and I wanted to tell you when we were trapped with the ganglies, but I'm going to tell you now." She gave him a sunny smile, her face full of joy.
"Cartman, I love you," she said. "And I want to be with you from now on." Cartman was stunned into silence. So were Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.
"Did you just say...oh my god!" Kenny said and then his head exploded. The remaining four stared at his body in shock.
"Okay, that was...weird," Stan said.
"Really," Lily added. Kyle threw his hands into the air.
"Well, Cartman, what do you have to say to the touching love speech?" he asked. Cartman just smiled and put his arm around her.
"Back to you, Lily," he replied. "Back to you."
"All right class, have a seat..." Mr. Garrison said. All the children sat down and then he began.
"Children, lately, there has been a spurt of bad behavior from some students in the class." He looked directly at Lily, and she sunk lower in her seat, trying to make herself disappear.
"Now, I'm going to make an example out of her-I mean, the student who has been causing all the trouble." He looked back at Lily again.
"Come on," he made Mr. Hat say. "Don't be such a little faggot pussy eater, get up here! You know who you are..." Lily sighed and shuffled in her seat. She started to rise and banged her broken leg against the desk. The pole made a hollow clang when it connected with her cast and she gritted her teeth. She had only gotten out of the hospital the day before from her assault by the ganglies and this was her first day back in about a week. She limped up to the front of the classroom and stood there, glaring at Mr. Garrison.
"What?" she said. Mr. Garrison had pulled down his pointer stick down from the top of the chalkboard.
"Eric, come up here," he said.
"Dude," Kyle whispered to Stan. "They're both going to get it!"
"Mr. Garrison better not lay a hand on her..." Stan growled. Cartman slowly walked up to the front of the classroom. Mr. Garrison handed him the pointer stick. Then he turned to the rest of the class.
"We're going to play a little game," he said. "Called 'Beat the Sack.' Eric gets to be the beater, and one of you lucky kids is going to get to go in the sack!" He turned towards Cartman.
"Eric, would you please go step out into the hall for a minute?" he said. Cartman shrugged and walked out into the hallway. Mr. Garrison proceeded to grab Lily and drag her towards the burlap sack. He went over to his desk and pulled out some rope, a gag, and a blindfold. Lily couldn't help giggling as he brought it over.
"What, is this your emergency kinky anal sex supplies?" she asked cheekily. Mr. Hat clobbered her in the head.
"Enough out of you!" he said. He leaned down and tied her legs and arms up and then put the gag on her. Stan jumped out of his chair, furious.
"What are you doing?" he cried. "Put me in there instead, not Lily!" Mr. Hat laughed evilly.
"No, Stanley," he said. "This is what your sister deserves." He put the blindfold on her and everyone could her cries of fury as he crammed her into the burlap sack. He took the extra rope and tied the top shut. He looked back up at the class then.
"Kenny, could you please go hide in the bathroom so that Eric thinks it's you he's beating the shit out of?" he asked. Kenny got up and walked into the bathroom, shutting the door. Mr. Garrison walked to the front of the classroom and poked his head out the hall door.
"Come on in, Eric," he said. Cartman came in, waving the stick.
"All right, by cracky, who'm I gonna be beatin' with this here pole?" Stan rolled his eyes.
"Oh no, he's reverted to the Crocodile Hunter again," he said. Kyle laughed.
"Yeah, Cartman's into the split personality thing," he said. "He's got Clyde Frog, Polly Prissy Pants, Rumplestumpskin..."
"I heard that, buttlicker!" Cartman cried, brandishing the pole. "I'm going to come over there and beat you with this stick, by cracky!" He stopped suddenly and looked around the room.
"Hey...where's Kenny?" He looked down at the bag and then grinned.
"Killer weak sweeet," he said. Mr. Garrison walked over.
"All right..." he said, grinning to himself. "GO!" The bag started kicking around madly, and everyone could hear the muffled cries, which made poor Lily Marsh sound for all the world like Kenny. Cartman raised the stick, grinning.
