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Nightmares
(Obi-Wan sprang out of his bedroom and did a couple laps around the apartment looking for his master before he realized that Qui-Gon was not there.)
Obi: Hello? Master? Anyone home? It's three in the morning. I need a hug. I just had a horrible nightmare. Please, someone. Why did we leave Obi alone like this? Not a good thing.
(He remembered that Qui-Gon and Master Bren had gone off to a late dinner the previous evening and the thought triggered his gag reflexes.)
Obi: Oh no he didn't! He didn't come home last night. He chose adult mush over me. How cruel is that? Master, that's just wrong. Look at me. Shaking all over. Beads of sweat trailing down my young face. Hyperventilating. Talking to myself. How can he leave me like this? I think the time has come to tell Master Yoda about Master Qui-Gon's failings as a teacher. This is out of hand. He should be here when I need a hug. And after THAT dream, I need several hugs.
(Without getting out of his sleep clothes, and not caring about the time, Obi-Wan marched out of the apartment and towards the quarters of Master Bren Anders. Once there, he pressed the door chime ten times, pounded on the door and yelled through it.)
Obi: MASTER! I know you are in there and more worried about adult mush than your own padawan. But I need you right now. If you wouldn't mind paying some attention to me, please. It would be much appreciated. You can do disgusting things at another time. MASTER! I NEED YOU! NOW!
(After several minutes, the door opened and a groggy and not very happy Qui-Gon appeared, followed closely by a groggy Bren. Qui-Gon looked down, grabbed the boy by the shirt and dragged him into the apartment.)
Qui: What is wrong, Obi-Wan? And why are you up this early? And why are you yelling through the halls? And WHY ARE YOU DRIVING ME INSANE ALREADY TODAY?
Obi: I had a nightmare, Master. A horrible one. I needed you to hug me afterwards and you weren't there. That is commonly referred to as padawan neglect. Now, hug me.
Qui: I am not hugging you right now. Do you have any idea what time it is? Most normal people are asleep at this hour. They don't wander the halls of the temple pounding on doors and yelling at their masters.
Obi: Unless they have reason to. Unless their masters are adult mushing with others and paying no attention to their students. Please hug me. I'm desperate.
Qui: No. Sit down on the couch before I kill you.
(Bren, who had been standing nearby, half awake, saw that Obi-Wan was shaking. She decided that someone needed to take pity on him.)
Bren: Come here, Obi-Wan. I'll hug you.
(A small smile and Obi-Wan threw himself at Bren, landing safely in her arms.)
Obi: Do you want to hear about my nightmare, Master Bren? It was so awful. I can remember every scary detail. I don't think I'll ever forget it.
Bren: Okay, lets sit on the couch and I'll hug you and you can tell me all about it. Qui-Gon, make us some imporessi. I need to wake up. I think this is going to be a long event.
Qui: What do you mean, me make you some imporessi? Why can't you do it?
Bren: Because I am comforting your apprentice. Would you like to come sit here and hug him while he spills his guts?
Qui: Nope.
Bren: I thought not.
Qui: Okay, fine. You want sugar in yours?
Bren: Lots.
Qui: Obi-Wan?
Obi: I can have sugar? You never let me have sugar. Yes, please.
Qui: No, you get yours black.
Bren: Pay no attention to him, Obi-Wan. Tell me all about your nightmare.
Obi: Well it started off with me in the desert. All alone. And I was old too. How'd I get so old? I don't I think aged very gracefully either. I spent my days talking to Jawas and ticking off Sand People. Then I met some whiny blonde haired kid who made me leave my home and go off on some adventure somewhere with Bigfoot and his arrogant pilot friend.
Bren: An adventure doesn't sound so bad.
Obi: Shhh, let me finish.
Bren: Sorry.
Obi: We were going to save some short girl with pastries on her head. I didn't know that pastries were wearable. I thought you were supposed to eat them.
Bren: You are. Go on.
Obi: I don't know what ever happened to Bigfoot and his friend, but the next thing I know I was in a saber fight with some guy dressed in a Halloween costume. He was wearing all black and had a mask on and breathed funny. Pouuuuuuuuuuu paaaaaaaa. Pouuuuuuuuuuu paaaaaaaa. Just like that. He kept calling me an old man. I think he was a master of evil, myself. So we started fighting. Master Bren, I fought like a girl! It was horrible. It was like I was playing golf. That's how pathetic my saber swings were. How embarrassing. I don't fight like girl, do I?
Bren: Wait...like a girl? Are you saying that I...
Obi: NO! Nononono. You fight like a Jedi. You can kick my master's butt any day in sparring. In fact you have, um...one, two...about twenty times now.
(Qui-Gon yelled in from the kitchen.)
Qui: That's eighteen times, thank you very much.
Obi: Details. Anyway, there I was in a girlie fight with breathing boy and then...and then...I LET HIM KILL ME! I raised up my saber and closed my eyes and let him KILL ME! HELLO? What's wrong with this picture? Why would I do that? Did the two-minute girlie fight wear me out? Or did I just lose complete control of my marbles?
Bren: Maybe...um...hmmm...
Obi: Maybe nothing. I just gave up. It was horrible. And after he killed me, I was nothing but a brown robe. Someone must have stolen my body, because it wasn't there. Where is the dignity? I can't believe I was in a girlie fight.
Bren: Is that when you woke up?
Obi: No, the worst part is to come.
(Qui-Gon brought the cups over and placed each on the table. He then took a seat in the chair across from the couch to listen.)
Bren: What happened next, Obi-Wan.
(The boy snuggled close to Bren as she took the warm mug of imporessi in her hand and sipped lightly.)
Obi: After I let myself die, I went to blue ghostie land. I didn't think it would be that bad. I would see all my friends again. My master. But it was not a fun time. I found Master Qui-Gon and tried to get him to hug me. Of course he said no. And do you know what he did after he rejected my mush? He had the nerve to critique my girlie fight! Saying how disappointed he was in me. And that he taught me better than that. There was no greeting. No hug. No, 'Padawan, I've missed you so much.' None of that. Just criticism. Is that not one of the cruelest things you've ever heard?
Bren: It sure is. (She glared at Qui-Gon as she replied.) But not unexpected.
Qui: What? I don't have any control over his dreams. And even if I did, you think I would venture inside of that head of his? I don't think so. Don't blame me for this.
Bren: What happened next, kid?
Obi: Well after Master Qui-Gon chewed me out for fighting like a girl, saying he had a reputation to maintain, I next remember being in some swamp. And you want to talk about smells? Whoa. This place smelled like Master Yoda's apartment.
Qui: The odor of the troll.
