Title: Only When I Sleep
Author: MacKenzie Rabb
E-mail: dana_mulder31@hotmail.com
Rating: G
Classification: Vignette, Angst, Romance (Harm/Mac)
Spoilers: "Skeleton Crew/Death Watch"; "Boomerang II"
Disclaimer: I do not own JAG or any of the characters therein.
They are all the property of Donald Bellisario, Paramount, and
CBS. No infringement is intended. I also do not own the song
"Only When I Sleep".
Author's Notes: This is my take on what Mac might be thinking
when she can't sleep (as she said she had trouble doing in
"Webb Of Lies"). We romantics can only hope. The Corrs song
was an inspiration as well.
********************
But it's only when I sleep
See you in my dreams
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside down
But I only hear you breathe
Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside down
But it's only when I sleep.
- "Only When I Sleep" by The Corrs
****************************
I rarely sleep for very long at a time. But when I do, oh God,
when I do, it's sweet torture. I see him everywhere. The only
man I've ever really loved. The only one who can make me
want to smile, laugh, cry, or throw something. The only man
who has devastated my soul, down to the core of my very
being, just not being able to have him.
It's only when I sleep that I'm allowed to touch him, kiss him,
wrap my arms around him, absorb his warmth, and inhale his
scent. I couldn't stop it if I tried. Unfortunately my subconcious
is the one thing I can't control, and the one thing I hate the most.
The jolt of electricity I feel every time he lays eyes on me is the
same in my dreams. Only in my dreams I don't have to look away
and pretend it didn't happen.
My dreams of him are so real that I see and experience everything
*too* clearly. I'm submerged in a haze of feeling safe, warm, and loved.
It pulls at my heart, and startles me awake, and I have to catch my
breath and tell myself it isn't real.
But I see that beautiful face, and those gorgeous green eyes no
matter what. Waking or sleeping, they're always there. I see the
way he looks at me, the special glances that seem reserved only
for me. But are they really? Sometimes I wonder. He naturally attracts
women, whether he means to or not. Does he look at them that way
too? Not that I could blame a girl for trying for him. He has good
qualities, attractive qualities. Namely, respect for women, which
is hard to find.
Lying here in the dark, wondering how I'm ever going to get
through this, I remember the few times he's called me Sarah.
It may sound silly, but my name is like music coming from his
lips. It's amazing what it does to me, the way he says it so soft
and low.
The way he said it in Australia. That conversation plays over
and over in my head. He knew I wanted him that night. I all but
said the exact words. But it was clear, and he knew it. And still,
he couldn't do anything. I know he wanted to, I could see it in his
eyes. But I still looked like his murdered girlfriend, and somehow
it still made all the difference in the world to him. He couldn't get
past it, wouldn't let it go.
When he *can* get over it, I imagine I'll still be here. But my
sanity is another story. Sometimes I wish Diane had never
happened to him. That would've made it easier for me. I don't
mean to sound selfish. I know he loved her, and I'm sorry
something so tragic, after all the tragedy in his life, had to
happen to him. The point is, a ghost can't stand in our way
forever. So why can't he see that?
We've both had a lot of pain in our lives, and just when we
need each other to hold onto, we let it slip away.
So here I am, night after sleepless night, wishing, hoping,
wondering about things that may never happen.
And all the time I'm doing those things, I realize it would be
unexpected of me. Tough, dependable, brave, that's what I'm
supposed to be. Sometimes I wonder if some people even see
me as human. But I am just a woman, just a girl with a heart and
soul, and the ability to fall in love like everyone else. Maybe Harm
has never realized that.
I just don't know how much longer I can stand him giving me the
jitters, and trying to hide it. My heart contracts every time I see him.
I've never felt anything so painful. If he notices how tense I am
around him these days, it doesn't register on the outside. My
breath gets caught in my throat when he looks me in the eye.
I have to control the impulse to reach out and touch him, but
that's my fault for imagining it so much.
If I'm not careful, I'll make a complete fool out of myself.
I'll never stop wishing that Harm wasn't such a fool, and
that he would stop ignoring what's between us.
The swirling images in my mind every night won't let *me*
forget or ignore anything. No matter how hard I try, I'm just
not happy. I'm sick and tired of coming home to just a dog,
and a cold, empty bed.
Harm doesn't know he's hurting me, and I know he never
would intentionally. I trust him with my life, but not my heart.
Not right now. He would have to prove a lot of things to me
before that happens, no matter how much I love him. I just
wish I knew if he loved me like that. Even if we couldn't be
together right now, it might give me some comfort to know
I wasn't alone in this. But if I knew, I guess things would be
different.
I'm tired of being confused, and I'm tired in general. Nights
like this make things worse. There's a perfect sky, full of perfect
stars, and a full moon out there, and he's not here to share it with
me. It makes me want to die sometimes.
Partners, best friends, it's not enough anymore. The only place
I'll ever have what *is* enough is in my dreams, only when I sleep.
