Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me and blah, blah, don't sue,
blah, blah, bill for legal fees, blah, blah, blah, nuclear devastation,
blah, blah, blah, you guys know the rest. The plot itself is… technically
not mine, but should any motion picture makers care to use it, I'm sure
that I can find some way to get money for it. Anywho….
This is my script for a hypothetical Tenchi Muyo! live-action movie, including, for no additional charge, my ideal casting. Bonus points shall be awarded if you figure out who plays whom before the final credits.
Yes, I know that the casting isn't Japanese. This was done for a number of reasons. Firstly, I'm trying to capture the look of the Anime, including the abnormally huge eyes. CGI should be able to help with that. Secondly, it's not likely that a major entertainment company would be willing to distribute a movie with an entirely-Asian cast unless it was a martial-arts and/or rubber-suit monster movie. I also don't know any Asian actors that would fit the part and speak English well enough to carry a movie without dubbing.
It's based mostly upon the first 6 episodes of the OAV, except with a few changes that I don't want to give away and bits from other OAV episodes and the TV shows. It'll also tie in with the other spin-offs, so that I can cover them in the sequel(s).
Now, put down your flamethrowers and enjoy.
**************************************************************************** ****************
FADE IN:
1. CREDITS SEQUENCE
[A shot of outer space, with CGI effects based on shots from the Hubble. We pan/zoom gracefully towards the solar system. The music to "I'm a Pioneer" plays.]
SUPER TITLE:
Warner Bros. and Pioneer Entertainment present:
A Don McLeod (Me) Production
of a Donald McLeod (Also me) film
Directed by Donald R. McLeod (Take a wild guess)
[As the music gets to the good bit, several stars outline Japanese characters, which appear, glowing bright and red and larger than galaxies. There's a dramatic musical buildup as the characters rearrange themselves like giant kanji transformers, turning into their English translation.]
TENCHI MUYO!
The Movie
Not Tenchi Muyo in Love, but a new one.
You're smart, I'm sure you'll figure it out.
Featuring (In Alphabetical Order):
Hank Azaria
Lacey Chabert
John Cleese
Debi Derryberry
Cameron Diaz
Sarah Michelle Gellar
Mako
Julianne Moore
Taylor Momsen
Gary Oldman
Julia Sawallah
Elijah Wood
With:
Sean Astin
Chris Barrie
Petrea Burchard
Jennifer Darling
Ellen Gerstell
Mark Hamill
Jay Hopper
Phil LaMarr
Sherry Lynn
Matt K. Miller
Leonard Nimoy
Michael Scott Ryan
William Shatner
and
K. T. Vogt
Based on the Anime by Masaki Kajishima and the associated spin-offs.
We'll try not to screw it up.
[As we come into the solar system a voice, full of awe, is heard.]
VOICE: Space. I can never get over it. Full of wonders, full of strange mysteries. Every time I see it, I'm amazed. I can't help but think, "Are we really alone?"
[By this point, the space-o-vision cam has reached the Earth, and views it with the sun directly at us, so that the Earth is in shadow and appears to be the pupil of an eye, an eye big enough for a God.]
VOICE: *sigh* It's got to be better than here.
[The "eye" pushes the limits of metaphor by blinking. Zoom out at extreme speeds to see that we're actually…]
2. INT. A SHINTO SHRINE – THAT MOMENT
[…looking at the face of a young man, about 17, with unruly black hair and a rat-tail, brown eyes and tanned skin, rooting through a low desk near an open window. He wears running shoes, blue jeans, a red t-shirt and a light blue work shirt tied at the waist with the sleeves rolled up. His name is Tenchi Masaki, and he is Our Hero.]
TENCHI: Come on, Tenchi. There's no time for that, now. If Grandpa gets back to the shrine before I'm done here….
[His voice fades as we zoon in on the window, and out again to...]
3. EXT. THAT SAME SHRINE IN JAPAN – A MOMENT LATER – NIGHT
[The shrine consists of a few buildings in a cobbled clearing in a forest atop a hill. Off to one side are a cave and the burial marker for Tenchi's mother, Achika, who will not be appearing. Yet. A long stairway set into the hill leads down, mostly by default. An old man, looking to be in his late 70's, comes up said stairs and into the courtyard. He has a rather long ponytail, and wears glasses and traditional white kimono and hakama,. He is Katsuhito, Tenchi's Grandfather.]
KATSUHITO: Tenchi? Tenchi!
[He looks around, noticing the recently discarded broom and half–swept courtyard.]
KATSUHITO: Now where could that boy be?
4. INT. THE SHRINE – A MOMENT LATER
[Tenchi's still rooting through the desk. Beside him is a pile of assorted things, including a flashlight, a miniature squid, a plush Ryo-Okhi doll, a Victoria's Secret catalogue with the words "Property of Nobuyuki" written on it in Japanese, a Ranma ½ magna, a blue paperback novel with a red infinity symbol and several other in-jokes to be worked out later. Tenchi is still looking through the desk, getting very frustrated.]
TENCHI: Where did the old man put it?
[There is a noise and Tenchi turns. From his POV, we see the door open and close, with nobody there.]
KATSUHITO (O.S): Looking for this?
[Tenchi gives a yelp and recoils in surprise, his eyes as wide as saucers (O_O) [Thanks to the miracle of CGI]. Whip-pan over to see Katsuhito standing in front of the desk holding a ring with one key on it. An Anime sweatdrop appears on Tenchi's forehead.]
TENCHI: Grandpa! W-w-what a surprise!
KATSUHITO: Tenchi, you know that it's forbidden even for me to enter the inner shrine. But, since your heart's set on it, I'll make you a deal. If you can take this key from me, well, I won't be able to stop you.
TENCHI: I'll get that key, Grandpa – [He appears to faintly glow white as he attacks.] –if it's the last thing I ever do!
[Katsuhito sticks out his hand at just the right moment to catch Tenchi's fist and trips him, sending him flying headfirst through the closed door.]
*CRASH!*
KATSUHITO: You still have things to learn, Tenchi. Get back to work.
[He leaves.]
CUT TO:
5. INT. THE CLOSET – A MOMENT LATER
[Tenchi's head is sticking out of the door. He appears dazed for a moment, then smiles, revealing the key in his teeth. As Tenchi pulls himself out, we wipe with him to…]
6. EXT. THE COURTYARD AROUND THE SHRINE – A MOMENT LATER - NIGHT
[The dark shape of Tenchi streaks across the courtyard and enters the cave. Katsuhito steps out from the shadows, smiling knowingly.]
CUT TO:
7. INT. THE CAVE – NIGHT
[The cave is the standard long-corridor-made-of-rock deal, only it has large bars and a door set into it, as one might find in a prison. Tenchi, holding a flashlight, stares through the door.]
TENCHI: Man…it's been so long since I've been in here…
[Ripple-y flashback thingy effect to:]
8. INT. THE CAVE - DAY
[It's now, or it was then, or it is then or…well, you get the idea, it's about 10 years earlier, and a Chibi Tenchi, identically dressed, stares through the bars.]
KATSUHITO (O.S): Tenchi!
[The Chibi Tenchi stiffens in shock and turns to see his grandfather, looking exactly the same, even though he's 10 years younger.]
TENCHI: Grandpa! I…I wasn't…
[Katsuhito walks up to Tenchi.]
KATSUHITO: Tenchi, what are you doing here?
[He kneels down so that they can talk face-to-face.]
KATSUHITO (CONT.): You know that you're not allowed to go in there.
[Tenchi's really scared now.]
TENCHI: B-b-b-b-but…
[Katsuhito, like all grandparents, fills in the Blank.]
KATSUHITO: But why not?
[Tenchi nods.]
KATSUHITO: Because, Tenchi, a Demon sleeps here.
TENCHI: A demon?
[Katsuhito nods]
Katsuhito: It's about time you were told. Now, listen very carefully, for what I'm about to tell you really happened…
[Katsuhito's story is illustrated in the style of – ]
9. A TRADITIONAL HAND-PAINTED SCROLL (KATSUHITO'S STORY)
KATSUHITO (V.O. in a "I'm trying to scare someone half to death" voice): Long, long ago, in a land not to far away, a demon appeared out of the sky, clad in flames with destruction as her transport.
[Something spiky and flaming crashes into the earth, leaving a large crater.]
KATSUHITO (CONT.): The demon wreaked havoc on the world, defeating even the strongest of armies.
[The focus of the scroll is a female-looking reptilian thing with glowing yellow eyes, large, squared ears and several spikes coming out of the back of its head. Some strange red energy comes from her hands. The pictures show it killing things, demolishing buildings, carrying off men, decapitating samurai, etc., etc.]
KATSUHITO (CONT.): All hope for survival was lost. Until one man appeared: the warrior known as Yosho.
[Painted on the scroll is a man, in feudal dress, riding a flying white stallion into a body-strewn battlefield and wielding glowing sword – NOT A LIGHTSABER!!!! It's more like a…a Lightkatana. He is Yosho, and he looks just enough like Tenchi that you'd notice. Not that we're suggesting anything! Heh heh heh…]
KATSUHITO (CONT.): Yosho was the greatest warrior of his age, and all men spoke of his prowess. He wielded a magic sword, the Tenchiken¸ a sword that was strong enough to cut through stone.
YOSHO (V.O.): Begone demon, and return to the pit of hate from whence you came!
KATSUHITO (CONT.): He said, as he rode into battle, but the demon was unafraid and attacked.
