so i wanted to try my hand at humor and this is quite possibly the stupidest thing i have literally ever written in my whole entire life

fair warning

also i barely spellchecked or anything so im sorry in advance if its awful forgive me my characterization is in the shitter and my humor as it turns out is even worse

also i may or may not fall in and out of present and past tense its three in the morning and i dont know what im doing 4give me

two kitchen tango

The first thing Vlad knew when he woke up was that he smelled alcohol, and something else stranger mixed in. He didn't drink often, but the stench was still one he could recognize easily. Really, it was hard to mistake. He squeezed his eyes tighter, and scrunched his nose. The question, now, was why? It felt like his head was pounding out from inside his skull. Groaning, he rolled over and shoved his face into his pillow.

"Aah, you're awake ~ 3!" Vlad could actually hear little hearts floating around his head.

He cracked his eyes open, and unforgiving rays of sunlight speared his brain. He groaned more, and almost dug his head under his pillow before his brain caught up with what had just happened. A voice had spoken. A voice?

Squinting, he beadily eyed the form he found laying next to him in his bed, and promptly screamed.

There was only so much a middle aged man in the midst of a life crisis could handle, and waking up naked next to a similarly undressed Penelope Spectra was not one of them.

In Amity Park, Danny was also waking up from a long night's rest. There had been no ghosts hanging around all the way up until midnight, so he'd decided to cut his losses and get some sleep. Sighing happily, he checked the clock near his bed. 8:17 A.M. Not too early, but not too late either. Perfect.

After getting dressed and eating breakfast, Danny slipped his shoes on and called goodbye to his parents. They had been working down in the lab for the last couple of days, obsessed with some new invention. He heard muffled shouts in return, and grinned a bit to himself.

Today was good.

He opened the front door.

Sitting innocently on the front porch was a mysterious glowing green package, with 'Daniel Fenton' inscribed in fancy cursive on the front. Interest piqued, he leaned down and scooped it up. Turning the wrapped item over in his hands, he curiously regarded it. It was small enough to fit in his palm, and square. It gave off an eerie, ghostly glow; although the wrapping paper itself was a simple brown parchment. A folded piece of paper was tied to the bottom with a piece of tweed.

Sighing, he pulled the note off and placed it on his side. Carefully, he unwrapped the rest.

It was a small box with black velvet padding, and gold rims around it's lid. Danny stared at for a moment before popping the top open with a soft click.

A golden ring sat nestled in the center of the box.

No matter how much he stared at it, the ring didn't make sense. Why give him a ring? Perking up, Danny remembered the note he'd set aside. Maybe it would have been better to read that first.

Unfolding it, his eyes skimmed the words, widening more and more as he got further down the page. At the end, he squawked and dropped the box like it was a hot potato. The ring tumbled out, and rolled a few feet away from him.

Danny stuttered incoherently for a few moments, blushing as red as his shirt, before finally exploding.

"Marriage?!"

The letter had been from Pandora, the Greek ghost he'd met briefly during a fiasco with the Box Ghost. Apparently, he'd piqued her interest, and after watching him for a few months - YIKES! - she'd decided that Yes, He Was Worthy To Be Her Wedded Husband, and sent him a ring to demand his hand.

Sam and Tucker would not stop laughing, and the very first thing he did was write up a 'Thank you I'm very flattered but No Thank You' letter and send it off with Cujo.

The dog returned later that day at lunch with a crumpled piece of paper. Hesitantly, he plucked it from the dog's mouth and opened it. Two of the corners had glued together with dog slobber, but he managed to pull them apart without damaging the note itself.

His hands shook as he read it, and his friends watched with interest as his face slowly matched his shirt.

"She won't accept 'no'!" Danny howled, and buried his head in his arms. The lunch table shook. "Now she's offended, but she says we're still going to get married!"

Tucker cawed as he slapped his knee, and Sam tittered behind her hand.

They stopped laughing when Ember showed up outside Danny's window Saturday morning to serenade him with a newly written love song. Apparently, competition from Pandora had spurred her into action. (Sam popped her head out of Danny's window once Ember had finished and asked her if she'd had a fight with Skulker. The answer was, as expected, Yes.)

On Sunday, a heartfelt confession poem from Dora showed up in one of his shoes.

