Pre-Story A/N: Okay.. So the format switching might seem a bit weird, but I'm just going where my muse takes me, so go with it too! I will be using Light's POV in journal form, then just sorta going into normal story form. BTW it is not an actual Death Note, and sadly there will be no real murder notes in this story. But there shall be hawt, lusty boy action, hence the M rating. R&R!

I so don't own Death Note..it pretty much pwns me though. :D It's so painfully obvious I do not own it. Pretty much I own this little story here, and this orange popsicle.. I have merely borrowed the characters, made them a little OOC and will perhaps have some OC's. Not for sure yet, anyway!

Beyond It All

Chapter One Drawn to the Light

DEATH NOTE

Journal, Please Keep Out

Entry 1

What have I ever had to complain about? I have a family who loves me, I am top of my class, every class I have ever been in. I am handsome, beautiful, god-like even, in looks and charm. I can talk my way into and out of almost everything, a sweet talker and an amazing liar. I have a father who is proud of me, although he rarely sees me for who I am, I can deal with him loving me from a far. Or at least that is what I tell myself so that it wont matter anymore. I have never had any true friends, no one can keep up with me enough to ever be more than a mere pawn. I could care less about anyone, except my self. Although sometimes I have glanced at a few who could perhaps come close to the edge of my boarders, and even then it was slim pickings. I constantly turn down everyone..

I am always wanted and adored wherever I go, and I cannot complain because I have always enjoyed being admired. Except it doesn't make up for what I have always truly wanted; a person worthy of my time and attention. A person I can finally be myself around. Of course, I'm almost completely sure I'll never find this person. If I'm lucky I'll find someone who can at least beat an above average intellect in a battle of wits and looks. Not that I'm attracted to anyone, well to any girl at all, in fact I have probably never been truly attracted to another person in my life. Yet, I keep girls around simply so no one will question me and my preferences. I could always be honest about it, but once that is out then my reputation is forever ruined, or changed..

Being gay has never really bothered me, personally. I just know how it will feel when my parents finally look at me, realize that I have been lying to them so much more than they ever realized. Of course I have secrets, they whisper behind closed doors, I'm a teenager for heavens sake! But not secrets like this, my father, chief of police will never understand. My sister would probably accept me, but acceptance from a 13 year old is not very reassuring, even if she is top of her class and just as charming as I am. Too bad she is not older and a bit more interested in intellectual conversations, I feel as if I could actually get close to her when she is older and more mature. If she ever grows up and changes, that is.

Entry 2

Today was no better than the last few months, it has been so long since my first entry. And if you can believe it, my life has gotten worse. I am in a constant state of boredom, nobody and nothing can keep me from going a little insane each time I go to school and learn a lesson. Ha! Learn a lesson. As if my teachers have anything to teach me...I think I shall begin to learn German, I have already learnt quite a lot of languages...German will feel good, it's harsh and lately, I just fucking want harsh.

Entry 3

I don't think this is going to get any better, I used to be so full of life. My namesake, so full of Light. But now.. Now I am losing myself. All I have become, all I am...is a mask, a fucking shell and I have no clue what it is I live for anymore. I just wish I had something to keep my mind captivated until I found a reason to keep going on.

Of course I go through the motions of life, what would be the point of letting everyone else down around me? Calling attention to myself is just asking for trouble. And yet, I wish sometimes they would just try to see me, beyond perfection, beyond perfect son, student, boyfriend, friend, brother, lover, fucker. Although I wouldn't know, I wont let anyone in enough to do that with. I think it would make me sick to give in and let someone touch me, or maybe I'm above such petty things. Sometimes I even wonder if maybe I'm not even gay, but just some sort of asexual person. It's just that humans are such disgusting, boring creatures and I cannot seem to be captivated by any of them.

God, send me something, I'm bored of this life.

Entry 4

Today...today my father found out. He said he heard from another person in the force that I was seen around "a group of gays." I told him they were friends, acquaintances more like it. But the way he looked at me, I could tell. He knows, he knows and he hates me, he is sickened by me.

My mother and sister have no clue, although they would probably take it better, like I said before. But my father, he cannot stand that I am like this, and now I see why he has always distanced himself from me. He knew one day I would fail him.

I am a failure in his eyes.

Entry 5

I shouldn't care what he thinks, except I find myself unable to hold back emotions I used to be so skilled at hiding. I once wanted to be him, be my father, for the homophobic creep that he is. He watches me closely now, asks where I've been, who I've been with...as if he'd believe any answer I give.

Today, it felt like someone was watching me out of the corner of my eye. I saw a man, not Japanese, he was Caucasian...and I thought he was following me, but that's crazy. I mean, he wouldn't go that far, would he? Have a man follow me, make sure I'm not fucking some man-whore in a back alley after school? Or is this man someone else completely. I will get to the bottom of this.

