Disclaimer: I don't own Draco (Though I wish to) and I don't own Monty Python or John Cleese (Though I wish to) Don't sue me.
Snape looked impatiently at Draco, whose hair was now bright pink and was dressed in an all black dress.
"When did this happen!?" referring to Draco's new looks. Draco smiled as if to say something very clever and well planned. What came out was this:
"It was the day before yesterday and the day after today when this happened." referring to his new looks. Snape didn't want to admit it, but Draco looked very nice as a girl. His black pumps made his legs look even more feminine then they already were. The black dress had a 50ish flare to it. The bottom of it started to flare out at the hips and stopped at the knees. The top had thick straps that hooked in the back in a halter top fashion. He looked almost exactly like a girl and a good looking one for that matter.
"Well what was the reason for such a… Dramatic…change." Draco smiled and replied:
"I was watching the telly, the muggle kind, and several things intrigued me."
"Like cross dressing." Snape said rather deadpan.
"Precisely!" And with a giggle Draco skipped off to his first class of the day.
"Oh, I do wish him the best of luck!" muttered Snape, shaking his head the way one does in situations such as these.
Harry was walking down the hall when Draco came skipping down the same hall Harry was presently occupying. Harry froze in his tracks. He automatically recognized the blonde, despite the pink, Slytherin, and was completely shocked at his attire. Draco stopped also and stared at Harry. The conversation went as followed:
Draco: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
Harry: ………. (Still in shock that Draco's in drag.)
Draco: 'Ello, miss?
Harry: (Vaguely) miss….(still very dazed)
Draco: (Pause) I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Harry: Wha--- (Very confused)
Draco: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Harry: Parrot???
Draco: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead that's what's wrong with it!
Harry: Ummm, no?
Draco: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Harry: What the- Malfoy did you know you're in drag?
Draco: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Harry: Plumage, dead, drag…??? Is this some sick joke Malfoy, 'cause if it is-
Draco: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the imaginary cage)
'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...
Harry: Malfoy, there is no bloody parrot!
Draco: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Harry: …..
Draco: (not even phased the Harry isn't playing along) Yes, you did!
Harry: Crazy, you are crazy!
Draco: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Thumping bag against Harry, throws it in the air and watches it fall with a thud to the floor)
Draco: Now that's what I call a dead parrot!
Harry: You belong in Saint Mungo's! (Turning to go)
Draco: (grabbing his arm) STUNNED!
Harry: Let me go Malfoy!
Draco: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
Harry: Please, let me go.
Draco: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Harry: (warily) Why?
Draco: (Doesn't care if it was the wrong line) Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
Harry: That is truly sad…
Draco: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Harry: What do want from me?!?
Draco: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
Harry: PLEASE! I'm late as it is!
Draco: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Harry: Good! Because I sure as hell don't!
Draco: Does it talk?
Harry: Does what talk?
Draco: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Harry: Please don't yell, you'll make people stare. (But it was far too late, as many onlookers had gathered around the pair watching amusedly as Draco tortured Harry unwittingly.)
Draco: Bolton, eh? Very well…. This is Bolton, is it?
Harry: No, this is Hogwarts, and I'm Harry Potter!
Draco: I understand this IS Bolton.
Harry: No, you don't understand, this is Hogwarts.
Snape: What goes on here?
Harry: Help me please sir!
Draco: You told me it was Ipswitch! (to Harry)
Snape:….. It was a pun. (All eyes turn to Snape) -What?-
Draco: A PUN?!?
Snape: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
Draco: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
Snape: Yes, that's it!
Draco: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!
Snape: Well, what do you want?
Draco: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Fudge :(Out of no where) I Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly... (takes customer by the arm) Come on, you, you've got to go do another sketch now! Come on... (he walks off stage left, followed by the director and cameramen, leaving the owner alone on the set)
Snape: (to the audience) Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place.
I wanted to be...
LUMBERJACK!
Draco smiled and bowed. As did Snape. The students were too stunned to say anything, so they just stared at the two. And to this reaction Draco said:
"Tough crowd!" And walked off to Herbology. Harry stood there, motionless. He was a bit shocked and a bit disappointed.
"What about the alternate ending????" shrugged and walked away.