Obi: And then the next minute I looked up and who was there with me in blue ghostie land? Yup, the sith troll. He started babbling backwards about how no one ever wanted to watch his wedding holo and how he and Yaddle used to troll mush in the swamp. Not a pretty picture at all. And he kept following me around. Do you know how many times in that dream I had to hear that honeymoon story? To bad breathing boy wasn't there at that moment to kill me again. I would have begged him to.
Bren: Trolls are nasty things, kid.
Obi: Somehow I popped up next on this ice planet. It was nothing but cold, snow and ice. And the only thing I had was my robe! I was a blue ghostie. Blue ghosties get cold too, you know! Anyway, I said something about trolls to the whiny blond kid and then I was left to fight the cold alone with no one to talk to. I could have really used a hug at that point. Master. If for no other reason, than to keep the frost bite away. But, I expect too much.
Bren: Qui-Gon, Qui-Gon, Qui-Gon. Ignoring him again.
Qui: Please stop dragging me into this.
Obi: Next I ended up in some forest surrounded by a thousand little fur balls, with legs! They were helping the whiny blond guy and Bigfoot, throwing logs and things at people. Crazy stuff. Then I turned to my side and there he was again. Master Yoda. Still following me. And on the other side of me? Some guy I'd never seen before who just kept repeating, 'Luke, I am your fahthah!. I expected to find Master Qui-Gon there. Silly me. Everything went black after that. I can't believe I fought like a girl.
Bren: It's okay, kid. It's just a dream. Dreams rarely become reality. You know how you dream all the time that one day your master will learn to hug you? That hasn't come true, has it?
Obi: No.
Bren: I don't expect this one will either.
Qui: Why am I always the victim of your discussions?
Obi: Because while I was terrified beyond belief, you were NOT at home. You were more concerned with adult mush. As usual.
Qui: You know it takes two people for adult mush. How come you aren't all over your buddy there, yelling at her?
Obi: Because she is helping me now. And she is not my master. You should be there when I need you. Instead you are here, making sickening faces and calling Master Bren disgusting nicknames, and doing other things that I really don't want to think about.
Qui: Then why are you thinking about them?
Obi: Because you keep talking about it.
Qui: Me? I didn't bring the subject up.
Obi: But you're the one who always leaves me when I need you. And what do you leave for? Adult mush.
Bren: Okay, both of you cut it out. It's way to early in the morning to be engaged in one of your meaningless quarrels.
Qui: It's not meaningless, Bren.
Bren: Right. I forgot. This is how you two communicate. Qui-Gon, have you ever had a nightmare?
Qui: Of course I have.
Bren: And haven't I comforted you on occasion after the fact?
Qui: Yes.
Bren: So, do you see the connection here?
Qui: What connection?
Bren: I comforted you after a bad dream. Obi-Wan needed someone to comfort him after the same. So...
Qui: So you did just that. You comforted him like you did with me.
Bren: QUI-GON! Are you really that dense? That is not what I meant.
Qui: You are as confusing as Obi-Wan sometimes.
Bren: I meant, I comforted you as you should have comforted Obi-Wan.
Qui: Oh. That. But you did it for me. Thanks.
Bren: I wonder, I really wonder sometimes why I hang around with you.
Qui: You love me. I am irresistible.
Bren: No, that's not it. I think it's more that I feel sorry for you. And I know that someone has got to be there for Obi-Wan. Foolish of me to think that person might be his master.
Obi: Master Bren, you know him better than that.
Qui: You stay out of this. This is all your fault anyway.
Obi: Why? Because I had a nightmare? I didn't ask to have it. I didn't ask to engage in a girlie fight with breathing boy. And then have you criticize me for it.
Qui: That was not real, Obi-Wan. It was a dream.
Bren: So if tomorrow in sparring practice, he fights like girl, you wouldn't say anything about it?
Qui: No, that's not true. I've trained him better than that. And I have a reputation to maintain.
Obi: See! That is EXACTLY what he said in my dream! Not real, huh? I beg to differ with you, Master Qui-Gon Jinn.
(Qui-Gon dropped his head into his hands and shook it back and forth.)
Qui: I don't know about the rest of you, but I am still tired. And since it's now only four in the morning, I could use a couple more hours of sleep. I'm going home. Obi-Wan, let's go.
Obi: Will you hug me?
Qui: NO! Stop it. You just had a hug.
Obi: But not from you. Please? Just one.
Qui: Will you promise to be quiet and sleep for the rest of the morning?
Obi: Unless I have another nightmare.
Qui: Fair enough. And if you do, I'll just bring you back to see Bren.
(Obi-Wan shrugged his shoulders and ran at his master who was now standing near the door. He threw his arms around his chest and squeezed tight. Qui-Gon held his arms out, but had yet to actually return the embrace.)
Obi: Master, this is supposed to be a two-way street. You are supposed to wrap your arms around me.
Bren: No, kid. He's doing what is commonly known as an air hug. A hug without touching. Qui-Gon, you are sad. Hug that boy now, or no more adult mush. Ever.
Qui: It's always threats with you, isn't it?
Bren: It's the only way to get through the thick skull of yours. Hug him.
Qui: Okay. Okay. (Arms tightened around the smaller Jedi for a moment.) There.
Obi: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah. Thank you, Master. I needed that.
Qui: It's okay, Obi-Wan. I know that was a horrible nightmare you had. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you as I should have been. There to hug you and comfort you as a master should do for his apprentice. I do love you, Obi-Wan. And I do love your hugs.
(Obi-Wan immediately backed away from the hug.)
Obi: Huh? What in the name of the Force is wrong with you?
Qui: What? Oh, ah. Nothing. Lalalalala. Hug over? Good. Let's go home.
Obi: No, Master. Wait. You just said all that mushy stuff to me. What...
Qui: A weak moment. Pay no attention to that. Come on.
Bren: That was not a weak moment, Qui-Gon. You meant those words. I could tell. I could feel it.
Qui: I don't know what you are talking about. It's early. I'm not sure of everything that I am saying. Still a bit groggy. (He managed a fake yawn.) Need sleep. Let's move it, Obi-Wan.
(Managing a last glance towards Bren before they left, Obi-Wan's puzzled face looked to her for answers. She returned with a short smile and a wink. Obi-Wan's confusion turned to controlled joy and a huge smile spread across his face. Then he hurried out the door to catch up with his master.)
Obi: Master, did you really mean what you said when you hugged me? You really do love me?
Qui: Pay no attention to what I said. I don't know what happened to me.
Obi: I do. The power of mush got you. It's the only thing in this galaxy that is stronger than the power of Lima.
Qui: No, it wasn't that. I think maybe it was a disturbance in the Force or something. Yes. That's what it was. Let's not talk about it anymore. We have sleep to catch up on.