"Now, I'm gonna take this stick, and stick it right up his butthole, mates," he said. "That'll really piss 'em off!"
"Cartman, you can't stick it up their butthole, moron!" Kyle called. "They're in a friggin sack!"
"Shut up, you stupid Jew hippy!" Cartman said, and hit Kyle over the head with the stick. "That'll teach you to mouth off to me!"
"Goddammit, Eric, just beat the shit out of whoever's in the bag!" Mr. Garrison shouted. Cartman raised the stick and started wailing on the bag, laughing hysterically. He was having a good time with himself and so was the rest of the class watching it. After about ten minutes, Mr. Garrison told him to stop.
"All right, Kenny, you can come out of the bathroom now," he said. Kenny walked out of the bathroom.
"Oh, hey Cartman," he said. Cartman looked down at the bag and then back up at Kenny.
"Wait a minute," he said. "You're supposed to be in this bag. Why were you in the bathroom?" Kenny shook his head.
"You fat idiot, I was never supposed to be in the bag," he said. Cartman looked around the room and saw only one other desk empty. His face was a comical expression of horror and Stan would've been laughing if he hadn't known it was his sister in that bag. Kenny, however...
"Hehe, you're face looks funny, Cartman," he said. "You look like someone just kicked you in the nuts." Cartman ignored this comment and stared down at the sack. Mr. Garrison let out an evil laugh.
"Well, Eric," he said. "Open the bag! See what..." He put his hand over his mouth to suppress his laughter. "Surprise comes out!"
Cartman looked over at Lily's empty seat once again, trying fervently to deny that she was the one in the bag. He leaned down and slowly undid the rope that was closing the hole of the sack. It fell over and Lily tumbled out, in tears. Cartman got down and undid her gag and ropes.
"Lily, I didn't know it was you," he whispered. "I'm sorry-" She looked up at him, her eyes wide but understanding. She reached her hand out for his and grabbed it.
"It's okay," she said softly. "It wasn't your fault, it was that damn stupid ass fucking homosexual sandwich making teacher of ours! And his fucking puppet, too!" Cartman stood up and pointed the stick at Mr. Garrison.
"You tricked me!" he said. "Now you're going to pay, you son of a bitch!" He ran over to him, swinging the stick wildly. Lily, in the meantime, had gotten up and was staring around the room, dazed. Stan got up and walked over to her.
"Dude, are you all right?" he asked. "You look stoned, or something." Lily turned her head over to him slowly. She blinked once or twice and then rubbed her back.
"I'm fine," she said. "Just a little sore, that's all." She looked over at Cartman, who was beating the crap out of Mr. Garrison with the pointer.
"It wasn't his fault," she said to Stan. Then, she laughed a bit as she slowly started to make her way back to her desk.
"At least Garrison's getting what he deserved," she said, pointing to him. Cartman had taken Mr. Hat off his hand and was holding it high above his head.
"Kenny, do you have your lighter?" he asked. Kenny nodded.
"Sure do," he said. "Just let me look around for it..." He started rummaging through the pockets of his parka. He pulled out a porno magazine. Cartman's mother was laying with Prince William on the front of it.
"Oh, oops, hehe," he said. "Gotta save that for later...not these..." He tossed a bunch of cut out magazine pictures onto his desk. Stan, Lily and Kyle looked them over and laughed. Pamela Anderson Lee, Winona Ryder, Jennifer Anniston...the list was endless. Finally, Kenny pulled out his lighter and tossed it to Cartman.
"Here," he said, chuckling while burying his face in the porno magazine.
"Kenny, you're one sick bastard," Lily said, turning around to face the front of the class with disgust. Her emotions quickly changed to glee and a warm affection for Cartman as the little porker promptly lit Mr. Hat on fire!
"No! Mr. Hat!" Mr. Garrison, screamed, getting up. He was covered in welts and bruises from where the pointer stick had come down upon him. Cartman, still holding the flaming puppet, ran over to the window. He opened it up and then turned back around to face the fuming teacher, a smug grin plastered across his face.
