Disclaimer: I don't own Sly Cooper or any related characters. They're property of Sucker Punch Products. Sucker Punch rules!!!!!! Anyway, this is my second kinda humorous fic. Probably aint' that funny.Let me know what you think in your reviews. I dreamed it up when I thought about food from Louisiana. I also know that a lot of French People live in Louisiana. Other than that, Please Read and Review!
Meet The Family
Sly and Carmelita had been dating for a few months and had decided to make a life-time commitment. After Sly popped the question the news quickly spread. They were getting married in a few weeks.
"Sly, if were gonna get married, then you need to meet my family." Carmelita told him as they sat in her office, talking about their future.
"Sure! That'd be awesome Carm!" Sly responded happily.
" Well, I don't know about awesome." Carmelita sighed.
"What'd ya meet, baby?" Sly asked.
"Ya see, I'm French, but I was born and raised in Louisiana." Carmelita told him.
" So, what's wrong with Louisiana?" Sly asked puzzled at her reaction to wanting to see her parents.
"Well, ya see.... I'm not from a civilized background as you may think. I grew up not far from New Orleans on the edge of a swamp." She stated.
"So?" Look baby, I don't care where your from. I'll still always love you." Sly assured her with a kiss on the cheek.
"Okay, but your gonna be in for a surprise." She warned him.
"Guess I will, then won't I." Sly laughed as he led her to her car and back home.
The next day, Carmelita took Sly and his friends Bentley and Murray on a plane that was heading straight for New Orleans. Once they landed, they boarded a bus that would take them to the outskirts of Gator Swamp. On the bus Sly and Carmelita talked a lot a bout her family. It was loud. Then some guy jumped up and started hopping up and down screaming "Play that banjer Joe!"
"Yehaw!" Cried his friend. They then started to play their banjos to the Beverly Hillbillies tune.
"Who the heck?" Sly asked as he watched the pair.
"That's Bob and Joe. Their just crazy." Carmelita told him with a laugh. "Watch. They can be pretty random at times."
"You remember them? I though you haven't been here in 3 years." Sly asked
" I remember. Hard to forget those two." Carmelita laughed.
Sly turned around and yelled to Bentley and Murray who were sitting with some fat gay guys in the back.
"How's it going, guys." Sly laughed.
"Help!" cried Bentley as some 200 hundred pound gay guys picked him up and crushed him in a bear hug.
"Howdy there, cute turtle guy." He said.
"AHHHHH!" screamed Bentley. "Help Sly!!!"
"Your on your own pal!" Sly laughed.
"I told them not to sit back there." Carmelita chuckled.
" They'll learn to listen to you soon enough.." Sly assured with a laughed.
A little while later the bus let them off near the edge of a huge swamp. It was foggy and the trees made it look especially creepy.
"Whoa." Murray mumbled sheepishly.
"You grew up in there?" Sly asked wide eyed as he pointed toward the swamp.
"Yep." Carmelita said proudly. "Everyday I'd wrestle alligators and jump from one branch to another so I wouldn't fall in the water and get devoured." Carmelita said. "C'mon follow me." She said. She led the group to a swamp skiff rental dock on the edge of the swamp. They didn't have any money, and the owner wouldn't let them rent one. Carmelita had to beat him up before he gave them one. They drove the swamp skiff following a telephone line for about five miles into the swamp. They then came across a medium sized house on an island.
They parked the skiff on a small dock on the island. They approached the porch of the house.
"Mamma, I home!" Carmelita called. A woman fox the same height and build walked out to greet them. He hair only came to the back of her neck unlike Carmelita's which ran down her back. The older foxes hair was done up in a rebel flag bandana.
"Hi there baby!" The older woman said as she hugged Carmelita. "How longs it been, 3 or 5 years?"
"It's been 3, ma." Carmelita told her as she hugged her back.
"Hey paw, get you and ya'lls lazy whiskey drinkin' ass out here and greet your baby girl!" The older woman hollered in the direction of the house.
"Oh mama, before I forget, This is Sly, my fiancé." Carmelita motioned to Sly, who tipped his hat.
"Well, so you're a getting hitched to my baby?" Well your gonna have to get used to her Pa and brother." Carmelita's mother laughed.
"Oh, by the way Mrs. Fox.." Sly started to introduce Bentley and Murray.
"Oh please hon, call me Carmen." Carmelita's mother laughed.
"Sorry." Sly laughed. " This is Bentley and this is Murray." He said motioning to his pals.