When he opened his locker Monday morning, he found a note from Poindexter shoved in between the slots.

Tuesday after school, Danny found a skewered ghost deer hung on the wall in his room with a bright cherry red bow wrapped around its middle. Tucker screamed at the top of his lungs when it turned its head towards him and honked in the way only deer can, and Sam growled something about animal rights.

They didn't know what was going on, but all three of them decided that this Had To Stop.

Invisible, Vlad crept into the kitchen. Spectra had been plaguing him for the last week, showing up at his home to hound him about 'tying the knot.'

Last night she'd caught him at midnight munching on a plate of ginger cookies. When he'd tried to ignore her and reach for his glass of milk, she'd pulled a face she surely thought was seductive and made a few suggestive comments.

Vlad couldn't take her catching him out again; but he also couldn't take going to sleep without his midnight milk and cookies. He'd been pacing around (invisibly, still) in his room fretting over whether or not to skip his traditional snack for the last two hours. After finally working up the courage he'd stormed down the stairs. (Invisibly.) No filthy ghost was going to control him in his own home like this.

The courage had seeped out of him like intelligence from Jack Fenton when he'd gotten to the bottom step.

Vlad cracked open the fridge the tiniest bit, and peeked inside with one eye. He had to make this reconnaissance mission into enemy territory quick, or he might not make it back at all.

He intangibly slipped his hand through the fridge's door and gripped the cookie plate as a dying man would their true love before carefully extracting it. Gripping the plastic wrapped plate to his chest, Vlad stuck his hand back in for the milk. Normally he'd pour it into a nice glass, as drinking from the carton was a filthy sin reserved for uncultured swine/Jack Fenton, but soldiers had to make sacrifices in a war zone.

Spinning around on the balls of his feet with his prizes, Vladimir Masters froze solid.

Penelope Spectra raised her eyebrow as she swirled a wine glass in her slender grip. She sat before him on one of his bar stools, leaning over his marble counter insolently.

"We need to talk, muffin."

"I'm invisible, damn you. And- did you just call me 'muffin'?" Vlad growled as he dropped his invisibility. No use hiding now; he'd been caught in the enemy's sticky web.

Spectra shrugged and took a sip of her glass. "We need to have a serious discussion about us and our relationship, muffin."

"There is no relationship. There is no us."

A heavy sigh. "See? Obviously, you're having pre-marital jitters, and as a qualified therapist I am obliged to help you."

"We're not getting married. Now get out of my house." Vlad growled angrily as he slammed the cookie plate on the counter between them. Carefully. The plate was an antique, and worth a fortune.

"Now, now, now. You don't want to go throwing me out before you've heard all the facts, do you?" Spectra rolled the last words off her tongue slowly and forcefully.

"I really do. Get out." Vlad deadpanned while pouring milk into a crystalline glass. No sense in scrapping on manners now.

The ghost raised her hand and wagged her finger at him. "Ah-ah-ah! You say that, but there is something I have to inform you of."

"Whatever it is, I don't care. Get. Out. Of. My. Mansion."

Spectra leaned in across the counter as far as she could get without going straight through it with intangibility. As much as he'd been protesting, Vlad's half-dead heart skipped a beat with anticipation of her next words.

"I'm pregnant." The ghost lowered her voice to a low whisper, smirk twisting her face. "It's yours."

Vlad dropped his glass like it was on fire.

"How was I supposed to know I was Number One Bachelor of the ghost world?!" Danny hissed under his breath at Tucker, who slapped a shaking hand over his mouth to cover a giggle.

Danny glared at him witheringly.

Sam, to her credit, was able to school her face into a semblance of seriousness as she spoke up.

"Well, you won't be a bachelor for long with the way Pandora's headed."

Or not.

Danny sighed and dropped his head into his hands as his two friends erupted into uncontrollable laughter. "I thought you two were finally taking this seriously."

Gasping, Sam wiped her eyes. "Well- I mean- the deer was really creepy but-"

"How do you expect us not to laugh?!" Tucker howled, and fell back onto Danny's bed. Laughing.

"I mean, they just want to get into your pants. It's not that big of a deal." Sam said as she patted Danny on the back.

He threw her arm off angrily and groaned. "It is to me! This is my life!"