"Say good bye to your puppet fag buddy, asshole," he said and threw him carelessly out the window. Mr. Garrison let out a moan of despair. He forgot about Cartman entirely and over to the window, leaning out.
"Mr. Hat, can you hear me!" he called. "Mr. Hat..." He leaned out the window further to get a better look when Cartman struck. He got behind him and pushed him out, sending him plummeting down the two stories to the ground below, where he landed with a terrible thump. All the children gathered around the window, pushing and shoving so they could see. He lay there, still, limp, and unmoving, he smoldering remains of Mr. Hat lying next to him.
"Oh my God, Cartman killed Mr. Garrison!" Stan shouted, shocked.
"Kick ass!" Kyle cried.
"Sweeet," Lily said, standing up at the window edge with Cartman. She patted his shoulder.
"Nice job, babe," she said. "Couldn't have done better myself." Cartman looked down to the ground and blushed.
"Aww, it was nothing, Lily," he said. Lily smiled.
"Sure it was," she said amiably. "You killed the stupid fuck! It was the coolest thing I have ever seen anyone do!" Cartman smiled back.
"Really?" he said. "Kick ass!" Stan looked around the room.
"Well," he said. "What are we going to do now? We don't have a teacher-"
"Oh yes you do," they heard someone say. All the children gasped and turned around. It was Principal Victoria.
"I was just informed that Mr. Garrison took the high dive out of the windows, so I called up someone to come teach as your replacement." All the kids moaned as they shuffled back to their seats, dejected.
"We were so close!" Kyle said. "We were so close to freedom...and then that fucking bitch had to ruin it for us."
"Uh huh," Kenny said, still ravenously looking over all the women in the porn.
"Jesus, Kenny, is porno the only thing you ever think about?" Kenny thought about it, and then shook his head.
"No," he said patiently. "I think about having sex with you most of the time-"
"Shut up, pigfucker!" Lily cried. "You better not!" Kenny grinned and put the porn back in his jacket.
"You are the sweet fantasy of my dreams, Lillian," he said. "I want to lick you all-" She leaned over in her seat and punched him. He fell out of his chair, stunned.
"Ow!" he said, rubbing his head. "That hurt, you bitch!" He got up and plopped back down in his chair in a huff.
"Well, I guess I'll have to find a new chick to fantasize over," he said. He looked over and caught eyes with Kelly. He winked at her and she swooned, little hearts floating over her head.
"I'll see you later, okay babe?" he said to her. She nodded and then fainted. Lily shook her head.
"You're so shallow, Kenny," she said. She was about to say something else when Stan slapped her in the arm.
"Dude, shut up and pay attention!" he said. "The new teacher is going to be in here any second!" Lily slapped him back.
"Fuck off," she said, but did shut up. They saw a shadow outside the door. All eyes were focused on the doorknob twisting. It opened and then-
"NOOOOOOO!" Wendy screamed.
"Hi kids," the lady said. "I'll be your new teacher, Ms. Ellen!"
"I killed you, you bitch," Wendy screamed. "I shot you into the center of the fucking sun!" She shrugged carelessly.
"That was my identical twin sister," she said. "I'm the other Mrs. Ellen. I'm not an evil, conniving, carpet munching slut like she was. I'm straight, I don't molest children, and I wear normal clothes. Can't you see that?" She was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt with a pair of sneakers.
"Oh...so, you won't try to steal Stan from me?" Wendy said. Ms. Ellen laughed.
"No, I won't steal Stan from you," she said just as the lunch bell rang. "All right, it's lunchtime, kids-" They had all, besides Lily, stampeded out of the room before she could even finish her sentence. She looked over at her.
"Hello there," Ms. Ellen said. "What's your name, little girl?" Lily gave her a sweet smile as she slowly made her way for the door.
"I'm Lily Marsh, Stan's sister," she said. Ms. Ellen smiled.
"Ah, you know who this Stan person is then," she said. Lily nodded.
"Sure," she said. "He is my brother, you know."
"What grade is he in?" she asked. Lily laughed.
