The Ponderings Of Inoue Orihime
What is life? Is it some game that we play, hoping to win something before we perish? Is it a competition on who does it best? Or are we puppets on a string caught in an eternal game of tug-of-war? I choose to think that we can make our own decisions, but with that decision comes two things... Eternal life or Eternal damnation. These thoughts I think are nothing compared to the ones I think while I have time. Tatsuki-chan always tells me to say what's on my mind; to not hide what I feel. But what I feel- what I truly feel, would destroy the very mask I spent years building.
"Orihime-chan, what are you thinking about?"
"Ahh Tatsuki-chan, you scared me! I was wondering if the little blue men and little green men are working together to create super powerful world with super powerful people who will soon make clones of all of us and then take over the WORLD!"
"Orihime, have you ever thought of writing a book?"
"Like an autobiography of the little blue and green men?"
"Yep."
"No way! The little green and blue men would hunt me down for revealing their secrets with the world! They would clone me!"
By this point I could tell Tatsuki-chan had stopped really paying attention. I could tell by the way her shoulders slightly sagged and how she slightly looked around every now and then. I took this opportunity to look at Kurosaki-kun, to gage what type of emotion he was in.
It was obvious he was distressed by the way Keigo-kun hung all over his back. At this time, I realized I should continue with my wild gestures and talk of blue and green men, before Tatsuki-chan realizes I was looking at him. As I was turning my head, to look back at my lunch, I realize Kurosaki-kun was looking straight at me. My mask demanded I blush and wave frantically at him to make him not suspect anything, and my heart told me different.
By the way I act, many would assume that I love or at least like Kurosaki-kun a lot. But I don't. The reason why I look at Kurosaki-kun is the fact that he scowls and glares but he never lacks friends. His character; unpleasant and unwelcoming but yet, he has friends that would do anything for him, die for him and all he does is glare. How lucky he is, not having to wear a mask and being able to show his true self and have others like him. But if I were to remove my mask, I would be alone. Truly alone. Not even onii-chan is here anymore to protect me. But then again, onii-chan didn't do a good job anyway.
"Inoue...?"
"Yes, Kurosaki-kun?"
"Are you...okay?"
"Of course Kurosaki-kun! The little blue men tried to entice me to go to their world! But no worries, I fought them off with my superior mind strength!" I said pointing at my head.
"Okay, Inoue, whatever you say..."
Kurosaki-kun gave me a blank look, and turned back to talk with Sado-kun, Ishida-kun, Keigo-kun and Mizuiro-kun. I turned to look back at Tatsuki-chan and she looked at me and then Kurosaki-kun.
"Orihime, are you sure your okay? You looked kind of upset..."
"Oh no! Tatsuki-chan that's just the little green men fooling you, so that when you're most vulnerable... Wham! They brainwash you and take over your body; then there will be a fight to the death, where only one can be the victor! I would have to fight, so I could protect Tatsuki-chan and the world but they will probably trick me and make me sign a contract stating that if they win, they have permission to take over the WORLD! Oh no! Tatsuki-chan I can't let that happen, it wo-"
"Okay, Orihime, I will pay attention so that the green men- (Little green men, Tatsuki-chan!)- will not get me."
"That's all I ask, Tatsuki-chan."
BRING~~~~
Ochi-sensei starts her lesson and I once again get pulled into the depts of my mind. Feeling a little disgusted at myself for thinking such things against my onii-chan, my wonderful onii-chan, who did all he could for me and protected me with every breath he had in his body, I touched my hairpins. I could almost hear Tsubaki telling me to calm down, to pay attention; I could almost feel him smacking my head with a book, and tugging at my cheek.
"Itai, itai, iiitai!"
"Inoue Orihime, can you tell me why you are not paying attention to my class?"
"I was Ochi-sensei! But the little blue men tricked me into a mind puzzle, and told me that if I couldn't solve it I could never return to class! But I did solve it! And then I noticed how bright and beautiful the sky looked! So I couldn't help but want to be outside!"
"Inoue Orihime, there is truly no one else like you, please pay attention to my lesson next time."
"Next time? What do you mean next ti-?" The school bell cuts me off.
"Bye Ochi-sensei!"
The entire class jumps out of their seats and runs out of the class before Ochi-sensei can tell them to stay back to get the homework assignment. Tatsuki-chan was standing by the gate when I caught up to her.
"Tatsuki-chan, you didn't have to wait for me! I could have walked home by myself!"
"I know that Hime-chan, but we never spend any time together anymore."
"Not true Tatsuki-chan. We walked to school together, we ate lunch together, and we have classes together."
"Those don't count. Plus, this is the first time we have walked to school together in a while. You're always disappearing or showing up randomly and when we do make plans, I always have a tournament."
Both Tatsuki-chan and I look at each other. I smiled at her and happily declared, "Well, let's goooo! We can have my special red bean cookies with a sprinkle of leaks! They are delicious!"
