It's 12:20 in the morning when he reaches for his buzzing phone. He's alone in his bed due to a fight between him and his fiancé. They decided it was best for the both of them to have some space from each other for a while. And for that he is thankful when he looks at the name flashing across his phone screen. As much as he hates to admit it, Spencer is part of the reason why he and Yvonne have been fighting lately, and if she were here right now it would be so much worse.
He answers it after three rings, pulling the phone up to his ear.
"Hello?" He questions lightly. Why would Spencer be calling him this late? Maybe it's an accident.
"Hi," she says after a moment.
He can tell she sounds upset, as if she had been crying.
"Spence, what's up? Are you okay?" He asks, fully coming awake upon hearing her shaky voice.
"Um, yeah."
He hears her sniffle. "What's up?" He asks concerned.
"I…I don't even know why I called. I'm sorry."
"Wait," he chimes in before she can hang up. "You obviously called for a reason."
"I shouldn't have. I'm sorry Toby…I don't mean to intrude like this."
He senses her nervousness and is quick to reassure her. "Yvonne isn't with me," he says quickly. "And even if she was, you can always call me in an emergency. You know that." At her silence he adds, "Do you want me to come over?"
"I'm coming now," he replies, without even waiting for her answer. She called him at 12:20 in the morning; he can't remember the last time she's even called him. Something must be really wrong.
He knocks on the door to the barn timidly. He almost went to the back door of her house out of habit, before remembering she now resided in the Hastings barn.
She opens the door with an almost guilty look on her face. "Hey, thanks again for coming Toby," she smiles slightly, moving aside to let him in.
"It's no problem, really," he reassures her. As he walks toward the couch, he can see from bottle of wine and half filled glass on the coffee table that she's clearly been drinking.
"So, Sauvignon Blanc is your drink of choice, huh?" He smirks at her, attempting to lighten the mood.
"Yeah," she nods, joining him on the couch. "Helps me sleep. Although it's really letting me down tonight."
He grows more serious at her somber words and expression. "What's this about, Spence? What's keeping you up?"
"I sound so cliché and ridiculous right now," she shakes her head. "But it's everything."
He nods, "It might help if you were just a little more specific."
She sighs, turning towards him. "It's…like all of my efforts to forget the past five years, and all the progress I tricked myself into thinking I've made is completely gone. I'm right back where I started." Her eyes start filling with tears on their own accord. "With all of the A.D stuff or whoever the hell this person is…and my mom being sick… and me losing my job and then…" She pauses, turning away from him slightly. "Seeing you again." She focuses on her hands in her lap, embarrassed at her vulnerability. "I'm so pathetic…but with all of this stuff happening, I can't help but keep thinking about things that happened in high school."
He swallows, contemplating her monologue. "Spence, you went through a series of traumatic events. That stuff is never going away, no matter how hard you try. I think about everything that happened with A all of the time, and you had it so much worse."
She scoffs. "Yeah, because I lugged you along for the whole damn disastrous ride that it was."
He shakes his head and can't help himself but to let out a sarcastic chuckle. "Wow."
She whips her head back up to him. "What?"
"It's just crazy to me that I still have to convince you that being with you was exactly where I wanted to be. There was no other option for me."
She's silent at this, picking up her wine glass and bringing it up to her lips.
He clears his throat. "Coming back to Rosewood has been really hard, huh?"
"You have no idea. Everything around town reminds me of something that I never wanted to be reminded of ever again. And not to mention that history seems to be repeating itself. I feel sixteen again."
He leans back against the couch, taking in her words, his heart aching for the girl next to him. "And to think that everything was fine in DC a month ago."
"But that's the thing." She starts, placing her glass back on the table. "I wasn't doing fine in DC. I tricked myself into thinking that I was, but I was just avoiding dealing with all of the stuff that I'm being forced to deal with now. I was a ticking time bomb."
"Well, you were always an expert at looking perfectly put together on the outside, even when you were falling apart on the inside."
"But you always knew. You always knew when I wasn't okay, even when I said I was." She laughs slightly. "Which was like, 95% of the time. That drove me crazy, by the way." She shoves his arm lightly, feeling slightly better than ten minutes ago.
She switches the attention to him. "How are you dealing with things lately?"
He hesitates before confessing, "That's why I asked if you were going back to D.C soon. You being in Rosewood brings back a lot of stuff I've tried to push away. But you're right, you know. Being around your problems just forces you to confront them, which is probably better in the long run. I guess, looking back, it was never easy, but it was a whole lot easier when you Aria, Hanna, and Emily weren't here."
