BREATHE HARD, LOVE FINE
Started On : 28.07.2014
It has been about 6 minutes and 27 seconds to their kiss. And he is still keeping count.
His fingers reach his lips and press against them. A smile breaks free as the memory and feel of Kyoya's lips pressed against his still persists on his mind and flesh.
This kiss has been gentle, soft. Very much unlike Kyoya, but not quite. Conveying unsaid thoughts that he had failed to grasp, when he had been concentrating on the small wrinkles near Kyoya's eyes.
This flesh-memory, that is still fresh on his mind - soft and caring, but at the same time, unsure and scary - sends a shiver of cold fear through his spine.
Nile almost bolts up straight in his chair. Almost.
Like a goodbye kiss...
His heart hammers away inside his chest while his head travels back all those years...
Four? Five? Five and a half. Almost. Yes. That much. And he remembers the first time it happened...
The first press of lips after a heated argument which neither of them had intended to give up on. The look of horror, confusion and finally fear on Kyoya's face. One, two, three steps back. And then another foot apart.
At that time, the distance had scared Nile more than Death could. 'Shit' was all he had thought. The anger coursing through his veins had vanished at a moment's notice, replaced by guilt and more fear. He had made to cross that small distance, but Kyoya had simply held up his hand, the beginning of a shove probably and taken another step back, away from him. "No" Kyoya had rasped and finally, he had walked away.
Nile had simply stood there (for a long time, he realised later on), watching Kyoya's retreating back and thinking over and over again - 'I should not have done that.' That he should not have taken those three small steps towards Kyoya. That he should not have pressed their lips together. That he should not have simply thrust all his locked up emotions onto the shoulders of the person he had been loving for so long. That he should have cared. That he should not have been so selfish.
But if he hadn't been selfish then, where would they be standing now?
The light shining over his head stings his eyes, so he puts his arm over them, his mind drifting down the old memory lane...
After that first kiss, Kyoya had given him the cold shoulder for weeks. When Nile had, at last, summed up the courage to apologize to him, he had only received a grunt. The lack of attention had forced one extra letter from his mouth - "I..." and he had only realised 10 seconds later what a huge slip it had been on his part, given that he had always known Kyoya to be an unpredictable man.
The green-haired male had pinned him to the concrete wall, fingers curled around his throat. And in a voice so chilling as the Northern winds, he had hissed, with nostrils flaring and eyes wide, each word deadly and dripping with venom, when Nile had choked on his name - "Don't. You. Dare."
Contrary to what Nile had thought, the look in Kyoya's eyes hadn't been disgust, but anger directed at him and another unnamed emotion that had made its presence known. But before Nile could have deciphered it, Kyoya had crashed their lips together. And brutally so.
Only seconds later, Nile had known that so-called unnamed emotion to be Lust, as he had felt Kyoya's erection digging into his hip. Kyoya had led them through it, through that kiss, through that raging storm of raw senses and feelings, tongue and teeth clashing savagely. And they had almost, almost, torn each other apart with their bare hands. Until Reality had reared its ugly head up.
Nile had pushed him away, growling, with a force he hadn't known he possessed. Perhaps it was the anger again that had fuelled it. Kyoya had staggered back and they had stood like that, with Nile pressed against the wall, both of their breathing rash.
But Kyoya had reached for him again, angrier this time, calloused fingers gripping his jaw to the point of pain. "You don't deny me this!" Kyoya had seethed, tracing his lips roughly with his thumb - an action half sensual, half painful. And Nile had bit out, with a hoarse chuckle - "Try me!" but had yanked Kyoya's head down by his hair for another kiss, nonetheless, equally savage. It had all been about dominance from there on and strangely, Nile had not wanted to give in to Kyoya.
In that moment of insanity, desire and sadness, Nile had not thought Kyoya to be capable of harbouring emotions as refined as Love. But with the seconds ticking by, the fury had seeped out from the kiss and it had been replaced by something different. New. Almost tender as the grip on his jaw had loosened, as Kyoya's one hand had held his head in place, fingers threaded through his bangs and as his other hand had reached between them to palm his erection.
