Hi everyone! So I wrote this during my history class and lunch because I couldn't concentrate. All of this is based on my life except for the very end.
This is an AU and OC fic.
WARNING: contains huge amounts of angst! And tragedy. And self-mutilation.
Read at your own risk. R&R please!
Day after day I have to hide, but you don't understand. You never did.
As I fall lower, you stand over me, laughing. Pretending you care by offering harsh words in place of harsh actions, but it doesn't help.
As I lay in bed last night feeling, if possible, worse. You text me, telling me that my pain's only as bad as I let it get. You don't believe I'm trying to change things. Your harsh words become tear tracks permanently attached to my face. You tell me that if i did more respectable things i wouldn't feel so guilty about hiding everything, that it's just a vicious cycle. As i read your words, i reach for the only salvation I've ever known, my exacto blade. As i reply, the pain swells inside me, tormenting me in ways i can't escape, and I bring the blade down on my thigh. I hear my phone vibrate, bringing your response with it. As my eyes skim your words, one sentence burns itself into my eyes and mind, "life won't get any better if you sit on your ass and wait for the world to wow you and save you from your so called "hell". That's a bullshit fantasy that too many people fall in to". A sob rises in my throat as i realize that you never cared. You never really understood how i felt, how I feel now. You said you knew what the pain was like, you lied. You broke my heart and continued lying to me.
By now, my leg is gushing crimson pain, blood running down my leg and pooling at my ankle and spilling over onto my sheet. I move the blade to my other leg and reopen the words that i had permanently carved into my skin. Red for pain and blood, Death because I'm constantly surrounded by it and WHY because i never understood, nor do I understand now, why people drain others of all their emotion, then act as though they never did anything and try to "help them", just as you do to me. Do you enjoy causing me pain?
I switch off my phone, place it on my nightstand and move my knife from my bleeding legs to my torso. I tilt the blade and begin to carve. First the right side, then the left. I carve your name across my pale chest, causing almost as much pain to myself as you cause me, but i welcome this pain.
I've become a twisted monster.
Shakily, i raise the blade, blood running down my body and tears streaming down my face and bring it to my neck. I had studied enough anatomy to know where my aorta is. I place my blade against the white if my neck and press, instantly drawing blood, relishing the pain. I continue to press and begin to drag the knife across my neck.
Despite all that you've done, I'm still in love with you.
You tried so hard to make me change, I've tried to and it was never enough for you. You pushed me to my limit. You have caused me enough pain. It's time for me to end it once and for all.
This fic is devoted to the person who hurt me, and to this day does not understand the gravity of what they did to me.