**Wow, I haven't written a DBZ story in ages. I recently fell in love with the insanity of it once again. This is a Trunks and Pan story sort of…The thought of Trunks being warned about the horrors of living with a pregnant wife made me chuckle so I wrote this. Should I get a chance to continue it I'll probably have Pan torture Trunks with late night store outings and the like. Most of you know the drill…I don't own DB/Z/GT. They're the intellectual property of Toriyama-sensei.**
It was a glorious feast fit for a troop of Saiyans. After Trunks and Pan made their big announcement, Bulma and Chichi organized a huge celebratory dinner at Capsule Corporation in honor of their next grandchild further cementing the bond between the Sons and the Briefs.
After the festivities died down most everyone retired for the night with the exception of Goten and Trunks. The two best friends continued to hang out in the entertainment room that Bulma renovated recently. They sat in a comfortable silence on the couch, Goten carelessly flipping channels as Trunks snacked from a bowl of potato chips.
"Hey, pass that bowl over here would ya."
"No way, get your own junk food."
"Come on Trunks, share!"
"Fine, just don't eat it all."
"Yeah, yeah. Anyway, congratulations on being pregnant."
"Goten…Pan's pregnant, not me."
"Don't worry, by the end of this you'll feel like you've given birth too.
"Don't you think you're over-exaggerating?"
Goten stopped flipping channels and turned to face his friend. His usually carefree Son expression disappeared, replaced with a more serious expression that Trunks only rarely saw.
"Nope, hormones are going to drive her wacky and it's only going to get worse over the course of the pregnancy. Seriously, let me give you some advice. As a first timer, you'll need it. "
"Okay Mr. seasoned veteran," came Trunks' sarcastic reply as he took the bowl of chips back.
"Very funny. Anyway, here's tip number one. Whenever she says anything positive about herself, always agree."
"Aren't you supposed to do that anyway?"
"Yeah, but screwing it up while she's pregnant could put you in for a world of hurt."
"Hurt?"
Trunks stopped eating and put the snack bowl down on the table. Hurt as in pain? Are women really that emotionally disturbed and violent during pregnancy?
"Now along that same line, whenever she says something negative about herself, always disagree."
"Again, you should do that anyway."
"And again, if you screw this up while she's pregnant…well…you'll be in my prayers."
"Give me a break Goten! How ridiculous is this conversation?"
Pan is a sweet, beautiful, and intelligent woman. There's no way she could get that angry while pregnant…could she?
"I'm trying to help you here. I was lucky because Bra never liked fighting so a smack or punch from her didn't hurt so bad. Pan on the other hand has always loved training and fighting. You give her a bad answer and you could end up a pulpy mess."
"Eh?"
"Now, another thing you have to look out for is questions that require your input. This can be tricky so you need to make sure you respond appropriately. Let's practice"
"Practice? Seriously?"
"Yup."
Goten started to bat his eyelashes and cling to Trunks' arm in an attempt to portray his niece. Trunks nearly punched Goten. If anyone saw this out of context, it wouldn't be pretty.
"Goten! What the Hell are you…"
"Trunks, do these jeans make me look fat?"
"What? Uh…"
"Well Trunks?"
"Um…no, not at all."
Trunks went flying across the room after receiving an unexpected punch from his best friend.
"Goten! What the Hell was that for!"
"Too slow Trunks. You need to respond faster than that for your own safety."
Trunks mumbled a string of curses that Vegeta would blush over as he got up and made his way back to the couch.
"One more time. This time think a little faster."
Goten got back into character, latching himself to Trunks' arm and channeling Pan to the best of his ability.
"Trunks, did you like the stew I made for dinner."
"It was great Panny."
"Really? I was worried that I burned it after I saw all that black stuff at the bottom of the pot."
"No it was really good," replied Trunks after his stomach grumbled in nausea.
"Much better Trunks," said Goten after detaching himself from his best friend.
"Now I have two more subjects for you. First is sex."
"Sex? "
Trunks nearly went white. In his younger days he never had a problem discussing his sexual conquests with his best friend, but this was just weird.
"Yep…although it's really weird talking about this since it involves my niece," Goten replied as if reading Trunks' mind.
"Is that even a good idea if your wife is pregnant?"
"Don't worry. When Bra was pregnant the doctor made a point of telling us that it's safe. Apparently, he gets that question a lot."
"Okay…"
"Anyway, you can never be the one to initiate."
"Why?"
"Because you'll end up getting the crap beat out of you, that's why. Always let her be the one to make the first move. In summary, when she's in the mood, you're in the mood. If she's not in the mood, then neither are you."
"But what if I'm not…"
"Trust me, you will be if you value your life," Goten fired back quickly.
Sweat drop was all Trunks could do after hearing that. This was starting to get scary and was quickly moving on the verge of terrifying.
"Okay, so what's the last thing," asked Trunks fearfully.
"Oh yeah, the last and most important thing. No matter what time of day it is, you always have time to go to the store and get her what she wants when a craving hits."
"Craving?"
Trunks had heard of the dreaded cravings of pregnant women. In all honesty he laughed at friends and coworkers trembling in fear as they described what it was like to deal with. The day had finally come where he too would have to overcome this fatherly rite of passage.
"Uh-huh. It could be two o'clock in the morning, but you damned well better go and get pickles and ice cream if that's what she wants."
"Pickles and ice cream?"
"Whatever it is, no matter how gross the food combination is, you will go to the store and get it or if you have it at home, you will make it. If you don't, it's the dog house for you.
"Wow…I had no idea pregnancy could be so scary."
Goten looked at him solemnly and patted Trunks on the back. He felt true empathy for his lifelong friend. If there was any way he could help Trunks through the horrors to come, he would.
"It is that scary and more especially with a wife that's part Saiyan. I'll have more advice for you when she's further along."
"Thanks Goten. I would have been in serious trouble without even realizing it."
"Sure thing. Just remember what I told you. I didn't take Gohan seriously when he tried giving me advice so I found out the hard way."
The lavender haired half Saiyan got up from his spot on the couch and stretched a bit before giving a yawn.
"Well, I better get back to Pan and turn in for the night. We have another doctor's appointment tomorrow."
"Good night and remember what I said."
"Yup, thanks Goten."
***One Hour Later***
Goten was still up watching TV. Somehow he got sucked into a midnight movie feature. Bra was sure to yell at him whenever she woke up. As he continued to watch his sensitive hearing began to pick up an argument in the making.
"Trunks, do you think the red nightie you bought me a month ago will still look good on me?"
"Pan, you'd look beautiful in it no matter what."
"No matter what? What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means exactly what I said Pan."
"Are you saying I would look fat?"
"No! Pan you're not even showing yet!"
"So you're saying I would look fat in it when I'm showing?"
Goten cringed as he heard a loud smack.
"Ow! Pan I didn't say that at all!"
"I think you should go sleep on the couch."
"But Panny…"
"COUCH!"
"Yes ma'am."
Goten shook his head knowingly. Trunks almost had it right. If only he would have just left out the "no matter what" part. Guess Trunks wasn't paying attention after all.