THE END
Author: MacKenzie Rabb
E-mail: dana_mulder31@hotmail.com
Rating: G
Classification: Vignette, Angst, Romance (Harm/Mac)
Spoilers: "Skeleton Crew/Death Watch"; "Boomerang II"
Disclaimer: I do not own JAG or any of the characters therein.
They are all the property of Donald Bellisario, Paramount, and
CBS. No infringement is intended. I also do not own the song
"Only When I Sleep".
Author's Notes: This is my take on what Mac might be thinking
when she can't sleep (as she said she had trouble doing in
"Webb Of Lies"). We romantics can only hope. The Corrs song
was an inspiration as well.
********************
But it's only when I sleep
See you in my dreams
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside down
But I only hear you breathe
Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside down
But it's only when I sleep.
- "Only When I Sleep" by The Corrs
****************************
I rarely sleep for very long at a time. But when I do, oh God,
when I do, it's sweet torture. I see him everywhere. The only
man I've ever really loved. The only one who can make me
want to smile, laugh, cry, or throw something. The only man
who has devastated my soul, down to the core of my very
being, just not being able to have him.
It's only when I sleep that I'm allowed to touch him, kiss him,
wrap my arms around him, absorb his warmth, and inhale his
scent. I couldn't stop it if I tried. Unfortunately my subconcious
is the one thing I can't control, and the one thing I hate the most.
The jolt of electricity I feel every time he lays eyes on me is the
same in my dreams. Only in my dreams I don't have to look away
and pretend it didn't happen.
My dreams of him are so real that I see and experience everything
*too* clearly. I'm submerged in a haze of feeling safe, warm, and loved.
It pulls at my heart, and startles me awake, and I have to catch my
breath and tell myself it isn't real.
But I see that beautiful face, and those gorgeous green eyes no
matter what. Waking or sleeping, they're always there. I see the
way he looks at me, the special glances that seem reserved only
for me. But are they really? Sometimes I wonder. He naturally attracts
women, whether he means to or not. Does he look at them that way
too? Not that I could blame a girl for trying for him. He has good
qualities, attractive qualities. Namely, respect for women, which
is hard to find.
Lying here in the dark, wondering how I'm ever going to get
through this, I remember the few times he's called me Sarah.
It may sound silly, but my name is like music coming from his
lips. It's amazing what it does to me, the way he says it so soft
and low.
The way he said it in Australia. That conversation plays over
and over in my head. He knew I wanted him that night. I all but
said the exact words. But it was clear, and he knew it. And still,
he couldn't do anything. I know he wanted to, I could see it in his
eyes. But I still looked like his murdered girlfriend, and somehow
it still made all the difference in the world to him. He couldn't get
past it, wouldn't let it go.
When he *can* get over it, I imagine I'll still be here. But my
sanity is another story. Sometimes I wish Diane had never
happened to him. That would've made it easier for me. I don't
mean to sound selfish. I know he loved her, and I'm sorry
something so tragic, after all the tragedy in his life, had to
happen to him. The point is, a ghost can't stand in our way
forever. So why can't he see that?
We've both had a lot of pain in our lives, and just when we
need each other to hold onto, we let it slip away.
So here I am, night after sleepless night, wishing, hoping,
wondering about things that may never happen.
And all the time I'm doing those things, I realize it would be
unexpected of me. Tough, dependable, brave, that's what I'm
supposed to be. Sometimes I wonder if some people even see
me as human. But I am just a woman, just a girl with a heart and
soul, and the ability to fall in love like everyone else. Maybe Harm
has never realized that.
I just don't know how much longer I can stand him giving me the
jitters, and trying to hide it. My heart contracts every time I see him.
I've never felt anything so painful. If he notices how tense I am
around him these days, it doesn't register on the outside. My
breath gets caught in my throat when he looks me in the eye.
I have to control the impulse to reach out and touch him, but
that's my fault for imagining it so much.
If I'm not careful, I'll make a complete fool out of myself.
I'll never stop wishing that Harm wasn't such a fool, and
that he would stop ignoring what's between us.
The swirling images in my mind every night won't let *me*
forget or ignore anything. No matter how hard I try, I'm just
not happy. I'm sick and tired of coming home to just a dog,
and a cold, empty bed.
Harm doesn't know he's hurting me, and I know he never
would intentionally. I trust him with my life, but not my heart.
Not right now. He would have to prove a lot of things to me
before that happens, no matter how much I love him. I just
wish I knew if he loved me like that. Even if we couldn't be
together right now, it might give me some comfort to know
I wasn't alone in this. But if I knew, I guess things would be
different.
I'm tired of being confused, and I'm tired in general. Nights
like this make things worse. There's a perfect sky, full of perfect
stars, and a full moon out there, and he's not here to share it with
me. It makes me want to die sometimes.
Partners, best friends, it's not enough anymore. The only place
I'll ever have what *is* enough is in my dreams, only when I sleep.
THE END