They had parted with a pop, only for Nile to catch enough air before Kyoya had kissed him again, softer, surer this time and gradually escalading. Nile had only leaned against him, gasping and groaning in pleasure and had let Kyoya have his way with him.
The next morning, Nile had woken up on the couch with a crick in his neck and with only his boxers in place and his limbs tangled with Kyoya's.
He had expected Kyoya to run for the hills the moment he would wake, but the green-haired male had done nothing of the sort. And by the end of the day, the words that Nile had kept locked up inside himself for years had spilled out - "I love you..."
Kyoya had not screamed, had not run. He had simply kissed the top of Nile's forehead, knuckles brushing his jaw, and whispered - "I know."
The memory leaves his eyes stinging and throat aching. So Nile takes a deep breath through his nose and sits up straight, pulling a stack of files towards himself. He has got some work to do.
After that day, the cold-shoulder treatment had vanished into thin air. But Kyoya had behaved as if nothing had happened. There was that near constant running, that subtle form of avoidance, which a normal pair of eyes would have failed to detect. But Nile had always been known for those observant eyes of his. To see through those invisible things, those facades and lies. At that point in time he had realised that Kyoya had given him as much as he was capable of handing over. He should not have had any expectations in the first place. So he had simply done what a sane person would do : Forgive and Forget.
It had been on one of those inconsequential days that everything had changed. Toppled over. And Nile had to start all over from the beginning.
After discussing a new project with Kyoya, Nile had made to leave - 'Forgive and Forget' he had chanted inside his head like a mantra - only to be stopped by a grip on his arm.
He had turned slowly, achingly so, only to look at Kyoya. And he had choked on his own spit, because sitting before him was the Kyoya Tategami who had been over-shadowed by pretenses and painted in colours that were not his. There was no dynamic CEO for whom hundreds of women pined. No arrogant bastard that people claimed him to be. No King of the Beasts from their beyblading days. But just a boy who had grown up way too early to fend for himself.
"I'm trying" Kyoya had said. "If you can't see."
And really, Nile hadn't seen. Hadn't even thought it necessary to. Because - How could Kyoya even understand what he felt? Had not Kyoya always been the one to focus on his goal and keep moving forward, no matter what the consequences be? Because... Had not Kyoya been created only to win and not to love?
God... How could he have been so blind?
To hell with moving forward, Nile had thought angrily. Kyoya had simply been running, always running, towards his goal, towards strength, only so that he would not be knocked down by others. Never letting his guard down, never losing control, never giving himself the slightest moment of reticence. And Nile had been blind for all his 'observant eyes' and thought that Kyoya was incapable of human emotions.
He had seen Kyoya pressing his thumb to his temple, his eyes. And Nile had simply decided.
"Is your head hurting?" he had asked. Kyoya had immediately let go of his head and started - "N - "
Always putting up the walls. Always. But Nile had moved in before Kyoya had the chance to speak the last syllable.
He had stood behind Kyoya, pressing his thumbs against the man's temple, kneading gently. The quiet, at last, had seemed peaceful and not disorienting. The creases of worry had left Kyoya's forehead and he had leaned against Nile's hands.
"Do your eyes hurt?" Nile had asked when he had seen Kyoya's hand reach them again. "A little" the green-haired male had agreed in a whisper. "Do you want me to fix an appointment with a doctor?" Nile had asked, thumbs moving in circles against the warm skin of Kyoya's temples. "I'm not sick" Kyoya had countered. "I think your eyes are getting affected." "Are they?" Kyoya had looked up at him and then frowned. "I'm not wearing any glasses" he had huffed. It had brought a smile to Nile's face and he had immediately reached out and smoothened those folds of skin between Kyoya's eyes. "You can always wear contacts" Nile had told him. "No. Not those." "Glasses then. When would you like to meet him?" "This Saturday afternoon?" "Alright." And just like that, Nile had decided. He would not push Kyoya anymore. And if they should fall, they will fall together.