[The demon and Yosho are locked in combat. Several loud grunts and Godzilla yells can be heard.]
KATSUHITO (CONT.): They battled for days and days, stopping not for food nor drink nor rest. On the fifth day, however…
[Yosho holds his sword to the demon's throat.]
YOSHO (V.O.): Now, foul beast, return to your hell!
[There's an unpleasant fleshy sound effect as we do a camera trick to make it look like the demon is having a rather painful tonsillectomy.]
KATSUHITO (CONT.): The people knew that evil such as the Demon's would not remain dead for long, and sealed the body up inside this very cave.
[Several priests and other miscellaneous religious people encase the body in a tomb.]
KATSUHITO (CONT.): To protect the people, it was guarded by the same magic that killed it: The Tenchiken.
[Yosho places the sword in a shrine, as we dissolve to…]
10. INT. THE CAVE (FLASHBACK) – NIGHT
[Tenchi is looking at his grandfather like a huge, spiky demon thing might appear behind him. "Him" meaning Katsuhito, not Tenchi.]
KATSUHITO: That man, Tenchi, was your ancestor and the founder of the Masaki shrine. Ever since that day, it has been the solemn duty of the Masaki family to keep this shrine, and see that the demon does not escape. Never forget the meaning of your name, Tenchi: "Heaven and Earth". Your name gives you power, and that power will be needed, for one day, the fate of this Demon shall be in your hands.
[The word "hands" echoes as we ripple back to the present.]
11. INT. THE CAVE – NIGHT
[If you thought TENCHI was scared in the flashback, he's about ready to need a new pair of shorts now. He's got the huge eyes, the sweatdrops, the bulging veins and those little white specks floating around his head.]
TENCHI: Awwh, what did people know back then, anyways? They'll write down almost anything! There's nothing to worry about in this cave! Ha ha!
[A wind blows from inside the cave, sounding ominously like the word "Wrong".]
TENCHI (CONT.): Shut up! What do you know!
[He unlocks the door and opens it, slowly. The door creaks as it opens, the kind of creak that takes hours of work on damp afternoons with a turkey baster full of water to achieve. All the while, Tenchi is panicking, casting mad glances at the entrance, all the while expecting his Grandpa to jump out and yell "BOO!". A rather large Anime Sweatdrop™ appears in the usual manner and remains after the door opens.]
12. INT. DEEPER IN THE CAVE
[Tenchi continues on into the cave, a big, brave, but most of all fake smile on his face and eyes the size of grapefruit.]
TENCHI: It's just a cave, Tenchi, just a cave. Nothing-scary here, no, no sir. N-no demons, here, haha!
[Tenchi's foot dislodges some gravel, which clatters down the gently sloped passageway.]
TENCHI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! The demon! The demon!
[And they're off!!! And he would have made it too, if he didn't accidentally run the wrong way. But, that would be a very short movie, wouldn't it? He doesn't realize his mistake until he falls flat on his face. Tilt down to the ground to see that he tripped over a 2-foot-tall Marker stone, reading something in Japanese.]
SUBTITLE: Inner Shrine – Please Watch your Step
12. INT. THE INNER SHRINE
[The Inner Shrine has all the Shrineishness and Caveosity as a Shrine in a cave possibly can. A boulder hangs from vines above the cave entrance, a small wooden shrine sits on a rock and the market stone just sits there, apparently pleased that someone finally tripped over it after a 700 year wait.]
TENCHI: Must've…*pant, pant*…must've run the…*Owie*…the wrong way.
[As he gets up, Tenchi notices the small wooden shrine. Out of curiosity and a sense of destiny, opens the doors. (Insert Dramatic Music here) Inside, he sees a wooden sword hilt, with the blade buried in rock *cough*Arthurian Legend*cough*. The end of the hilt is rounded with three small gems set into it, and the part that you actually hold it with is wrapped with white linen.]
TENCHI: It's here!
[He grabs the Hilt of the sword and tries to pull it out. He doesn't have much success *cough*Freudian Metaphor*cough*.]
TENCHI (CONT.): Urrgh...the sword that can cut through stone…*pant*…It's really here, comeonyoustupidlittle–
[At the exact moment when he would lose his balance if the sword were to come free, the predictable happens.]
TENCHI: WAAUGH!
[Told you. ^_^. Tenchi, muttering unpleasant things about swords and marker stones, tries to pull it out of its sheath, with slightly more success than the pulling-sword-from-stone trick. As he removes it and holds it up to the flashlight, we see the light completely fail to glint off of the blade, since it's completely encrusted with rust. Tenchi's eyes narrow into exasperated slits.]
TENCHI: *This* is the sword that could cut through stone? [Beat] Well, he *did* say that it was magic…
[Tenchi spies the Marker stone that he tripped over and decides to extract a pointy reckoning. He raises the Sword over his head, brings it down with one fluid motion and…the blade shatters. Tenchi, as per the prevalent physical law, Facefaults.]
TENCHI: Ow…Grandpa's gonna kill me for this...
[He raises his head and he sees the stone split in half.]
TENCHI: Wow!
[A low rumbling noise is heard, and he sits up in time to see the boulder suspended from vines grind unstoppably down, blocking the only way out. Tenchi runs over and reaches it second after it touches down.]
TENCHI: Aahh! Oh, *man*! [Leans against the rock] Now what am I going to do? Think, Genius!
[He looks up and notices that the rock wall on the other side of the room him has opened, revealing a passageway. A light shines from within.]
TENCHI: Hey! Light! This could be a way out! I'll just follow this passagewaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy------!!!
[In addition to the laws of physics, there also are the laws of comedy, and they are acting very strongly on this universe. And so, as Tenchi speaks this line, he steps into a puddle, slips, hits his head on the ceiling, falls down a rather long, sloped tunnel, lands painfully and gets hit on the head by the sword.]
TENCHI: Ow…not my day…what the…
[Rotate-pan around Tenchi's head to see…]
13. INT. THE INNER, INNER SHRINE
[The room is circular and dominated by a glowing round orb in the center. The floor has a pattern of slightly raised areas and the lower parts are filled with water.]
TENCHI: Oh, it's just a…a huge glowing orb.
[As he walks toward the pool, the gems on the sword hilt begin glowing and the orb dissipates, leaving nothing but a pool. Tilt down to see a decaying mummy, somewhat resembling the demon in the story. We'll call it the Demon, for now]
TENCHI: Wow… The legends…
[He kneels down to the pool, and his hand is grabbed – by the Demon's. The mummy opens its eyes, which glow an unearthly gold.]
DEMON [Gravelly, old, dusty]: Ten…chi…
[It reaches up with a claw and stokes Tenchi's [O_o, with a large sweatdop] cheek while he babbles incoherently. The Demon tries to take him in her arms, but the sword flashes blue, sending her/it flying across the room. Tenchi, startled back into some semblance of sense, reacts as any logical human would…]
TENCHI (O_O): YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
[
...and runs up the slope in sped-up motion.]
TENCHI (Thinking): Idon'twannadieIdon'twannadieIdon'twannadieIdon'twannadieIdon'twannadie!
14. INT – THE OUTER INNER SHRINE.
[Still in sped-up motion, he reaches the INNER SHRINE and tries to push the boulder back together, to no avail.]
TENCHI: Wait—the marker!
[He ties the two halves of the marker stone together with a handy vine. Sure enough, the boulder closes, the slab opens and Tenchi bolts.]
TENCHI: I'm going back home and I'm doing as many chores as Grandpa says!
15. INT – THE INNER, INNER SHRINE – LATER
[The demon pulls itself out of a demon-shaped dent in the wall and rubs at the large, white bandage that had appeared on her head. She realizes that there is a shortage of Tenchi, and opens her mouth wider than normally possible and screams in rage. It's interrupted midway by her jaw falling off.]
16. EXT – THE MASAKI SHRINE – A MOMENT LATER
[Helicopter shot of the shrine grounds, taking in a house, a lake and the shrine itself. We stop, however, at none of these, and instead focus on a giant tree, draped with shimenawa and growing on an island in the center of a small pond. One of the leaves starts to glow and sends a beam of light into the pond. Another follows suit. And another and another, until the whole of the tree and the pond is aglow. Finally, as if waiting for something, light shoots up from the pond in a never-ending cylinder, spreading like a film on the edge of the atmosphere, as if searching for something. Eventually, it coalesces into a ball and shoots off into space, leaving only a bright flash of light.]
17. INT – TENCHI'S ROOM – A MOMENT LATER
[Tenchi, in bed, grunts and turns over.]
18. EXT – SPACE – SOME TIME LATER
[Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of…no, sorry, wrong show. Instead, of the familiar shape of the Enterprise, we see a thick reddish-black disk surrounded by artistically carved wood, giving the overall effect of something that should be in a display case somewhere instead of something designed for deep space transport, but it somehow manages. In the main disc-shaped thing is a miniature landscape complete with a high, domed view port letting in the starlight.]
19. INT – THE SHIP – THAT MOMENT
[Directly under the center is a similar tree in a circular pond, almost indistinguishable from the one on Earth. A beam of light hits the dome, spreads out and does that cylinder-pond-tree thing in reverse. The tree sends out another beam towards a bank of receptors artistically incorporated into a low wall surrounding it. At the bridge [It's raised, has control panels and is facing a viewing screen, it's got to be the bridge.] stand 2 wooden robots. Well, technically they're robots, even though they look like carved, 6-foot-tall pillars. They rest on 3 short legs and have their names, in Jurian, panted on the front. The one on the right has the Jurian for "Azaka" in blue and the one on the left has the Jurian for "Kamidake" in red. Each has a circular light near the top, which flashes when they speak, in the same colors as their name.]