Suddenly sitting up, Tucker hummed. "That marriage thing, though. That could be trouble. I mean, how do you get out of that?"

Sam blinked. "Isn't it just a proposal? I mean, Danny can just say no, right? Pandora will be mad and she might attack because of it, but we can just beat her back. What's the problem?"

Danny shook his head hopelessly. "I asked Frostbite about it. She didn't send me a proposal, she sent me a contract."

Sam gaped at him. "That- that's not fair! What about your individual rights?! She can't force you into it! I mean, both parties have to sign a contract to make it binding!"

Danny went white and looked down at the floor awkwardly. "About that..."

Tucker exploded into raucous laughter for the seventh time that night, and Sam stared at him stonily. "Danny."

"... Yes, Sam?"

"You signed something you didn't read, didn't you."

"Um. Well." He sheepishly scratched the back of his head. "I didn't know what it was! I mean, it was just a piece of paper and it said something about more power and Amity under protection and I just. Didn't read the whole thing. I guess."

Sam groaned and put her head in her hands. Tucker's cackling was taking on a hysterical edge, and Danny punched him in the chest. To help him breathe.

Scooting closer to Sam, Danny knelt in front of her, still as a statue.

She stared at him awkwardly, and right when she almost opened her mouth to berate him again, he exploded.

"PleaseSamtherehastobeawayoutofthispleasethinkofsomethingplease." He wailed loudly, clapping his hands together like a prayer and rocking back and forward. "PleaseSampleaseIdon'tknowwhattodoyou'regoodatlegalstuffPLEASEI'LLDOANYTHINGISWEAR."

Sam rose her eyebrows, impressed at the amount of words he'd expelled in one breath. Tucker kicked himself off Danny's bed, and squatted down with them on the rug.

"Well..." She murmured, scratching her chin thoughtfully. Danny's head snapped up, and wow he really hadn't looked at her like that since they'd dated in freshman year. "Knock that off, first." Danny nodded quickly and let the pitiful puppy look slide of his face. Good. "First of all, you're gonna have to find out more about ghost marriage laws. We have no idea if they follow human ones at all, and we're gonna need to know where the loophole is to crawl through it."

Danny was looking at her like the sun shined out of her ass. Tucker looked like he might just start laughing again.

Ghostwriter was not having a very good day. First, Vlad Plasmius came barreling into his library howling something where the only two words he could make out were 'Spectra' and 'pregnant,' and gee were those two words he never wanted to associate in the same sentence.

Now, he finds Danny Phantom slinking down one of the isles looking altogether like a guilty rat.

"And what are you doing here, brat?" Ghostwriter called.

The kid jumped and spun around. He stared at Ghostwriter with his jaw hitting the floor for a good few seconds before he stood up as straight as possible and crossed his arms. "I. I'm looking for a book." Phantom said.

Now, it was Ghostwriter's turn to stare. "In my library?"

"Well. Um." Phantom grinned sheepishly and scratched the back of his head. "Yeah."

"You do realize I banned you from ever coming in here three years ago."

"Well, yeah, but this is important and you're the only ghost I could think of that might have what I'm looking for!" Phantom whined.

Ghostwriter preened. Yes, his book collection was quite staggering, wasn't it?

"Ignoring the fact that you should be here in the first place, out of curiosity - what are you looking for?"

Phantom mumbled something awkwardly and looked around the shelves.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you."

"I said, I'm looking for a book on ghost marriage laws. Something with official information, or records or something." Phantom muttered.

Ghostwriter raised his eyebrows. "Ghost... marriage... laws?" He slowly repeated, before shaking his head. "You know, you're the second person today who's wanted that book."

Phantom blanked, and looked both ways before scurrying over to him. Ghostwriter took a surprised step back, but held his ground. "Was it Pandora?!" The brat hissed at him.

"What?" He shook his head. "No, not even close."

Phantom sighed in relief. "Jeez. Whew. Thanks, man." He wiped his forehead. "Did the other ghost take the book?"

Ghostwriter frowned and shook his head. "No, just copied a few pages. Why?"

The brat fixed Ghostwriter with the most pathetic look he'd ever seen. "I was, uh... hoping maybe I could. Well. Borrow it?"

