I do not own Grey's Anatomy.
And for this, I did not want to.
Just One Moment More
He's so beautiful. Oh thank you, God, he's so beautiful.
April Keptner held her brand new baby boy in her arms and he was beautiful.
He was only six months created within her, and he had bones of glass, and he was going to die.
But for now, he was in her arms and sleeping peacefully and he was beautiful.
Her husband, her long suffering husband Jackson was beside her, his arm wrapped comfortingly around her, barely brushing his son's cheek with a strong, dexterous finger.
That finger attached to that hand that had healed so many. That could not heal his damaged son.
His son, their son, who was going to die within the hour.
And still, she was grateful.
Grateful that her child was no longer being crushed and wounded even as he was supposed to be protected and nestled within her body.
Grateful that she had been granted this time, however short it was, to drink him in. To memorize every detail of his tiny face, of the one uncovered hand.
To gaze into his beautiful eyes when he opened them now and then. His eyes, so like Jackson's, eyes that she swore saw her, saw his mother.
And her tears that fell freely.
Hello, little one. I was so looking forward to being your mommy. Feeding you with my own body, bathing your soft little skin. Even changing your smelly, dirty diapers.
Taking you to church, raising you so lovingly in the sight and light of my Lord God.
But He decided He couldn't bear to be without you. He decided that you were too pure, too beautiful, too perfect for this world. And so He's taking you early, my son, taking you away from me. Out of this world of pain and misery so that you may spend eternity in His arms.
She felt more tears slide down her face. Felt her heart cracking so painfully in her chest, she thought she might just follow him there into Heaven.
I want to, little one. It hurts too much to stay here without you. But I can't just yet. I have to stay here a bit longer. Jackson, your father, needs me. My friends need me. My patients need me.
But I will see you again, Samuel. One day, I don't know when, I'll follow you and we'll be together forever in a place with no sorrow and no pain. It's always bright and sunny there. And warm. And wonderful.
She took a deep, shuddering breath that threatened to tear her apart.
This is not what I wanted, little one. I wanted to keep you. Watch you grow, teach you to walk, teach you to talk.
I wanted to be there to teach you to pray, to talk to your God. To make messy peanut butter and jelly sandwiches together. Cheer as you rode your bike down the driveway.
I wanted to watch you pretend to shave with Daddy, learn to read with Mommy.
Her pain was enormous, as was her love. She let it flow, she embraced it completely. She let it wash over her in great, huge, consuming waves.
Later, she would pull herself together and strive toward peace and understanding and acceptance and try to move on.
She would learn to contain her misery and woe into manageable portions
For now, she just let it go free in a flood of emotional outpouring to her tiny son.
I wanted to watch you get on the bus and wave goodbye to me. Bite your lip and try to be brave when you scraped your knee.
I wanted to be there when you graduated high school, graduated college. You didn't have to be a doctor or anything huge and impressive. I just wanted you to be happy and a good person.
I'm not going to see anything of that because you'll be dead soon.
Dead and out of pain.
And I'll have to go on without you.
Jackson. Jackson, had been there for everything, suffered along with her. And she'd not been the support he needed, deserved. She would have to be his person, his wife that he loved, when this was all over.
When she could breathe again.
When she could bear to live.
I don't know how I'm going to do it, little one. Move on without you with me.
But I don't have to decide that just now. I refuse to.
All I have to do now is hold you.
Hold you and love you and be grateful for you.
Because you're my son, you're my gift, and you're my little light.
For as long as you're with me, I will hold you and love you.
And thank my God in Heaven for this time with you.
She glanced away then from her precious son for just a moment and looked to her husband for the love and the strength she needed to continue breathing, keeping living in her suffocating emotional pain..
Then she looked back at the tiny bundled child in her arms.
Who looked as though he smiling in his sleep.
She reached out and brushed a delicate finger across his tiny balled fist.
Thank you, God, thank you for this time. I'll be angry again later I'm sure and we'll talk then. Because I talk to you about everything. Whether I want to or not.
But for now, for just one more moment, I am just grateful to hold my son in my arms, God. And know that I am his mother.
She knew time was running out. Her son's time on the Earth and her time with him.
Take him quick, Lord, before he associates me with pain. Take him home and give him peace, God.
And give me strength to let him go.
Then April Keptner and Jackson Avery's premature infant son with Type 2 Ostogenesis Imperfecta, grasped his mother's finger.
And squeezed it.
Took one final, tiny breath.
And died.
He had only lived in this world with her and with his daddy for forty-three minutes.
But he would live in their hearts forever.
I write this in honor and gratitude of my strong and healthy ten year old son. Who is currently in his underwear, bouncing off our furniture, and pretending to be a superhero.
God bless you all and I pray you and yours are safe and cared for.
Thanks to 1upguy, Nita, MoonlitShadowsoftheHumanSoul, and The Amazing LT for your gracious reviews. :)