Obi: My master loves me!
Qui: Quiet. Don't say things like that in the hallway.
Obi: I know. You have a reputation to maintain. Blah blah blah.
(Obi-Wan slept for several hours once the pair got home. It wasn't until there was a chime at the door that he woke. He looked for his master on the way to the door, finding only a note from him saying that he'd meet him in the sparring gym in several hours. Gone again.)
Obi: The man has problems. (He opened the door and looked down.) Oh, um...hi, Master Yoda. My master is not here right now. Please leave a message at the beep.
Yoda: Disappointed I am. Come back later, I will.
(Yoda began his waddle down the hall. Obi-Wan sprinted into his room to get changed into his workout clothes and then caught up with the troll.)
Yoda: What need you, Kenobi?
Obi: I just thought I would walk and talk with you, Master Yoda. My master is...um...busy. So, I'm on my own this morning.
Yoda: Irresponsible your master is. Leave you alone he should not. Dangerous you can be.
Obi: Boy, do I know it. Do you know what he did last night? I woke up with a nightmare and he was nowhere to be found. I found him in Master Bren's apartment. I was shaking and scared and in desperate need of a hug, and he was elsewhere. Elusive.
Yoda: A bad master he is. Perhaps a new one for you I should find.
Obi: Nah. He and I get along. He can be odd sometimes though. I mean, when he stands in front of the mirror doing his sexy Qui dance in his light saber boxers. Singing into his hairbrush. He always does that before a date with Master Bren. I even saw him strutting around the room one time in time with the music. He thought I was sleeping and doesn't know that I took a couple holos of that evening.
Yoda: Sing myself I do. Adores it does Yaddle. Love me she does.
Obi: No troll mush talk. Let's not go there. Have you ever been to the shopping plaza with my master? He knows all the ladies at the salon there. They call him sweet, disgusting nicknames and play with his hair. Then they giggled. Do you know what else he does? He...
(Obi-Wan continued his ramblings as the pair wandered through the temple halls. Yoda made several attempts to escape, but each time he did, Obi-Wan would begin a new conversation about his master.)
Obi: And then this morning he told me that he loved me, but then denied it immediately afterwards. Saying it was a disturbance in the Force. He's so funny. I think his curlers have been wrapped to tight lately though. He got new blue ones. So I told him to throw out those old pink ones. I don't know what it is about the color pink, but it made my eyes an squinty to look at them. Someone told me when I squinted like that I look just like Barbra Novack. I don't know who she is though. Do you?
Yoda: Stop talking you will.
Obi: But I like talking to you, Master Yoda. I don't get to talk to trolls very often. Much less the king sith troll.
Yoda: Sith troll you call me?
Obi: It's my master's nickname for you when he's really upset. Sometimes when he comes back from a meeting with the council, his face is all red, his hair tangled and he'll say, 'that damn sith troll, who does he think he is?' Then he storms off into the kitchen to get a bea. He's not a drinker normally. But there's something about his meetings with the council that really sets him off. I try to hug him when he comes back, but you know how he feels about that.
Yoda: Hug him I will next time.
Obi: No, please don't do that. Trolls and humans should not hug. Even I, a mush obsessed padawan, knows that. And I would never hug a troll. No way.
Yoda: Go away you will.
Obi: Not until I find Master Qui-Gon. I shouldn't be roaming the temple alone. Do you know what Master Bren calls my master when they want to be disgusting? Names like Qui-poo. Teddy Jeddy. Stud Muffin. Sweet Knees. Gah. It's enough to make me lose my lunch. I always make sure I don't eat if I know they are gonna be together. It's safer that way.
Yoda: Call me Snookums, Yaddle does.
Obi: One thing more disgusting that human adult mush is troll mush. Did you know that my master get embarrassed when I tell them that I love him? Then he tries to hide from me. Did you know that he likes to talk about Master Windu behind his back? He laughs at his bald head and purple speeders. Did you know that he's scared of Master Adi and think that she looks like Medusa? Did you know...
Yoda: SHUT UP YOU WILL! Hear more about your master, I do not wish. Insane he has become. Insane you are. Go away now.
Obi: Where are you going, Master Yoda? We've been wandering the halls for a while now. Do you like to wander like this? Are you trying to find Yaddle?
(Before Yoda could reply, a baritone voice sounded from behind them.)
Qui: Obi-Wan Kenobi!
Yoda: Using your full name he is. In trouble now, you are.
Qui: Obi-Wan, what have I told you about disturbing the council members? And what is this I hear about you babbling information about me all over the temple?
Obi: I haven't babbled to anyone except Master Yoda.
Qui: Well you must have been loud enough so that every Jedi you passed by could hear you. I was asked by four different people about my boxers, curlers, dance skills and my mushy nicknames. How would anyone know anything about that if it didn't come out of your mouth? I certainly didn't tell them.
Obi: They shouldn't have been eavesdropping then. Nothing worse than a nosy Jedi.
Qui: You're one to be talking about being nosy. And you should learn to keep your trap shut.
Yoda: Sith troll I am not, Qui-Gon Jinn.
Qui: OBI-WAN!
Yoda: Stud Muffin you are not.
Qui: Damn it, Obi-Wan!
Yoda: Sexy you are not. Annoying your padawan is. Stop following me he will. See Nev I must. Contaminated my mind now is.
Qui: I am very sorry he's bothered you, Master Yoda. It won't happen again.
Yoda: Stressed out I am.
Obi: The veins on your neck pop out just like Master Qui...
(Qui-Gon wrapped a hand around Obi-Wan's head and slapped it over his mouth.)
Qui: Not another word. We have things to do. Padawan. Walk quickly and quietly to your right and get on the lift. Do not stop until I say so. Nod once if you understand.
(The boy nodded once and began the short sprint to the lift at the end of the hall.)
Qui: Master Yoda, we are sorry to have disturbed your morning. Good day.
Yoda: Good day it is not. Breakfast date with Yaddle I had. Ruined it did your apprentice. Good riddance to you.
(He waddled off mumbling to himself about loud mouth padawans and incompetent masters.)
(Arriving in the dining hall, Qui-Gon kept a close eye on his apprentice. Watching and waiting for anything to come out of his mouth.)
Qui: Do you think you can keep your mouth under control while we eat?
Obi: Yes, Master.
Qui: Is that a lie?
Obi: Yes, Master.
Qui: At least try. Okay?
Obi: Yes, Master.
Qui: Can you say anything else?
Obi: Yes, Master.
Qui: Obi-Wan, cut that out.
Obi: Yes, Master.
Qui: STOP IT!
Obi: Sorry. But you told me to keep my mouth under control.