AZAKA (To Kamidake, deep voice): We're receiving a priority message from Earth.
KAMIDAKE (To Azaka, higher-pitched voice): Great…whose turn is it to wake up the Princess?
AZAKA: I did it last time. It's your turn now.
KAMIDAKE: No, because the turn before that was yours, but I agreed to wake her up because you let me borrow that mahogany stain of yours when we had the date with those two elms. The balance is evened out, so it's your turn.
AZAKA: But Kamidake, you know what she's like when she doesn't get her sleep. I've still got a mark [Turns to show a patch of pruning paint on his side.] from last time.
KAMIDAKE: It's still your turn.
AZAKA: That doesn't seem fair. How about we play rock, scissors, [Looks around to see that nobody's watching, then whispers.] paper? [Normally] Loser has to wake her up.
KAMIDAKE: Azaka, neither of us has hands.
AZAKA: Then who's flying the ship?
KAMIDAKE: It always goes on autopilot during the night.
AZAKA: You mean I could have been sleeping for the past 6 hours?
[Kamidake summons a large, wooden mallet, attached to his side by a swivel joint, into being.]
KAMIDAKE: Azaka…
AZAKA: Okay, okay! I get the –OOMF! [Gets hit on the head…um…on the top by a large wooden mallet.]
[Pan down the mallet shaft to his attacker, a woman in her early 20's, with royal purple hair in a style reminiscent of Darth Vader's helmet. 2 short plaits hang down in front of her ears and two much longer plaits hang down to her ankles, tapering out as they go. On her head but obscured by her hair is what appears to be a wooden tiara or headband. Her eyes are a lighter shade of purple than her hair and she wears a dressing gown that is, you guessed it, purple. Azaka & Kamidake both sweatdrop.]
WOMAN (British accent): Some of us are *trying* to sleep!
AZAKA & KAMIDAKE: Good morning, Princess Ayeka! [They snap to attention, which is easy since they're made of wood.]
AZAKA: W-we've received a priority message from Earth.
AYEKA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, what is it!?!
KAMIDAKE: The space pirate Ryoko [A wanted poster, with a picture of a fleshed-out version of the mummy in an exciting outfit holding a weapon larger than she is, on it appears on the main screen.], wanted for destruction of planets: 38 counts, murder: 110,000,000 counts, grand larceny: 42000 counts, illegal parking—
AYEKA: You woke me up for this?
AZAKA (Sweatdropping): N-n-no, your highness, we awoke to tell you that she has been located on the planet Earth, [The viewscreen picks a star out of dozens and brings up a display of the solar system.] a D2 class planet in the Sol system.
AYEKA: Earth? What a stupid name for a planet. Is that even part of the Jurain Empire?
KAMIDAKE: It's in the protected zone, your highness; travel is restricted except to the most serious of conditions.
AZAKA: There's a small probability that Crown Prince Yosho might still be alive on Earth, if his ship is still intact.
AYEKA: Well then, it's settled. Azaka, Kamidake, set course for Earth.
[Azaka and Kamidake talk in hushed voices to each other, with the occasional "You tell her!" heard above the quiet. Finally, they turn back to Ayeka.]
AZAKA: But your highness! Jurain law clearly states that the protected-
AYEKA: Do you consider the rescuing of my brother to be anything *less* than the most serious of conditions!?!
AZAKA & KAMIDAKE (Sweatdropping): No, your highness!
AZAKA: Setting course now!
KAMIDAKE: Estimated arrival time in 24 hours!
AYEKA: *Sigh* I'm going back to bed…If you actually accomplish anything, wake me up. Lousy government-funded bodyguards…[Walks off.]
AZAKA: Why didn't we get assigned to Sasami…?
KAMIDAKE: It's Karma, that's what it is.
20. EXT – SPACE – LATER
[Meanwhile, in a completely different yet identical part of Space…. We see a gleaming metallic construct, of such flair and general purposelessness that it appears to have been designed by Ray Charles and built by Jim Varney. Big giant metal rings are involved. The logo of the Galaxy Police is plastered on the side in a big, glowing, "Look at me, look at me, I'm a target!" style.]
21. INT – GP HQ – THAT MOMENT
[Inside, there is a huge amount of bustling activity in the traditional space station way. We pan down the corridor until we come to a door reading "Commissioner Kajishima" in twenty-five different languages, most of them not from Earth.]
22. INT – THE COMMISSIONER'S OFFICE – THAT MOMENT
[The police commissioner, an odd, humanoid animal-thing in a uniform sits at his desk working through a mountain of paperwork until the Computer buzz- flashes.]
COMPUTER: You've got mail!
COMMISSIONER: On screen!
[The image of an older man in a flashier uniform appears on the holographic monitor. Above his image are the words:
From: Grand Marshal Kuramitsu
To: Commissioner Kajishima
Subject: Space Pirate Ryoko]
GRAND MARSHAL: Greetings commander Kajishima. We have just received word from Jurai that the A-1 class criminal Ryoko [A wanted poster of Ryoko appears onscreen briefly.] has escaped from the third planet in Jurai system 842, coordinates 67-19-85, a backwater D2 class planet called Earth. [An orbital picture of Earth appears.] Send someone down there to investigate. I would recommend that they not engage the space pirate in combat unless they enjoy having their internal organs removed via their nostrils. Kuramitsu out.
[The image flashes away. Almost immediately, there is a buzzing at the door.]
COMMISSIONER: Come.
[The door swooshes open and Police Chief Dack enters, carrying a tray with a cup of a coffee-ish liquid on it.]
DACK: Coffee, sir? [Sets tray on desk.]
COMMISSIONER: Thank you, number one. [Sips coffee.] Dack, tell me, who do we have stationed closest to system 842?
DACK: That would be detective first-class Mihoshi Kuramitsu, sir.
[He ducks to avoid the stream of hot coffee from the commissioner's mouth.]
COMMISSIONER: Mihoshi??! What in space is she doing there?!
DACK: You told me to station her there, sir. Your exact words were "Put here somewhere so that when she screws up, nobody will be able to complain", sir.
COMMISSIONER (-_-): Oh. Right.
DACK: With all due respect, sir, she is an excellent detective, and the Grand Marshall's granddaughter.
COMMISSIONER: Yes, but her performance record is worse off than an inner- city middle school. Why do you think that I've always got this much paper on my desk? Every single one of these damage claims and misconduct reports is her fault! I haven't worked on anything else since I got here. It's been a week since I left this office. For all I know, my wife could be having an affair with the Emperor. (*sigh*) Who's her partner? Will she be able to help Mihoshi carry out the mission without smashing into a planet again?
DACK: We were lucky that time. There was only one inhabited planet in the system and they thought that it was a comet.
COMMISSIONER: She was probably attracted to the pretty colors.
DACK: Anyway, the point is moot, sir, since you've just assigned her partner, Miss Kiyone Mabi, to Operation Souja. If I recall, she was quite insistent to get away from Mihoshi. Speaking of which, how's the arm doing?
COMMISSIONER: The doctor says that I should be able to play tennis again in a few weeks.
DACK: You wouldn't think she was that strong just by looking at her. Anyway, Mihoshi's shuttle has been equipped with a prototype computer, the, Yukinojo. However, it is entirely subservient to Mihoshi and would provide as much help as a hammer made of white chocolate. Still it's an improvement over the earlier model, the Mechanical Android Responsible for Violence and Randomized Nullification.
COMMISSIONER: The what?
DACK: The M.A.R.V.I.N., sir. Half of the production run committed suicide within the first week. Then the military transferred the rest here.
COMMISSIONER: I try to forget what happened after that. Is there anyone else that I could assign to Mihoshi's system?
DACK: Negative, sir. Soon after she was relocated there, all other officers within the sector spontaneously decided to become monks. Including several women, sir. A routine investigation into this might be good for her. It should keep her out of trouble for a while.
[The Commissioner sighs]
COMMISSIONER: It appears that she is the best that we've got. Make it so.
23. EXT – SPACE - LATER
[Somewhere in the outer fringes of the Solar System, a completely different starship cruises through the blackness of space. It's typical of most of the ships one finds in outer space: Metallic, gleaming, covered with little dealiemajobs of ambiguous purpose and about as phallic as a skyscraper owned by Pfizer.]
24. INT – SHUTTLE COCKPIT – THAT MOMENT
[The cockpit of the spaceship would look sleek, sophisticated and futuristic, if it wasn't for all the Romance novels, plush toys, assorted feminine things that I don't understand, and the big fuzzy dice hanging from the viewscreen. There is a flicker and the holomonitor activates, showing Dack reading from a paper.]
DACK: Greetings, fist-class screw---Detective Mihoshi. We have received word that –
[He Looks up for the first time and notices Mihoshi's absence.]
DACK (CONT.): Mihoshi?
[The screen pivots around the room, seeing if she's lost somewhere amongst all the junk.]
DACK [CONT.]: Mihoshi?
25. INT. – MIHOSHI'S BEDROOM – A MOMENT LATER
[Mihoshi is an attractive woman in her late 20's, with tan skin, poofy blonde hair tied up and back, large blue eyes, and rounded pointy ears. She reclining on her bed, watching a cartoon and drinking coffee. When she opens her mouth, we see that she has small fangs. A small gem on her bracelet starts flashing.]