He leans back in his chair, breathing a sigh of relief. The two important documents have been reviewed. Only three more to go. He cracks his knuckles, then his neck and sits up straight, reaching for another file.
That day had marked the beginning of something new. Something stronger between Kyoya and him. Something that he could hold between his palms without gripping too tight and it would not slip away like sand from the gaps between his fingers.
Without surrendering the control, Kyoya had started talking, asking, even blushing and getting jealous, if Nile had observed right. "Was that your girlfriend?" Kyoya had asked. "Girl - ! Girlfriend?! No!" Nile had balked, horrified. "An ex?" "No! Benkei's cousin. She is looking for a job and sh - " "Good. I don't want your attention diverted. Focus on the work at hand." And Kyoya had stalked out of the room, leaving Nile gaping at his retreating figure.
That night when they had returned home (because Kyoya had still not kicked him out), Kyoya had reached for him, leaned into him and brushed their lips together the moment the door had closed behind them. "Kiss me" Kyoya had rasped and he had done exactly that. Moulding their lips together, tongues brushing, dancing, sharing warmth, need, affection. They had ended up on his bed, with Kyoya hovering over him. "Is this - " he had gasped, when Kyoya's thumb had circled the tip of his erection and he had bucked his hips forward into the grip, his own fist clenching around Kyoya's rock hard arousal. "God... Is this g-good, Kyoya?" Kyoya had let out a groan, thrusting into his fist and hissed - "Fuck! Nile... Yes... More..." They had come together only minutes later and Kyoya had looked at him with wide, wide eyes, lips parted. "I..." he had started. But Nile had pressed a finger to his lips and whispered - "Shh... Come here, Kyoya..." And the other man hadn't complained.
He stands, stretching his arms, cracking his knuckles once again. Damn. This work is tiring. He looks at his watch and grimaces. It took him 2 hours to go through a set of five files. Not good. But his lips curl upwards anyway. It's 5 minutes to the lunch break. He moves towards the door, walks out and down the corridor towards the elevator and then into it.
The cafeteria is jostling with hungry staff when he reaches it. "A black coffee, no sugar" he says at the counter and waits. From the corner of his eye, he catches a raven-haired woman chatting away animatedly with three others of her kind. When she finds him looking at her, she hop-steps over to him with a smile.
"Nile!" she greets when she reaches him. "What've you got for me today?" The man's right eyebrow twitches. She is speaking as if he always makes her work.
"There is a stack of files in my office" he tells her. "Take them to Kyoya and ask him to sign them." A deep rose blush paints her fair cheeks. "T-T-Tategami-san?!" she stutters, jaw hanging. "Yes, him." "H-H-Hai!" She bows and runs off towards the exit.
Nile sighs, pressing his fist to his forehead. Shiho Kirishima really is something. He turns just in time to collect his coffee, takes the mug and heads towards the exit as well.
Frankly speaking, he is a little scared of Shiho. She is beautiful - or at least better looking than most women, has a kind heart and it's evident that she likes Kyoya. It would be only natural if Kyoya fell for her too.
When he reaches Kyoya's office, Shiho passes by him with a tearful face and few sniffles. On entering, he finds Kyoya running a hand through his green bangs, frustation written clear on the man's face.
Nile places the mug on the desk. Kyoya's hand instinctively reaching for it makes him smile.
"What did you do to her this time?" he asks. Kyoya just groans with the coffee still in his mouth. "Why do you keep sending her here?" the green-haired male says, once the mouthful of caffeine is down. "She is the stupidest creature I've met so far."
The words spill out before Nile can stop them. "She likes you." Kyoya's expression doesn't change, of course. Never does. He is always in control.
"Then should I entertain all women who come knocking at my doors?" Voice. Eyes. Stare. Everything around Kyoya is cold.
