So...I'm not dead...just really lost motivation...I have written a bit... i dont think im continuing anyhting i've already posted. These are just drabbles... Well this one is a little on the down side... just really depressed writing it, but im proud on how it turned out. Warning: Character Death
"See ya James! Me and Logie will be back later tonight! Don't wait up!...whatever that means! Don't eat all the corndogs!" was all Carlos said as he walked down to the lobby to go on his date with Logan. It had only been about a month and half since Carlos and I had broken up. He said he needed some space and had to figure things out, he told me not to worry and gave me one last kiss goodbye. Who knew that'd be our last kiss ever. A few weeks ago I'd notice that Carlos would start getting flirty with Logan. At first I thought it was just my imagination getting the better of me, but then I noticed the blushing on Carlos's tan cheeks, Logan's shy smile and I knew.
They officially started dating two weeks ago, almost every night they'd stay out together, I got to see Carlos less and less. Ever since the break up, I started staring off into space a little more, losing focus at random times just thinking about him. His laughter would fill my ears when he wasn't around, I'd hear his cute little giggle out of nowhere, imagine his beautiful chocolate brown eyes. As the days went by it slowly got worse.
A little pain had started swelling deep inside from somewhere. I knew I loved him, I had known I loved him for a long time. And now it had started settling in on how much I miss him. As the pain grew, so did the insecurities that were settled deep inside. I'd stand infront of the mirror on my side of the room and point out flaws. I'd see one tooth wasn't as straight as the others, one spot of my hair stuck out. My eyes were too far apart and one was bigger then the other. I thought I was too tall and I was too thick. I started going the gym more than usual, working out harder and harder.
Every song reminded me of him...of us. How perfect things were, how great life was, how we said we couldn't live without each other.
I kept waiting for him to come back, that he'd realize how great our lives were. Then when I saw the flirting things got worse. I had confronted him and asked him what was going on, he told me how he thought Logan liked him and how he thought he did too. I faked a smile and said, "well ok..." and left the apartment for the rest of the day.
That night I came home wet from the rain, and eyes read from the few tears I let fall. I took off my jacket and crashed on the couch waking up to an angry and worried Ms. Knight. Then a few days later, Logan finally asked Carlos on a date.
Before they left, I walked into Logan's room and looked him in the eyes and plainly said, "don't you ever dare to break his heart. He's too amazing and happy a person to ever be put down." He nodded his head and replied, "I won't."
Since that day I tried my best to finally get over him. I spent the whole day at the pool trying to flirt with guys or girls, wanting to get my mind off Carlos and maybe start a new relationship. Everytime I tried, it felt wrong and I finally gave up.
The more and more Logan and Carlos spent out together the more I spent locked up alone in my room. I had stolen a razor from Ms. Knight and had started crating thin cuts down my arm. I'd let them bleed out, locking myself in the bathroom connected to the room. I used sweaters to cover up my arms whenever I went out.
Living had become my biggest enemy, I didn't wanna deal with it anymore. I wanted to end it, I didn't want to suffer from the pain that became unbearable in moments.
Today all Carlos talked about was his date with Logan later on in the day. He was telling me that he had something to say to Logan that will change things. I realized at that moment, today was the day.
Carlos closed the door, walking down to the lobby to meet up with Logan. I solemnly got up and walked to my room, I pulled our the rope I had tied into a noose earlier in the day. I tied the end to the pipe that went through the middle of the ceiling and hung it a high level above the floor.
I walked over to the desk and got out an envelope and pen and paper. I uncapped the pen and neatly wrote, "I meant it when I said I couldn't live without you. You were the love of my life, and without you, I don't have life. I will always love you Carlos, even when I'm gone. That's something that will never change. Love, James."
I folded the sheet of paper and slipped it into the envelope. I kissed it lightly before setting it on Carlos's pillow. I walked over to my bed and stood on it, I grabbed the noose and put my head through it. I swallowed hard and let out a deep breath. "I love you Carlos," I said before taking steps off the bed and quickly strangling myself.
"I will always love you Carlos, even when I'm gone. That's something that will never change. Love, James."