Qui: Yes I did, but now you're being monotonous.
Obi: Make up your mind, Master. I can't babble, because it makes you mad. I can't say 'yes, Master' because it makes you mad. You're sending me mixed signals.
Qui: How about, don't say anything that might embarrass me while we are here. Better yet. Don't say anything about me at all.
Obi: Okay. But I like talking about you, Master. It makes me proud to have you as my master. And to know that you picked ME as your padawan when there were so many others to chose from.
Qui: I will be paying for my mistake for years to come.
Obi: You really mean that?
Qui: No, I don't. I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. That was mean.
Obi: You're damn right it was.
Qui: Excuse me?
Obi: Sorry. Hug me to make me feel better?
Qui: Not in public.
Obi: Later?
Qui: Maybe.
Obi: I'll take that. Hey, there's Mr. Nev and his blond bimbo friend.
Qui: Obi-Wan, please don't call her that. She has a name.
Obi: Yeah, a mushy name. Master G'mee Hugg. But she doesn't live up to it. Can I go talk to Mr. Nev?
Qui: No. Because you'll just run your lips for an hour. They are probably here to eat, not to be harassed.
Obi: Can I go see Master Brazo? He's over there with Mari. But...oh no. They're making sickening faces at each other again. I bet disgusting nicknames are flying too. Even in the dining hall, I can't escape the wrath of adult mush. Maybe I should just venture out in public with a bag over my head so I won't have to see this.
Qui: No. I can't have other Jedi seeing my apprentice like that. I have...
Obi: I know. You have a reputation to maintain. That's an old line, Master. You need to be inventive and try out new phrases.
Qui: And new padawans.
Obi: Where is Master Bren?
Qui: I have no idea. Do I look like her keeper?
Obi: But you were with her this morning.
Qui: I was not.
Obi: Where were you when I woke up? I figured you'd be doing the adult mush thing again.
Qui: Obi-Wan, you have a strange obsession with that. Just because I am not in our quarters does not mean I am off with Bren doing...WHY am I discussing this with you? It's none of your business anyway.
Obi: Then stop talking about it.
Qui: I tried to. But you keep bringing it up.
Obi: Do not.
Qui: Do so.
Obi: Do not.
Qui: Do so.
Bren: Glad to see I can leave you two alone for a while and you get along just fine. Another of your mature conversations I can tell.
(Bren had walked up behind them, quickly bringing them to silence.)
Qui: He started it.
Obi: Did not.
Qui: Did to.
Bren: Boys, please. It doesn't matter who started it. As is the case with all of your arguments. But this one, I am finishing. Now, Qui-Gon. Where were you this morning? I thought we had a date for breakfast?
Obi: I KNEW it! I knew you had adult mush planned.
Bren: BREAKFAST, Obi. FOOD. Get your mind out of the gutter. So, Stretch, why'd you stand me up?
Qui: I was uh...busy.
Bren: Busy? With who?
Qui: No one. Just busy.
Obi: Master Bren, when I found him, or actually, when he found me, he was a mess. Hair mussed up and bags under his eyes.
Bren: Another woman? QUI-GON JINN! I will wring your scrawny little neck! How dare you cheat on me. Another Tahl huh? Who is it this time?
Qui: Would you cut it out. I am not cheating on you. I'd fear for my life if I ever did that. You're as bad as Obi-Wan sometimes.
Bren: Then where were you? I'm waiting. I will find out, so it would be better if you just told me up front.
Qui: Do I have to tell you everything that I do in my life? Aren't I allowed to have some privacy?
Bren: Not when there's a chance that I might have to kill you for cheating on me.
Obi: Spill it, Master. You'll feel better.
Qui: You stay out of this.
Bren: Well? Are you going to tell me or do I have to resort to violence?
Obi: Actually if you just take away his imporessi, it has the same affect.
Qui: Obi-Wan!
Bren: Five seconds. Four. Three. Two...
Qui: Okay. Okay. Force. I don't need this stress in my life. From either of you. If you must know, I was visiting with Nev this morning.
Bren: You had breakfast with Nev instead of me? Oh, I'm not good enough now, huh? I see. You have to hang out with one of your guy friends.
Obi: Master, I'd never choose Mr. Nev over Master Bren. I mean it's not even a contest.
Bren: Thank you, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Hug?
Bren: Sure.
Qui: STOP IT! Don't hug him for that. He's just sucking up to you. And you keep falling for it.
Bren: Excuse me?
Qui: Never mind. I was with Nev for a counseling session if you must know.
Bren: Counseling? You? No way. Really?
Qui: Yes, really.
Bren: Are you having problems that Obi-Wan and I can help you with?
Qui: No, you both ARE the problems. He drives me insane and you support his efforts! I can't take it anymore. Did Obi-Wan tell you what he was doing today? No, I don't suppose he did. He was babbling all my private and personal information to Yoda. My curlers. Boxers.
Obi: Your sexy Qui dance.
Qui: My dance. And not only did he tell Yoda, but he was babbling so loud, every Jedi within fifty yards heard him. So by now, the entire temple knows about my private life. Everywhere I go, I'll hear snickers of laughter now. Eyes watching me all the time. Padawans giggling as I walk by. Nev has been and will be helping me to deal with my stress.
Obi: Master, you and I can have our sessions together! What a great idea for bonding.
Qui: NO! And if you tell a single soul that I am seeing Nev, I will make sure that no one on this planet ever hugs you again. Do you understand?
Obi: That's a bit harsh.
Qui: But necessary.
Bren: I'll still hug you, Obi.
Qui: See? That is exactly what I mean. Stop encouraging him. I say one thing and you do the opposite.
Bren: He needs someone to love him.
Qui: No, he needs firm training. If it was up to me, there would be no hugs, ever.
Obi: None? Ever? That is beyond cruel, Master.
Qui: Well, okay. It was a bit much, wasn't it? How about no hugs during training sessions?
Obi: Better, but still evil.
Bren: So what did you confess to Nev?
Qui: I told him all my feelings and problems. It's funny that the words 'padawan' and 'problems' both start with the letter, 'p', isn't it?
Bren: So does pathetic.
Qui: I am not a pathetic life form. But I am working my way there.
Obi: Did you ask Mr. Nev about me? How I was doing in my sessions?
Qui: No. I was not there to say good things about you. I was there to complain about you.
Obi: You always do that.
Bren: It's a hobby of his, kid. Did this time with Nev help you?
Qui: I'm not sure. We never got a chance to finish it. Halfway through, he put his hands over his ears, got up from his desk, said 'lalalala' and walked into another room. He didn't' come back so I assumed our session was over.
Obi: He does that to me allllllll the time.