"She's just trying to prove her worth" Nile answers, leaning against the desk. "To you." He is not even sure why he is taking Shiho's side. Maybe because it has always been the same way with him. Proving his worth to Kyoya. Being good enough for Kyoya. Being respected by Kyoya. Always. Kyoya. Kyoya. Kyoya.
But this coldness that has always belonged to Kyoya, Nile had never been able to take away. No matter how hard he tried. They have argued a million times because of this coldness. And a million times Nile had shut his mouth and never been entirely sure why he did it. Was it because he did not want to hurt Kyoya? Or was it because he did not want to be hurt by Kyoya?
"Nile..." Kyoya's voice calls him out of his reverie. The hand on his face brushes his cheek and Kyoya leans in, presses their lips together. This contact is not cold. The hand on his waist holds him close to Kyoya's warmth. And he doesn't know why he is not kissing back.
"What is it?" Kyoya whispers, pulling back. This fear, that Nile seldom sees, is scarier than Kyoya's coldness. This fear, that takes away Kyoya's coldness, Nile does not want.
So he leans into the embrace, out of habit and Kyoya wraps his arms around him, one hand on his head, fingers woven through his hair, the other on his back, holding him close, close, close to Home.
A kiss on his cheek, one on the shell of his ear. "What is it?" Kyoya whispers again, hand rubbing his back in gentle circles. This time, he asks. "Are you tired of me?"
He hears Kyoya draw a breath. The movement of the hand on his back stops, resumes. The hold on him tightens and Kyoya buries his head in the crook of his neck. "No" Kyoya breathes.
"What gave you the impression?" Kyoya asks, after some time. Nile shakes his head against Kyoya's shoulder. "Nothing" he lies and Kyoya holds him tighter. They stand like that for quite some time, not speaking but just breathing.
When Nile lifts his head, there is a wet patch on Kyoya's jacket and he realises that he is gripping the fabric too tight. He hastily smudges the tears with the heel of his palm, but his efforts are futile, because Kyoya is holding his wrists in a death grip. "Don't hide from me" he hears Kyoya say and the ache in his throat only gets worse.
I'm not the one hiding... Though he is really not very much convinced about that himself.
"Look at me, Nile" Kyoya says, lifting his face up by his chin, voice stern. Their eyes meet, blue on green, and Nile finds that assurance he has been looking for all day.
"I'm not running away, do you understand?" Kyoya asks him, cupping his face, thumb brushing his cheek. The answer doesn't come to his mouth, of course and Kyoya only wraps him in his arms again.
"And if you hide" Kyoya continues. "You know I'll find you." A soft kiss under the lobe of his left ear and Kyoya breathes in. Nile breathes out. Shares this air.
Nile stands on this common ground where he and Kyoya are equal, where neither of them dominates and where the other does not submit. "I understand" he says, holding Kyoya tight. "Hn" is the reply.
When they part, Kyoya is his CEO self again, scowling for no reason, and Nile almost smiles. "What is it?" Nile asks this time. "Tell Kakeru I want to see him. Immediately" Kyoya says, running a hand through his messy hair. "Alright" Nile answers. "You need a haircut" he adds, seconds later. "Really?" Kyoya says, grinning, sharp canines exposed. He tugs on Nile's arm, making him fall forward. "Then we can test your haircutting skills tonight" Kyoya adds, planting a quick kiss on Nile's mouth and making him blush.
"I'll see you when we leave" Kyoya says, rubbing the tip of their noses together. "Now go find Kakeru." "Aye, aye, captain" Nile jokes and turns to leave.
Useful work or not, it takes Nile about an hour to locate the younger Tategami. And when he succeeds at last, he mentally (and verbally) curses himself for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. When they reach Kyoya, they find him fuming with an almost comically deadly expression on his face.
"I think I said 'immediately'" Kyoya says, eyes hooded, but even so, Nile finds it hard to stifle the laughter bubbling inside his chest. At long last, the ridiculousness of the situation gets to him and he doubles over with laughter, wiping the tears from his eyes.
