"Santana? Santana?" Mrs Kennedy called my name from the front of the room.
I was in my usual spot at the back of the class, attempting to get some sleep through the constant chatter! How could anyone be bothered having a conversation at this time in the morning?
"Santana Lopez!" Man that lady can yell.
I looked up lazily, pushing my hair out of my face. Mrs Kennedy gave me the *Why can't you just listen for once?* look that is all to familiar.
"At your service" I smiled back at her.
We both knew the drill, she pointed to the door and I pranced off to the principal's office.
"Ahh Santana, it's still early so you were either late, sleeping in class or you've broken something. Which is it?" Principle Figgins asked, looking at me over his glasses. Figgins is a nice dude, I also appreciated the fact that he now knew my tendencies so I never really have to go into detail, I just pick an option.
"Sleeping sir" I said as I sat back in the lazy boy he had in his office.
"Can't you stay awake for one whole class Santana? Not that I don't enjoy the constant visits from you" He stated sarcastically, although he does genuinely like me.
"I try! And it's not like I get bad grades or anything? Figgins come on, skip the lecture and send me back" I said really not in the mood to be told about my flaws.
"I'm sorry kiddo" I hated when he called me that.
"Your father called and we've been discussing some options" His voice went low.
"What kind of options?" I was pissed now, if my dad was involved that means I'm gonna have to talk about myself and my feelings. I know the complete opposite of what you'd expect, but he's always been open about things and I... I haven't.
"A camp" He said getting up out of his chair and walking to the front of the desk "For troubled youth"
"Fuck off" I snapped, wishing I'd stayed awake during first period. Anything to avoid this.
"Santana I really think you should consider it, you can't keep doing this to yourself" He spoke sympathetically making my stomach churn.
"What am I doing to myself exactly? Cause as long as everyone else is minding their own business I'm perfectly fine"
"People who are perfectly fine don't do what you do"
There we go; it was only a matter of time before he brought this up.
"Why do I get the feeling were not talking about sleeping in class anymore?" I asked, anger present in my voice. I was finding it hard not to hit something, my fists clenched up. He had no right to talk to me about this, no one did. I was tempted to run out of there as I felt the tears building.
"We can't ignore what happened, and neither can you. I'm sorry but your father's word is final Santana, you're going to TYH" His words were stern and I knew this was serious. The anger from before faded and I sat there in silence. By now I would've lashed out yelling, swearing, I might've thrown something for dramatic effect. But the room remained intact and I didn't move.
"Can I leave now?" I asked quietly, not meeting his eyes.
He must've still been in shock that all hell hadn't broke loose, eventually dismissing me.
When I returned to class Mrs Kennedy kept watching me awkwardly, obviously not used to me being awake and quiet simultaneously. The same thing happened in every other class, teachers looking worried and concerned when they should be overjoyed. I did my best to shrug it off, my mind locked onto this 'camp' I'd be forced to endure. If my dad thinks sending me to a place full of counsellors, feel good activities and bonding with other 'troubled' teens is gonna turn everything around. Then he is smoking some whack shit. I'm fine, absolutely fine!
I slammed my locker shut cursing under my breath, only to be greeted with the slightly shocked but none the less amused face of Puck.
"What's got you all worked up Lopez?" He asked concerned. I'd known Puck for a few years and he was now one of my good friends. Not as close as Mercedes and I, but I'd known her forever.
"Nothing important, don't stress" I smiled at him, thankfully he dropped the subject.
"So I was wondering are you busy tonight? We could catch a movie if you like?" He looked at me innocently, but I could see the mischief in his eyes.
"Puck how many times do I have to tell you, unless you lose that" I pointed to his crotch "And grow some of these" He blushed as I now pointed to my chest "We just aren't gonna work"
We both laughed as we walked down the hall and outside.
"Hey, you two!" Mercedes yelled as she neared, embracing both of us.
We all carried on out of the front gardens and into the car park chatting aimlessly.
"You girls need a ride?" Asked Puck when we reached his car.
"No thanks, I feel like walking" I replied, laughing as they exchanged confused looks.
"And you're sure about the date" Puck winked, clearly trying to stir me up.
"I'll let you know if I change my mind, but right now I still feel like a raging homosexual" I smiled cheekily at him as he and Cedes got into the car.
"That's why I love you Lezpez!" He yelled as they drove off. I chuckled at the nickname, but my smile disappeared quickly as I began to walk home.
