Pain Chapter 1: Yesterdays Letter, a criminal minds fanfic

A/N: A story came to me as I was listening to a song and I decided I am going to write it. It will probably be another long story but that is up to what you guys think of this first chapter. I hope that you like it.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters nor do I own Criminal Minds. I also do not own the song Yesterdays Letter. The song belongs to 98 Degrees.

Yesterdays Letter

(EPOV)

I wrote a letter yesterday
Just trying to explain
Couldn't find the words to say
'Cause you are so far away
So far away
I wrote a letter yesterday
It's so hard for me to face
That it had to end this way
But my love will never change
Will never change
When I search my soul to find the truth
About the love we shared
I wonder why you're no longer here

Today was my first day back at work after the break up of my relationship with Hotch. I was not even sure if I would be able to stay and work there now. I still love him with everything in me. After everything we have been through he just said it was over. I am not so sure that I can handle having to see him but I am about to find out. The elevator dinged on the floor I needed and the doors opened up and I walked out of them. I took in a deep breath and then I opened up the door to the bull pen.

I saw Derek and Spencer both sitting at their desks. As soon as they saw me they both jumped up and ran towards me. Derek reached me first and gathered me into his arms.

"Are you okay Em? You have not answered anyone's phone calls for the last week." Derek said.

I tried to smile at him but I could tell that I failed when he looked at me with concerned eyes. I took in a deep breath and then let it out.

"Derek I have not been home in a week. I was in the hospital." I said.

I heard someone gasp behind me and I turned and around and there was Hotch standing there looking at me concerned. I could not take it and I ran out of the bull pen. I knew then that I was not going to be able to stay here. Especially since I knew something nobody else knows and would ever know. Aaron does not want me and that is fine but I will not allow him to make the baby I am carrying feel like he or she is not good enough for their daddy.

You can just walk away
But I don't feel the same
My heart still beats for you, breathes for you, sings for you
And these feelings will never fade
I can hide my pain
But I can never hide the way I feel for you

I ran into the women's restroom. Once I was in there I ran to a stall and ended up getting sick once again. I did not even know I was pregnant until I went to the Doctor's the day after Aaron broke it off with me. I had been sick for a couple months and was getting even more tired. What the Doctor told me shocked me. Being pregnant was not the only thing my Doctor found wrong after the blood test came back. But right now I was not even going to think about that. After getting sick I exited the stall and went to the sink. I splashed some cold water on my face and washed my hands. I took in a couple deep breaths and decided I knew what I was going to do. After taking one more deep breath I exited the bathroom.

As soon as I stepped out of the bathroom I came to a complete stop. Standing outside the bathroom door leaning against the wall was Aaron. I could not deal with him right now and I really did not want too. I went to walk by him but he grabbed my arm and stopped me.

I whirled around and snarled "Get your fucking hands off of me Hotch. You have no right to touch me after everything you said."

He looked at me in shock but dropped the hand. I saw a frown on his face and I really did not care. I started to walk off but his voice stopped me.

"Why were you in the hospital Emily?" he asked.

I laughed bitterly and said "That is none of your business Hotch. Nothing I do or say is any of your business anymore. By the way you will have my resignation on your desk by the end of the day."

With that I walked back into the bull pen and straight to my desk. I turned on my computer and then waited on it to boot. Hotch came in the bull pen and angrily walked over to my desk.

"What do you mean I will have your resignation Prentiss?" he asked loudly.

I looked him straight in the eye as I stood up and said "Are you hard of hearing Hotch? I meant exactly what I said. I am resigning."

I heard two gasp and looked over at Derek and then Spencer and saw that they had heard what I said. I was sorry that I did not tell them and that they found out this way but it could not be helped. I really could not stand to see Hotch every day. As it was right now I just felt like crying. But I knew that I would not allow myself too. I would not let Hotch see how much he hurt me and how much he broke me.

"I will not accept your resignation Prentiss." Hotch growled.

I laughed and said "Well if you do or you don't after today I am done working here. And if you will not accept it then I will just give it to Strauss. Now can I please get back to work so Derek or Spencer does not get stuck with the paper work that is on my desk."