"He's in this class!" she said. "He's the one in the blue hat with the red pompom on top!"
"Oh, you're twins," Ms. Ellen said. "What did my sister do to him?" Lily shrugged.
"I don't know, I didn't even know he was my brother until about a week ago," she said. "You'll have to ask him. Or Wendy." She made her way down the stairs and got in line behind Kenny, who was still reading the porno.
"Heh, took you long enough," he said without looking up. Lily leaned over and bashed him in the head.
"That's because my leg's broken, you stupid fucking bitch!" she yelled. Kenny shrugged.
"Ah, shut up, you beast," he said. Lily controlled her urge to slap him as she grabbed her tray.
"Hello there, children," Chef said to them as they walked up.
"Hey Chef," they all replied. Chef placed their trays out on the counter.
"How are my little crackers doing today?" he asked.
"Great!" Stan exclaimed. "We have a new teacher now, since Mr. Garrison was murder-committed suicide this morning!"
"I know," Chef replied. "That Ms. Ellen is one fine, sexy piece of-"
"Don't even start it, Chef," Kyle said. "Every time we tell you something, it turns into you singing some porno infested song that is just going to warp our already tainted minds further into oblivion."
"Uh, right Kyle," he said. They walked over to their table and sat down. Kenny pulled up a chair and sat on the end, while Cartman sat with Lily and Kyle sat with Stan.
"How come I have to give up my seat for that stingy bitch..." Kenny grumbled.
"Shut up, Kenny!" Stan and Cartman said simultaneously. Kenny muttered something evil under his breath but said nothing more. Lily pushed her food around on her plate, not really hungry. Although Chef's cooking put her mother's to shame, she couldn't bring herself to eat. It was just one of those days, she figured, that something was bound to go wrong. She drummed her fingers on her free hand on the table aimlessly, her other hand holding her fork, which was poised over a piece of tuna noodle casserole. Then, she heard this song coming from behind her. She turned around to see who the makers of all the caterwauling were. She saw Wendy, Bebe, Kelly, and the red haired chick Amanda skipping through the lunchroom, towards her table. Their arms were all linked and they were all chanting what appeared to be their theme song.
"Oh, we're the Skipping Bitches, us four,
Together now and forever more,
But if we wish to keep this clique alive,
Then we'll have to increase our members to five!
And we know just the person; she's sitting right there,
With the sweet pretty face and the flower in her hair.
How could you not guess? It's plan to see,
The girl that we speak of is named Lily!"
"Oh Jesus..." Lily muttered to herself, trying to hide under the table. The boys laughed.
"Looks like some people need to have a word with you," Kenny giggled.
"Shut up," she hissed. "I hope you get run over by a pack of rabid wolves, fuckhead." That just made Kenny laugh all the harder.
"Wow, girls are courting you already, Lily, and you're not even a lesbian!" he added, struggling to keep his laughter under control. Lily's eyes narrowed and she leaned over and slapped him across the face.
"Shut the fuck up, you stupid poor ass donkey raper!" Kenny fell out of his chair and landed on the ground at the feet of the girls. He sat up and rubbed his cheek miserably.
"That hurt," he whined piteously. "That wasn't very nice, Lillian..."
"Don't call me that," she said, annoyed. "I hate it when people call me Lillian, my name's-"
"Lily!" Wendy exclaimed. "How are you? You haven't been in school for about a week!"
"I know," she said. "The doctors wanted to keep me there so they could suck more money out of my parents in health insurance. And, it took them five tries to get my friggin cast on right!" She shook her head and then gave her a half smile. "All the doctors in South Park are stupid anyway." Wendy giggled and then gave her a brilliant smile.
"Well, Lily, can you meet the four of us at the swing set after lunch? We all need to talk to you about something." Lily sighed.
"Sure," she said. "I'll be out there in a little bit." Wendy nodded and then started to skip off, still linked to the other girls.
"Come on, bitches," she said. "Let's go!" They all sang as they skipped off.
"Hey, now we're going to be famous,
Yeah, now we're going to be cool!