"How about chocolate chip cookies? I know this place where we could get a discount..."
"Discount on what?" Kurosaki-kun appeared from behind me, holding his backpack over his shoulder and a hand in his pocket.
"Nothing, Kurosaki-kun!"/ "Trying to decide on what type of cookies we should eat."
Both Kurosaki-kun and Tatsuki-chan look at me awkwardly. I paused and though 'how would my mask react to this?' and suddenly I got it.
"Ehehe, nothing is free, so it would be impossible to get a discount on nothing!" I grinned happily as I said this, with my hand rubbing the back of my head.
Tatsuki-chan and Kurosaki-kun exchanged looks once more. There was an uncomfortable silence where Kurosaki-kun looked at Tatsuki-chan, Tatsuki-chan looked at me and I stared straight ahead.
"..."
"Tatsuki, I heard you say something about cookies right?" Kurosaki-kun asked, frowning.
"Yep, Hime and I could not decide what to get."
"Well, how about you two get different cookies..."
"You just don't get it Ichigo."
"I don't see what's so difficult about that."
"It's a girl thing."
By this time, we already made it to Mario's Bakery. Tatsuki-chan and Kurosaki-kun already walked in; so into their chat they barely even realized that I was not behind them. I was outside the bakery looking in on them, seeing the carefree laugh Tatsuki-chan never gives me, the slight crinkle in Kurosaki-kuns eye as he and Tatsuki-chan made fun of the weird designs of the cakes. Once again, I am amazed by Kurosaki-kun; not one smile from Kurosaki-kun, but yet Tatsuki-chan was laughing, smiling and forgetting that anyone else existed. Kurosaki-kun... has a strange and unique power. One I wish I had. When it's just Sado-kun and him, they barely speak but Sado-kun always looks out for Kurosaki-kun. How unfair; to be able to hold many within your grasp, to make them fall for you and protect you, without doing a single thing...how unfair that Kurosaki-kun gets to hold that power. This mask of mine, the one meant to draw people to me...
"Inoue, are you coming in?" Kurosaki-kun asks as his head peaks out of the shop.
"Ah, yes Kurosaki-kun! I was just looking at the beautiful intricate designs of the cakes!"
I skipped into the bakery and once again reminded myself how much I hated my mask. How much I utterly despised myself. I am the one who created my mask, the one who is incapable of showing my real self to any person, and for these reasons I detest myself.
"Hm, can I have a triple fudge chocolate chip cookie Tatsuki-chan?"
"Sure. Do you want anything else Orihime?"
"Nope!" I grinned at her.
"Since your here already Ichigo, what do ya want?"
"You're buying right, Tatsuki? In that case, I want two macadamia nuts cookies and a white chocolate cookie."
"What the hell Ichigo! It was implied one thing! These things are huge and expensive!"
"Hey, you asked what I wanted, and I told you."
Tatsuki-chan mumbles under her breath about cry baby orange tops, but still goes ahead and gets Kurosaki-kun what he wanted.
"Inoue, do you wanna find a seat? We could wait for Tatsuki outside."
"Sure! I'll go tell her!" With a great big smile and a forced twinkle in my eye, I gallop off to tell Tatsuki-chan.
"Tatsuki-chan, Tatsuki-chan!"
"What's up, Orihime?"
"Kurosaki-kun suggested that me and him went outside to wait for you!"
"Here's your chance Orihime! All you gotta do now is flutter your eyelashes like this," Tatsuki-chan demonstrates and all of a sudden a pink background surrounds her with glitter everywhere, "clasp your hands together, lean forward and talk like this." Tatsuki-chan demonstrated every action, and towards the end her voice got all husky and vulnerable like. My mask was dazzled by the glitter and slightly leaned forward as well.
"Wow, Tatsuki-chan! That's so cool! Is it like this?" My mask demanded that I try what Tatsuki-chan did.
"Uhh, lean forward a bit more and make your voice a teensy bit lower, it doesn't have to be that squeaky."
After Tatsuki-chan was pleased enough with my "flirting skills", I went outside. Kurosaki-kun was sitting with his eyes closed; slightly leaned back with his bag on the ground, his hands in his pockets and the wind blowing through his orange locks. I sat down beside him and for a minute got lost in the gentle swaying of the breeze.
Is nature the only thing we can rely on? The only thing that remains constant? Humans will eventually fail you. Hell, even shinigami will fail you. So, in the end, the only one you can trust- truly depend on- would be you right? But then again, you will eventually end up failing yourself, by not saying something you wish you did, not acting when you should have. However, nature itself can be pretty unpredictable in the way it's ever changing. Nature even seems like it shares a similar trait with humans: emotions. When humans get sad they cry, and it feels like theirs a storm within them; when nature is "sad" it storms with vicious winds that tear at your face and suffocate you within its unforgiving grasp. When humans are happy, they smile and give off a light, a light that brims and shines and makes you feel like you can reach any obstacle; whereas when nature is "happy" the sun's rays shine so bright, the heat feel unbearable yet you cannot bring yourself to go inside. The only place you could possible feel to be is outside. Humans, shinigami and nature... just can't be trusted.
