She Ain't You
I walked through the front door and placed my keys in the bowl that sat on the table next to the stairs. The look that had been in her eyes when the therapist asked the question I'd been thinking about for the last four years, replayed in my mind. Do you two still love each other? She had so much pain inside of her; I realized that today. All of the mornings I'd come over and make her breakfast, and all of the times she'd found my laundry entangled with hers, was only causing her more pain. I should've known. I should've seen what this was doing to her. I was so caught up in the familiarity of it all, I hadn't thought about what I was doing to her or the possibility that she still loved me.
It broke my heart to think I was still breaking hers.
Why did Barbara Jean have to walk in at that very moment? I could see Reba's walls falling down around her and for once, she was about to bare her feelings to me. She needed the closure, for I'd been too caught up in my own life four years ago to give her that very thing. Instead, I flaunted my new life in front her. I've done nothing but hurt her continually over the last four years. From the birthing class, to the engagement ring, to coming to her with every single problem Barbara Jean and I had. No wonder her eyes were filled with so much pain, the pain I'd caused single-handedly.
If only she knew. If only she knew.
"You beat me home! You must've been driving awfully fast, mister." Barbara Jean walked through the front door and I felt my entire body cringe. The pain I was feeling in my heart was becoming too much to bare and the last thing I felt up to was pretending. She walked up to me and kissed my lips. I felt nothing, no jolt, no spark, no love. Just, nothing.
"Hey, honey." I was able to form the words I knew she was expecting. We managed to get through the counselling session without any further mention of Reba and for that, I was thankful. But I saw the look in his eyes every time he looked my way. He knew. He knew that I still loved Reba. A fact I've buried deep down inside of me.
"That was a good session today, huh?" I only nodded. I didn't want to talk about it. I only wanted quiet. "And I'm glad to see Reba took my advice and came to talk to him. I only wish I had been there. I think we still have to work out some issues between us, what with me stealing her husband and all."
I felt rage pass through my body as I remembered the mistake that had caused this all in the first place. I couldn't control myself and because of that, my whole family had to pay. How selfish I had been.
"Anyway, I'm going to go start dinner. I'm thinking lamb chops and those little potatoes you like so much." Her words were just an echo in my ears now, as my mind was on Reba once again. Barbara Jean didn't seem to notice though and she kissed me again before leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I walked up the stairs and into our bedroom. It was messy, cluttered, unorganized; nothing like the room I had shared with Reba. Even the colours seemed dull and lacking in comparison. I loosened my tie and pulled it over my head. I tried desperately to think of anything other than the woman that haunted my mind, but for the life of me, I couldn't. And then I remembered the feeling that had passed through my chest when her body had pressed against mine in the door way of the office. She had been so surprised. Hell, I had been, too. I wanted to embrace her so very badly at that moment, but I couldn't. That was a privilege I had to give up long ago.
I unbuttoned my shirt and threw on the first tee-shirt I could find. I wanted this day to be over. I wanted this nightmare to end. I wanted to go back to my condo and drink this pain away. But Barbara Jean had insisted I come over for dinner and who was I to say no? She was trying and I was supposed to, too.
I couldn't help but wonder if Reba was thinking about me right now, like I am her. Maybe. Maybe she was sitting on the couch with a glass of red wine, her book in her lap because her mind is ridden with thoughts of us, the answer to that question echoing through her mind just as it is mine.
"Brock? Dinners ready!" I heard Barbara Jean shout from the bottom of the stairs, jostling me from my thoughts. How long had I been up here? How long had I been thinking of Reba?
I walked downstairs and into the kitchen. Henry immediately ran up to me and wrapped his arms around my legs and, for a moment, the pain in my chest vanished. He was so happy to see me.
"Hey, buddy. How was daycare?" I knelt down to his level and messed up his hair. He was the only thing keeping me from walking out of that door.
"Good! I got a new dinosaur, look!" He held the little toy up in front of my face and I couldn't help but smile.
"Well, we just might have to play with them later, huh?" His eyes lit up at my words and I knew I had made his day. "But let's sit down and eat the nice dinner your mom made, okay?" He nodded and we walked over to the table. I lifted him into his highchair and sat at my place setting. Maybe some quality time with my family is what I needed to push down these feelings that had risen.
I was wrong.
