"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."
– Anais Nin
The sound of four people pacing echoed through the empty hall. GoGo noticed with irony that Fred's pacing was a bit like flopping, Honey's heels clicked smartly on the ground, and Wasabi's was like clomping. Her own pacing was impatient and fast. The only person who wasn't pacing was Hiro.
GoGo stared sullenly at the ground as she walked rapidly up and down the hall.
My fault… all my fault… for all I talk about speed, I wasn't fast enough… I could've saved him… I could've… too slow… my fault…
Her thoughts began to run together like watercolours and she pressed her fingers to her temples.
Hiro… he's not even making a sound. I can see the whites of his eyes… they'll never forgive me… it's my fault… MY FAULT… I'm such an idiot… Tadashi… Tadashi… TADASHI…
"GoGo?" said Honey Lemon uncertainly.
No. Honey's never uncertain.
"Are you okay?"
No. Not okay. My fault… all my fault…
"GoGo?"
The lump in her throat made it hard to swallow. GoGo avoided Honey's searching eyes.
"Are you okay, GoGo?"
The old GoGo would've suppressed it and popped her gum casually. The old GoGo would've assured Honey that there was nothing to be concerned about.
Instead, she ignored Honey and closed her eyes. Underneath all the anger and frustration and shock and fury, she felt hollow. Emotionless. Still like the surface of a lake. But then ripples began to spread across that still surface, and she felt all the pent-up things inside her crack.
And GoGo cried.
GoGo never cried. "Crying's for sissies," she always said. She always screwed up her eyes in determination and continued on, no matter what happened, no matter what people said, no matter how impossible it was. Crying's for sissies.
Does that make me a sissy?
GoGo wanted to be strong. Crying was for weak people, for people who couldn't control themselves, for people who had no restraint. Crying was weak.
She let herself be weak, just this once. Because it was her fault, and Tadashi was gone, and she'd never see him again.
.
.
.
GoGo was crying. But GoGo never cried! Hiro's scientific side was spinning in confusion. Why was she crying? She said crying was for sissies, once. Why was she crying?
Honey Lemon hugged GoGo, her glasses slipping over her nose. She whispered soft words into GoGo's ear, and smiled.
Cry, Hiro thought. Scream. Shake. Sob. Do something!
But GoGo did nothing. She sat there, elbows on her thighs, tears slipping from her face silently like someone had pressed a mute button. Hiro didn't even hear her sniffle quietly, like Honey was doing.
He felt empty, for some reason. Devoid of feeling. He should be crying. It was his brother.
My brother. He's my brother. He's my best friend. He's by teacher. He's my companion. He's my brother. He's gone.
Gone for good. That's what people said. Gone forever. Tadashi wouldn't be returning.
Or would he? The doctors didn't confirm whether he was or wasn't alive…
Hiro's thoughts circled round and round like a never-ending circle. He felt so tired, so exhausted…
Honey gave him a sympathetic glance and put her lab coat around his shoulders.
Hiro gave her a grateful smile and she patted his head gently. Inside, his thoughts whirred like a recently-oiled machine.
What if Tadashi's dead? What if Tadashi's not dead? What if Tadashi's dead? What if Tadashi's not dead?
He was going crazy. Tadashi, help me.
"Excuse me?" said a voice.
Everyone looked up.
It was a nurse holding a clipboard. She nodded at the door.
"The doctor needs to have a word with you."
.
.
.
"He's badly burned," said the doctor. "He'll need a prosthetic arm and leg, and it'll take a while for the hair on his left side to grow back, if he survives. The surgeons are just finishing up in there. You don't mind waiting, do you?"
GoGo gave an involuntary cry of relief, and clutched the nearest thing, which happened to be Mochi.
The fat cat shrieked in shock and leaped away.
She smiled shakily.
Tadashi… you're alive…
She ignored the doctor's words that repeated themselves again in her head: "If he survives." She didn't want to remember them. Instead, GoGo pushed them aside and clenched her fists. Tadashi still had a fighting chance.