" It's lovely out here isn't Inoue?" Kurosaki-kun peeks one eye open to peer at me. His brown eye, beneath his eyelashes seemed to simply... entice me.
"Uh I-I-It's really is lovely! The little yellow men must be having a picnic out here!" For the first time in a long time, I stuttered. It was not my mask, but me. The unshakeable, will not show any one- anyone- my true self, was dazed at this male; and his lashes covered brown eyes.
"Little yellow men?" Kurosaki-kun asks warily.
"Yep, they are the really happy, kind ones! Whenever it's really nice out they come to play!"
"Alright here we go!" Tatsuki-chan came back and gave us our cookies. Tatsuki-chan was not lying when she said the cookies were huge. My cookie was about as big as my head; and Kurosaki-kun had three of those to finish.
"Tatsuki, wanna share? It looks like I have just too much cookies to eat."
"Too bad, Ichigo. I warned you and you still went ahead. And you better finish it because I don't waste money."
"Inoue...?"
"Sorry Kurosaki-kun, I have my own." I said raising my cookie.
After Tatsuki-chan and I ate our cookies, we spent the next five minutes watching Kurosaki-kun struggle to eat his own.
"Are you done yet, Ichigo? We've been waiting years for you!"
"Hn."
When Kurosaki-kun finally finished, we started to walk home. It got to the time where I take a left and Tatsuki-chan and Kurosaki-kun keep going straight. Tatsuki-chan grabs me fiercely and holds me close.
"It was really nice hanging out with you again Hime, I really missed you."
"Ehehe. Me too, Tatsuki-chan!" I laughed hugging her back.
"Bye bye Kurosaki-kun, Tatsuki-chan!" Waving furiously and happily I grinned at them.
"Later Inoue."
"Bye Orihime!"
As soon as I turned my back, my grin fell. Alone again, alone forever. But this is how it should be right? No other person to rely on, no other to trust, just me. The only thing that I can put a little faith, a little trust into... myself. A pat on my shoulder jolts me out of my thoughts and I look behind me.
"Kurosaki-kun? What are you doing here?"
"I couldn't let you walk home alone, Inoue." Kurosaki-kun says walking with his hands in his pockets.
"Thanks, Kurosaki-kun, but I can walk home by myself. I am perfectly capable of protecting myself from any evil foes or demon robots."
"It'll make me feel better if I walk you home, Inoue."
"Fine, but I'm honestly okay by myself, so any time you want to leave just say so."
I knew that the attraction I felt to Kurosaki-kun was just a onetime thing. There is no way I could like him the way my mask suggests I do. No way. After 5 minutes of me constantly denying myself of any type of lure I felt for Kurosaki-kun, I was home.
"Thanks for walking me home Kurosaki-kun. Would you like to come in for some tea?" I ask, hoping he will refuse and I can rest peacefully.
Kurosaki-kun scratches his head and replies, "Nah, I'm gonna go home before the oyaji calls the cops again."
"Okay, Bye Kurosaki-kun. Wake home safely!"
With a hand in the air nonchalantly he said, "Later, Inoue."
After another day of acting, contemplating and trying to understand my mask, I finally get home. Like always, as I get ready to change, a piece of my mask fades until I am myself. After getting into my pyjamas, I walk over to my onii-chans shrine, where I tell him about my day.
When I leave my mask behind I feel vulnerable. Because this mask of mine hides every flaw I have, every scar I have, every blemish that destroys me internally. Everything that has happened to me in the past, every let down I have experienced by humans, every let down I have experienced from shinigami, every disappointment onii-chan has given me, has deeply entrenched itself into my heart. Scars that can never heal, scars I will never allow myself to heal. This pain I carry is my penalty for murdering my onii-chan, this mask; my albatross.
What is life? By dictionary standards, one of the meanings of life is the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual. To me, life is where you can watch people build and create masks that will allow them to look out for themselves, numero uno. Where the decisions we make affect us; decide our fate. This mask I have is no good, it does not draw the people to me the way Kurosaki-kun naturally does. Kurosaki-kun is so blessed; still has his family and does not have to make a mask, people don't lie to him, and will do anything to see him smile. Whereas I spend the majority of my time building this mask deep within my heart so that even my Rikka do not know how I feel. Humans, shinigami, nature... no one, nothing can be trusted. Not even can I trust myself; it's sad how far I have fallen.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I am sooo nervous! This is the first time that I actually wrote a fanfiction~! I tried my best to keep these characters in character, but sometimes it so hard~! I believe that deep down inside, Orhime has not so happy thoughts, so I just reflected on her life and inked what I believe she would think. It was so fun to think like her too; she has one interesting mind. I hope you enjoyed it and if not, please tell me why you did not. XD