As we ate, Barbara Jean and Henry exchanged stories about their days. I only nodded here and there because, once again, my mind was elsewhere. I wasn't hungry, but I ate. Barbara Jean would notice if I didn't and the last thing I wanted was to talk. The pain in my chest had only grown since this afternoon. Her face would not leave my mind and all I could see was the pain behind her eyes. She hadn't seen anyone, dated anyone, in so long. That should've been the sign. She was so busy caring for me and Barbara Jean that she didn't have the time or, perhaps, she didn't want to. It was killing me to think that she was still holding on.
"Are you done?" I looked up and saw Barbara Jean reaching for my plate. She had a smile on her face as she awaited my answer and suddenly I felt guilty for the thoughts that were passing through my mind. I nodded and she took my plate.
"Want to go play with your toys, buddy?" Henry clapped his hands in excitement and I lifted him from his chair. I sat on the floor in the living room with my legs crossed and admired his dinosaur collection. I watched him as he told me story after story about each dinosaur. His smile only grew with time and I found a relief for my pain, even if it was just for a moment.
"Do you want your daddy to put you to bed before he leaves?" Barbara Jean asked as she walked out of the kitchen. I hadn't realized how long I had been playing with Henry. The dishes were cleaned and it was his bed time.
I grabbed his hand and let him lead me up to his bedroom. He giggled the entire bath time and told me how much he loved me as I tucked him in. He missed me being home, I could hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes. "I love you, too, buddy." I kissed his forehead and turned out the light next to his bed.
"Alright, I better get going." I said as I walked down the stair case by our front door. Barbara Jean stood from the couch and walked over to me. I managed to smile, causing a smile to pass across her lips, as well. She placed a hand on my chest and leaned into my body.
"I was thinking maybe you could stay, y'know, with what the therapist said and everything." Her lips moved closer to mine and I had to resist the urge to push her away from me because, she was right. She was my wife and we were supposed to be fixing things.
She kissed me and my mind immediately went to Reba. Her lips moved with mine and nothing about it felt right. I thought of Reba and what she was doing at this very moment. I wasn't thinking about the woman in front of me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and all I could think about was how Reba wrapped her arms around my neck. Her tongue brushed against my lip and all I could think about was how Reba used to do that.
Barbara Jean pulled away from me with a smile on her face and I tried to process what was happening. She grabbed my hand and ran up the stairs. I ran with her and before I could stop them, memories flashed through my mind like pictures in a slide show. I could hear her laugh and see her smile as she looked back at me while running up our old staircase.
Barbara Jean backed herself against the wall in the hallway and pulled me to her. She kissed me once again and another flash went off behind my eyes. I remember pushing her against the wall at the top of the stairs and tearing her clothes from her body, red hair surrounding my face. My heart twisted at the memory.
Before I knew it, I was making love to Barbara Jean, like she was Reba. But she wasn't. No matter how much I wished she was, she never would be. All I could do was close my eyes because if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to hold the tears back. The only woman I wanted to make love to was the one I was in love with. The one who was in the home I once shared with her down the street and not right here in front of me.
Barbara Jean held my hand as she slept, but I only stared at the ceiling. I could hear her breathing and it only made me think of Reba. I remembered the sound of her heart beating against my ear and her laugh when she'd tell me to move my head. I could feel her finger tips on my chest and the warmth of her body next to mine. I could hear her sleepy voice whispering those three precious words to me as she drifted away and for a second, it felt like she was next to me. But I looked over and reminded myself she wasn't.
I had to leave, I had to get out of here. I couldn't do this anymore, I couldn't take this pain. I needed to forget. I grabbed my clothes from the floor and left the bedroom. I needed to get back to the condo, I needed to be anywhere but here. I dressed quickly and grabbed my keys from the bowl. I opened the door to my SUV and turned the key in the ignition. My heart was pounding and my breathing was laboured. What was going on inside my head? I didn't know.
As I drove down the familiar street, I found myself slowing as I noticed that the living room light still lit up Reba's front porch. She never went to bed without turning off the lights which meant she was still awake. At that moment, I knew she was thinking about our run in earlier this afternoon. She was thinking about me, just as I was thinking about her.
My hands had a mind of their own and before I could stop their motion, I was turning into her driveway and pulling the key from the ignition. My feet felt heavy as I approached her doorstep, the sound of each footstep I took echoed through my ears like it was the only sound in the world. My throat had become dry and I tried desperately to swallow, but it didn't help. I was nervous. I've come over here almost every day for the last four years and for the first time, I was nervous.
I knocked on her door and heard her shuffling from the couch until she stood in front of me, the wood of the door the only thing standing between us. I could feel her hesitation when she realized it was me and the moment it took her to open the door, felt like the longest moment of my life.