MIHOSHI: A call? Ohh, why now?
[She looks at the bracelet like you would a watch, accidentally spilling her coffee on her lap, causing the typical reaction. In layman's terms, she ran around screaming. As she attempts to wipe up her spill, she causes a shelf full of small objects to fall on her.]
26. INT. – THE COCKPIT – THAT MOMENT
[The image of Dack is waiting rather impatiently as loud bumps and other interesting noises combined with the voice of Mihoshi giving the impression that something very interesting is going on without actually showing anything. This lasts for a minute or two, until the door opens, revealing Mihoshi in a hastily-put-on Galaxy Police uniform (Think of a futuristic police uniform) with a large sweatdrop on her forehead.]
MIHOSHI: I'm here! I was attending to important business, but I'm on-duty and ready to go now, yes sir!
[Dack sighs, in a "Why Me?" manner.]
DACK: Detective Mihoshi, you're supposed to be on-call at all times of the day. Now, I realize that you're out here in the protected zone, but…
[Dack's voice fades [Saving me the trouble of writing his lecture ^_^] as Mihoshi realizes that her uniform vest is on wrong and attempts to put it right. As she looks up, we hear Dack's voice come back.]
DACK (CONT.): …and investigate the rumor of the re-appearance of Ryoko. You are advised not to attempt to arrest her, unless you get a kick out of having your appendages reassembled. Is that clear?
[CGI "Bullet Time ™©®" freeze-frame. Pan/zoom to Mihoshi's ear and keep going, entering her head. It's mostly black. Dack's speech is projected on what appears to be a representation of the inside of her skull. Many of the longer words disappear and the words "and", "Investigate", "Ryoko", "You are advised", "to," and "attempt to arrest her" enlarge and form themselves into the sentence "You are advised to investigate Ryoko and attempt to arrest her." Rapidly reverse the zoom until we're back in the bridge.]
MIHOSHI: Yes sir! I will investigate Ryoko and do all that I can to arrest her!
DACK (O_O'): Wait! You're the Grand Marshall's granddaughter! If anything happened to you, I'd-
MIHOSHI: Don't worry about my Grandfather, sir, sir, Detective First-Class Mihoshi Kuramitsu is on the case!
DACK: But you don't –
MIHOSHI: No time to talk, sir. Detective First Class Mihoshi out! [The Holomonitor switches off] Yukinojo?
[An inverted dome on the ceiling detaches, inverts and opens up, revealing two "Eyes"]
YUKINOJO: Yes, miss Mihoshi?
MIHOSHI: How did that go? I didn't sound too distracted, did I?
YUKINOJO: No, you're really improving. Would you like briefing on your mission?
MIHOSHI: Hmm…yes, that would be best, wouldn't it?
YUKINOJO: As you wish. [The briefing is accompanied by pictures of Ryoko [Super Deformed] flying, walking through walls, splitting in half, shooting lasers, etc., etc..] Ryoko is a space pirate of unknown origin, believed to be over two thousand galactic standard years old.
[Mihoshi gets bored and takes out a white poofy thing, which turns into her Control Cube, a cube about 6 inches square made of a translucent pink material.]
YUKINOJO (CONT): She was last seen three hundred and fifty GSY ago and is believed to be responsible for the disappearance of Jurian Crown Prince Yosho.
[Mihoshi manipulates the control cube as she would a Rubik's cube. She gets more and more frustrated with it by the minute, with the sweatdrops and the veins and the big eye thing and all that.]
YUKINOJO (CONT): Her known abilities include: Flight, teleportation, phasing through solid objects, regeneration…[The lights go off, come back on briefly, go off again and begin flickering like the kind of dance club that causes seizures.], self-duplication, energy manipulation, age control, telekinesis [The trash is ejected from the compactor and resumes it's original size all over the floor.], force field generation, matter conversion, hair needles and the ability to summon demons from any nearby matter. [Various objects appear out of miniature black holes and fall to the floor.] Her spacecraft, the Ryo-Okhi, is capable of destroying small planetoids and faster-than-light travel. She is wanted for 38 counts of planetary destruction, 110,000,000 counts of murder, 42000 counts of grand larceny and…this can't be right…under illegal parking it says—
MIHOSHI: How in space can I get this stupid thing to give me a cup of coffee!
[She throws the cube down in disgust and a cup of coffee appears in her hand.]
MIHOSHI: Oh, there we go! I'm sorry, were you saying something?
YUKINOJO: *Sigh* Let's just get going.
MIHOSHI: Right!
[She starts up the spaceship. It doesn't work at all, until she gives the control console a good kick. Cut to an exterior shot.]
27. EXT – SPACE – THAT MOMENT.
MIHOSHI (V.O.): Right, I'll just cruise around and see what I can find!
28. EXT – ESTABLISHING SHOT: TENCHI'S HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
29. INT – A CLASSROOM AT TENCHI'S HIGH SCHOOL – THAT MOMENT.
[Back on earth, Tenchi is in his homeroom at whatever high school he goes to, in his desk staring at the sword. The boys in his class are all wearing black pants and white T-shirts and the girls are wearing something more commonly seen on Sailor Moon, except in black with white trim. Amagasi, an out-of-shape student with a large nose and huge, fat lips walks up behind him.]
AMAGASI: Hey, Tenchi. Whatcha got there? Some kinda antique?
TENCHI: Huh? Oh…er…nothing, Amagasi. Just something I found on vacation.
AMAGASI: Cool, what is it?
TENCHI (Sweatdrop): Uhh…just –just...some old piece of junk.
AMAGASI: Oh. So, how'd your summer go?
TENCHI: Don't ask. I had to spend all my time working up at the shrine with Grandpa. He says it's part of the training, but I think that he just doesn't want to get his hands dirty.
AMAGASI: Any girls up there?
TENCHI: I wish. Nobody under 80 years old ever goes there.
AMAGASI: If you spend too much time with those mummies, they might get attracted to you. Nobody wants that. When are you gonna meet some real women?
TENCHI: I don't have that kind of luck. It's just the dried-up, burly old mummies. [Laughs] A mummy…?
[Close up on Tenchi as he becomes lost in though. A few quick, otherworldly shots of the cave, the pool and the mummy appear until Amagasi's voice cuts in.]
AMAGASI: Tenchi? Tenchi? [Shocked] Oh no…you didn't.
TENCHI: Huh? Wha?
AMAGASI: You did! You've been dating a mummy!
TENCHI [Stands up very suddenly.]: WHAT??? I NEVER-
AMAGASI: You were so hard-up, you've probably been sleeping with – [He is rudely interrupted by Tenchi's left hook.]
TENCHI: WOULD YOU GET A LIFE!?!?
30. EXT – THE SCHOOL'S ROOFTOP – DAY - LATER
[Tenchi is alone, lying back and looking at the sky.\
TENCHI: Maybe it was really just a dream…
[His eyes close and he falls into a deep sleep, complete with the little "Anime Nasal Bubble" thing. His mind is full of visions of swords, mummies and, for some reason, wooden crowns, eagle feathers, cute fuzzy things and lots and lots of spaceships. Dissolve to…]
31. EXT – THE SCHOOL'S ROOFTOP – NIGHT
[It's later. Much later. He probably doesn't need to worry about his afternoon classes anymore. Tenchi wakes up, blissfully unaware of the situation. As he realizes, his eyes, again, become Really Really Huge]
32. EXT – LONG SHOT OF THE SCHOOL – THAT MOMENT
TENCHI: AAAAAA!
33. EXT – THE ROOFTOP – A MOMENT LATER
TENCHI: Great…just great…Dad's going to kill me for this…
[Someone laughs a very harsh-edged and wicked laugh. Tenchi turns around, and the camera pans with him, to see the…stairway…housing…thing…that bit of a stairway that extends above the roof. You know what I mean! Whatever it is, someone is sitting on it. He looks up, waaaaaaaaaaaay up, at a beautiful young woman wearing a light greenish-blue dress with a wraparound skirt, puffy sleeves that taper into fingerless gloves (with a red gem on her left wrist), a pink overskirt with wide straps accenting her…features and a black belt. Her ears are squared off and the left has a red earring that doesn't appear to be hanging from anything. Her hair is really spiky and cyan, most of it heading up and back, like a porcupine that wanted to go out on the town, with a few hanging down around her face like an upturned crown. Two foot-and-a-half long dangly bits of hair hang in front of her ears, and her eyes are closed. Whew!]
WOMAN (Strange accent): Ryoko.
TENCHI: Huh?
WOMAN: Quee ching hoing: Ryoko.
SUBTITLE: That's my name: Ryoko.
TENCHI: I can't understand you.
RYOKO: *sigh* Coing hien, nich jehin filein-heinuk.
SUB TITLE: *Sigh* Hang on, this won't hurt. Much.
[She hops down and places her hand on Tenchi's chest.]
TENCHI: Hey! What the- [A bright light emanates from under Ryoko's fingers.] Oh my god, what are you doing?!!
[A sudden, unseen force emanating from Ryoko's hand blows their hair back. Her eyes open, revealing them to be yellow and catlike. Tenchi flashes back to the mummy and the demon and comes to a conclusion.]
TENCHI (O_O): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
[That's our hero.]
RYOKO (No accent): Ahh, that's much better.
