Chapter 1: Mr. Snuffles
Bella Swan wasn't like any ordinary teenager in Forks, Washington. For one, she was absolutely hideous. Acne covered her face. She had large, squirrel-like buckteeth. And one of her eyes was hidden behind a tinted monocle (you know, to keep out the sun). Everyone at school--all of whom looked oh-so ordinary--hit on her out of pity. She had been modest before she moved to Washington, but her self-esteem soon became bloated.
Oh, and she had a vampire for a boyfriend--Edward Cullen. No biggie. Her life revolved around him, like Pluto around the Sun. He was, in her words, "devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful." This was, of course, because he wasn't human. Yet she knew that looks weren't everything, and--if it was possible--he was more beautiful on the inside than the outside.
Meanwhile, Edward was only with her out of pity--he would never hit on someone like that.
Right now, Bella was walking down the street with Edward to the Cullen mansion. He told her to wear a blanket over her head so that "no one could see her beauty" besides him; however, he really just wanted to hide her ugliness.
Though when Edward turned away, Bella took the sheet off her head to get some fresh air. There was a light breeze, and it blew tendrils of her hair around her face--they tickled her a bit, and she broke out in laughter. Edward turned around.
"WHY DID YOU TAKE THAT OFF YOUR HEAD?" he screamed. "PEOPLE MIGHT STEAL YOU, JOHANNA!"
"Ummm...my name's Bella."
"Oh, Bella--that's what I meant..." He paused. "Just...put that back over your head."
She obliged, because she loved him like...there's no way to describe her deep and profound love.
"Awww, Eddie," she said, her voice muffled by the sheet. "Can we pleeeeaasssee have intercourse?"
"What? I can't hear you. You're under a blanket."
"Can I take it off?"
"NO!"
The two lovebirds approached the Cullen dwelling. He led her into the house, reluctantly. His "sister" Alice had set up a birthday party for Bella--for some reason, she liked the merely human girl; Alice's vision saw that they would be best buddies. Seeing the future was Alice's talent. Her boyfriend Jasper was an empath; Rosalie was beautiful (as a human, she had been a slut--and as a vampire, she even did it with Edward once, but it's okay, she was drunk); Emmett was strong. Edward could read minds--except Bella's (her mind was empty). There were other vampires, but they were too boring and unmemorable to list.
"Happy Birthday, Bella!" the pixie-like Alice squealed.
"Oh, it's my birthday?" Bella said, looking at the '80s decorations around the house. All the vampires there, except Edward, were wearing afro wigs. A disco ball hung in the middle of the room where there usually was a chandelier.
"Yes, Bella, it is."
"Oh...how old am I?" Bella responded, a confused look across her face.
"Bella, you're eighteen today. Have you been taking your medication?"
"Oh...the white pills?"
"Yes, Bella."
"Ummm...no, I haven't," she said. "Pass me an afro--even though I hate birthdays."
You see, Bella hated birthdays because for every day she aged, Edward stayed the same. He was perpetually seventeen, while she might be an old granny by the time he chose to turn her into a vampire.
They all did disco a little, except Bella, who was forced to sit to the side and wear a helmet over her afro. These safety precautions were taken so that she didn't trip and cut open her head or any other body parts.
Finally, Alice said, "Present time!" One present was handed over to Bella--a shoebox. "We would have gotten you more, but, you know, harsh economic times..." Alice trailed off. "Anyway, open it!"
Bella opened the shoebox, and out popped a pigeon. It squawked and bit Bella's hand, which instantly began gushing bloodred blood.
"Noooooo," Jasper called, doing the Matrix. "YOU INSTIGATED A FIGHT WITH MR. SNUFFLES."
He crouched, ready to pounce.