Found this prompt on Phoenix Wright Kink Meme, and this immediately came to me. Forgive the cracktasticness of it, but I just couldn't resist. Please do submit reviews! (Read it first though, otherwise there may be confusion.)
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Phoenix clung to the railing for dear life, trying to focus on making his legs move and cross the bridge rather than collapsing out from under him. He watched as Maya, juvenile as ever, skipped carelessly toward the Inner Temple. He felt the bridge shake, and clutched the railing tighter.

"Nick! Are you okay?" Maya called out. Phoenix answered by sinking to his knees and whimpering. I'm an attorney, dammit, not a gymnast. Why should I have to deal with heights like this? He wanted to be a man and make it across the bridge by himself, but he already heard Maya's reluctant returning footsteps, and decided that accepting her help would be the best option.

Suddenly, Phoenix heard laughter. It was a cackle of sorts; more out of mockery than toward anything genuinely funny. He carefully lifted his head in an effort to find the owner of the voice, wanting to give them a piece of his mind, but to no avail. The only occupants of the barren bridge were himself and Maya. He stopped and listened again. Was the laughter…coming from beneath him?

Before he could check, he felt Maya's oddly strong arms under his as she tried to help him up. He brushed her off and stumbled, pointing to the boards of the bridge.

"Maya, did you hear that? There's cackling coming from beneath this bridge!" She shot him a skeptical look and reached out to grab his arm again, but froze when a voice rang out.

"Ahaha, what a pussy," the voice taunted. It was shrill and unpleasant, invoking the urge to punch someone in both people above. Phoenix and Maya exchanged a look.

"Excuse me?" Phoenix responded. Maya was pulling at his sleeve, asking for a definition of the word just used, but he was so not in the mood for that conversation. Abruptly, a horrid face popped up from the side of the bridge. It definitely wasn't human, but viciously distorted, its mouth twisted in a jeering smile.

"You heard me, spikey-head," it called. "What kind of self-respecting guy needs a chick with a topknot to help him across a bridge? Pathetic."

As usual, Maya was the one to get angry. Her face reddened and she puffed out her cheeks. "It is not a topknot! You're just some creepy little monster…" The creature turned its attention over to her, doing a violent double take.

"Whoa, lady, what is with your face?" He squinted at her. "You look only half-baked, or something." Maya furiously flung her foot in the direction of its head, but it aptly dodged and commenced poking at her leg.

"Oh, flabby. How about trying a few calf raises, sugar?"

Phoenix could tell that, if prodded any further, Maya would end up kicking a hole through the bridge, so he mustered up all the courage he could and pushed her along to other side. "It's okay, Nicky!" the thing called after them. "You know she still wants it!" It then began doing a rather obscene hip thrust, laughed manically, and disappeared back to where it had first emerged.

"Nick, what was that!" Maya spat, stomping around in the snow. "And I didn't even understand half the things it said!"

Phoenix silently thanked God for that and began to explain what they had witnessed to the girl. "Maya, there are some terribly unpleasant things in this world, one of which being that." He pointed toward the bridge and inhaled deeply.

"That thing is called a troll, Maya. Its sole purpose is to make others angry by saying offensive things. They like to start arguments and leave a trail of peeved people behind. The only way to make them stop is to ignore them completely. Okay?" He laid a comforting hand on her shoulder and she nodded, perturbed.

"It's not a topknot, Nick."

"Yes, Maya, I know."

…

The temple dwellers had enjoyed a lovely meal and continued chatting idly as plates were being cleared. Phoenix decided to bring up the question he had been pondering and turned to Sister Bikini.

"So, Sister Bikini…what is with that troll living under Dusky Bridge?"

The priestess and Iris sighed simultaneously. The former half-heartedly began to explain.

"That troll made its home there a few years ago," she said as she offered Phoenix tea, which he politely declined. "I'll never understand how it could be satisfied staying here so alone, but I imagine that with all the people we have visiting, it's as happy as a clam, sitting there and insulting anyone in view."

"Oh yeah, and it called Nick a-" Maya began, but Phoenix cut her off. "Maya! Let's not repeat what was said, alright?" He glanced nervously at Iris, most concerned about her hearing. Of course, Larry saved the moment by sharing his own trouble with the troll.

"Yeah, I heard it when I was painting by the bridge. It called my sweater ugly, a-and my hat stupid!" His eyes began to well up as he recalled the humiliating affair.

"…Seriously, Larry? That's it?" I guess that's all that was needed to get to him.

"It hurt me right here, Nick!" He pointed at his heart. "It hurts!" When he leaned over to Iris and asked her to kiss it better was when the merry party decided to call it a night, and they dispersed.

…

Phoenix was sincerely glad that Edgeworth had returned and for all the help he'd given him, but the crimson-clad gentleman began to get a little irksome.

"Edgeworth, let me come, too! If Maya-"

"I'm sorry, Wright. There are strict limits as to who can enter the Inner Temple at this point. It's not just a rescue operation; it's an investigation."

Phoenix gaped, but knew that he spoke sensibly. Iris gazed intently at the man and smiled, and she and Edgeworth made their way to the temple in hopes of unlocking it.

"I'm glad to see you listening to reason for once, Phoenix Wright." The lawyer groaned inaudibly. Not only was he practically useless at this point, but his friends had left him alone with a whip-happy filly. He smirked at his ingenious nickname for the woman but soon felt a sharp sting on his arm.

"Ow!"

"Stop looking so pleased with yourself for no reason, fool!"

"S-sorry! Just stop it!"