TENCHI: W-w-w-w-w-w-w…[Hits self on the side of the head] What on earth…
RYOKO: Not quite.
This is my script for a hypothetical Tenchi Muyo! live-action movie, including, for no additional charge, my ideal casting. Bonus points shall be awarded if you figure out who plays whom before the final credits.
Yes, I know that the casting isn't Japanese. This was done for a number of reasons. Firstly, I'm trying to capture the look of the Anime, including the abnormally huge eyes. CGI should be able to help with that. Secondly, it's not likely that a major entertainment company would be willing to distribute a movie with an entirely-Asian cast unless it was a martial-arts and/or rubber-suit monster movie. I also don't know any Asian actors that would fit the part and speak English well enough to carry a movie without dubbing.
It's based mostly upon the first 6 episodes of the OAV, except with a few changes that I don't want to give away and bits from other OAV episodes and the TV shows. It'll also tie in with the other spin-offs, so that I can cover them in the sequel(s).
Now, put down your flamethrowers and enjoy.
**************************************************************************** ****************
FADE IN:
1. CREDITS SEQUENCE
[A shot of outer space, with CGI effects based on shots from the Hubble. We pan/zoom gracefully towards the solar system. The music to "I'm a Pioneer" plays.]
SUPER TITLE:
Warner Bros. and Pioneer Entertainment present:
A Don McLeod (Me) Production
of a Donald McLeod (Also me) film
Directed by Donald R. McLeod (Take a wild guess)
[As the music gets to the good bit, several stars outline Japanese characters, which appear, glowing bright and red and larger than galaxies. There's a dramatic musical buildup as the characters rearrange themselves like giant kanji transformers, turning into their English translation.]
TENCHI MUYO!
The Movie
Not Tenchi Muyo in Love, but a new one.
You're smart, I'm sure you'll figure it out.
Featuring (In Alphabetical Order):
Hank Azaria
Lacey Chabert
John Cleese
Debi Derryberry
Cameron Diaz
Sarah Michelle Gellar
Mako
Julianne Moore
Taylor Momsen
Gary Oldman
Julia Sawallah
Elijah Wood
With:
Sean Astin
Chris Barrie
Petrea Burchard
Jennifer Darling
Ellen Gerstell
Mark Hamill
Jay Hopper
Phil LaMarr
Sherry Lynn
Matt K. Miller
Leonard Nimoy
Michael Scott Ryan
William Shatner
and
K. T. Vogt
Based on the Anime by Masaki Kajishima and the associated spin-offs.
We'll try not to screw it up.
[As we come into the solar system a voice, full of awe, is heard.]
VOICE: Space. I can never get over it. Full of wonders, full of strange mysteries. Every time I see it, I'm amazed. I can't help but think, "Are we really alone?"
[By this point, the space-o-vision cam has reached the Earth, and views it with the sun directly at us, so that the Earth is in shadow and appears to be the pupil of an eye, an eye big enough for a God.]
VOICE: *sigh* It's got to be better than here.
[The "eye" pushes the limits of metaphor by blinking. Zoom out at extreme speeds to see that we're actually…]
2. INT. A SHINTO SHRINE – THAT MOMENT
[…looking at the face of a young man, about 17, with unruly black hair and a rat-tail, brown eyes and tanned skin, rooting through a low desk near an open window. He wears running shoes, blue jeans, a red t-shirt and a light blue work shirt tied at the waist with the sleeves rolled up. His name is Tenchi Masaki, and he is Our Hero.]
TENCHI: Come on, Tenchi. There's no time for that, now. If Grandpa gets back to the shrine before I'm done here….
[His voice fades as we zoon in on the window, and out again to...]
3. EXT. THAT SAME SHRINE IN JAPAN – A MOMENT LATER – NIGHT
[The shrine consists of a few buildings in a cobbled clearing in a forest atop a hill. Off to one side are a cave and the burial marker for Tenchi's mother, Achika, who will not be appearing. Yet. A long stairway set into the hill leads down, mostly by default. An old man, looking to be in his late 70's, comes up said stairs and into the courtyard. He has a rather long ponytail, and wears glasses and traditional white kimono and hakama,. He is Katsuhito, Tenchi's Grandfather.]
KATSUHITO: Tenchi? Tenchi!
[He looks around, noticing the recently discarded broom and half–swept courtyard.]
KATSUHITO: Now where could that boy be?
4. INT. THE SHRINE – A MOMENT LATER
[Tenchi's still rooting through the desk. Beside him is a pile of assorted things, including a flashlight, a miniature squid, a plush Ryo-Okhi doll, a Victoria's Secret catalogue with the words "Property of Nobuyuki" written on it in Japanese, a Ranma ½ magna, a blue paperback novel with a red infinity symbol and several other in-jokes to be worked out later. Tenchi is still looking through the desk, getting very frustrated.]
TENCHI: Where did the old man put it?
[There is a noise and Tenchi turns. From his POV, we see the door open and close, with nobody there.]
KATSUHITO (O.S): Looking for this?
[Tenchi gives a yelp and recoils in surprise, his eyes as wide as saucers (O_O) [Thanks to the miracle of CGI]. Whip-pan over to see Katsuhito standing in front of the desk holding a ring with one key on it. An Anime sweatdrop appears on Tenchi's forehead.]
TENCHI: Grandpa! W-w-what a surprise!
KATSUHITO: Tenchi, you know that it's forbidden even for me to enter the inner shrine. But, since your heart's set on it, I'll make you a deal. If you can take this key from me, well, I won't be able to stop you.
TENCHI: I'll get that key, Grandpa – [He appears to faintly glow white as he attacks.] –if it's the last thing I ever do!
[Katsuhito sticks out his hand at just the right moment to catch Tenchi's fist and trips him, sending him flying headfirst through the closed door.]
*CRASH!*
KATSUHITO: You still have things to learn, Tenchi. Get back to work.
[He leaves.]
CUT TO:
5. INT. THE CLOSET – A MOMENT LATER
[Tenchi's head is sticking out of the door. He appears dazed for a moment, then smiles, revealing the key in his teeth. As Tenchi pulls himself out, we wipe with him to…]
6. EXT. THE COURTYARD AROUND THE SHRINE – A MOMENT LATER - NIGHT
[The dark shape of Tenchi streaks across the courtyard and enters the cave. Katsuhito steps out from the shadows, smiling knowingly.]
CUT TO:
7. INT. THE CAVE – NIGHT
[The cave is the standard long-corridor-made-of-rock deal, only it has large bars and a door set into it, as one might find in a prison. Tenchi, holding a flashlight, stares through the door.]
TENCHI: Man…it's been so long since I've been in here…
[Ripple-y flashback thingy effect to:]
8. INT. THE CAVE - DAY
[It's now, or it was then, or it is then or…well, you get the idea, it's about 10 years earlier, and a Chibi Tenchi, identically dressed, stares through the bars.]
KATSUHITO (O.S): Tenchi!
[The Chibi Tenchi stiffens in shock and turns to see his grandfather, looking exactly the same, even though he's 10 years younger.]
TENCHI: Grandpa! I…I wasn't…
[Katsuhito walks up to Tenchi.]
KATSUHITO: Tenchi, what are you doing here?
[He kneels down so that they can talk face-to-face.]
KATSUHITO (CONT.): You know that you're not allowed to go in there.
[Tenchi's really scared now.]
TENCHI: B-b-b-b-but…
[Katsuhito, like all grandparents, fills in the Blank.]
KATSUHITO: But why not?
[Tenchi nods.]
KATSUHITO: Because, Tenchi, a Demon sleeps here.
TENCHI: A demon?
[Katsuhito nods]
Katsuhito: It's about time you were told. Now, listen very carefully, for what I'm about to tell you really happened…
[Katsuhito's story is illustrated in the style of – ]
9. A TRADITIONAL HAND-PAINTED SCROLL (KATSUHITO'S STORY)
KATSUHITO (V.O. in a "I'm trying to scare someone half to death" voice): Long, long ago, in a land not to far away, a demon appeared out of the sky, clad in flames with destruction as her transport.
[Something spiky and flaming crashes into the earth, leaving a large crater.]
KATSUHITO (CONT.): The demon wreaked havoc on the world, defeating even the strongest of armies.
[The focus of the scroll is a female-looking reptilian thing with glowing yellow eyes, large, squared ears and several spikes coming out of the back of its head. Some strange red energy comes from her hands. The pictures show it killing things, demolishing buildings, carrying off men, decapitating samurai, etc., etc.]
KATSUHITO (CONT.): All hope for survival was lost. Until one man appeared: the warrior known as Yosho.
[Painted on the scroll is a man, in feudal dress, riding a flying white stallion into a body-strewn battlefield and wielding glowing sword – NOT A LIGHTSABER!!!! It's more like a…a Lightkatana. He is Yosho, and he looks just enough like Tenchi that you'd notice. Not that we're suggesting anything! Heh heh heh…]
KATSUHITO (CONT.): Yosho was the greatest warrior of his age, and all men spoke of his prowess. He wielded a magic sword, the Tenchiken¸ a sword that was strong enough to cut through stone.
YOSHO (V.O.): Begone demon, and return to the pit of hate from whence you came!
KATSUHITO (CONT.): He said, as he rode into battle, but the demon was unafraid and attacked.
[The demon and Yosho are locked in combat. Several loud grunts and Godzilla yells can be heard.]