Entry 6

My suspicions were correct...I don't know why my father underestimated me, I have assisted with many cases with the force. To find out the truth I hacked my fathers system, again, and found the man's file. An American private detective who used to be FBI, Ray Pember. What a poor excuse for an agent, he used to solve crimes and now he follows young teens around making sure they aren't fucking men, living a perfectly acceptable lifestyle?

Being gay isn't bad, I should be proud, no. I should just be happy with who I am, there's nothing unnatural about it, or strange. Plus, maybe I'm not actually gay...Although I have met someone who is sort of cute, not that I see him as being long term, but Ash.. He's cute; black hair, dark eyes, pouty, kissable lips...and he even plays a mean game of chess..

Okay, that settles it. I am definitely gay...

Also I have also upped the security in my room. I feel like this diary can never be safe enough; I have installed a false bottom to my drawer and created a fake diary. It is another "Death Note" notebook, the latest craze in Japan, although I hear they are going to be banned because of the serial killer "B," who has taken to writing down-in exquisite detail-who and how they will kill in note books and sending these notes to the police in order to mess with their heads.

I have also "heard" (Okay, so I might've hacked my father's computer some more..) L is involved in few of these cases, now there is someone I would love to meet. Or be, although I'd never say that to him. But.. he is amazing. He is justice personified and clearly very intelligent. I have never seen his face (obviously) but I assume he is older and maybe even handsome. Or maybe I'm just looking for someone like me, someone to find me and whisk me away?

Christ, I'm so uke, it's not even funny.

Entry 7

So I kissed Ash, quite a bit...and then I was nearly killed. I have been in the hospital for a week. I just got home and my painkillers are almost kicking in. I feel so robotic about it, and yet I can still feel the knife in my back, the carvings drawn into my skin. Some sick bastard grabbed me and Ash...and decided he'd have a little fun with me and him. Ash, he got away but it took a long time for them to find me.

The man...The man with the red eyes and black hair; the unnatural look to him, like a photocopy. It's weird, but I feel like this man was somewhat a kindred soul to me, in a sick sort of way. He didn't apologize, instead he told me that I was beautiful and that he needed to create some art on one of God's finest angels.

I cried, I admit it and I feel sick from it. But he told me that I was another liar, and that I had to show my true colours, "Let my wings out," he said.

Then he drew me a pair, deeply into my back, two beautiful angel wings.

It was strange but I had always wished for a pair, although these would be pretty useless to me. I bet he could've been a great artist if he wasn't such a sick fuck. I asked him "Why me?" and he simply licked his blade clean and told me it wasn't because I was gay, it was because he needed some Light in his darkened state.

I watched him and he devoured the blood from the knife, crying out whenever he'd add something new. This is B. The words had run through my head and before I could stop myself I asked him and he smiled and nodded.

Then I asked another dumb question, as if I'm fucking immortal and impervious to that damn knife of his. It went something like this "Don't you care that I know what you look like now, B?" At the same time I was asking myself why I was practically enticing this creep to kill me now. Instead of killing me B's smile simply grew larger and more vicious, he answered me back, and the weird emphasis on "Beyond" is still strange to me, is this a clue? Or his name?

Anyway, he said: "Why Light...I'm simply way Beyond caring." Then he laughed manically as if this was the best joke ever told, and when he saw how confused I was he just laughed harder. Then, while still laughing, he dropped a blood red Death Note beside me, bashed in my head a few times with the metal handle of his blade.

And then...then I woke up in the hospital.

In the note book copy I had been given by my dad, B Or is it Beyond? wrote that he would hunt me down and find me, tie me up and do things that I couldn't imagine. In short he wrote that he would write scripture on my arms and legs, fucking hang me on a cross, upside down, driving nails and thorns into my skin, creating a crown for me.

I would be his Light, and after three days of fucking living, he would take me down and cut me up into little pieces, so that he could eat me nice and slow. And of course, it said he would share. "Cause everyone should have a little Light in their lives." I write this without much emotion, but inside I am trembling. It also said some things about my family, how he knew where we lived, and "how much time we had left."

It scared me, scares me...and I hate to admit that. So now we are moving away. Well, we are all moving away, but I am not going with my family. I'm too much of a danger to them.

They are relocating to America where my father has been offered a job, he has kept crime rates down so low here, he is very well known. He choose a small state, out of the way, our names will all be changed, our lives deleted.

Entry 8

My father blames me, he yells at me and tells me its because I'm different that we're in this fucking mess. Because I went sneaking off to go kiss some "fag," and he sneers that word...He hates me, so badly. He tells me I have ruined everything, and that when we finally move I will no longer be his son, no longer will I be his only son.