Now since we have five members,
We'll be the coolest clique in the school..."
"I never said I'd be in it," Lily said under her breathe as she watched them skip off. "I never said I wanted to be in some stupid ass group with four girls who have nothing better to do then discuss guys..."
"Lily, you should be honored that their accepting you, and so fast, too," Stan said. "Hell, some of the other girls would kill to be in one of Wendy's stupid groups." Lily sighed.
"Stan, dearest brother," she said, her voice dripping with sweetness and sarcasm. "I honestly don't give a sweet shit if Wendy wasn't me to be in her group or not." She stopped the sarcasm and sighed. "Stan, I don't like that kind of stuff. I like sports. I like playing tag and kickball. I like Terrance and Phillip..."
"I know, Lily," Stan replied. "But, you should join their dumb little clan. Because, if you don't-"
"I'm going out there to tell them I don't want anything to do with it," Lily said as she got up. "Someone grab my tray for me."
"Dibs!" Cartman said and started eating Lily's unfinished meal.
"Dumbass," Lily said as she walked off.
~*~
Lily stood out by the swing set, waiting. It was chilly out and she could feel the cold air biting the tips of her fingers through her mittens. She didn't want to be out here, she wanted to be back inside with her friends and her brother. Right as she was about to turn around and go inside, the girls came.
"Hey," Lily said amiably. "How are you guys?" Bebe smiled.
"I'm okay," she said. "The question should be how are you doing!" Lily grinned.
"Better then I have been lately," she replied. "I never thought I would say it, but I am honestly glad I'm back in school!" Wendy nodded.
"Well, enough of the small talk pleasantries, Lily," she said evenly. "We've come here to ask you a question. Haven't we, bitches?"
"Oh of course!"
"Yes!"
"A question!" Lily wanted to tear her hair out of her head and scream. I have never met a group more annoying girls, she thought to herself. They just have no idea how stupid they sound. She gave Wendy a small smile.
"Well?" she said. "What do you want of me?" The four girls sat down in the snow, and, after a few seconds, Lily followed their example. Wendy smiled again. If she smiles anymore, Lily thought, then it's going to crack off her face.
"Well, Bebe and I decided to make up a group a few days ago, called the Skipping Bitches. We run around singing dumb songs and then we sit down and talk about boys. We thought it would be good, but then we realized that we don't have a fifth member. You weren't here then, but, the boys tried to have a boy band, and it only worked when we had five members. So, we started looking for a fifth member. Then, we remembered you, and how cool we thought you were, and the fact that you can get us all closer to Stan by...well, never mind." She gave Lily her most sickeningly sweet smile.
"Will you join?" she asked. Lily sighed.
"Wendy, I honestly have no interest in the stuff you like. I hate talking about boys. It makes me sick to my stomach. I hate skipping, and I can't now anyway. I hate singing songs like that, it makes me sound like a cheerleader. I hate cheerleaders!" she said. She looked at her straight in the eyes.
"So, no Wendy," she finished. "I decline." The four girls looked shocked. Wendy then narrowed her eyes.
"Fine," she said icily. "But, before you can go, you have to tell us something." Lily sighed.
"What do I have to tell you?" she asked, already knowing what the question was going to be.
"Who do you like?" Wendy asked, and then, before Lily could answer, added, "Don't give me that I don't know bull-shit either. I can see it in your eyes. You like someone and your answer will make or break your connection with us." She gave her a look that was deceptively calm.
"Who is it," she said. Lily sighed and gave her a half smile.
"You wanna know?" she asked. The four girls were leaning close, like she was telling them the location of where all of the boy bands of the world spent their vacation time.
"Yes, tell us," Bebe said. Lily looked between the four girls, and she saw the light of victory shining in their eyes. She spread her hands wide and stood up.
"Cartman," she said. She looked at them again, reading their faces. Kelly and Amanda were shocked. Bebe was horrified. But Wendy's took the cake; it was the worst one of all. She looked disgusted. Her jaw looked like someone had taken all the screws out of her hinges and was just letting it hang. None of them spoke for what seemed like hours. Then, Wendy swallowed whatever lump she had had in her throat and looked at her.