Bren: Did you get anything out of this before Nev ran out on you?
Qui: He didn't run out on me. He just has an odd way of concluding his counseling sessions.
Bren: Yeah. You keep believing that.
Qui: I didn't feel refreshed after that if that's what you are asking. I felt worn and exhausted. It's kind of like what I feel like when I go to bed at night after dealing with Obi-Wan all day.
Bren: Hmmm, maybe the kid has a good idea. Maybe the two of you should go in together. That way you can bounce things off each other and Nev can see what things are really like between you.
Obi: Come on, Master. Please?
Qui: Do I have to hug you?
Obi: Um...no?
Qui: Right. I'll do it if Bren comes along.
Bren: What? You're joking, right? I spend my life breaking things up between you. Why would I want to be stuck in the middle of your rant sessions?
Qui: Because you love me. And because you always tell me that someone needs to be on Obi-Wan's side. So you can be there in support of us both.
Bren: And then need a separate appointment with Nev for myself after the fact?
Qui: Think of all the good you'll be doing. Obi-Wan and I might even come out of this with our sanity intact.
Bren: Fat chance of that happening. Okay. I'll do it. If for no other reason than to keep you from killing each other. And someone has to protect Nev. The poor thing has no idea what's about to happen. An innocent victim.
Obi: We should go now.
Bren: No, let me call Nev and have him set up a time. The least you can do is let the man have some time to prepare for his final day of sanity. Once I find out when is a good time for him, I'll call you. Now, you guys probably have some training to do or trolls to harass or something. Catch ya later.
(That evening, Qui-Gon was interrupted from his reading by chirp of his comm link.)
Qui: Qui-Gon Jinn.
Bren: Guess who, Sweet Knees?
Qui: Shhh. Obi-Wan's not asleep yet.
Bren: Sorry. I talked to Nev. He didn't seem all that enthused about the three of us coming to see him at one time. I had to bribe him.
Qui: With what?
Bren: An entire month, Obi-Wan free.
Qui: There goes my hour of quiet time each week.
Bren: It's the only thing he'd go for. Tomorrow at noon. Meet in Nev's office. Okay?
Qui: Got it.
Bren: Good. Now, how about you and I...
Qui: I need my rest. Tomorrow is going to test me. Rain check?
Bren: Good point. Sure thing. Night night, Qui-Poo.
(The following day, Qui-Gon was attempting to meditate before their noon counseling session with Nev. Obi-Wan had resorted to buzzing around the apartment trying to expel his energy. He'd been forbidden by his master to have any sugar or sugar related products until after the meeting.)
Obi: Master, is it time yet?
Qui: You know where the chrono is. And you know how to tell time. You figure it out. I am trying to meditate.
Obi: Why didn't we go to sparring practice today?
Qui: Because it only serves to make you wired. I can't deal with that today. We'll spar before dinner.
Obi: Can we go now?
Qui: No. We still have thirty minutes. Let's not intrude on Nev's last moments of peace before our time.
Obi: I like Mr. Nev. He's a funny guy.
Qui: I'm not sure how he feels about you.
Obi: He's a closet Obi fan. I just know it.
Qui: Okay, come on. We'll walk slowly. It's obvious that I'm not going to be able to reach the level of meditation that I would like.
Obi: Do you think Mr. Nev wants to hear about my girlie fight?
Qui: Why don't you tell him anything your heart desires. Give him everything you've got to give.
Obi: I can even tell him about your light saber boxers and disgusting adult mush nicknames?
Qui: No, don't tell him that. Tell him things about you. No need for him to know about my private life.
Obi: But that's what he wants to know. He says it helps him get into the head of a patient.
Qui: My underwear has no bearing on anything. Nev does not need to know such things.
Obi: Don't be embarrassed, Master. Lots of Jedi wear boxers. Even non-Jedi do. I mean look at Senator Ovaltine. No wait...don't do that. Nightmares. Talk about cheeken legs. Sheesh.
Qui: Let's go before I change my mind.
(Qui-Gon got up and pushed Obi-Wan to and then out of the door. They began the slow walk to Nev's office.)
Obi: Home away from home, this is. I could find this place with my eyes closed. You can't have my couch, Master. You'll have to sit in a chair or something. The couch is mine!
Qui: Just go inside.
(Bren was already there as they wandered in and took a seat in the waiting room.)
Bren: Hi boys. Nev said he'd be a few minutes and then he'll call for us. I think he's setting up an escape route incase he needs to make a sudden getaway. Good move.
Obi: I know all his escape routes. Sometimes he hides in his closet until I get bored enough that I just leave.
Bren: This should be...entertaining.
(Nev welcomed them back to his office. Each Jedi took a seat. Obi-Wan claimed the couch immediately. In his hand, Nev had a small round object that Bren identified immediately as a stress squeeze ball. He was preparing for the worst.)
Nev: So, how has everyone been?
Qui: Stressed.
Obi: Mushless.
Bren: Busy trying to keep them from killing each other.
Nev: Ah, things are perfectly normal then.
Bren: Yup.
Nev: I know I'll regret taking this meeting any further than this, but here goes nothing. Qui-Gon. You first. Tell Obi-Wan the things that he does that really irritate you.
Qui: Hugging. Talking. Hyperactivity. Lunacy. Breathing. Consciousness.
Nev: Okay. And Obi-Wan, how about you?
Obi: He won't hug me.
Nev: That's it?
Obi: Yes.
Nev: That's all you want is for him to hug you?
Obi: Yes.
Nev: Qui-Gon?
Qui: If I hug him, he'll just demand more hugs. And if I don't hug him when he demands it, he'll go off and spout all my private information to anyone who will listen. Even a troll!
Obi: At least someone cares about me enough to listen to me talk.
Qui: He does not care about you. He was trying to escape you. But you just kept on yappin'. Telling him all about my curlers and my boxers. My nicknames and my dance. Everything!
Nev: Obi-Wan, first of all, why are you hanging around with council members?
Obi: I needed to talk. Master Yoda was available.
Nev: Don't you find it uncomfortable talking to members of the council about personal things?
Qui: They were MY personal things. Not his.
Obi: I live in the same apartment as you. We are teacher and student. Master and padawan. Father and son. What's yours is mine.
Qui: Father and son? I never signed up for that one.
Obi: Master Qui-Gon, do you take Obi-Wan Kenobi to be your padawan? I do. Signed, stamped and delivered.
Nev: Back to the point. You and the council, Obi-Wan.