"Brock, what're you doin' here?" She pulled her cardigan tighter around her body and I noticed the redness in her eyes. She had been crying.
"I… I don't know. I was driving home and I saw your light on. I can't stop thinking about this afternoon." My voice threatened to waiver, but I pushed the strength I knew I didn't have. And that's when I saw it again, the pain in her eyes at the mention of our run in earlier.
"Want some tea?" Despite it all, she smiled softly and I felt my pain lessen once again. I could feel the warmth radiating from her simple gesture. I nodded and she moved aside, letting me walk into her home. I sat on the couch and she walked into the kitchen. I didn't know why I was here or what I wanted to say. All I knew was that I wanted to be near her, I needed to be near her for everything inside of me was threatening to crumble.
Reba walked out of the kitchen with two mugs in her hands. She handed me one and sat at the other end of the couch. I watched the steam rise from the warmth of the water in my cup. I didn't know what to say so we sat in silence.
"It's late, Brock, why are you here?" She finally said. I should've known her patience would get the best of her. She set her tea down on the coffee table in front of her and I could see her staring at me out of the corner of my eye. I could smell the familiar perfume I used to crave and for some reason, I realized I hadn't noticed that scent in a long time.
"You were crying." My voice was quieter than I had intended and it took me by surprise. She wrapped her cardigan tight around her body once again and I knew she was uncomfortable.
"It's just allergies." She blinked and I knew she was lying, something she had never been good at. That's why I always won at poker, except when she was playing online, of course.
"You and I both know damn well that it isn't allergies, Reba." I looked into her eyes and knew she was on the verge of tears. I knew her better than anyone. She stood from the couch abruptly and walked behind it.
"Maybe you should go." She gestured her arms towards the door and I could feel her trying to push away from me once again.
I stood from the couch angrily; I wasn't going to let her do this, not again.
"No, Reba, I'm not going. We've been trying to have this conversation for the last year; we cannot keep running away from it!" My voice was harsh and I saw the surprise on her face. I quickly rounded the couch and stood in her path, perhaps too close to her as I saw her breath catch in her throat.
"Did you ever think that maybe I don't want to have this conversation because it's too painful for me?" Her voice cracked and every word dripped with a mixture of anger and sadness.
"I know it is! I see the pain in your eyes every time I close mine and it's killing me. I've done nothing but hurt you and I was too stupid to realize that until today. All I have done for the last four years was hurt everyone that I love. It's like this never ending cycle that I can't get out of. No matter what I do, somebody gets hurt." I was about to cry, I knew that and so did Reba.
"Love?" Her voice was a whisper and my heart pounded as I tried desperately to recall the words that had just slipped from my mouth. What had I said?
She started to back away from me, retreating back into the castle that shielded her feelings from me. So, I did the only thing I could think to do. I kissed her.
Our bodies were suddenly pressed together, the contact taking both of us by surprise. I felt her hands grip tightly onto my shirt and I pushed her closer to me with my hands that rested on her lower back. Her grip on my shirt tightened as my lips gently moved with hers and I knew she had been craving this kiss just as much as I had been. My chest was filled with pain and love and all I could do was pull her closer to me. If I let go, I was certain she would float away and take all of our memories with her. So, I held onto her desperately.
Reba let go of her hold on my tee-shirt and the hands that held me close just seconds before, began to push me away. Our kiss broke and I saw the tears streaming down her face. I'd hurt her once again.
"Go, please." Her voice was weak, something I wasn't used to, and I could hear the desperation in her tone. "We can't do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to bring back everything I've worked so hard to forget. I can't have you, so please stop reminding me why I want you."
Surprise filled me as her words hit my ears. She had just admitted how she feels, whether she realized that or not.
"I've been thinking about the question the therapist asked us earlier and I do, Reba, I do still love you." Her forehead twisted in pain once again, but I couldn't stop myself. If we didn't get this out in the open for once and for all, we would only continue to circle back to it, just as we have for the last four years.
"Don't you think I know that, Brock? I see the look in your eyes and I feel it in the air every time you're around me. When you're sittin' at the table waitin' with breakfast for me in the morning or hangin' around fixin' the sink with Jake; I feel it and it hurts because you made your choice when you left me, but you still keep me hangin' on."
I heard the pain in her voice as plain as day and I wanted to lift her into my arms and protect her from it all. I should've gone after her, I should've never left that day. Because she needed me and I needed her. She was the strongest woman I have ever met and she needed me despite everything, how could I have let her slip through my fingers?