Thank God, you're alive…
.
.
.
"I really appreciate it that you guys came," said Aunt Cass, as she handed out small lunchboxes. "Here's some bagels, and there's juice boxes in my bag."
Hiro had to smile half-heartedly at his aunt's chipper tone and optimistic expression, but his face faded back when he saw the defeat behind all her happiness.
"Thanks," he said, and bit into his bagel.
They ate silently, huddled together in their chairs, seeking comfort in each other, except for GoGo. Hiro glanced at her. The purple streak in her hair seemed darker than usual today. And she had turned her back to them; instead, she was eating all by herself, chewing slowly and deliberately.
"Hope you like it!" said Aunt Cass. "Ah, just so you know, there's fruit cups and waffles in that plastic bag, if you want dessert. And by the way – "
"You don't have to pretend, Aunt Cass," Hiro said. "You don't have to pretend that everything's all right. It's not. We know you're worried about Tadashi."
"Of course I am!" Aunt Cass nearly exploded. "What was he thinking, that stupid, stupid boy, running into a BURNING BUILDING? And even now, with Professor Callaghan dead as well… It was all for nothing, wasn't it? Oh, heavens, I will give him the lecture of his life when he wakes up!"
Fred cracked a smile, and Honey said, "Let's hope for the best."
And Hiro couldn't help but notice GoGo hunched up in her chair, deaf to everything and everyone.
.
.
.
Blueberry bagels and cream cheese… GoGo felt a tear run down her cheek. It was just like the day when Tadashi had left for home. She'd been determined to stay and work on her bike in the lab, and it was about eight-thirty in the evening when he burst in with a lunch box filled with a cream-cheese slathered blueberry bagel.
"You need your dinner," he'd argued, when she'd protested.
Despite her previous relief, GoGo was now wracked with nerves. The doctor said the surgeons were still working on him.
Working on him… her mouth twisted. Tadashi wasn't some sort of machine you could work on. What happened if he didn't come back? What happened when she'd finally stand in front of a gravestone? What then?
What then, Tadashi?
But what if he did survive? Would he blame her for not stopping him? Would he blame her for being too slow? Would he blame her for the burns?
Obviously there'd be burns. It was a fire, for heaven's sake.
But the thought of Tadashi's face marred by hideous red stripes made GoGo's eyes flash.
Thinking about Tadashi, surrounded by surgeons in masks wielding sharp metal tools was giving her chills down her spine. She could only wish that this had never happened – that the fire had never started. That Tadashi wouldn't be worked on by surgeons now. That they'd be walking home for ice cream at the Lucky Cat Café, celebrating Hiro's impressive performance.
If only.
"Well, I better be going," said Honey Lemon reluctantly. "My mom will be angry at me for getting home at twelve."
"Are you sure you don't need a ride?" said Aunt Cass.
"No, no. Wasabi's driving me."
"See you," said Hiro quietly. And Honey Lemon, whose cheerful grin had turned tired, hugged him.
"See you."
Honey embraced Aunt Cass and Fred as well, and finally stood in front of GoGo.
GoGo raised an eyebrow, but it was done without her usual smirk.
"If you think you're getting a hug out of me, you've got another think coming," she said drily, and Honey laughed. She was hugged anyways, though, and GoGo gave her a grateful nod.
As the doors closed, Aunt Cass looked at GoGo.
"Aren't you going home, too?"
"No," GoGo replied sharply. "I used Honey's phone to call my parents. I'm staying here until tomorrow."
"Really, GoGo?"
"I'm not leaving."
Aunt Cass sighed. "Of course."
GoGo finished off her bagel, chomping ferociously, hissing when she accidentally chewed at the side of her mouth.
Through the metallic tang of blood, she glared murderously at the wall.
You'd better survive this, Hamada. I'm not leaving this hospital until you can walk on your two legs, prosthetic or not, and I am NOT going to leave you. I wasn't fast enough just now, and this is all my fault.
So do me a favour, and live.