Obi: They are freaky, don't get me wrong. Medusa. Conehead. Hairless man. Sith troll. The guy who looks like a giant Schnauzer. Poofy. He's the only one I can't talk to. And do you know why? He doesn't listen. He just mocks me as I talk. I can ramble on about anything, and his head just goes back and forth. Baaaaaack and forrrrrrrrth. I told him once about my masters disgusting nicknames, and he started mocking me faster. In fact, every time I say the name Master Qui-Gon, Mr. Poofy's mocking speeds up. Like just the mention of that name makes him mad. I don't know why he would hate my master. I think Mr. Poof just needs a hug. That's all.
Nev: Have you offered to hug him?
Obi: Are you nuts? I am NOT hugging that thing.
Bren: But he has four arms, kid. Imagine what a four-armed hug would feel like.
(Obi-Wan got a far away look in his eyes and slid right off the couch onto the floor.)
Qui: Thank you, Bren. That's exactly what I've been trying to avoid. Obi-Wan, get off the floor please. NOW!
Obi: Huh? Who? Oh wow. Four arms. You know, Padawan Kalis has a master with four arms. I should ask...
Qui: NO! No. No. No. No. No. NO! You are not going to harass other masters with this mush obsession. If you can't let me live in peace, please let them. Spare them your wrath.
Obi: You care about their well being more than mine. You should want me to be happy.
Qui: You are happy. All the time. That's part of the problem. No one should be THAT happy. Tell him, Nev.
Nev: You want me to tell someone not to be happy? That's kind of the opposite of what I like to get out of my sessions.
Qui: Well, your sessions are doing nothing for my padawan. You keep raising your prices and I keep getting the same result.
Nev: Blame the council for that one. Qui-Gon, why don't you tell me more about the things Obi-Wan does that irks you.
Qui: I think you've seen a demonstration of all of that in the short time we've been here today. Just...listen to him. You can't shut him up. You can't shut him out. Do you know how many different types of ear plugs I have tried just to get a little quiet?
Nev: So, he talks and he hugs.
Qui: Obsessively.
Obi: Master, you do things that irritate me too.
Nev: Okay, Obi-Wan, what goes Qui-Gon do that bothers you so much?
Obi: No hugs.
Nev: We've established that. What else?
Obi: He hogs the bathroom. He makes me eat the poor excuse for food that he cooks every night. He sings in the shower. He tells me to 'shut up, Obi-Wan,' at least fifty times a day. He won't let me hug anyone else. He makes me go with him to the council chambers when he's in trouble. He won't let me borrow his light saber boxers. He won't let me curl his hair for him. He's more obsessed with adult mush than he is with me. He doesn't comfort me when I have girlie fight nightmares. He won't let me watch Lima holos before bedtime. He won't...
Nev: I think that's enough for now.
Obi: But, I'm not finished yet.
Nev: I know, but I don't have all day. I do have other appointments that I need to keep. Other patients.
Obi: Oh yeah, your blond bimbo friend. Looks like I've lost you to the world of adult mush too.
Nev: Blond bimbo?
Bren: Uh, let's move on. Shall we, Nev?
Nev: Yes. Bren, what part do you play in all of this?
Bren: I am the referee. The peacekeeper. Ms. Neutral. My job is to keep Qui-Gon from killing the boy. And to also keep the boy from driving his master to Happy Valley.
Obi: She is GOOD. She hugs me and watches Lima holos with me. And she tells me that she loves me. And she never yells at me.
Bren: He's really a good kid. You just have to know how to handle him.
Nev: And Qui-Gon, you have yet to figure out just how to go about doing that?
Qui: I train him. That is my job.
Obi: Mr. Emotionless. Or he likes everyone to think that. But in reality, he does love me. He said so yesterday. But then three seconds later he pretended like it never happened. My master fears emotion. Isn't that sad?
Qui: I do not fear emotion. I just have to contain myself around you or you'll go off the wall. What am I saying, you're off the wall no matter what I do.
Obi: I love you.
Qui: Stop it. See what I mean? See what he does?
Nev: What did he do? He said he loved you. Is there a problem with that?
Qui: It always leads to hugs with him. He thinks that a few words will soften me up and then he can attack my brain and wear me down. Then I'll give in and hug him.
Nev: He didn't say anything about a hug.
Qui: Not yet.
Nev: Well, if he did ask for a hug, what would you do?
Obi: He'd say NO about a hundred times and then walk away from me. Won't hug me, but he'll slobber all over Master Bren's face.
Qui: Obi-Wan!
Obi: It's true, Master. You prefer her over me. Adult mush rules you.
Nev: Qui-Gon?
Qui: Another one of his obsessions.
Nev: So, Obi-Wan likes to hug and talk. Qui-Gon does not. That's about where we are.
Obi: I had a nightmare and he didn't comfort me. He wasn't even in the apartment. I really needed comforting and he left me alone. To fend for myself.
Nev: This is the girlie fight nightmare that you mentioned?
Obi: Yes, it was horrible. I fought like a girl and then my dead master chewed me out for it. I didn't know that blue ghosties could be so cruel. This dream was awful. It had everything. Bigfoots. Whiny blond guys. Crazy breathing boy. Aliens with hammerheads. Small annoying droids that beep constantly. Weak looking light sabers. Me in my Solid Gold dance costume. Horrible dialogue. Cheesy lines. Some poofy-haired guy who always wears plaid. Sith boys making goo goo eyes at cinny bon headed chicks. Fuzzy little bear looking creatures. Big frozen snow monsters. Rickety old space ships without bathrooms. Blue ghostie sith trolls. The only thing missing from this nightmare was a clown. I don't understand Mr. Nev. Why wouldn't my master hug me after this? Can't you see how frightening it could have been for a young guy like me?
Qui: You are thirteen. At that age, you should be over this, 'I need a hug from my master every time I have a bad dream' stage. When you are twenty-five and still a padawan, do you think anyone will even consider hugging you if you have a nightmare then? No. I think not.
Bren: Still a padawan at twenty-five? Come on, kid. You can do better than that.
Obi: You know why I'll still be a padawan at that age? Because my master spends so much time avoiding me that I don't get any training in. So it takes me that long to learn everything that I need to.
Qui: I don't avoid you. You drive me away. And it has less to do with me than with you. I try to train you. Every day we go through this. But all you are concerned about is where your next hug is coming from. That and yapping to anyone who will listen about my adult mush habits.
Obi: If you would have not waited until I was thirteen to take me as an apprentice, maybe we could have gotten a jumpstart on training. But no, you had to wait and wait and wait. And then finally when you say yes to me, you don't really mean it. You are forced to take me as your padawan by the sith troll. He made you do it. And you can't say no to him. If you do, he'll talk down to you and backwards, until you are blue in the face. So now you resent him for that. And you resent me for needing a master to train me. And you resent my requests for mush.
Qui: I had no choice but to take you as my padawan, even without the trolls help. You'd been following me around the temple for two years before then asking me to hug you. You said you were evaluating the hug ability of masters so you could be sure you chose the right one for your training.
Bren: Awww, kid, that's cute.
Obi: This is serious stuff, Master Bren. I obviously chose wrong. You never did hug me. Why did I waste my time? See what I ended up with? Everyone said how great it would be to be the padawan of Qui-Gon Jinn. How well respected you were. None of those people every tried to hug you, did they? Their opinion of you might have changed had they attempted that.
Qui: I am well respected because of my Jedi abilities. Not because of the way I hug. They don't test Jedi on hug capabilities.
Obi: Good thing too, because you'd fail big time.
Nev: Okay, STOP! Please. Just stop. Both of you. I'm beginning to feel a bit light-headed. I think maybe this was a mistake to have the both of you in one session. I...um...
Bren: Need a valium?
Nev: Yes. That is just what I need right now. Bring myself down a bit...um...
Obi: You need the Chancellor? Why? He can't help us. I meet him once though. Nice guy. Have you seen his eyes? Those thing are dangerous. I almost fell over when I met him. He's got a big responsibility too. Can you imagine trying to keep the entire galaxy safe? My master and I saw him at the shopping plaza once. He was...
Nev: What are you talking about?
Obi: The Chancellor! Chancellor Valium. Mr. Nev if you don't have any idea who the current chancellor is, you need to get out more. And watch the news once in a while. Stop spending so much time with your blond bimbo friend.
Nev: What? Huh? Who? STOP! Someone please explain to me what he's babbling about.
Bren: Kid, it's Chancellor VALORUM. Remember? You always get his name confused with valium, which is a drug to help people sleep. That's what Nev wants right now. He's not talking about the chancellor.
Obi: Oooooh, okay. That makes much more sense. I was beginning to wonder about his mental capacity there for a minute. I mean, how did he become a mind healer if he can't even remember the name of the chancellor. How could anyone forget those eyes!
Bren: He does have some mesmerizing eyes, doesn't he? The first time I met him, I just babbled, because the eyes grabbed me. It's like you can see right through them. They look at you and you can't look away. They are so blue...
Qui: Uh, excuse me. Remember me? Over here? I have some nice eyes too.
Bren: Huh? Oh, Qui-Gon. Right. Sorry. Where was I?
Obi: We were talking about drugs and chancellors.
Nev: I think we've strayed from the point here. What does any of this have to do with the two of you learning to get along better?
Qui: This shows you what his problem is and why I can't deal with it.
Obi: My problem? There are two sides to this. We are both contributing members. If you would just hug me...
Qui: Hugging you will not shut you up. It will only make you talk more. Because then you will critique the hug. Spend hours telling me what I did wrong and how to improve it the next time.
Obi: You have to admit, Master. You are not a very good hugger.
Qui: Not to mention, if I hugged you, you'd get all happy and go around telling the entire temple that I hugged you. Then everyone would expect a different Qui-Gon. They would all want hugs from me. I am NOT going to hug every Jedi in the temple. Especially not that annoying little troll. You can't make me do it, so don't even try! I am NOT hugging a troll.
Obi: I didn't ask you to hug a troll. Even I won't go there. I asked you to hug ME!
Qui: A padawan hug leads to a troll hug. Sorry, I just can't do it.
Bren: Padawan leads to troll...interesting logic.
Obi: Are you calling me a troll? Do I look short and green to you?
Qui: No, but you are mouthy, just like a troll.
Obi: You're just mad at him because he made you train me. You've held that grudge ever since I became your padawan. And you take it out on me.
Qui: I know you were behind all of this. You influenced the sith troll. And I ended up with an insane student, instead of a nice, calm, relaxed one. So therefore, you are the reason that I am no longer in control of my mental capacities.
Obi: Is it my fault that you can't control a thirteen year old boy? How did you ever become a master if you can't control a kid?
Qui: You are not a kid. You are a monster!
Nev: That's it. I have no idea what is going on here. But it's obvious that you both need more help than I can give you. I am completely lost. And I need a break. No, I need to get away from you. This is like my worst nightmare come to life. Please get out of my office.
Obi: I know all about nightmares. And how they don't lead to mush.
Bren: Nev, are you okay? You're shaking all over. And sweating. You look very pale. Maybe we should take you to the healers.
Nev: NO! Don't touch me. All of you just back away. You are just as loony as they are because you go along with them and understand them. How can anyone understand them? How can anyone STAND them? You're either very strong or very insane for dealing with them. I would assume the latter. Please, all of you go away now. I need to go hide in my closet, sit the corner and cry for a while. Go away now. Go on. Go away. Shoo! Be gone! Poof!
(Obi-Wan shot up from the couch. Light saber blazing.)
Obi: Poofy? He's here? Where? Don't you let him come near my master and mock him to death. I won't stand for it.
Nev: No, you fool! GO AWAY! NOW! What part of that don't you understand? GET OUT OF MY OFFICE! Take your yappy mouth and your hug obsession and go away.
Qui: See what you've done, Obi-Wan?
Nev: And you, Master Jinn, take your grumpy, non-mushy self out of here as well.
Obi: I told you that you were unmushy, Master.
Nev: Unmushy is not a word. But GET OUT is!
Obi: Actually, Mr. Nev, that is two words...
Nev: STOP IT! JUST STOP TALKING!
Qui: I told you so. He can't shut up. His mouth just runs and runs.
Nev: And you continue to feed it. Do you three not understand what GET OUT means? It means leave. Vanish. Go away.
Obi: POOF!
Nev: That's it. I've had it. Please go away. All of you. I am begging you. Don't you see how this is affecting me? Spare me any more torture. I don't like angst. Never have. Never will.
Obi: Angst leads to mush. Well, in a normal master-padawan relationship it does. In this one angst just leads to a lot of yelling. Why don't you like angst, Mr. Nev? I can hug you after you've had some. I don't mind. I love to hug.
(That was it for Nev. He sprung from the chair, put his hands over his ears, and began walking in circles.)
Nev: Lalalala. I don't hear you. Lalalala. No one is here but me. Lalalala. All alone. Lalalala. Don't hear you. Lalalala.
(After several more laps around the desk, Obi-Wan approached him.)
Obi: Are you okay? Come here, let Obi hug you and make it all better.
Nev: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SOME BODY HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(And he ran screaming from the room. The trio left behind stood together watching the door that Nev had just sprinted through.)
Qui: I take that to mean that our session is over for today.
Bren: For today and for the rest of your lives probably. Poor Nev. He never really had a chance. He was a good man too.
Obi: But what about my counseling session next week?