KATSUHITO (CONT.): They battled for days and days, stopping not for food nor drink nor rest. On the fifth day, however…
[Yosho holds his sword to the demon's throat.]
YOSHO (V.O.): Now, foul beast, return to your hell!
[There's an unpleasant fleshy sound effect as we do a camera trick to make it look like the demon is having a rather painful tonsillectomy.]
KATSUHITO (CONT.): The people knew that evil such as the Demon's would not remain dead for long, and sealed the body up inside this very cave.
[Several priests and other miscellaneous religious people encase the body in a tomb.]
KATSUHITO (CONT.): To protect the people, it was guarded by the same magic that killed it: The Tenchiken.
[Yosho places the sword in a shrine, as we dissolve to…]
10. INT. THE CAVE (FLASHBACK) – NIGHT
[Tenchi is looking at his grandfather like a huge, spiky demon thing might appear behind him. "Him" meaning Katsuhito, not Tenchi.]
KATSUHITO: That man, Tenchi, was your ancestor and the founder of the Masaki shrine. Ever since that day, it has been the solemn duty of the Masaki family to keep this shrine, and see that the demon does not escape. Never forget the meaning of your name, Tenchi: "Heaven and Earth". Your name gives you power, and that power will be needed, for one day, the fate of this Demon shall be in your hands.
[The word "hands" echoes as we ripple back to the present.]
11. INT. THE CAVE – NIGHT
[If you thought TENCHI was scared in the flashback, he's about ready to need a new pair of shorts now. He's got the huge eyes, the sweatdrops, the bulging veins and those little white specks floating around his head.]
TENCHI: Awwh, what did people know back then, anyways? They'll write down almost anything! There's nothing to worry about in this cave! Ha ha!
[A wind blows from inside the cave, sounding ominously like the word "Wrong".]
TENCHI (CONT.): Shut up! What do you know!
[He unlocks the door and opens it, slowly. The door creaks as it opens, the kind of creak that takes hours of work on damp afternoons with a turkey baster full of water to achieve. All the while, Tenchi is panicking, casting mad glances at the entrance, all the while expecting his Grandpa to jump out and yell "BOO!". A rather large Anime Sweatdrop™ appears in the usual manner and remains after the door opens.]
12. INT. DEEPER IN THE CAVE
[Tenchi continues on into the cave, a big, brave, but most of all fake smile on his face and eyes the size of grapefruit.]
TENCHI: It's just a cave, Tenchi, just a cave. Nothing-scary here, no, no sir. N-no demons, here, haha!
[Tenchi's foot dislodges some gravel, which clatters down the gently sloped passageway.]
TENCHI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! The demon! The demon!
[And they're off!!! And he would have made it too, if he didn't accidentally run the wrong way. But, that would be a very short movie, wouldn't it? He doesn't realize his mistake until he falls flat on his face. Tilt down to the ground to see that he tripped over a 2-foot-tall Marker stone, reading something in Japanese.]
SUBTITLE: Inner Shrine – Please Watch your Step
12. INT. THE INNER SHRINE
[The Inner Shrine has all the Shrineishness and Caveosity as a Shrine in a cave possibly can. A boulder hangs from vines above the cave entrance, a small wooden shrine sits on a rock and the market stone just sits there, apparently pleased that someone finally tripped over it after a 700 year wait.]
TENCHI: Must've…*pant, pant*…must've run the…*Owie*…the wrong way.
[As he gets up, Tenchi notices the small wooden shrine. Out of curiosity and a sense of destiny, opens the doors. (Insert Dramatic Music here) Inside, he sees a wooden sword hilt, with the blade buried in rock *cough*Arthurian Legend*cough*. The end of the hilt is rounded with three small gems set into it, and the part that you actually hold it with is wrapped with white linen.]
TENCHI: It's here!
[He grabs the Hilt of the sword and tries to pull it out. He doesn't have much success *cough*Freudian Metaphor*cough*.]
TENCHI (CONT.): Urrgh...the sword that can cut through stone…*pant*…It's really here, comeonyoustupidlittle–
[At the exact moment when he would lose his balance if the sword were to come free, the predictable happens.]
TENCHI: WAAUGH!
[Told you. ^_^. Tenchi, muttering unpleasant things about swords and marker stones, tries to pull it out of its sheath, with slightly more success than the pulling-sword-from-stone trick. As he removes it and holds it up to the flashlight, we see the light completely fail to glint off of the blade, since it's completely encrusted with rust. Tenchi's eyes narrow into exasperated slits.]
TENCHI: *This* is the sword that could cut through stone? [Beat] Well, he *did* say that it was magic…
[Tenchi spies the Marker stone that he tripped over and decides to extract a pointy reckoning. He raises the Sword over his head, brings it down with one fluid motion and…the blade shatters. Tenchi, as per the prevalent physical law, Facefaults.]
TENCHI: Ow…Grandpa's gonna kill me for this...
[He raises his head and he sees the stone split in half.]
TENCHI: Wow!
[A low rumbling noise is heard, and he sits up in time to see the boulder suspended from vines grind unstoppably down, blocking the only way out. Tenchi runs over and reaches it second after it touches down.]
TENCHI: Aahh! Oh, *man*! [Leans against the rock] Now what am I going to do? Think, Genius!
[He looks up and notices that the rock wall on the other side of the room him has opened, revealing a passageway. A light shines from within.]
TENCHI: Hey! Light! This could be a way out! I'll just follow this passagewaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy------!!!
[In addition to the laws of physics, there also are the laws of comedy, and they are acting very strongly on this universe. And so, as Tenchi speaks this line, he steps into a puddle, slips, hits his head on the ceiling, falls down a rather long, sloped tunnel, lands painfully and gets hit on the head by the sword.]
TENCHI: Ow…not my day…what the…
[Rotate-pan around Tenchi's head to see…]
13. INT. THE INNER, INNER SHRINE
[The room is circular and dominated by a glowing round orb in the center. The floor has a pattern of slightly raised areas and the lower parts are filled with water.]
TENCHI: Oh, it's just a…a huge glowing orb.
[As he walks toward the pool, the gems on the sword hilt begin glowing and the orb dissipates, leaving nothing but a pool. Tilt down to see a decaying mummy, somewhat resembling the demon in the story. We'll call it the Demon, for now]
TENCHI: Wow… The legends…
[He kneels down to the pool, and his hand is grabbed – by the Demon's. The mummy opens its eyes, which glow an unearthly gold.]
DEMON [Gravelly, old, dusty]: Ten…chi…
[It reaches up with a claw and stokes Tenchi's [O_o, with a large sweatdop] cheek while he babbles incoherently. The Demon tries to take him in her arms, but the sword flashes blue, sending her/it flying across the room. Tenchi, startled back into some semblance of sense, reacts as any logical human would…]
TENCHI (O_O): YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
[
...and runs up the slope in sped-up motion.]
TENCHI (Thinking): Idon'twannadieIdon'twannadieIdon'twannadieIdon'twannadieIdon'twannadie!
14. INT – THE OUTER INNER SHRINE.
[Still in sped-up motion, he reaches the INNER SHRINE and tries to push the boulder back together, to no avail.]
TENCHI: Wait—the marker!
[He ties the two halves of the marker stone together with a handy vine. Sure enough, the boulder closes, the slab opens and Tenchi bolts.]
TENCHI: I'm going back home and I'm doing as many chores as Grandpa says!
15. INT – THE INNER, INNER SHRINE – LATER
[The demon pulls itself out of a demon-shaped dent in the wall and rubs at the large, white bandage that had appeared on her head. She realizes that there is a shortage of Tenchi, and opens her mouth wider than normally possible and screams in rage. It's interrupted midway by her jaw falling off.]
16. EXT – THE MASAKI SHRINE – A MOMENT LATER
[Helicopter shot of the shrine grounds, taking in a house, a lake and the shrine itself. We stop, however, at none of these, and instead focus on a giant tree, draped with shimenawa and growing on an island in the center of a small pond. One of the leaves starts to glow and sends a beam of light into the pond. Another follows suit. And another and another, until the whole of the tree and the pond is aglow. Finally, as if waiting for something, light shoots up from the pond in a never-ending cylinder, spreading like a film on the edge of the atmosphere, as if searching for something. Eventually, it coalesces into a ball and shoots off into space, leaving only a bright flash of light.]
17. INT – TENCHI'S ROOM – A MOMENT LATER
[Tenchi, in bed, grunts and turns over.]
18. EXT – SPACE – SOME TIME LATER
[Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of…no, sorry, wrong show. Instead, of the familiar shape of the Enterprise, we see a thick reddish-black disk surrounded by artistically carved wood, giving the overall effect of something that should be in a display case somewhere instead of something designed for deep space transport, but it somehow manages. In the main disc-shaped thing is a miniature landscape complete with a high, domed view port letting in the starlight.]
19. INT – THE SHIP – THAT MOMENT
[Directly under the center is a similar tree in a circular pond, almost indistinguishable from the one on Earth. A beam of light hits the dome, spreads out and does that cylinder-pond-tree thing in reverse. The tree sends out another beam towards a bank of receptors artistically incorporated into a low wall surrounding it. At the bridge [It's raised, has control panels and is facing a viewing screen, it's got to be the bridge.] stand 2 wooden robots. Well, technically they're robots, even though they look like carved, 6-foot-tall pillars. They rest on 3 short legs and have their names, in Jurian, panted on the front. The one on the right has the Jurian for "Azaka" in blue and the one on the left has the Jurian for "Kamidake" in red. Each has a circular light near the top, which flashes when they speak, in the same colors as their name.]