"Pleased." She said as she shook their hands.
Then a thin but beer gutted fox walked out the door in a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt. He had a bottle of home made whiskey in one hand. His hair, like his wife's and daughter's was also blue.
"What's all the ruckus about now, ma." He asked in a deep southern accent.
"Look here ya useless man. Your baby's here to see ya and she brought he boyfriend." Carmen said as she pointed at Sly and Carmelita, who were holding hands. Sly waved.
"Hm... She's a marryin' this scrawny thing?" Carmelita's dad asked as he sized up Sly. " Here boy. Take a drink of this."
"But I..." Sly tried to say, but Carmelita's dad shoved his bottle of whisky in his mouth. When he took in out, Sly coughed up a little cloud of smoke and his eyes flashed red for a second.
"Good.....Stuff." Sly commented as he clutched his cramping stomach.
"Ma own brand." The fox stated proudly.
"Sorry hon. This here's ma husband, Bill."
"Dad, it's so good to finally see ya again." Carmelita said as she hugged him.
"Why'd you come home? The Marty Gras next week?" Bill asked.
"No dad." Carmelita laughed. I wanted you to meet Sly and his friends.
"Well, okay then." Bill said. " Were all acquainted."
"Pa, now were gonna find Sly and his friends somewhere to sleep, and there gonna stay as long as they want." Carmen snapped at him. "Now, go and warm up the kitchen stove. I'm cooking a special dinner tonight."
"Yes hon." Grumbled Bill as he did as he was told.
"Me and Murray are gonna go and see some of the sites in New Orleans." Bentley stated.
"But if Carmelita's mom's fixing us a nice dinner, wouldn't it be rude of you guys to ditch her?" Sly asked in a serious tone.
"It's fine." Carmen told him. Less work for me."
"Okay then." Murray said as he and Bentley departed for New Orleans.
"Okay then Sly, follow me and my mother. We'll give ya a tour. Carmelita giggled. Once inside Carmen went to cook. Carmelita gave Sly a tour of the house. Bill fell asleep on the couch, drunk.
"This was my room." Carmelita said to Sly as she showed him an old bedroom that overlooked the swamp. Out the window he saw a porch. A bed and a toy box was all that was in the room besides a bookcase.
"Hey sis.." A voice came from behind Carmelita. Carmelita grabbed the hands arm and threw the man who owned the hand over her shoulder. He landed on the floor with a loud thud.
"Oops." Carmelita said as she looked at her brother lying on the floor.
"Hi big sis." Her brother greeted her in a strained voice.
"Ya ain't tossed me like that since ya were little.
"Carmelita, is this your brother?" Sly asked wide eyed at Carmelita's toss.
"Yeah. We used to bicker all the time." Carmelita laughed as she helped her brother up.
"So sis, heard ya's a getting hitched. This the lucky groom?" Her brother asked.
"Yep. Oh say Sly, this is Kyle." Carmelita said.
"So Sly, you're a joinin' our Family, are ya?" Kyle asked. He looked almost exactly like Bill, only without the beard and a lot younger.
"I'm proud to be joining your family." Sly stated as he put his arm around Carmelita's shoulder.
"We'll were glad to have ya." Kyle assured him. He left to go help his mother cook.
"Sly, my brother and dad, well, aren't as sophisticated as my mother is. She's actually French." Carmelita told him.
"Yeah, but It's just..." Sly started.
"Just what Sly?" Carmelita pushed.
"I think your mom likes me, but your dad doesn't seem to like one little thing about me." Sly finished.
"Sly, he's just not very social." Carmelita assured him. "Anyway, my mother makes all the decisions around here. If it was up to her, she'd have left my dad when I was born and move back to France, but my dad always manages to talk her out of it."
"She sure doesn't look like an old woman." Sly stated. " She looks like she could be 25."
"I know. My mom and I always worked out and played together. My father was...well... a jackass."
"He loves you though, you know that Carm." Sly told her.
"Yeah, but he drinks more than he should."Carmelita replied.
"Hey baby, bring your boyfriend down here!" Carmen called up the stairs. " Bring ya good for nothing Pa on the way."
"Okay, mama." Carmelita hollered back.
"AT the table, Sly took one bite of the food and his eyes lit up
"Man, this is great, what is it." Sly asked Carmen.
"You don't wanna know." Carmen replied flatly. " You just put some more hot sauce on it and keep chewing, city boy."
"Give me a clue, does it swim, fly, crawl.." Sly questioned.