"Did you just say...that you liked Cartman?" she said. Lily sighed, and looked to the ground.
"Yes," she said softly. "I think he's wonderful." All four of the girls got up and started to back away.
"Stay away from us, freak," Wendy hissed. "No one's allowed to like Cartman who associates with us!"
"I never wanted to associate with you anyway!" Lily retorted, hot, angry tears burning the back of her eyes. "All I wanted is for...is for people to accept me!" The girls stopped and looked at her. A crowd of kids had gathered around then, and she saw Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny somewhere near the back.
"All I wanted it for people to see me for who I was, not for how pretty I am, or what clothes I wear," she said, her voice thick with emotion. "I just wanted to meet new friends and start over here in Colorado." She lowered her head and let a few tears slip out.
"Now, the same things happening here that happened in Vermont," she whispered, and then started to cry. Stan pushed through the crowd and got to where she was. He stood next to her and pointed his finger at Wendy.
"Wendy, you know that no one cares about you more then I do, but you've gone to far! This is my sister and if you don't leave her alone then I'm going to leave you!" He turned to her and patted her shoulder.
"Are you all right?" he asked softly. She looked at him and nodded, giving him a small smile.
"Never been better," she replied. She looked up at Wendy.
"If all you can care about is boys and clothes, then fine," she said. "I'll leave you alone about that. But, you can't belittle me for my tastes, either." She stood their, her eyes locked with Wendy's both of them shooting daggers, when she heard Cartman's voice coming from her other side.
"Yeah," he said. "You all leave Lily alone, or I am going to come down there, and kick you right in the-"
"We know, we know, lard ass," Wendy said. She deepened her voice and started to mimic Cartman.
"Or ah'm gonna kick you in the nuts," she said sarcastically. "Cartman, the only thing you can harm is the cream on top of an ice cream sundae!" Cartman's face turned a bright red and Lily's eyes flashed, indignant.
"This means war, bitch!" she said. "As soon as my leg is better, I choose you!"
The crowd gasped in shock. No girls had ever chosen each other in the history of South Park Elementary.
"Fine!" Wendy spat. "I'll meet you here at three o' clock the day after you get that cast off!"
"Bring it on, hoe!" Lily shouted as the Skipping Bitches skipped away, singing angrily.
"Our leader has been chosen to fight,
A girl whose wit sucks worse then her might.
She's gonna meet her outside here at three,
Prepare to get your ass kicked, Lily!"
"Oh, piss off," Lily muttered. "I'll show her...I'll show that stupid bitch..." Cartman placed his hand over her mouth.
"Shh," he said. "Calm down, hoe!" Lily snickered from underneath his hand.
"Argh, get your filthy hand off my mouth, Cartman!" she shouted, muffled by the glove.
"Never, bitch!" Cartman replied. Lily bit his hand then and giggled wildly as he let go of her, screaming.
"Ahh, that's it, you're dead now!" he cried.
"Oh yeah?" she said and then leapt at him. She grabbed onto his shoulders and stared him in the eye.
"Oh no..." he said, trying to get away. "I'm getting out of here-huh?" He stared at Lily, shocked. She wasn't attacking him now, but she had her arms wrapped around him tightly, hugging him as tight as she could.
"I wanted to tell you this a while ago," she said, looking into his face. "I wanted to tell you when I was at your house, and I wanted to tell you when we were trapped with the ganglies, but I'm going to tell you now." She gave him a sunny smile, her face full of joy.
"Cartman, I love you," she said. "And I want to be with you from now on." Cartman was stunned into silence. So were Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.
"Did you just say...oh my god!" Kenny said and then his head exploded. The remaining four stared at his body in shock.
"Okay, that was...weird," Stan said.
"Really," Lily added. Kyle threw his hands into the air.
"Well, Cartman, what do you have to say to the touching love speech?" he asked. Cartman just smiled and put his arm around her.
"Back to you, Lily," he replied. "Back to you."