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I kicked a stone along with me while I walked, attempting to distract myself. It didn't work at all. I was still dreading getting home, I never felt right there. Although I guess I never felt right anywhere. I don't understand it either, the constant empty feeling that drives me to question a lot about this world.
Opening the door I stepped inside, kicking off my shoes and dropping my bag. There was no movement or talking. I sighed knowing what this meant and made my way to the living room.
"I'm home" I said bluntly, leaning against the wall. My father's head shot up, shaking him from his thoughts.
"Oh honey, how was your day?" He asked innocently. His face gave him away, it always did. I didn't answer, almost offended that he was trying to ease me into the subject.
"I take it you spoke to Mr Figgins" He sighed. I avoided his gaze, forced habit.
"I'm not going" I stated, trying to sound in control of this when I knew I'd already lost.
"I'm sorry Santana but this isn't up for debate" He stood up.
"This, is fucking bullshit!" I have no choice and I know that, but why make it pleasant?
"You'll be leaving tomorrow afternoon, San please try over there. You might actually like it?" At his suggestion of me enjoying being sent away I turned and punched the wall, leaving a reasonable hole. Ignoring the pain I wiped the specks of plaster off my hand and turned back to my dad.
"A reminder of how I feel about the situation" I said coldly, grabbing my bag and heading to my room. I didn't hear from him the rest of the night, that I was thankful for. I hated how he tried to be the perfect father now? I used to not exist in his world. Work, gambling and secretaries were what he lived for, no wonder mum left him. And he forgets to often that she left me too.
"There better be some girls at this place" I said to myself wanting to think of something other than my parents.
Girls would give me something to do. I mean I'm not like a slut or anything, I just like girls.. a lot.
I went into my bathroom to take off my makeup, examining my tanned complexion before stopping at my eyes. They're dark hazel with a ring of honey, just like my mother. I didn't hate her for leaving; I was an accident, a teenage mishap. She still raised me as best she could, but when everything happened with dad she couldn't take it anymore. As much as it hurts I understand, well I think I do. Best not to dwell on it otherwise that's just another problem I don't need.
Flicking the lights off and finding my bed I cuddled into the pillows, draping the sheets over me. Maybe it won't be that bad? All I have to do is survive it. It's not like this place actually has a chance with me, I'm a lost cause although I seem to be the only one aware of it.
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"Santana! Get up!" Must everyone yell at me? I moved my hand around on my bed grabbing the first pillow I found.
"I'm serious Santana!" He shouted. Although the pillow was now conveniently smothering my ears I could still here him. Closing my eyes I listened to my heartbeat. Wanting nothing more than to fade away, just completely disappear. Why did everyone have to have a problem with that?
The bang on my door ripped me from my thoughts. I got up annoyed and ready to yell, my usual preparation before dealing with my father.
"You said afternoon, it is not the afternoon so what do you want?" I shouted while opening the door. I crossed my arms as he took a step back.
"Mercedes called earlier, asked if you could meet her at 11 on the footy field. And you need to start packing, you'll be picked up at 3" He said handing me a suitcase.
"Lovely" I smiled sarcastically, taking the case and slamming the door.
I just rolled my eyes not bothering to face him when I heard it open again, instead moving to my closet.
"Santana don't hate me for this" His voice was soft. I breathed out heavily throwing more clothes near the suitcase.
"The hate began way before this" I replied.
"I understand that bu-"
"Then why try? Why bother?" I cut him off. My voice cracked, I was now fending off tears.
"You are my daughter, I love you and after" He stopped "I'm not losing you"
"You don't get to decide when I mean something to you and when I don't! So don't use the 'I love you' crap" I gripped the frame of the bed as I yelled. I wanted to scream at him till my voice was gone, I wanted him to feel what he made me feel.
"Santana I've made some bad mistakes in my life, and I'm sorry, but they were my choices and have nothing to do with you"
" Nothing to do with me? You best be fucking joking!" The anger that arose quickly was now pressing uncomfortably against my chest "If you can get off the hook with that pathetic excuse then so can I, so stay the fuck out of my mistakes!"
"You almost took your own life!" He shouted " Twice! That's not a mistake Santana its serious, you can't turn around and learn from it because you won't fucking be here!"
Tears streamed down both our cheeks. I'd never heard him say it allowed like that, in fact unless I count the professionals I'd never heard anyone say it. I felt winded. All the reasons of why I do and don't want too flooded my mind just like in the hospital. Nothing ever became clearer, it just created an unbearable ache.
"Jesus Santana, we have to try something okay?" I heard him sob.