Meanwhile, the two slightly saner of the group had arrived at the bridge. "Right across there is the Inner Temple, Mr. Edgeworth," Iris said. The prosecutor nodded and led her across. They were stopped, however, by a most hideous chortle, and quickly looked around for the source.

"Oh, God, what a poofter!" the voice cried out, laughing harder still.

"I-I beg your pardon?" Edgeworth said, completely taken aback. The sickening face of the troll then appeared by their feet.

"You, the one in pink! Look at yourself! What's with the toilet paper hanging from your neck?" it snorted. Edgeworth scowled fiercely, and glared at the being with all his might.

"How dare you! This is a cravat of the very highest style and fashion sense; and this is a wine red-" Iris quickly grasped his arm and attempted to explain the situation, but the troll got the better of her.

"Oh hey, baby. I haven't seen you in a while. How's the anorexia going?" Poor Iris began to tear up, being quite sensitive to how slim she was. "Seriously," the troll went on, "why don't you eat something? I guess you'd probably bloat up if you did, though, right?" He puffed out his cheeks and waddled around, cackling madly at his own remarks.

"I-I'm not that thin, am I, Mr. Edgeworth?" Iris pleaded, and Edgeworth guided her away, patting her hand and assuring her that she was of a thoroughly healthy size and shape.

"Oh yeah, keep an eye on her, you fruit! Otherwise she might go throw up!" was the troll's final jeer as the two walked away. He then returned to his crevice beneath the bridge, ever so pleased with himself.

…

"Hurry up, Mr. Phoenix Wright!" Franziska hollered, whipping him from halfway across the bridge.

Oh please, not again, he mentally begged. He felt his eyesight fading before him. However, an all-too familiar voice brought him back to consciousness.

"Well look who's back!" the troll voice cried. "I thought-" He was interrupted by the crack of a whip, courtesy of the approaching Franziska von Karma.

"What do you think you're doing, you fool? Keep walking!" she said to Phoenix, threatening him with her whip yet again.

"Whoa whoa, who's this?" the troll catcalled. "That's an awfully short skirt, sweetheart. Mind if I take a peek?" The troll crawled up and grabbed her ankle, causing her to jerk about furiously.

"What is this horrible monstrosity? Release me, cretin!" she screamed, but the troll clung on. Not until she flicked her whip in his direction did the creature let go, but it at last whimpered and retreated.

"She's feisty. I'm not sure I like that, girly," he persisted. Franziska, whip at the ready, changed her murderous glare to a condescending smirk and shook a finger at the troll.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones…"she began to recite, but the troll cut her off.

"'—But whips and chains excite me.' Is that what you were thinking, hottie?" it said, and the bloodthirsty hatred returned to her eyes. She grabbed Phoenix, who had been sitting in a pitiful heap at the beginning of the bridge, by the scruff of the neck and dragged him to the temple on the other side.

The troll laughed until he choked, and then continued laughing. He had never had such fun before, and he'd be truly sorry when all these people were gone again.

…

"Mr. Godot, I-"

The criminal shook his head. "Call me Armando, Wright. That is my name."

Phoenix looked concernedly at the other man. "I'm sorry it had to end like this, Mr. Armando. I truly am."

"Ha! It's as it should be. I killed and should be imprisoned. The law is black and merciless…just like this coffee." The inmate took a long swig from a mug which had suddenly materialized in his hand. Phoenix decided not to ask.

"Just…do me one last favor, amigo," Godot turned to the attorney. "Get these officers to let me take a short trip back to that bridge. I've got some unfinished business to attend to."

Despite it being extremely illegal, Phoenix managed to convince the police to allow the convict a last visit to Dusky Bridge (after all, he had two very threatening prosecutors on his side). Soon a group of those involved was returning to the forsaken area where all the tragedies of the past few days had occurred.

They all approached the bridge solemnly, Godot and Phoenix ahead of the crowd. A shrill cry of excitement rang out by the time they had reached the rotting sign.

"Oh, boys and girls, you all came back to see me? And bearing gifts, too! Why, a tattered old hobo as a human sacrifice, you shouldn't have!" There was a muffled cry of, "Hey, pal, I'm no hobo!" from the back of the group, but it was soon silenced by the crack of a whip.

Godot sauntered closer to the sound of the troll's voice, and gestured for it to come out of hiding. It did so without a second thought.

"It's the masked grandpa! To what do I owe the pleasure?" it said, bowing. "I thought they just locked you away for cutting some lady up."

Without warning, or even a sound, Godot rose to his full height and stuck a hand in his pocket. From it, he pulled out a high caliber pistol—like his coffee, also seeming to materialize from nowhere—and aimed, point-blank, at the satanic troll's head. Its eyes widened, and before it had the chance to move or speak, he pulled the trigger.

BAM!

The troll toppled off the bridge, and there was a quiet splash as it landed in the roaring river forty feet below. Everything was silent.

"…he said my hair looked like it belonged in a senile old man's ear. No one says that to me and lives."

Godot soon felt multiple hands patting his back followed by murmurs of encouragement, and both Maya and Franziska wrapped their arms around him in a grateful embrace. Phoenix walked over to his side and placed a supportive hand on the dual-murderer's shoulder.

"You did what was best, for everyone. It had to be done." The attorney was choked up. "God knows it had to have been done."

…And there we have it. The moral of the story? Don't be a troll, and Godot is as smokin' hot as the coffee he drinks. Oh, and if you would like an image to go along with said story, try this one: http:/media. tumblr. com/tumblr_ lnnckcoz771 qik (remove the spaces). I do hope you found some enjoyment in reading. Writing it was probably more fun for me than it should have been. Review and you'll have yourself a nice reward of salty noodles, on me! :D