Meanwhile: Draco went to greenhouse number three and was greeted by his fellow Slytherins, who regarded him with much curiosity. The Gryfindors took one look at Malfoy and burst out laughing. And of course poor, dear Pansy started to sob. How else would one react when their prince turned into a princess. Oh, well. Not many care for miss Pug face.
After a while everything had settled down and their lessons had begun. In the middle of a long, rather dull lecture Draco stood up, pointed towards Hermione and shouted:
"A witch! A witch! I've found a witch1 A witch! A witch! A witch! I've found a witch! Burn her! Burn her! A witch! Burn her!"
Neville jumped up in a panic. "A WITCH! WHERE, WHERE! BURN HER! SAVE ME!!!!" the whole class turned to look at him. "Um… Hormones???"
Draco however wasn't bothered by Neville's frantic shouts, instead he turned to Professor Sprout and frowned.
"I've found a witch, may I burn her?"
"But Mister Malfoy, the school is full of witches. Why do you want to burn just that one?" tossing her head in Hermione's direction, who was quite shocked.
"Well, she turned me into a newt." the class looked at Draco. Up and down. He wasn't a newt.
"I got better."
Sprout had had enough of Draco going on in such an insane manner. "Please Mister Malfoy, sit down and don't interrupt anymore."
"I've got a recorder up my nose."
"………."
"Want to hear?"
"SIT DOWN MISTER MALFOY! 20 POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN!!!" And with that Draco 'Humphed' and mumbled 'I was just trying to have a little bit of fun.' and he sat. But you can be sure that that was not the last we say of Draco!
After Class: with the Gryffindors:
Herm: That was strange.
Ron: He was wearing a dress.
Harry: I think Malfoy has gone mad.
Ron: They all do.
Herm: All Malfoy's go mad?
Ron: Yeah, I heard it from my dad. He said it was just a matter of time before Draco cracked, and he was right.
Herm & Harry: Oooooh (Impressed)
Harry: Why then is he quoting Muggle movies, certainly he hasn't seen the light.
Herm: Amen brother!
Harry: Made a CHANGE!
Herm: HALLELUIAH!
Harry: Turned his life around, no longer is he a singer! He is FREE! HE IS FREE!
Herm: SING IT BROTHER!
Harry: PRAISE THE LORD!
Herm: PRAISE THE LORD!
Harry: Halleluiah.
Ron: You are both insane.
Herm & Harry: sorry.
After that the trio walked to their dorms quietly. They were all hoping for a nice quiet dinner. Away from Malfoy and away from Monty Python reenactments. Their wish was half granted.
THAT NIGHT: In the main hall. Dinner time, all the houses have gathered. Draco has pants on, but they are plaid, and flare out at the end. His shirt was a super tight Sponge Bob t-shirt. He sat their quietly eating only strawberries. Everything seemed to be in order. As the students all settled in their seats all that could be heard was chewing Dumbledore stood up to say a few words.
"Today, I have heard, has been a rather eventful day. We learned a lot about people, things that shouldn't be known. And might I enforce upon you that I highly discourage the wearing of female garments by male students. That means no cross dressing, let us all try to keep to normal dressing habits. You may all continue to eat." There was light laughter from the student body and many nasty glances towards our hero, Draco, but he paid no mind. In fact there was a small smirk playing on his lips.
Soon things quieted down again, and everyone was chewing and chewing. Everything was normal. But when dessert came that changed. Music started. It slowly got louder and louder. Suddenly Draco jumped on to the table and sang a little something that went like this:
It ain't so much a question of not knowin' whut to do,
I knowed whut's right and wrong since I been ten.
I heared a lot of stories~and I reckon they are true~
About how girls're put upon by men.
I know I mustn't fall into the pit,
But when I'm with a feller~I fergit!
I'm just a girl who cain't say no,
I'm in a turrible fix.
I always say "Come on, le's go!"
Jist when I orta say nix!
When a person tries to kiss a girl
I know she orta give his face a smack.
But as soon as someone kisses me
I somehow sorta wanta kiss him back.
I'm jist a fool when lights are low.
I cain't be prissy and quaint~
I ain't the type thet c'n faint~
How c'n I be whut I ain't?