I used to be his pride and joy and now I'm just some fucking mess.

Maybe if I end it now, then I could keep that sick son of a bitch-B-away; no one to play with, no Light to consume and destroy. I shudder when I think of his hands on my skin, they moved slowly, but I could tell he wished for his fingers to be graceful.

I guess we monsters can read each other pretty well.

He guessed my secret dream was for wings and freedom...and his...His was to be someone else, someone perfect, to be worthy and powerful.

But that's not too hard to figure out, is it? Don't we all want all of those things?

I have always wanted them and even now. I long for freedom and for wings that wont simply scar and fade to pearly white lines, but real fucking mobility.

I should probably be careful for what I wish for.

Entry 9

I got to keep that copy of the pages from that man's Death Note. I don't know why my father let me have them, maybe to make me feel guilty? Regardless I keep them with me all the time. I keep them hidden here, and a second copy is on myself. I hate him, my father...and Beyond.

But I am almost grateful for the chance to leave Japan.

Good thing I know so many languages, and I have no one to keep me back. I know I will miss Sayu and my mother. I miss them already, they know that my father and I fight constantly, even when we are not in the same room. It's like a cold filling this house, breaking us all up from the inside out.

It is a Light blinding us all and terrorizing us, sometimes Darkness is best.

Sometimes I simply wish to stop being Light.

Entry 10

This will be my last entry in this Death Note, I will hide this in my luggage and hope that someone will find it who understands. I can't do this anymore...

He hit me today, hit me hard. But that wasn't the worst of the it. He pulled a gun and took off the safety. Telling me he'd "See me in hell," he pulled the fucking trigger, right in my face. Except the gun had a blank in it.

I thought I was going to die, second time in a month. My own father, he hates me so much, he wanted to just leave another little scar on me, this time an emotional one that will never be lost, believe me.

I will never forget him, never forgive him. I hate him, and I finally understand what he wants me to do. Goodbye, everyone.

I love you mom, Sayu. Stay safe and I'm...

I'm sorry.

***


Voices surrounding and attacking him, blurring, Raito didn't know where they started or stopped.

"We're going to need a stomach pump, now!" "How much did he take?" "He swallowed the entire bottle, I don't know if he can make it, not only that but his damn wrists wont stop bleeding." "Well, work on this stat, I can't stand to see another kid die like this." "Can you hear me, son? Stay with us." "Raito, Light, wake up. Don't die, please brother." "I can't believe you'd do this to your mother and I, you are even more pathetic then I first thought, Raito. I am ashamed of you." "Sir, can you here me?" "Wake up, please. Oh my little boy! Oh, no! No." "Come, we must go, the plane leaves in a few hours." "But, he...We didn't get to say goodbye." "That's not Light anymore Sayu, that's just some impostor, a coward, in his body." "Daddy? No. It's Light in there, I can feel it."

A soft pair of lips brushes his cheek and Light feels tears, his own and his sisters. He feels her light breath on his skin. "Brother, my brother. I love you so much. You are Light, you will always be Light. The brightest star, the best person I know and I will always love you. Don't forget me, find me, okay? I'll miss you so much, Light. Don't do this again, okay? Find me-you have to find me, oka-NO! Stop it! I want to say goodbye! -Dad! Stop it! I'll find you Light!" "Sayu, we're going, now!" "Light! LIGHT! LLLLIGHT!!!"

Darkness. Darkness and death. Almost death, I had wanted to die so much. And I couldn't even do that, God must be playing a cruel game with him. Or maybe he was destined to die at the hands of that man, that red-eyed freak.

Beyond...

I'm so Beyond caring too, B.

I'm so Beyond being Light.

I simply wish for Darkness..

Darkness...

There is no Light here.

---

"Light-Kun...it's time to wake up now." A soft hand is placed within mine, tightening, gently brushing. "Light-Kun, please wake up. Your sister will never forgive you if you do not." Then gently, barely spoken the words "Please, Light. Wake up...for me."

hmm.. wonder who that person at the end of the chapter was! :P

End of chapter 1 btw!

And now for a Post-Story A/N: Soo.. Review please, pretty please? I shall offer you some of this orange Popsicle that I own, it's all I have that...and some leftover candy from my trip overseas.. :D and that's bout it..

Okay, So I have some more written, and some ideas about where this will go.. But I'm not really quite sure where that muse will take me just yet. Sooo there will be MTC.

Right now I'm listening to trip-hop chick music, "Sleep, he said, you're already dead.."

I should do something productive... But that's just lame!

Love it or hate it? Give me some feedback, I welcome it! ('cept the flames might make me sob uncontrollably and that, my friends, is simply not a pretty sight)

Cheers,
Zilander Kat

There will be more to come! :hearts: