When It All Falls Apart
Summary: The Jeffrey White case had been consuming on both of them. And finally Kate gets Tony to open up about it. But she can't believe what she hears. post Chained
Pairing: Tate, a bit angst
Disclaimer: Not mine
Author's Note:I've been meant to do this since the day I watched Chained. Which was more than a year ago, so, here it is. Please please drop off a review. I love them:D
Lyrics: The lyrics in italics below is from the song Look after you by The Fray. The story is titled after the song When it all falls apart by The Veronicas.
"If I don't say this now, I will surely break" – The Fray
Kate was losing it. She'd looked everywhere and was this close to give up when it hit her. The only place where she hadn't looked yet.
"Planning on jumping, DiNozzo?" she said softly. He didn't react, but only kept staring out at the city. Kate had to admit that you had a good view from the NCIS roof. Especially by one am.
"I thought you'd gone home" Kate continued
"Ditto" he replied sternly. Now Kate carefully approached him. Something was off here. When they had returned back to HQ earlier, Tony had disappeared without a word.
"You've been here all day?" Now he nodded. Kate slowly went to stand beside him by the railing. He'd changed out of his bloody clothes and shaved his face. But still, that distant look on his face made Kate feel slightly uneasy.
"Tony, what's going on here?"
"Nothing"
"You're lying"
"No" he replied, without even glancing up at her. Knowing that she and Tony never talked about deep stuff like feelings and heavy topics, Kate understood that she would have to take the first step into this.
"You had me worried, Tony"
"Really?" he deadpanned, no emotion or expression in his voice.
"Yes" she said firmly, desperately wanting a reaction from him. "I was extremely worried, Tony"
He still didn't show any sign of saying something, so Kate continued. "I thought…he was going to kill you"
"Is that so…"
"Dammit, he held a knife to your throat. A slower reaction from you or a quicker action from him and…-" Kate stopped herself. She couldn't say it. Too vivid images entered her mind. She pushed them away and concentrated on Tony, alive, standing before her.
"Well, yeah. I was there you know" he said a bit sarcastic. "Maybe that slow reaction would have solved a thing or two, huh?"
Kate went cold. She was in shock. Was this Tony she was talking to? The coldness in his voice scared her and she instantly knew that she would never ever complain about his teasing ever again. Because seeing him in this state, terrified her.
"What the hell do you mean by that?"
Now, he finally turned to look at her. She winced. His usually warm and friendly eyes were now empty and cold.
"I'm sure you all would have gotten over it pretty fast" Kate was speechless. Was he imply what she thought he was implying?
"Tony! I….What…How…" she paused to gather composure to form coherent sentences again.
"Don't say that, Tony!" she managed to get out.
"I mean it"
"Tony, what makes you say all this crap?"
He avoided her eyes now for a long moment before establishing eye contact again. "My mom died when I was fifteen. Dad…kept telling me how worthless I was and…I thought things would be better off without me, you know. But I couldn't. I stood on that bridge, looking down at the cars. But I couldn't…" When he finished, he was staring out at the Anacostia River again. Kate was having tars rolling freely down her cheeks. Had Tony, a man who loved life and everything about it, considered committing suicide? Had he been that lonely?
"I…can't believe you just said that" Kate said, still in slight shock. She distractedly ran a hand through her hair.
"Well, it's the truth" he deadpanned. That's when it snapped for Kate. Days of worry and fear just snapped.
"Stop being so cold! I barely slept for two days, because you were out there with him" she yelled.
"You should blame Gibbs for that. Not me"
"Tony! Shut up!! Gibbs slept soundly that night. I didn't. Because I couldn't. I was worried to death about you. And I mean, I've known you for less than 18 months right, but there I was, being nauseous from pure worry about you. You, Tony! And when we found Lane's body…God, I wanted to throw up. You wanna know why?! Because I kept waiting for Gibbs to come and tell me that he'd found your body too. And not to mention the bloody box of clothing inside that cabin, which I feared was yours!" Now she caught her breath. Through her monologue she'd been both screaming and crying and was now almost breathless. During her yelling, Tony had kept his eyes focused on her. His face began to soften a bit. "So don't stand here and talk like that, Tony. Like you don't care a shit about yourself, like you think no one else cares for you either!" Seeing her tears, made it impossible for Tony to keep that stern mask on his face and now for a moment he only looked tired.
"I'm sorry, Kate. For causing you all this pain. Now you understand what I mean…-"
"SHUT UP! Don't even think it. That murdered caused me this pain. Not you, Tony" she cried, angrily wiping her tears.
"I'm still sorry, Kate"
Now she took a few deep breaths to calm down. Then she continued, now when they had started it was best to finish. "Truth is Tony…if you had died today. Oh God, I can't even think about it" she sobbed lightly, when the images came back to her. Tony watched her intently. Had she been that worried? That she now had spilled her inner thoughts to him by standing here and crying right in front of him?
"I thought you were dead, for a moment, Tony" she now spoke softly as the sobs had subsided. "And it hurt. I felt like…I…It scared me" she said, not being able to explain the panic she'd felt. Now she was the one to turn away. Tony still processed their conversation. Had she really been this bothered by this case? Without a word, he walked up behind her, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her to his chest. After a while, she turned around and buried her face in his shirt. Relief immediately washed over her. Silent tears soaked his shirt, which only made Tony hold her even tighter. This had been extremely consuming on Kate, and knowing that he was a part of the cause made him feel guilty. No matter what Kate said, he felt guilty.
"Kate"
"Yeah?" she turned her face up"
"Thank you"
"For what?"
"Helping me understand" was his cryptic response, but his eyes gave it away. Kate smiled faintly and soon Tony did the same. Even if was nothing like his wide, trademark grin that always made Kate smile cause of it, it was a smile. A genuine one. Slowly, Tony bent down and rested his forehead against hers. He stared into her eyes for a moment, before placing a soft kiss onto her lips. He pulled back, forehead still against hers.
"Thank you" he murmured. Kate smiled again and now leaned in against his chest, once again thanking God that he was okay. At least for now.
How was that? Angst and then romance, just like we all want it. Right? Please review :D :D Cause I know you want to :)