I cain't say no!
Whut you goin' to do when a feller gets flirty
And starts to talk purty?
Whut you goin' to do?
S'posin' 'at he says 'at yer lips're like cherries,
Er roses, er berries?
Whut you goin' to do?
S'posin' 'at he says 'at you're sweeter'n cream
And he's gotta have cream er die?
Whut you goin' to do when he talks thet way?
Spit in his eye?
I'm jist a girl who cain't say no,
Cain't seem to say it at all.
I hate to disserpoint a beau
When he is payin' a call.
Fer a while I ack refined and cool,
A-settin' on the velveteen settee~
Nen I think of thet ol' golden rule,
And do fer him whut he would do fer me.
I cain't resist a Romeo
In a sombrero and chaps.
Soon as I sit on their laps
Somethin' inside of me snaps~
I cain't say no!
I'm jist a girl who cain't say no.
Kissin's my favorite food.
With er without the mistletoe
I'm in a holiday mood.
Other girls are coy and hard to catch,
But other girls ain't havin' any fun.
Ev'ry time I lose a wrestlin' match
I have a funny feelin' that I won.
Though I c'n feel the undertow,
I never make a complaint
Till it's too late fer restraint,
Then when I want to I cain't~
I cain't say no!
Snape stood up and applauded loudly.
"Encore! ENCORE!" But there wasn't to be a encore because Dumbledore had cast a silencing charm on to our poor little Draco. He instructed Draco to meet him at his office, they'd talk about this scene after dinner.
"Yes Sir" replied Draco, whose silencing charm didn't work to well, and he stalked from the room. He was closely followed by Snape, Dumbledore, and a multitude of other professors who were interested.
IN DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE: Draco sat in a chair in front of Dumbledore's desk. The teachers were all gathered around them. (what Dumbledore is about to say is abridged from what it was originally)
"Rebellious subject, enemy to the peace!
Will you not hear?- What ho! You man, you beast!
With purple fountains issuing from your veins:
On pain of torture, from those bloodied hands
Throw your mistempered weapons to the ground,
And hear the sentence of your moved Headmaster.
Three civil brawls bred of an airy word
By thee, young Malfoy
Have thrice disturbed the peace of our quiet halls
And made hog warts young students
Cast by their-
"Please, please stop butchering the Bard!" Draco begged. Dumbledore smiled.
"Then you are done with your…. 'games', Yeeess?" Draco looked up at his headmaster a bit shocked. 'Was that a, could it be???' Draco smiled ear to ear.
"I will be a good student, oh my brother." The only noise in the room was Snape's chuckle. Then Dumbledore said in a hopeful manner:
"Can we assume then that you'll stop?" And to this Draco did reply:
"But what I do I do because I like to do." Snape giggled and said:
"No time for the old in-out, love. I've just come to read the meter."
"Huh?" Was the most sensible thing old Dumbie could say. Draco, on the other hand, was quick to challenge Severus.
" The placement was all wrong, what you should have said-"
"I interrupt this to say that this has gotten to silly" Voldemort looked on solemnly. " Now I appreciate a good joke now and then, but that, that was to silly. What I would like to see is some good and old fashion Army skits, yes a good killing, nice and serious-" SPLAT! (Harry Potter dropped an anvil on his head.)
"Oh, Dear!"
And to this day that is how it all came about. It came about that way, that was the way it came about. So you see, Draco is sexy and Harry isn't, but Harry did squish Voldemort. So it just about evens out. And that story held all the answers to life. One question still remains:
"Why?"
Draco looked up to see Dumbledore and the rest of the student body staring at him.
"Why what?"
"Why did you do all of that?"
"Well one day I was watching M*A*S*H and I got this brilliant idea! If I dressed up like a woman and acted all insane, like Klinger, I could get out of the army, thus get out of Korea and go home to Toledo."
"You aren't in the Army Draco, and we aren't in Korea… This is Hogwarts, you go to school here… Remember?" Draco looked around for a moment and replied:
"Ah, yes. I'd forgotten."
THE END
ALTERNATE ENDING"
Harry: D'you…. D'you wanna come back to my place, then.
Draco: (Looks around) Yeah, alright, sure.