AZAKA (To Kamidake, deep voice): We're receiving a priority message from Earth.
KAMIDAKE (To Azaka, higher-pitched voice): Great…whose turn is it to wake up the Princess?
AZAKA: I did it last time. It's your turn now.
KAMIDAKE: No, because the turn before that was yours, but I agreed to wake her up because you let me borrow that mahogany stain of yours when we had the date with those two elms. The balance is evened out, so it's your turn.
AZAKA: But Kamidake, you know what she's like when she doesn't get her sleep. I've still got a mark [Turns to show a patch of pruning paint on his side.] from last time.
KAMIDAKE: It's still your turn.
AZAKA: That doesn't seem fair. How about we play rock, scissors, [Looks around to see that nobody's watching, then whispers.] paper? [Normally] Loser has to wake her up.
KAMIDAKE: Azaka, neither of us has hands.
AZAKA: Then who's flying the ship?
KAMIDAKE: It always goes on autopilot during the night.
AZAKA: You mean I could have been sleeping for the past 6 hours?
[Kamidake summons a large, wooden mallet, attached to his side by a swivel joint, into being.]
KAMIDAKE: Azaka…
AZAKA: Okay, okay! I get the –OOMF! [Gets hit on the head…um…on the top by a large wooden mallet.]
[Pan down the mallet shaft to his attacker, a woman in her early 20's, with royal purple hair in a style reminiscent of Darth Vader's helmet. 2 short plaits hang down in front of her ears and two much longer plaits hang down to her ankles, tapering out as they go. On her head but obscured by her hair is what appears to be a wooden tiara or headband. Her eyes are a lighter shade of purple than her hair and she wears a dressing gown that is, you guessed it, purple. Azaka & Kamidake both sweatdrop.]
WOMAN (British accent): Some of us are *trying* to sleep!
AZAKA & KAMIDAKE: Good morning, Princess Ayeka! [They snap to attention, which is easy since they're made of wood.]
AZAKA: W-we've received a priority message from Earth.
AYEKA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, what is it!?!
KAMIDAKE: The space pirate Ryoko [A wanted poster, with a picture of a fleshed-out version of the mummy in an exciting outfit holding a weapon larger than she is, on it appears on the main screen.], wanted for destruction of planets: 38 counts, murder: 110,000,000 counts, grand larceny: 42000 counts, illegal parking—
AYEKA: You woke me up for this?
AZAKA (Sweatdropping): N-n-no, your highness, we awoke to tell you that she has been located on the planet Earth, [The viewscreen picks a star out of dozens and brings up a display of the solar system.] a D2 class planet in the Sol system.
AYEKA: Earth? What a stupid name for a planet. Is that even part of the Jurain Empire?
KAMIDAKE: It's in the protected zone, your highness; travel is restricted except to the most serious of conditions.
AZAKA: There's a small probability that Crown Prince Yosho might still be alive on Earth, if his ship is still intact.
AYEKA: Well then, it's settled. Azaka, Kamidake, set course for Earth.
[Azaka and Kamidake talk in hushed voices to each other, with the occasional "You tell her!" heard above the quiet. Finally, they turn back to Ayeka.]
AZAKA: But your highness! Jurain law clearly states that the protected-
AYEKA: Do you consider the rescuing of my brother to be anything *less* than the most serious of conditions!?!
AZAKA & KAMIDAKE (Sweatdropping): No, your highness!
AZAKA: Setting course now!
KAMIDAKE: Estimated arrival time in 24 hours!
AYEKA: *Sigh* I'm going back to bed…If you actually accomplish anything, wake me up. Lousy government-funded bodyguards…[Walks off.]
AZAKA: Why didn't we get assigned to Sasami…?
KAMIDAKE: It's Karma, that's what it is.
20. EXT – SPACE – LATER
[Meanwhile, in a completely different yet identical part of Space…. We see a gleaming metallic construct, of such flair and general purposelessness that it appears to have been designed by Ray Charles and built by Jim Varney. Big giant metal rings are involved. The logo of the Galaxy Police is plastered on the side in a big, glowing, "Look at me, look at me, I'm a target!" style.]
21. INT – GP HQ – THAT MOMENT
[Inside, there is a huge amount of bustling activity in the traditional space station way. We pan down the corridor until we come to a door reading "Commissioner Kajishima" in twenty-five different languages, most of them not from Earth.]
22. INT – THE COMMISSIONER'S OFFICE – THAT MOMENT
[The police commissioner, an odd, humanoid animal-thing in a uniform sits at his desk working through a mountain of paperwork until the Computer buzz- flashes.]
COMPUTER: You've got mail!
COMMISSIONER: On screen!
[The image of an older man in a flashier uniform appears on the holographic monitor. Above his image are the words:
From: Grand Marshal Kuramitsu
To: Commissioner Kajishima
Subject: Space Pirate Ryoko]
GRAND MARSHAL: Greetings commander Kajishima. We have just received word from Jurai that the A-1 class criminal Ryoko [A wanted poster of Ryoko appears onscreen briefly.] has escaped from the third planet in Jurai system 842, coordinates 67-19-85, a backwater D2 class planet called Earth. [An orbital picture of Earth appears.] Send someone down there to investigate. I would recommend that they not engage the space pirate in combat unless they enjoy having their internal organs removed via their nostrils. Kuramitsu out.
[The image flashes away. Almost immediately, there is a buzzing at the door.]
COMMISSIONER: Come.
[The door swooshes open and Police Chief Dack enters, carrying a tray with a cup of a coffee-ish liquid on it.]
DACK: Coffee, sir? [Sets tray on desk.]
COMMISSIONER: Thank you, number one. [Sips coffee.] Dack, tell me, who do we have stationed closest to system 842?
DACK: That would be detective first-class Mihoshi Kuramitsu, sir.
[He ducks to avoid the stream of hot coffee from the commissioner's mouth.]
COMMISSIONER: Mihoshi??! What in space is she doing there?!
DACK: You told me to station her there, sir. Your exact words were "Put here somewhere so that when she screws up, nobody will be able to complain", sir.
COMMISSIONER (-_-): Oh. Right.
DACK: With all due respect, sir, she is an excellent detective, and the Grand Marshall's granddaughter.
COMMISSIONER: Yes, but her performance record is worse off than an inner- city middle school. Why do you think that I've always got this much paper on my desk? Every single one of these damage claims and misconduct reports is her fault! I haven't worked on anything else since I got here. It's been a week since I left this office. For all I know, my wife could be having an affair with the Emperor. (*sigh*) Who's her partner? Will she be able to help Mihoshi carry out the mission without smashing into a planet again?
DACK: We were lucky that time. There was only one inhabited planet in the system and they thought that it was a comet.
COMMISSIONER: She was probably attracted to the pretty colors.
DACK: Anyway, the point is moot, sir, since you've just assigned her partner, Miss Kiyone Mabi, to Operation Souja. If I recall, she was quite insistent to get away from Mihoshi. Speaking of which, how's the arm doing?
COMMISSIONER: The doctor says that I should be able to play tennis again in a few weeks.
DACK: You wouldn't think she was that strong just by looking at her. Anyway, Mihoshi's shuttle has been equipped with a prototype computer, the, Yukinojo. However, it is entirely subservient to Mihoshi and would provide as much help as a hammer made of white chocolate. Still it's an improvement over the earlier model, the Mechanical Android Responsible for Violence and Randomized Nullification.
COMMISSIONER: The what?
DACK: The M.A.R.V.I.N., sir. Half of the production run committed suicide within the first week. Then the military transferred the rest here.
COMMISSIONER: I try to forget what happened after that. Is there anyone else that I could assign to Mihoshi's system?
DACK: Negative, sir. Soon after she was relocated there, all other officers within the sector spontaneously decided to become monks. Including several women, sir. A routine investigation into this might be good for her. It should keep her out of trouble for a while.
[The Commissioner sighs]
COMMISSIONER: It appears that she is the best that we've got. Make it so.
23. EXT – SPACE - LATER
[Somewhere in the outer fringes of the Solar System, a completely different starship cruises through the blackness of space. It's typical of most of the ships one finds in outer space: Metallic, gleaming, covered with little dealiemajobs of ambiguous purpose and about as phallic as a skyscraper owned by Pfizer.]
24. INT – SHUTTLE COCKPIT – THAT MOMENT
[The cockpit of the spaceship would look sleek, sophisticated and futuristic, if it wasn't for all the Romance novels, plush toys, assorted feminine things that I don't understand, and the big fuzzy dice hanging from the viewscreen. There is a flicker and the holomonitor activates, showing Dack reading from a paper.]
DACK: Greetings, fist-class screw---Detective Mihoshi. We have received word that –
[He Looks up for the first time and notices Mihoshi's absence.]
DACK (CONT.): Mihoshi?
[The screen pivots around the room, seeing if she's lost somewhere amongst all the junk.]
DACK [CONT.]: Mihoshi?
25. INT. – MIHOSHI'S BEDROOM – A MOMENT LATER
[Mihoshi is an attractive woman in her late 20's, with tan skin, poofy blonde hair tied up and back, large blue eyes, and rounded pointy ears. She reclining on her bed, watching a cartoon and drinking coffee. When she opens her mouth, we see that she has small fangs. A small gem on her bracelet starts flashing.]