'Maybe it do and maybe it don't." Carmen said. " You just keep eatin'." Sly looked at his plate and shrugged. He resumed eating.
A few minutes later, Murray walked in with a pancake flat Bentley under his arm.
"What happened?" Asked Carmelita worriedly.
"The fat gay guy from the bus beat him up after Bently refused to go to his place.
" Well goodness!" Carmen sighed. "Bill, Kyle, will you guys take these two to the hospital?"
"Sure thing hon when I get back can we..ya know." Bill said as he stared to put the move on his wife.
"NO! Now move, you lazy bum." She scolded.
"Yes ma." Bill replied sheepishly as he and Kyle led Murray and Bentley to their pickup truck, which would have to be put on the swamp skiff and drove to New Orleans, to take Bentley to have him filled with air until he was back to normal.
"Carmelita, would ya be a hon and help me clean up?" Carmen asked.
"Sure ma." She smiled.
"Hey, I'll help too." Sly said as he to started to clear away plates.
"Thanks!" Ya know Carmelita, this boy is gonna be a great husband." Carmen said as she winked at her daughter. Carmelita kissed Sly's cheek and winked back.
Carmen went over to clear off the stove and noticed that one of the cooking pots lids was moving. She grabbed a wooden spoon and said to the pots contents:
"Get back in there." in a threatening tone.
"Hey..uh..is that dessert?" Sly asked in a queasy tone.
"Well, it was, but it ain't ready for cookin' yet, so I guess not." Carmen replied.
"Oh.. Okay." Sly replied.
"Hey mama, you think you could come to Paris foe me and Sly's wedding?" Carmelita asked.
"Sure baby, when is it?" Carmen rplied.
"In two weeks." Carmelita told her.
"That's good. What's yer dress look like." Carmen asked.
"What dress?" Carmelita asked puzzled.
Carmen's eyes grew wide.
"WHAT???? Only two weeks and you ain't got no purty dress picked out??? Good Lord, I'll have to go right now and help ya!" Carmen shot out in panic as she grabbed her purse.
"C'mon. Let's go find your Pa and get a going!" Carmen Commanded.
A week later, in a Victoria Secret Dress shop, Carmelita and Carmen were picking out wedding gowns with the best designer in France. After they picked out about 5 gowns that Carmelita liked, they took her to the fitting room.
"Ma, I appreciate you helping me out but I've gotta admit, I'm a little nervous." Carmelita said as she inspected her current dress, rejected it and tried on another.
"Hey hon, I know it's scary giving up your old life to be with someone you love, but it's the greatest thing there is." Carmen comforted her.
"Thanks ma." Carmelita replied as she found a suitable dress. "In the end, is it worth it, I mean you and dad argue a lot."
"Baby, couples will always argue sometimes. Just remember that you love each other." Carmen assured her.
"Thanks ma." Carmelita hugged her after she took her dress off. " It means a lot to me that you're here. Sly has no Family." Carmelita sighed.
"Well, he will this Saturday a 2." Carmen said with a smile. Carmelita giggled and smiled back.
Friday night at the rehearsal dinner, which Bill and Kyle somehow talked them into being at Hooters, Bill looked at their waitress who was not only qualified to work there, but probably had a scholarship, and went
"Where'd ya get them things Darlin'?" as he eyed her chest.
"I bought 'em"? The waitress replied angrily.
"Bill, you perverted little..." Carmen started to slap him around. "You're married."
The waitress walked off. Bill fell face-first into his plate, unconscious. " Besides, mine are just as big as hers." Carmen thought to herself.
The next day at the wedding, Kyle, who was best man, showed up without the ring.
"Where's the ring?" Sly asked sweating nervously in his new tux.
"That thang was a ring?" Kyle asked
"Yes!" Sly screamed. What'd you think it was."
" Well, I thought it was a mini doughnut." Kyle replied sheepishly.
"Don't worry Sly, we bought an extra in case of this." Bentley said as Murray handed him an extra ring.
Later, as the two were about to say "I Do" A beer can was heard opening.
"BILL!!!!" Carmen scolded.
"Should I start runnin' now?" Bill asked sheepishly.
"Oh yeah." Carmen said. She then chased him out of the chapel.
"I love my family." Carmelita sighed.
"Yeah, but I love you more." Sly said as he kissed her in the most loving kiss of their lives.
"I now pronounce you... Man and Wife!" She preacher exclaimed.
"What's that mean?" Kyle asked
"Never mind him." Carmelita told the preacher.
The End