Thoughts

Chapter 1. Regrets

Life never seems to play out the way you plan. People get hurt. Emotions explode. I live my life wanting to make everyone happy. I have to help all those I care about, it's what I do. So when things don't go my way, or better yet if things don't go as planned, I, well, freak out. I still yell, I still kick and scream and act like I'm an undisciplined, ill mannered guardian. But I only do this because I care so much.

So you can see how my reaction to Jill being killed and Adrian bringing her back, made me Rosemarie Hathaway completely freak the hell out. I lived my whole life putting them first, making sure that their needs came before mine. Well, Lissa's life came first. She was my friend, my sister, my everything. I never had anyone but her in my life since I could remember. I had no caring mother, but I had Rhea. I never knew my father but I had Eric. And I never ever had any siblings and thats where Lissa, and yes even Andre came into play. Yet I had let them down, too.

But I never knew how bad of a guardian this made me. I put Lissa first no matter what. Yes, I understand she is my charge, my best friend, my sister, but it is not just her I need to put first it is all moroi. I was trained to save all of them no matter what, even if it meant my own life would be put on the line. I even gave my life for her. But what about Jill? She was my friend, Lissa's sister, and I could not save her.

When all hell broke loose and those rebels attacked, I as a dutiful guardian went for my charge, I should have known better. Lissa had an entire army of guardians to protect her, no one and nothing could ever get to her, we were lethal. Jill on the other hand had no one. She had no guardian, she had few friends, and she had the fear of the life I threw her into, all for the better of all moroi and dhampirs. I should have known better, I should have looked out more. I should have gone for her, especially when I knew no guardian would let anything happen to the Queen, to Lissa.

Instead I along with almost every guardian in the room forgot about every other moroi, and jumped for Lissa, letting every other moroi without protection. It all happened so fast. In a blink of an eye Jill's life was taken from her and I did nothing but protect Lissa, protect her when protection is all she had. I regret not going for Jill, I blame myself for the events that followed. It is why I personally, had to deliver Jill to Palm Springs and make sure that I saw everything was going to work out there for her and everyone else.

Adrian hated me, Jill couldn't even look at me, and my long time friend Eddie well he was judging me. Eddie would never admit it, but he was looking down upon me for it. He was the only one that went for Jill, the only one that noticed that she was the one who was in harms way. And Adrian was the one who saved her.

Adrian... Adrian... Adrian... Adrian... It broke my heart that I had broken his heart. I know everyone thought he was just a good for nothing drunken playboy, but I knew better Adrian was going to become a hero. He is an amazing man, and deserved better than what I did, even true love does not justify what I did. But I did it and I have to live with that.

So here I am waiting to leave to Palm Springs and try once again to make things better. To fix everything I had done wrong, I had to make things better. I have to make them see that I was not this horrible person I knew they thought I was. And yes leaving Lissa for that short amount of time scared me, but she would be fine. Jill needed me, and I was not going to let her down again.

"I'm going to miss you" Dimitri's soft spoken words broke me from my 100 mile an hour negative thoughts. Dimitri, my perfect, sexy, amazing, Russian god Dimitri.

"I'm going to miss you too! So freaken much!" This earning me a sideline gaze, hey at least I hadn't used an even more vulgar word I had been planning on using.

"Don't get too comfortable without me. And you better answer my calls comrade!" I spoke into the nook of this neck as I gave him a last hug before we headed out.

"I'll sleep with the cell under my pillow Roza. I wouldn't miss a call from you my love" He was trying to comfort me, he was trying to tell me he would be there for me no matter what.

"I love you Dimitri, see you so very soon" I yelled at I got into the passenger seat, having called shot gun, five minutes before.

"I love you Roza. Be safe" Dimitri called as the door was closed.

We had run into a small problem on the way to the car, some rebels trying to be brave and try again at getting Jill's life. We had gotten them but I know this wasn't making Dimitri feel any better about this trip. He knew I could take care of myself, and he knew I would keep Jill safe, but just like how I felt about him being alone with the dangers of the world, he felt the same way about sending me off into the clenches of the unknown.

I had to make up for all the wrongs I did, I had to make sure Jill, Adrian and Eddie would some day forgive me for letting them down, and I was going to start today, by delivering Jill to Palm Springs and making sure everything there was perfect. And for this reason I was leaving Lissa to be kept safe with other guardians, that although I know are kick ass, would never be as good as me. But worse of all I was leaving Dimitri, and after losing him way too many times I just wanted to keep him close at all costs. But I had a duty to fulfill, and I was not going to mess this up, not now, not ever.