At her saddened expression he reassures her, "But I'm really glad you are. It's so good to see all of you. Especially you."
She looks at him for a second before passionately exclaiming, "Why are we pushing things away? I mean, we're adults. We should have the control now. How do we still not have control of our own lives?"
Toby can't help but laugh at her outburst. "How much wine have you had tonight?" he jokes, picking up the bottle to examine it jokingly. "Having control of your life is a myth, anyway. It's not possible."
"Why aren't you taking me seriously?" she urges, suddenly growing upset.
"Because you're drunk and upset about Caleb. And all the other things you have going on right now."
"I am not drunk and this is not about him at all. Caleb…Caleb was just the result of me relishing in the familiarity of it all. Someone who understood what I'd been through. Someone that had been through it too. Someone that wasn't you." She shifts her body towards him and reaches out to grab ahold of his leg. "Toby, I'm really sorry I did that to you, by the way. He's your friend and I shouldn't have."
He smiles slightly, appreciating the apology, but it really isn't necessary. "Spence, it's fine, really. Why should I get in the way if two people really want to be with each other?"
She bites her lip, debating if she should reveal what's really been going on. Words are shooting out of her mouth before her brain can even catch up.
"He's the closest I've been to feeling something, in months. Of course, it didn't compare but…I'm starting to think nothing will." She stops suddenly, realizing what she just admitted. Maybe she was a little drunk. She might as well let everything out now. She closes her eyes and admits, "Did you know that I fell apart when we broke up? And that sometimes…it still feels like I'm not all back together, no matter how hard I try?"
He swallows. They had never talked about any of this. Damn, that wine on the table is looking incredibly appetizing right now.
She continues, "I wanted to call you so many times. I did that one night, a few months after we broke up. I got really drunk and called you, but you didn't answer." She suddenly looks upset before muttering, "You used to answer all of my calls. No matter what time it was."
Toby turns to her quickly, feeling a need to defend himself. "We hadn't talked in two months and no one else was really blowing my phone up. It was 2am. I asked you why you called the next day and you said that it was an accident." If he could go back and put his phone on loud before falling asleep he would in a heartbeat. Would things have been different if he had answered his phone that night?
"Did you believe that it was an accident?"
He shakes his head. "Not at all…but I figured that if you wanted me to know, you'd tell me."
He's curious now. "What were you going to say to me if I had answered?" It was a dangerous question. He knew it. But yet, he asked it anyway.
She smiled despite of herself. "Who knows what would have come out of my drunk mouth. Probably that I missed you. I still loved you. I don't know…I could have said anything really."
"Sounds like I missed a fun night." He smiles. "I really wish I could go back in time and put my phone on loud."
"Yeah, it was a really fun night for me if I remember correctly. I spent about two hours puking my guts up."
He laughs and confesses, "I can't tell you how many times I got into my truck with the intentions of going down to see you, but I always turned around."
"Why?" She questions urgently. "Why did you turn around?"
"I guess I thought it was just better to push it aside. We broke up for a reason. There was distance. We weren't working. It was what everyone knew all along, anyway."
"What did everyone know?" She asks curiously.
He answers like it's the most obvious statement in the world. "That you deserved somebody who was a hell of a lot better than me."
"Who's everyone?" She questions, squinting her eyes at this news. "They must have left me out of that information because I have never thought this. Ever. And no one else did."
"Your parents thought it." He replies quietly.
"No they didn't." Her parents weren't too fond of Toby in the beginning of their relationship, but they had really come around to him, or so she thought they did.
He swallows before admitting, "Your dad said it."
"My dad said that you weren't good enough for me?" She questions sternly.
"In so many words. He was always asking me what my plans were after being a cop, giving me career suggestions. I can take a hint, Spence."
"Okay, but when did I ever care about what my dad thinks? It's my life, not his."
"Maybe you didn't care, but I did. He was right. He is right."
She stands up; suddenly feeling like the oxygen in the room is thinning out. "Toby, what are you talking about? I don't need some rich business man taking care of me and if you think that, then you don't know me at all."
He closes his eyes. How did they go from talking about A to this? "I know that you don't need anyone. Trust me, I know that." He pauses, "But you were always talking about me getting my degree…and-"
"Because that's what you used to say before you flipped your life upside down and became a cop because of me," she practically yells, even though he's sitting right in front of her. "You never said you wanted to be on the police force. Not once. You put your life on hold because of me. It was all because of me."
"You were my life," he defends. "I wanted to become a cop."