"Eh... It's not his fault, Ni-san. I was in the store-room..." Nile hears Kakeru say with an awkward laugh. "Phone was switched off..." "What the hell were you doing in the store-room?!" Kyoya barks. "Uh... Making out with Sakura?" Kakeru tries in a low voice.
There is a ghastly silence and when Nile lifts his head to look at Kyoya, he finds the green-haired male blinking hard. "Making out..." Kyoya murmurs, almost testing the words on his tongue. He groans.
"Fine. Brief me about the deal with Takahashi" Kyoya says. "In 10 minutes."
Kakeru snaps into focus instantly.
Kyoya nods at Nile and he knows it's his cue to leave. So he flashes Kyoya a grin and it is returned with a softness - a little curl of the lips that touches his eyes - that Kyoya isn't known to posses. So Nile stops, lets a smile surface that is meant only for Kyoya - his Kyoya, then turns and leaves.
It's the 10th hour of the night when Nile finally steps out of the office building, breathing in the cold, crisp air. He has gotten used to the smell of this city after spending so many years here. It's not salty, like it is in Egypt where the sand slipping from between his fingers holds decaying animal life and the midday sun's heat. It's fresh, almost as if it is spring all year round, as if green and full of life, like Kyoya and his hair.
"Oi." He turns around to see a scowling Kyoya. "You took long" he says. The answer is a grunt. "Hn. I happened to walk into a certain Sakura Usui" Kyoya says. "Kakeru's girlfriend?" "The very same."
A black Mercedes halts in front of them and the chauffeur holds the door open.
"She is annoying" Kyoya grumbles, making a face, when Nile gets in after him. "You find all women annoying" Nile jokes. "It's not new." "Whatever... Come here..."
And Kyoya pulls Nile to himself, wrapping an arm around the shorter man's waist.
For Nile, Home has always been where Kyoya is. So the coldness of the sheets underneath his back, the soft kisses planted on his skin and Kyoya's fingers moving inside him, are not foreign. And Nile knows, that these things which make up his Home, these things which he holds dear to him, can vanish. Because it is always the precious ones that are lost first. So he holds Kyoya's head in place and slants their lips together, gasping, as Kyoya enters him with practised ease.
Kyoya's thrusts are slow, but powerful as he hits him where it pleases him the most and Nile doesn't choke the moans that slip out, because he knows how badly Kyoya needs to hear them to know that they are only for him.
Nile understands how hard it is to love someone so sincerely the way Kyoya loves him, while appearing frozen all over. So he whispers - "I love you..." And he does it in Kyoya's tongue because he knows Kyoya appreciates it, even though he never says.
And so he says it over and over again. And this time when Kyoya leans to kiss him, Nile sees the tears that Kyoya never lets fall, the ones he always chokes on. So with their breaths rasping in time with each other, Nile whispers - "Breathe..." And Kyoya listens to him, does not choke anymore.
Kyoya's thrusts pick up pace as he glides his fist along Nile's rigid length, lips busy worshipping the body under him. And Nile's back arches off the bed as he shatters into a thousand fragments of blues, greens, whites and blacks, all colours that are Kyoya Kyoya Kyoya, screaming the one name that is so dear to him.
Nile feels soft lips pressing kisses to his cheeks, neck, eyes, lips, breathing, whispering, praying - "Nile... Nile... Nile..." And Nile knows how much he is loved, treasured, needed, even if Kyoya never uses the words.
Kyoya slips out of him and Nile is empty, cold, but not for long as he is wrapped tightly in arms, that are meant only to protect. Kyoya's heat against his bare back is comforting, the kisses on his shoulder soothing. And Nile shuts his eyes with the assurance that this sense of belonging and happiness isn't fake, though fragile.
And Nile falls with the knowledge that Kyoya will be there to catch him.
Finished On : 30.08.14