MIHOSHI: A call? Ohh, why now?
[She looks at the bracelet like you would a watch, accidentally spilling her coffee on her lap, causing the typical reaction. In layman's terms, she ran around screaming. As she attempts to wipe up her spill, she causes a shelf full of small objects to fall on her.]
26. INT. – THE COCKPIT – THAT MOMENT
[The image of Dack is waiting rather impatiently as loud bumps and other interesting noises combined with the voice of Mihoshi giving the impression that something very interesting is going on without actually showing anything. This lasts for a minute or two, until the door opens, revealing Mihoshi in a hastily-put-on Galaxy Police uniform (Think of a futuristic police uniform) with a large sweatdrop on her forehead.]
MIHOSHI: I'm here! I was attending to important business, but I'm on-duty and ready to go now, yes sir!
[Dack sighs, in a "Why Me?" manner.]
DACK: Detective Mihoshi, you're supposed to be on-call at all times of the day. Now, I realize that you're out here in the protected zone, but…
[Dack's voice fades [Saving me the trouble of writing his lecture ^_^] as Mihoshi realizes that her uniform vest is on wrong and attempts to put it right. As she looks up, we hear Dack's voice come back.]
DACK (CONT.): …and investigate the rumor of the re-appearance of Ryoko. You are advised not to attempt to arrest her, unless you get a kick out of having your appendages reassembled. Is that clear?
[CGI "Bullet Time ™©®" freeze-frame. Pan/zoom to Mihoshi's ear and keep going, entering her head. It's mostly black. Dack's speech is projected on what appears to be a representation of the inside of her skull. Many of the longer words disappear and the words "and", "Investigate", "Ryoko", "You are advised", "to," and "attempt to arrest her" enlarge and form themselves into the sentence "You are advised to investigate Ryoko and attempt to arrest her." Rapidly reverse the zoom until we're back in the bridge.]
MIHOSHI: Yes sir! I will investigate Ryoko and do all that I can to arrest her!
DACK (O_O'): Wait! You're the Grand Marshall's granddaughter! If anything happened to you, I'd-
MIHOSHI: Don't worry about my Grandfather, sir, sir, Detective First-Class Mihoshi Kuramitsu is on the case!
DACK: But you don't –
MIHOSHI: No time to talk, sir. Detective First Class Mihoshi out! [The Holomonitor switches off] Yukinojo?
[An inverted dome on the ceiling detaches, inverts and opens up, revealing two "Eyes"]
YUKINOJO: Yes, miss Mihoshi?
MIHOSHI: How did that go? I didn't sound too distracted, did I?
YUKINOJO: No, you're really improving. Would you like briefing on your mission?
MIHOSHI: Hmm…yes, that would be best, wouldn't it?
YUKINOJO: As you wish. [The briefing is accompanied by pictures of Ryoko [Super Deformed] flying, walking through walls, splitting in half, shooting lasers, etc., etc..] Ryoko is a space pirate of unknown origin, believed to be over two thousand galactic standard years old.
[Mihoshi gets bored and takes out a white poofy thing, which turns into her Control Cube, a cube about 6 inches square made of a translucent pink material.]
YUKINOJO (CONT): She was last seen three hundred and fifty GSY ago and is believed to be responsible for the disappearance of Jurian Crown Prince Yosho.
[Mihoshi manipulates the control cube as she would a Rubik's cube. She gets more and more frustrated with it by the minute, with the sweatdrops and the veins and the big eye thing and all that.]
YUKINOJO (CONT): Her known abilities include: Flight, teleportation, phasing through solid objects, regeneration…[The lights go off, come back on briefly, go off again and begin flickering like the kind of dance club that causes seizures.], self-duplication, energy manipulation, age control, telekinesis [The trash is ejected from the compactor and resumes it's original size all over the floor.], force field generation, matter conversion, hair needles and the ability to summon demons from any nearby matter. [Various objects appear out of miniature black holes and fall to the floor.] Her spacecraft, the Ryo-Okhi, is capable of destroying small planetoids and faster-than-light travel. She is wanted for 38 counts of planetary destruction, 110,000,000 counts of murder, 42000 counts of grand larceny and…this can't be right…under illegal parking it says—
MIHOSHI: How in space can I get this stupid thing to give me a cup of coffee!
[She throws the cube down in disgust and a cup of coffee appears in her hand.]
MIHOSHI: Oh, there we go! I'm sorry, were you saying something?
YUKINOJO: *Sigh* Let's just get going.
MIHOSHI: Right!
[She starts up the spaceship. It doesn't work at all, until she gives the control console a good kick. Cut to an exterior shot.]
27. EXT – SPACE – THAT MOMENT.
MIHOSHI (V.O.): Right, I'll just cruise around and see what I can find!
28. EXT – ESTABLISHING SHOT: TENCHI'S HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
29. INT – A CLASSROOM AT TENCHI'S HIGH SCHOOL – THAT MOMENT.
[Back on earth, Tenchi is in his homeroom at whatever high school he goes to, in his desk staring at the sword. The boys in his class are all wearing black pants and white T-shirts and the girls are wearing something more commonly seen on Sailor Moon, except in black with white trim. Amagasi, an out-of-shape student with a large nose and huge, fat lips walks up behind him.]
AMAGASI: Hey, Tenchi. Whatcha got there? Some kinda antique?
TENCHI: Huh? Oh…er…nothing, Amagasi. Just something I found on vacation.
AMAGASI: Cool, what is it?
TENCHI (Sweatdrop): Uhh…just –just...some old piece of junk.
AMAGASI: Oh. So, how'd your summer go?
TENCHI: Don't ask. I had to spend all my time working up at the shrine with Grandpa. He says it's part of the training, but I think that he just doesn't want to get his hands dirty.
AMAGASI: Any girls up there?
TENCHI: I wish. Nobody under 80 years old ever goes there.
AMAGASI: If you spend too much time with those mummies, they might get attracted to you. Nobody wants that. When are you gonna meet some real women?
TENCHI: I don't have that kind of luck. It's just the dried-up, burly old mummies. [Laughs] A mummy…?
[Close up on Tenchi as he becomes lost in though. A few quick, otherworldly shots of the cave, the pool and the mummy appear until Amagasi's voice cuts in.]
AMAGASI: Tenchi? Tenchi? [Shocked] Oh no…you didn't.
TENCHI: Huh? Wha?
AMAGASI: You did! You've been dating a mummy!
TENCHI [Stands up very suddenly.]: WHAT??? I NEVER-
AMAGASI: You were so hard-up, you've probably been sleeping with – [He is rudely interrupted by Tenchi's left hook.]
TENCHI: WOULD YOU GET A LIFE!?!?
30. EXT – THE SCHOOL'S ROOFTOP – DAY - LATER
[Tenchi is alone, lying back and looking at the sky.\
TENCHI: Maybe it was really just a dream…
[His eyes close and he falls into a deep sleep, complete with the little "Anime Nasal Bubble" thing. His mind is full of visions of swords, mummies and, for some reason, wooden crowns, eagle feathers, cute fuzzy things and lots and lots of spaceships. Dissolve to…]
31. EXT – THE SCHOOL'S ROOFTOP – NIGHT
[It's later. Much later. He probably doesn't need to worry about his afternoon classes anymore. Tenchi wakes up, blissfully unaware of the situation. As he realizes, his eyes, again, become Really Really Huge]
32. EXT – LONG SHOT OF THE SCHOOL – THAT MOMENT
TENCHI: AAAAAA!
33. EXT – THE ROOFTOP – A MOMENT LATER
TENCHI: Great…just great…Dad's going to kill me for this…
[Someone laughs a very harsh-edged and wicked laugh. Tenchi turns around, and the camera pans with him, to see the…stairway…housing…thing…that bit of a stairway that extends above the roof. You know what I mean! Whatever it is, someone is sitting on it. He looks up, waaaaaaaaaaaay up, at a beautiful young woman wearing a light greenish-blue dress with a wraparound skirt, puffy sleeves that taper into fingerless gloves (with a red gem on her left wrist), a pink overskirt with wide straps accenting her…features and a black belt. Her ears are squared off and the left has a red earring that doesn't appear to be hanging from anything. Her hair is really spiky and cyan, most of it heading up and back, like a porcupine that wanted to go out on the town, with a few hanging down around her face like an upturned crown. Two foot-and-a-half long dangly bits of hair hang in front of her ears, and her eyes are closed. Whew!]
WOMAN (Strange accent): Ryoko.
TENCHI: Huh?
WOMAN: Quee ching hoing: Ryoko.
SUBTITLE: That's my name: Ryoko.
TENCHI: I can't understand you.
RYOKO: *sigh* Coing hien, nich jehin filein-heinuk.
SUB TITLE: *Sigh* Hang on, this won't hurt. Much.
[She hops down and places her hand on Tenchi's chest.]
TENCHI: Hey! What the- [A bright light emanates from under Ryoko's fingers.] Oh my god, what are you doing?!!
[A sudden, unseen force emanating from Ryoko's hand blows their hair back. Her eyes open, revealing them to be yellow and catlike. Tenchi flashes back to the mummy and the demon and comes to a conclusion.]
TENCHI (O_O): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
[That's our hero.]
RYOKO (No accent): Ahh, that's much better.
TENCHI: W-w-w-w-w-w-w…[Hits self on the side of the head] What on earth…
RYOKO: Not quite.