Ghostwriter laughed good-naturedly. "Ahh, I didn't know you had a sense of humor, Phantom. Good joke."

Phantom kept staring with the pitiful droopy eyes and wobbly mouth. Ghostwriter blinked.

"You're serious."

"Well... yeah? I promise nothing will happen to it! Double promise."

He had to be joking. There was no way, no way on earth or the ghost zone that-

"I'll give you my sister's number. You remember? Red hair, cute... bookish. Going to college at Stanford."

"The book is right over here, Phantom. Please, follow me~!"

Vlad sat, hunched over his desk with his knees pulled up to his chest in his chair. He'd moved a tiny refrigerator into his room, and it had two weeks worth of food packed away in it. Including his delicious cherry drop shortbread cookies. He'd put up a ghost shield outside his room, and it had been running continuously for the last three days. Thankfully, Vlad hadn't seen hide or hair of - - her - - since then. Whether she was keeping her distance after her bombshell had dropped to let him recuperate or had been pressed up against the door listening to him breathe for the last seventy-two hours, he had no idea. Neither would have really surprised him at this point.

Vlad had been pouring over the stack of papers he'd gotten from Ghostwriter nonstop.

There had to be something he could do to worm out of this.

Ghost laws were strict regarding conception. If a ghost was impregnated, the other parent would be forced into bonding. Or, marriage. Conception was a very big deal in the ghost zone, and rightfully so. Naturally occurring ghosts were exceptionally rare and almost always powerful.

Before this week, if he'd been asked Vlad would have wholeheartedly agreed with this law. Now, however... he had a few problems.

First of all, he wasn't even one hundred percent certain that - - she - - was actually... pregnant. She could just be trying to trick him into an eternal hell from which he'd never be able to escape.

And second? He loved Maddie. Plain and simple.

Third, and perhaps most important; Even if she was indeed carrying, there was no way that Vlad was going to put up with Penelope fucking Spectra for any longer than he had to. There weren't many beings he truly hated on this earth. Number one was and would always be Jack Fenton. Number two?

Penelope fucking Spectra.

Vlad still wasn't sure if he'd even slept with the witch. His mind screamed and howled no every time he considered it, so he tried not to. It was also entirely possible that she'd set him up and he was innocent of any sexual encounters with her. Which would also mean she would be lying about carrying his child.

Vlad nodded sagely. Yes, that's the explanation he'd go with. For his own good and continued mental health.

Snagging a cookie from the fridge, he nibbled on its corner while going over the pages again.

Really, the only loophole he could find wasn't really even that useful to him. So far, the only way of escape he could see was to -

"-be already married." Sam finished, and softly shut the book.

Tucker was shoving a burger into his mouth faster than Danny thought should be humanly possible. He suddenly started coughing and choking, spittle and meat bits flying across the table at Sam. Danny cuffed him on the back a few times, and Tucker managed to cough up the chunk of tomato that had been stuck in his throat.

"Did you hear me, Danny?" Sam asked.

"I'm trying to pretend like I didn't." Danny absentmindedly said while salting his fries.

"There's really no other way around it that I can see." She muttered, and leaned back against the booth seat.

"How is that supposed to help him, Sam?" Tucker whined. "I'm getting sick of him complaining, it was funny at first but come on!"

The table was quiet for a few moments before Tucker started snickering. "No, no. I lied. It's still hilarious."

Danny growled, and shoved a handful of fries in his mouth. "Not helping, Tuck!"

Sam frowned. "No, this is better than you guys think. I read the section of the book on divorcing bonds too, and it's so much more simple than in the human world!"

"Bonds?" Danny asked around mushy potatoes.

"If you'd been paying any attention at all, Danny, that's ghost marriage. They call it marriage too, but the proper term is just bond."

"Aah. I still don't see how that helps, though. Does that mean I can maybe just break up with Pandora real quick? And it'll be like it never happened?"

"No, not quite." Sam pensively chewed on her thumb's fingernail. "To break a bond it's simple, but both sides have to be in agreement. You just get the ghost pastor or whatever to null it. They won't do it without confirmation from both parties of the bond, though."

Danny groaned. "If I could get her to agree to a divorce, I'd just not go through with it in the first place!"

Sam fixed him with a gleam in her eye. "Aah- but did I say you had to get Pandora to agree to an annulment?"