I could tell that Hotch wanted to say something else but instead he just glared at me and walked off. I sat back down in my chair and put my head on my desk finally letting the tears out. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked up to see Dave looking at me in concern. I just shook my head and put it back down on my desk. The Doctor had warned me that I need to watch my stress levels or I could lose my child and that was the last thing I want.

"Come into my office for a few minutes Emily. You need privacy and right now you will not get it." Dave said.

I've been talking in my sleep
About the way it used to be
Girl, I pray that you'll hear me
And then I'll see you in my dreams
Oh, in my dreams
But I can't forget the words you said
To move on with my life
And no matter what, I'll carry you inside

I looked up and finally nodded. I went to stand up but I just could not do it on my own. Dave saw this and he walked around my desk and helped me stand up. He then wrapped one of his arms around my waist and helped me walk to his office. I knew that I should have listened to my Doctor and stayed in the hospital longer but I just wanted out. Once Dave and I was in his office he shut his office door and locked it and then he shut his blinds. He led me over to the couch in his office and sat me down on it.

"What is this I hear that you have been in the hospital for the last week Emily? Why did you not let anyone know?" Dave asked.

I sat back and closed my eyes and I said "I did not let anyone know because I knew someone would end up slipping up and telling Hotch. Dave I can't stand to be here. I am resigning and I am moving. My Doctor thinks its for the best anyways. Hotch hurt me in a way I never thought I would ever be hurt again. He broke my heart Dave and it just hurts to damn much to have to see him, talk to him, and to even hear his voice. I'm going to go live with my mom for a while since the Doctor does not think it is a good idea for me to be alone."

Dave took one of my hands in his and said "If you want to be some where will nobody will think to look for you at why don't you stay at my home Emily? You know everyone will think about your mom and try to reach you there. At least this way they will not know where you are and I can take a couple days off to help you get settled. Now are you going to tell me what the Doctor has told you that has you acting as if your life is over?"

I laughed bitterly and said "Dave you have no clue how close you are to the truth. Lets just say the Doctor told me some news and I can't take the treatment for it because of another condition. Right now I don't want to talk about it. I need to keep calm and talking about it makes me worry and right now I can't afford that. But if you are sure I would love to stay at your place for a while. I need to type up my resignation and do the paper work on my desk and I really don't know if I can do it. I feel so drained and I have only been here an hour. I love him Dave. After everything he said I still love him. How crazy is that?"

I started to cry and Dave pulled me into his arms. There was a knock on his door but he ignored it and just kept trying to calm me down. Once I quit crying he pulled away and looked at me.

"Emily why don't you just take a leave of absence for now? Think on if what you really want to do is resign. If you do in say a month I will stand behind you 100 percent. As for your paper work give it to me and I will do it. I want you to go home and pack some things up and rest. I will stop by on my way home after work and pick you up. I will have someone else pick your car up and we will hide it in one of the barns at my house. Okay?" Dave said.

I nodded and went to stand up but a wave of dizziness hit me. Dave steadied me and then wrapped his arm around my waist again.

"Dave can you walk me to JJ's office and then Garcia's bunker please? I need to say my goodbyes to them." I said.

Dave nodded and said "Of course I will honey. I know that you feel as if Aaron has betrayed you but give him time and he will see how wrong he was. After visiting the girls I will walk you back to the bull pen and then to your car. Are you going to be alright to drive home?"

I nodded and said "The Doctor said I can drive but I need to be careful."

Dave nodded and opened up his door. We walked out of it and past Hotch's office. When he saw us he got out of his chair and came to the door. He looked at Dave and Dave actually glared at him.

"Prentiss come in here we need to talk." Hotch said.

I pressed into Dave's side and he took the hint and said "No, Aaron what Emily needs is to go home and rest. She left the hospital too soon."

With that Dave steered us past Hotch who was looking at Dave in disbelief and down the steps. We walked out of the bull pen and then down the hall and when we got to JJ's office Dave stopped.

"Do you want me to come in with you Emily or wait out here?" Dave asked.