Bren: Let's give him a month or so to regain his sanity. I think this was indeed his worst nightmare come to life. We'll work on getting you back in to see him in a few weeks. So, boys. Did we accomplish anything here today other than driving Nev to loonyville?
Qui: Yes, we learned that being a Jedi is not about hugs.
Obi: I beg to differ with you, Master. Hugs are what it's all about.
Qui: Training is what it's all about. Which is something that you need to focus on.
Obi: After you hug me.
Qui: Obi-Wan...
Bren: Okay, enough. Let's call a truce on this for today. Qui-Gon, hug him.
Qui: And who do you think you are? I take orders from just one person. Me.
Bren: It's a wonder you're still around.
Obi: Why does that sound so familiar? I think that was in my nightmare. I am picturing a short woman with pastries on her head being followed by a giant walking carpet that looks just like Bigfoot.
Bren: Obi-Wan, shut up.
Obi: Yes, ma'am.
Qui: How did you do that?
Bren: Magic. Hug him. Now.
Qui: After all he's done today? Telling my secrets? Talking back to me? Driving Yoda and Nev insane? Does any of that warrant a hug?
Bren: On a normal day, no. But we need to settle things down and try and pretend we are Jedi for a while. The only way that is going to happen is if you two stop fighting and get some training done. Now, hug him and lets get to work.
Obi: I'm waiting, Master.
Qui: I will never win this war, will I?
Bren: Not while I'm around, Stretch.
(Qui-Gon moved to Obi-Wan and wrapped him in a warm embrace. Obi-Wan slid right through his arms and onto the floor.)
Bren: This wouldn't happen if you hugged him more often, Qui-Gon. He's not used to this. Obi-Wan?
Obi: Huh? Who? Wha? What happened? (He was helped up off the floor by Bren.)
Qui: Let's try this again. Obi-Wan, please stay vertical this time.
Obi: You are gonna hug me AGAIN? (Bren caught him just before he fell over from shock.)
Bren: Not if you can't stay upright. Come on, kid. This is your chance to get a hug and return it. Stop fainting.
(Obi-wan was once again drawn into a hug. This time, he latched onto his master.)
Obi: Aaaaaah. This is nice. Now, Master, tell me that you love me like the son you never had.
Qui: Let's not get carried away. I am hugging you. That should be sufficient.
Bren: Just tell him that you love him. Stop being so pathetic. There's no one else in this office. Just us three. I won't tell anyone. Your reputation will remain intact.
Qui: In that case. I love you, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Honest? You're not just saying that because Master Bren is forcing you to?
Qui: First of all, Bren has no power over me. Second of all, yes. Honest.
Bren: That's so sweet. Even if you are lying through your teeth, Qui-Gon. I do have power over you.
Obi: Because women are stronger, right, Master Bren?
Bren: Right, kid!
Qui: You two are making me sick.
Obi: Master this is your best hug ever. Wait until I tell all my friends how much your hugging ability has improved. They will be so jealous.
Qui: NO! Do not tell anyone. If you want more hugs, you will keep this quiet. If Yoda gets word of this, he'll want a hug too. And we've already had that discussion.
Bren: Obi-Wan, just keep this between us, okay? It'll be easier for you to get hugs in the future if you don't go babbling this all over the temple.
Obi: Okay. Can't have trolls hugging my master anyway. Then we'd have to decontaminate him. Right, Master?
Qui: Something like that, yes. Can I let go of you now?
Obi: Um...
Bren: Obi-Wan...
Obi: Yes, Master. Thank you for the hug.
(Qui-Gon released the boy and ruffled his hair. Obi-Wan immediately fell to the floor again.)
Bren: A hug and a hair ruffle all in the course of a minute. You over did it. He can't handle that. Come on, get him up so we can get out of this office. Nev might want to come back in here and cry for a while, instead of the closet in the other room.
Qui: Obi-Wan, stand up.
Obi: You should have warned me about that hair ruffle, Master. I wasn't prepared.
Qui: Sorry. I'll remember that next time.
Obi: There will be a next time? Whoa... (He started falling over again.)
Bren: Kid, cut that out! If you're going to faint every time he says or does something remotely mushy, then you'll never receive the full benefit of the mush.
Obi: You are so wise, Master Bren. How did you get so wise?
Bren: I am a woman. It comes naturally.
Qui: Would you cut it out. Obi-Wan, stop kissing up to her. Bren, stop coddling to him.
Bren: Cool out, Stretch. Relax and enjoy us for a while. Hey, kid. Look at this notice on Nev's wall. Aren't you supposed to be signing up for that Speeder Safety class? The one that all padawans are required to take in their first year?
Obi: Yup. Every time I try to take it, it's filled. All padawans have to take it, but now it's also a refresher course for reckless pilots. That's why the classes are filled.
Bren: Refresher course huh? Sounds like something that Brazo needs.
Qui: Padawan, go ahead and sign up. It's next week.
Obi: Can I, Master?
Qui: Sure you can.
Obi: But what will you do while I'm gone for nine hours a day for five days in a row?
Qui: Oh, don't worry. I'll find something do to with all that quiet time. (He winked at Bren.)
Obi: Ewwww, no adult mush. Please. Stop staring at each other like that.
Qui: I'm not talking about adult mush. I'm talking about QUIET time. Which is something that I see very little of with you in my life. Not everything is about adult mush.
Obi: Then stop winking at her. Reminds me of Sith Boy and Cinny Head.
Qui: What?
Bren: From his nightmare.
Qui: Oh, right. Scan your name in, Obi-Wan. Before this class fills up.
Obi: Okay. All signed up. Can we go eat before we train? I'm starved and when I get hungry I get tired. I don't know why it makes me tired, but it does.
Qui: It's all that talking that you do. If it wears me out, I know it has to wear you out.
Obi: Nah. I'm used to it. You should be too.
Bren: I should warn the dining hall that we are invading.
Qui: No, let them feel the full effect of my padawan's wrath. It's only fair that I share him and his abilities with other Jedi.
Obi: I knew you loved me, Master. Now you want all the other Jedi to see how great a padawan I have become.
Qui: Something like that, yes. Flap your lips all you want.
Bren: (She leaned to whisper into Qui-Gon's ear.) You're just happy because you are going to get five Obi-Wan free days next week.
Qui: I must plan accordingly.
Bren: But he'll be home in the evening.
Qui: But classes like that always tire him. He'll come home and go right to bed. And then you and I...
Obi: I smell the scent of adult mush talk. Not before I am about to eat. I'll have another nightmare.
Bren: And then you'll have to hug him, Qui-Gon.
Qui: Right. Good point. We'll discuss this later. Obi-Wan, lead the way. Let's eat!
END