"Yeah, because of me. Just admit it."
"You didn't force me to do anything, Spencer. I wanted to do it, so I did. That's what happened."
She collapses back on the couch, suddenly feeling completely exhausted. "Well, I still felt guilty because it wasn't what you originally wanted to do. I still do."
He glances over at her. "Well don't. Please. I don't blame you for anything."
She returns his gaze, smiling in spite of herself. "Well this might have been good information to share with each other about three years ago."
"Yeah we were never really all that good at communicating things to each other, huh?"
"That is an understatement."
He's about to suggest they he should be heading home when her phone rings.
She tenses immediately and her breathing becomes more rapid.
"I'm here Spence," he assures her, bracing her arm.
She nods, taking a deep breath before glancing at her phone. She sighs. "It's just Melissa."
She notes his confused expression. "London time," she clarifies.
"You know I didn't even feel that scared when I opened that text," she reflects. "All this time and you're still my safe place, Toby Cavanaugh. What is your secret?"
She hadn't realized how close they were until she turned to look at him and their faces were only a few inches apart.
It's as if her eyes are magnets, he thinks, because he can't take his eyes off of hers. He hasn't been this close to her in years. He can't help but to feel a familiar shock running through his body at her closeness. His palms are getting sweaty, his mouth is getting slightly dry, and his stomach feels like he just got over a loop on a rollercoaster.
She does that thing where she looks at his lips. She always did that before she…no, this isn't right, Toby thinks. But for some force much stronger than him, he can't pull away.
She's leaning in before he can even move a muscle, and just like that, her lips touch his for the first time in three years.
He thought he was feeling electric shocks before, but this is ten times stronger and his body automatically responds to her like no time has passed. He kisses back, matching her urgency and tenderness.
Naturally, her hands find his face, putting more force into the kiss. His hands find her back and he pulls her closer.
How could he forget this jubilant feeling that was kissing Spencer Hastings? If his body's reaction is any indication, it's that he didn't forget. He was just pushing the feeling. Pushing that feeling so far down trying to forget about it, but he never did. He never could.
She opens her mouth to deepen the kiss and he blindly follows suit. It isn't until her tongue brushes his that he pulls back and stands so fast that he almost loses his footing.
His hand covers his mouth, turning away from her.
She gasps. "Toby, I'm so sorry. This wasn't my intention when I asked you to come over, I swear."
He turns back towards her and nods. "I know. It's not your fault. We both got caught up."
He shrugs on his coat. "I should get going."
He's walking to the door when he stops, remembering something. "Wait, we didn't even talk about A.D or your mom or anything."
She scoffs. "Yeah we kind of moved off topic, didn't we? It's okay, Toby, really," she assures, "You just being here made me feel a lot better. Thank you."
He watches her as she wrings her hands together nervously, and it causes him to sit back down. He can't leave her feeling guilty about this on top of everything else.
"Listen, don't feel guilty about this," He looks at her before continuing, "I've been thinking about it for weeks, and I'm actually ending things with Yvonne. I've just been waiting for the right time. With the election and stuff, it just didn't seem right to spring it on her so soon."
Spencer shakes her head, her eyes watering. She was screwing his life up again. "No. Please don't say this is because of me. I didn't-"
"It's not you Spencer," He interrupts. "You didn't do anything. It's me."
"Well, what happened?"
"I've just realized some things recently," He replies calmly.
"What things?"
"Like, that being here with you, just talking, makes me feel more than I ever have with Yvonne. Even at our best. And what you said before, about pushing things off. Just because you lived in D.C, it didn't make it okay that I still thought about you all of the damn time. But I figured out of sight, out of mind. But that's just not how it should be. It's not fair to Yvonne. Or myself. It's not fair to anyone to live that way."
She swallows. "But if I hadn't come back then you would have-"
"I probably would have proposed to Yvonne," he admits. "And it would have been the biggest mistake of my life. So thank you."
She's silent at this burst of new information, trying to wrap her head around all that he just said.
Things are awkward now and a part of him wants to tell her he'll stay. A part of him wants to lay in bed with her and play with her hair until she falls asleep, so he knows that she is in fact sleeping.
But he can't. He can't do that to Yvonne, even if he's ending things. He needs to go home and think about everything that happened tonight. He bids her goodbye and makes her promise she will call him again if she can't sleep. As he walks out of Spencer's barn and towards his truck, he can't help but smile slightly to himself at the fact that his heart is beating five times faster than normal. Isn't it funny that no matter how much time passes, some things will always stay the same?