"I didn't even consider the possibility of you still loving me." I'd done her so many wrongs; I never in my wildest dreams thought that she could still love me.
"How could I not?" Tears fell from her eyes and I finally realized I had never given her the chance to fall out of love with me. I hadn't given her space, I had only continued to show up every single day and remind her of what once was. She was the love of my life and it was my cross to bear to carry that love with me whether she was next to me or not. But she had done nothing wrong. She should not have had to love me from a distance, not after everything I've done.
I walked up to her and placed my hands on either side of her face. She closed her eyes, not wanting to look at me, and I knew the extent of the pain I'd caused in a matter of minutes. I wiped the tears from under her eyes and pressed my lips to hers again. I felt her try and push me away, but as I continued to kiss her with all the love inside of me, she melted into my hands.
I broke apart from her lips, but kept my face close to hers and much to my surprise, she didn't move away. She wanted this, a fact that sent a jolt throughout my entire body.
"What about Barbara Jean?" Her words were a warm whisper that hit my lips and I said the only thing I could think to say.
"She isn't you, Reba."
I kept one hand on her cheek and moved the other to her waist. She gripped my shirt once again and before I could connect our lips, she pulled me close and made the first move. I pulled her face closer to mine and deepened our connection. My hand moved underneath the hem of her shirt and rested against the soft skin on her back. Her tongue traced my lips and her arms wrapped tightly around my neck, holding me close.
I had missed every single detail about her and finally being back in her arms felt like the greatest feeling in the world. I could feel my heart swell in my chest and moved my hands to her hips, lifting her into the air and wrapping her legs around me.
She broke the kiss and moved her face to the crook of my neck, hugging me tightly as I carried her up the stairs and to her bedroom. I burst through the door and gently laid her down on the bed in front of me. I could see the vulnerability in her eyes and knew the only reason she was letting me see that side of her was because she still loved me.
I pulled my shirt from my body and threw it to the floor. I hovered above her body, my lips moving with hers as I slowly slid the cardigan from her shoulders. I moved my kiss to her jawline and then to her neck, the gasp that escaped her lips as I found the spot I knew made her weak sent excitement throughout my body.
Reba's hands gripped my shoulders tightly and I moved mine to the soft skin on her stomach, gently sliding her tank top up the length of her body. My heart stopped for a moment when I saw she was bare to the room. I moved my hands slowly over her exposed skin and felt her quiver underneath my touch.
She was so beautiful. Her skin was covered with freckles and her body curved in all of the right places. I didn't deserve her. I had never deserved her, but for some reason, she still chose me.
I quickly removed the remaining clothes from our bodies and looked into her eyes. I smiled when, rather than pain, I saw something else. Something greater, I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew it was good.
My thumb was on the tip of her chin and my hand covered half of her cheek. And suddenly, a connection was made. She leaned her head back against the pillow and arched her back, causing my thumb to slip from her chin and graze her neck. She held me close, so very close and we made love for the first time in five years.
The pain inside of me had vanished completely. I had wasted so much of my time spending it away from her, but finally, I was back where I was always meant to be. Her breath was loud in my ear as she gripped me, felt me, and remembered me. She had missed me, just as I had missed her.
Moments later found us holding onto each other for dear life as we both tried to calm our breathing. I moved my face into the crook of her neck and hugged her as everything I'd been holding in came bubbling to the surface. She rubbed the back of my head as my tears stained her neck. My breathing was heavy once again, but for a different reason this time.
Reba didn't say anything, she just continued to hold me close.
"I need you, Reba." My voice was muffled, but I was almost certain she understood my words when she rested her head against mine. "I don't want to lose you again."
"Shhhh." We held onto each other for what felt like hours and finally, I regained my composure.
In the dark, I searched for her face, trying desperately to find those eyes I so adored. But when I did, I saw the tears falling silently, glistening in the moonlight that flooded the window.
"Oh, honey." I kissed all over her face, trying desperately to rid her of her tears and make her smile and it worked for a moment.
"What happens now?"
I knew she expected the worst from me, not that I blamed her. I've always done the worst, but this time was different. This time I knew what I wanted and I'd be damned if I let it slip away.
"I'm not sure, but I do know that I'm not going to lose you again. I need you, Reba. And the love we share between us, the love we've always shared, I can't live without it."
She rested her head against my chest and held onto me. I knew she was scared, I was, too. But for once in my life, I was going to do that right thing. I just didn't know where to begin.