"Huh?" Danny asked intelligently.

Tucker, however, seemed to catch on. He sat up straight, and Sam could almost see the light bulb pop up over his head. "Does the contract have some kind of, uh, time limit or something?"

Sam nodded with a self-satisfied smirk. "It sure does. If the contract isn't fulfilled in nine months, it automatically nulls itself."

Danny looked between the two of them, fry hanging from his mouth. Suddenly, he thumped his fists on the table and spat out the french fry. "So! Wait! If I can find someone to marry me who doesn't actually want to marry me to divorce me later we can avoid marrying her?!"

Tucker shook his head sorrowfully. "I'm disappointed in myself for being able to follow that sentence."

"Shut up, Tucker!" Danny howled as he thumped the table again, drawing stares from the other people in the diner.

Sam reached across the table and flicked them both in the forehead. "Bingo, boys. All we need is someone who, for whatever reason, is willing to ghost marry you for nine months!"

Danny sighed happily and threw his hands up in the air. "Then it's solved! I mean, one of you guys can just do it, right?"

"Wow, Danny. I thought you'd never ask." Tucker pitched in a high falsetto, throwing his arm across his forehead and fluttering his eyes.

"Damnit, Tucker-" Danny started, but Sam cut him off.

"No can do, I'm afraid."

Danny gaped at her again, hands falling to the table and grasping at the air. "Why not?!"

"We're humans, Danny. We don't apply to ghost law."

Danny pulled back and stared at Sam and Tucker. "Shit."

"Look at him, Sam. You'd think he never knew we were human!"

Sam snorted and spoke up as Danny opened his mouth. "So we're going to need a ghost willing to marry you for at least nine months, and is also willing to divorce you later. To edit my earlier statement for your convenience, Danny."

Danny groaned and pushed his empty french fry container to the side before dropping his head to the table hopelessly. "But all the ghosts that don't wanna marry me hate me!"

Tucker and Sam nodded sympathetically.

Vlad grabbed his hairband and ripped it out savagely. It was either that or break another cookie dish, and he'd spend far too much money on those to do that.

He was frustrated. No, more than frustrated.

Vlad had been scanning the pages he'd gotten from Ghostwriter for days, and he'd only found the one loophole: Even if a ghost was carrying his child, if he was already bonded there would be nothing they could do.

As long as he could stay bonded with them until it became clear that - - she - - wasn't actually pregnant, he could dispute her claim and refuse the order. And as some ghosts never technically changed their shape or 'showed,' he'd have to wait the whole nine months.

The biggest problem now would be getting a ghost to bond with him for nine months. For the umpteenth time, he cursed the strictness of bonding. He needed a ghost that would be willing to bond with him but also willing to break the bond.

Vlad could count the amount of ghosts that liked or owed him a favor on one hand. He'd already asked Skulker, and after some initial confusion ("Plasmius, as much as I value our continued work relationship and mutual usefulness, I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn down your generous offer in fear of my girlfriend-") and attempted bribery ("NO, the answer is NO! I'm not going to bond with you, Plasmius! I don't care how much new equipment you buy me! NO!") he determined that Skulker wasn't the right man for the job. Not that it couldn't be a woman. Just. Figure of speech.

He'd already called up on the favor Ghostwriter owed him, and as expected, the librarian didn't take well to Vlad's proposition. ("If you don't get out of this library right now I will rewrite your entire life worse than it is now, Plasmius.")

He'd tried asking a few other ghosts, but had been met with similar distaste and violence.

The problem was, Vlad couldn't just force some random ghost to bond with him. Bonding was a sacred act that both ghosts had to be in complete agreement to perform. Force wasn't going to get him anywhere, and he was well and truly stumped.

Sudden sounds of a scuffle drew his attention below him. Vlad was currently flying over Ghostwriter's library, and he had to stifle a snort when he saw Daniel shoot through the window and crash into one of the floating doors. He entertained the thought of asking Daniel to bond with him for a moment, but shook his head. Daniel would be the last person to ever agree, Vlad knew with certainty.

"Yes, sir! Never coming back, sir! I understand!" Daniel howled as a stack of books came flying out the window he'd come from. The biggest book sailed the furthest, for some ghost zone gravity related reason Vlad would never really understand, and knocked Daniel in the head.