"Actually Dave while I am in with JJ do you think you could put pressure on Strauss to get her to let me take an extended leave of absence? I really do not want to have to go through Hotch." I said.

Dave laughed and said "I will do one better. I will call the Director. You go in and talk to JJ for a few minutes. But I am walking you to the chair in her office. No offense Em but you look like you are about to fall over."

I nodded and then knocked on JJ's office door. When she yelled for whoever was at the door to come in Dave pushed open the door and then steered me inside. When JJ saw me she jumped out of her seat and ran to me. She pulled me into a hug and I gave her one back. Once JJ let go of me Dave finished guiding me to the chair and once he had me sitting down he left the office to stand in the hallway. He even shut the door for which I was thankful.

JJ sat on the corner of her desk and said "Emily you look like shit. Where have you been for the last week? I have called you and stopped by and you never answered your door. Are you mad at me?"

I sighed and said "JJ there is no easy way to say this but I am leaving the BAU."

JJ gasped and said "What? Why? What is going on damn it? Did Hotch do something?"

I laughed and said "Hotch has not told you that he broke up with me? After he called me his dead ex wife's name in bed! If him calling me Hailey was not bad enough what he said after tore my heart into shreds. I will never trust him again for as long as I live. And you know the bad thing JJ? I still love the bastard. As for why I did not answer my phone or my door is I went to the Doctor's the next day because I have been sick. The Doctor admitted me into the hospital and I just got out this morning. She wanted to keep me longer but I needed out of there."

JJ shot up in outrage and growled "He called you Hailey? What in the fuck is the matter with him? Emily are you alright? Do you need anything?"

I shook my head and said "Don't worry about me JJ. I have a support system but I am leaving the BAU. I was going to go ahead and resign today but Dave talked me out of it. He is talking to the Director now to get me an extended leave of absence. He wants me to take a month and think about if leaving is what I really want to do. I also want you to know JJ that I am moving. I will call you and let you know how I am but other than that I am not telling anyone where I am going. I was going to walk to Penelope's bunker but I don't think I could make it. Do you think you could call and have her come here please?"

JJ nodded and picked up the phone. After she told Penelope to come to her office she hung up.

"Are you sure this is what you want to do Emily? I know Hotch hurt you but are you really sure you want to go through this alone?" JJ asked.

I let out a shaky breath and said "It's not just the fact that Hotch has hurt me JJ. There are some things the Doctor told me and I need the time to let them sink in. Just know that I will not be totally alone. And I love you for asking."

JJ leaned down and hugged me and said "I love you too Em. You are like a sister to me. I just wish you would open up more to me."

I smiled sadly at her and said "Maybe I will later on JJ but right now I can't. I need to learn how to handle it on my own first. Please don't be mad at me."

Before JJ could respond Penelope burst into the office. After shutting the door she walked straight over to me and sunk to her knees and gathered me into a hug. When she pulled back she looked at me and I felt as if she could see through me.

"My dark haired raven where in the world have you been? I have been worried sweet pea." Penelope said.

I took in a deep breath and said "Penelope I am leaving the BAU for a while and maybe for good. At the very least I am taking an extended leave of absence. As for where I have been I was in the hospital for a week. And don't bother trying to figure out which hospital or what was wrong with me because my Doctor assured me she would not put in my file what was wrong. Just know that I have learned some things and I need to deal with them and try to make decisions. Also you sure know Hotch and I broke up. Well he broke up with me after calling me Hailey in bed and then he said some things that I can never forgive him for. I will be moving also and no I will not tell you where. However I will call you and let you know that I am alright and how I am doing. But please I need this time away."

Penelope's eyes filled with tears as she said "Okay Sweet Pea but if you need me you call. I do not care what time it is or where you are at. If you need me I will be there in a shot. I am so sorry that you are hurting and Boss man will be lucky if some of his money does not disappear out of his bank account. I love you Em. You know that right?"

I smiled and said "Yes, I know you do Pen and I love you. I promise I will call you and JJ to let you guys know how I am doing. But right now I need to go and say my goodbyes to Spence and Derek. I need to get out of here before I lose it completely."