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When he left the room I sat on the floor leaning against the bed, I pulled my legs close holding myself tightly. I've told a different reason to every counsellor I saw, some were lies while others had a hint of truth. Eventually I wouldn't even talk during the sessions. I had reasons to be upset, depressed even, but still I never see them as my 'motivation' as one lady had called it.
I can't even explain it to myself yet so how can I explain it to anyone else? Emptiness, that's as far as I get every time.
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I picked at the grass while I waited for Mercedes. She knew I was going away, Figgins probably told her. I had wanted to tell her myself but was hoping there was still a way out of it. I smiled and waved as I saw her coming over. She collapsed next to me worn out from school, I joined her laying back and soaking up the sun.
"It's some youth camp" I explained to her when she asked what was up. And after bagging the crap out of it we lay in a comfortable silence. Mercedes and I had never spoken about my 'attempts'. I'm not sure if that was on purpose or not, but I never felt like talking about it and she never seemed to either. Although unsure of how she'd react, I decided now was probably the only time deemed okay to bring it up.
"Dad thinks it'll stop me from... Um" I hesitated not knowing how to put it. Bluntly didn't feel right, but was there any other way?
"I know what you mean it's okay" Her eyes seemed distant as she spoke "It scares me you know, losing you. I don't know if I could" She looked at me and I looked away, every word she said filling me with a painful guilt.
"God dammit S, please look at me!" I turned back to her and was pulled into a hug.
"Promise me you'll try" She whispered.
"I promise" I replied in the same hushed tone.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
A five hour bus ride later and I was standing outside the camp grounds staring up at the sign. Discovering TYH meant 'Troubled Youth Home'.
"Wow creative name" I scoffed.
"The place is better than the name, trust me" I heard in a British accent, turning behind me to see a stunning, short haired blonde girl. Her smile was sweet and her green eyes sparkled. For a troubled teen she didn't look so troubled.
"I'm Quinn, Quinn Fabray" She smiled extending her hand. I took an immediate liking to her, she seemed genuine and easy to be around. Someone I'd definitely need here.
"Santana Lopez" I smiled back shaking her hand.
"Well judging by the amount of time you've been staring at the front of this place I'm guessing your a first timer?" Picking up her bags as she spoke she walked into the camp, I nodded and hesitantly followed.
Scanning the area I noticed people scattered everywhere, laughing and talking. Paths to the left of the entrance leading amongst the cabins, whilst those to the right took you to what looked like an eating hall and activity buildings. The scenery was actually quite nice, lush green foliage in and around and I could see a small lake towards the back.
"So what do we do?" I asked still surveying the scene cautiously.
"We meet in the common room, then you choose your roommate" She replied.
"But I don't know anyone" I felt nerves kick in the further we walked.
"Did that handshake and exchange of the names mean nothing? I'll be your roommate" She nudged me grinning, I wonder if everyone here is as nice as her. I wanted to say thanks but I think she understood my appreciation because she just continued on as happy as ever.
"Is that all?" I began my questions again.
"Nope then you get your letter assigning you your 'Pal'"
My face contorted in confusion.
"Basically people weren't opening up to counsellors so they created Pals" She explained not waiting for me to ask her "There are still counsellor sessions but your pal is just another kid from here who you spend most of your time with, hanging out or doing activities to find yourself for example"
Great. Now I have to find myself, why on earth would I want to do that?
"Can't you just be my Pal?" I pleaded.
"Wish I could sweetie but they assess and assign each kid before we get here, I'm afraid we have no say" She squeezed my shoulder lightly "Don't worry you're gonna be fine"
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When we arrived at our cabin we unpacked, Quinn had tried asking a few more personal questions but stopped after realizing I wasn't much for sharing.
I was sitting on the veranda when she came out to join me, handing me my letter.
"Yes! I got Joe" Quinn squealed after reading hers. She had told me about him earlier, he's a year or two older than us and from what she said sounded like a decent guy. I got the feeling Quinn fancied him a little but she just laughed and denied it when I asked her.
"Well come on, open it up" She pointed to the envelope.
I didn't really want to; I'm not ready to spill my thoughts to some 'Pal'. But I had promised Cedes I'd try, so I guess this is a start.
"Brittany S Pierce" I read out, and then set the letter down on the table.
"What?" I asked Quinn, who stared at me with a smirk and a glint in her eye.
"Don't worry, uh, I have to go find a friend" With that she was off.
I relaxed into the chair, shaking my head. What am I doing here? And what's so special about Brittany S Pierce?