"Ouch! Shit- hey, that wasn't very nice!" Daniel shrieked (dreadfully, Vlad might have to get his ears checked for damage later) and turned to fly away. His eyes met Vlad's.

Daniel stared at him for a few moments before jolting right up into Vlad's face, cheeks flushing. Vlad readied ectoblasts around his hands and drew a fist back to defend himself when-

"Vlad, I need you to marry me!"

He froze.

"So let me get this straight. You slept with Penelope fucking Spectra?" Daniel deadpans with his arms crossed, now floating a safe distance away. "But she's pregnant and you don't wanna deal with the kid? You're such an asshole!"

Vlad sighed. "For the last time, Daniel. She is a manipulative snake of a woman. I don't believe for a moment that she's actually pregnant, or that I even slept with her." He smirked. "But really, Daniel. You sign your soul over to a proud, beautiful woman who loves you by accident then try to bond with anyone else to avoid it? That seems like a rather rude action to me, my boy."

"Ew. God. Vlad, if we're gonna be married for nine months you can't do that. It's creepy."

"What?"

"The 'my boy' thing. It's not gonna work."

"Ah. ... Understandable."

...

"And she doesn't love me, she just appreciates strength. Two totally different things."

"I see."

...

Daniel groaned. "Now that we've assessed the fact that we're both kinda dickheads, what next?"

Vlad scratched his beard.

"You do that better." Daniel said.

"Do what?"

"The beard scratching thing. Sam always scratches her chin like she's trying to scratch her wise old man beard but she kinda doesn't have one so it's awkward. At least you have one."

...

"I suppose our next step would be to contact a pastor, or someone with the qualifications to bond us." Vlad proclaimed, tactfully changing the subject.

Daniel nodded. "If anyone finds out about this I'll beat the shit out of you, Vlad."

"Likewise, Daniel. When do we set up the ceremony?"

"Does now work for you?"

Vlad thought about - - her - - and how it was highly possible she was waiting back at his mansion for him to get back so she could pounce.

"Now is perfect."

Clockwork offered to bond them. Danny cheered, because Clockwork wasn't likely to blab about The Most Embarrassing Moment Of All Time to anyone else. Vlad agreed, because a tiny part of him shrieked in excitement at the idea of having a Master of Time bond him.

Did they get anything special for being bonded by a Master of Time? Vlad pondered.

They fixed the ceremony up as fast as possible, with nothing fancy and no attendants. A low-key event. They're all in Clockwork's tower, and Clockwork is off to the side while Danny and Vlad are standing in the middle of the room holding hands.

Clockwork eyes them from under his hood. Or, Danny is pretty sure he's eyeing them. He can't really tell considering Clockwork's eyes are all red, but. He's sure.

"I am here today to witness the-" Clockwork starts.

Vlad steps in, tapping his foot impatiently. "Can we just get to the 'I do's?"

Clockwork frowns at him. "I suppose that would be fine, but I really would prefer to do this traditionally, it-"

"Please, Clockwork." Danny most definitely doesn't beg.

"Oh, alright. Alright. Fine. I knew you would insist but I had hoped - Do you, Daniel Phantom, take Vlad Plasmius to be your bonded in the afterlife and death?" Clockwork is obviously miffed, but folds.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah-"

"You have to say 'I do,' Daniel." Vlad whispers too loudly to be a whisper.

Danny glares at him from the bottom of his soul. "I do." He grinds out.

"Do you, Vlad Plasmius, take Daniel Phantom to be your bonded in the afterlife and death?" Clockwork turns to Vlad.

"I do."

"Then let the both of you be bonded souls until life do you part." Clockwork finishes and bows with a flourish. Danny always knew he was a show-off. "You may bond cores."

Obviously, neither of them had read that page on bonding. Vlad had only copied the pages regarding legalities, and Danny hadn't even read the book.

Sam, being human, had figured bonding cores to be something like a dinky ghost kiss and didn't mention it.

"Clockwork?" Danny asked blankly.

"Yes, Daniel?"

"What's core bonding?" He let go of one of Vlad's hands to scratch his head. Vlad nodded in agreement to the question.

Clockwork shook his head. "I knew, but I had hoped." He repeated.

im so sorry