JJ and Pen both nodded. Pen helped me up and then gathered me into a hug. Pen and JJ both walked to the door with me. Dave was still standing in the hall waiting on me. When he saw me he walked over and pulled me into his arms for a hug. He then hugged JJ and whispered something in her ear. JJ nodded and smiled. Dave walked me back towards the door to the bull pen and JJ and Penelope followed us. We walked into the bull pen and Dave and I walked straight towards my desk. Dave got my brief case, go bag, and my coat.

I walked over to Derek who had stood up when he saw us coming. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me tight. I hugged him back as the tears pooled in my eyes again. Once he let me go he looked at me and then kissed my cheek.

"If you need anything, anything at all you call me. Even if you just need to talk. I love you Emily." Derek said.

I smiled at him sadly and said "I love you too Derek. Thanks for being a wonderful brother. Watch over Spencer for me. He is going to need you now that I am leaving. I will stay in contact."

Derek nodded and then hugged me again. Once he let me go I walked over to Spencer and gathered him in my arms.

"You can call me anytime you want to Spence. I will always answer my phone for you. I will also call you. I just need time to get things straight in my head. I love you." I said.

Spencer nodded and said "I don't know what is going on but always know Em that I am here if and when you need me. I can tell that you are hurting and I can also guess that Hotch is at fault for that. Just know when you need an ear I am here. I will miss you."

I hugged him again as I started to cry and as I whispered "I will miss you too. I need to talk it over with the person I will be staying with but if they say it is okay I will tell you where I am at because I am going to need you Spencer. But you have to swear you will not let it slip where I am at."

Spencer kissed my head and whispered back "I swear Emily I will not tell anyone. I would not betray you like that. You mean to much to me."

I smiled at him through my tears and nodded. I looked back at my desk and saw that Hotch had come out of his office. He was looking at me so I ducked my head to get any and all emotion off of my face. Once I was sure I was showing no emotion I looked back up and saw him staring at me. I looked at Dave and raised an eye brow and he nodded.

"Bye guys. Derek and Spencer keep an eye on JJ and Pen for me please. I love you JJ, Pen, Derek, and Spencer. No matter what never forget that. I will call you guys sometime soon." I said.

With that I turned around and walked out. I looked back once and saw the furious expression on Hotch's face. Dave and I headed towards the elevator. Dave pressed the button but we had to wait for it to arrive. As we were waiting I heard footsteps and I knew who they belonged too.

"Don't I get a goodbye Prentiss?" Hotch asked.

I turned around and glared at him as I said "No Hotch. You get a go to hell!"

As I said that the elevator doors opened up and I swept into them. Dave followed close behind keeping an eye on me to make sure that I was alright. As the doors started to shut Hotch put his hand in and stopped them making them open back up.

He looked at me and said "I will not accept that you are leaving. You don't need to leave damn it!"

I once again laughed bitterly and said "I do not give a fuck what you accept Hotch. I no longer have to worry about you. Remember what you said that night? I am just a fill in for the woman you can no longer have. You also called me your dead ex wife's name. Well guess what Hotch what you want no longer comes into play anymore. I hope that you have a happy life. Tell Jack I love him and I am sorry. Well actually just tell him I love him. You can tell him your sorry because it is your fault I will no longer be in his life."

Hotch stepped back in shock and took his hand away. Once the doors were closed I let the tears fall. I love him still and I am not sure I know how to stop. I just know that I need to stop because if I don't I will have even more to deal with then I am dealing with now. Dave walked me to my car and set my stuff in it. He hugged me and helped me into my car.

He bent down and said "I will stop by and get you on my way home. Just go get some rest Emily. I will have one of my people meet me at your house to get your car."

I looked at him and made a decision and then asked "Actually could you have Spencer come with you? I will let him drive my car to your house. I know that I did not want anyone know where I am at but Spencer swore he would not tell anyone and plus I don't want it to be like it was with Gideon. I want him to know that he will know where I am at."

Dave smiled and nodded and said "I will talk to him. That is a good idea and I am proud of you for thinking of him even with all you are going through."

I smiled and he shut my door. I started my car and headed out of the parking garage. I started to cry as I heard the tail end of a song that made me think of Aaron.