Summary: Sometimes, letting go is the only way to heal, and now it was time for him to tear down the wall.
It's been awhile since I came to hang out here on , but I had the idea for this fic kind of running around in my head earlier today, so I decided to put fingers to keyboard, and this is what happened. I was thinking about how much of a revelation it must have been for Fai to let go of his fake smiles, tear down his inner walls, and just be himself. I meant for it to be shorter, but once I got going, it kind of just dragged itself out. Slight spoilers.
Do we still do disclaimers here?
Disclaimer: I do not own Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles. Please support CLAMP and buy the graphic novel in your local book store.
It had been so hard to tear down the wall.
For so long, his mask had been his shield, his scapegoat. He had constantly wrapped it around himself like a cocoon, a shroud, engulfing himself within its clandestine confines and never letting even the smallest ray of sunlight in.
He had been hiding and dodging, telling lies to himself and everyone around him for so long now that the falsehoods came easily to his lips. He had had no qualms about faking his way through any and every human confrontation that came his way.
All of this was true, had been true, that is, until he met him.
When he first joined Syaoran-kun's group, he had simply intended to come along for the ride, helping the others a bit here and there along the way. All along, he had known that the time for him to go on this journey would come. He was expecting it, but all the same, he had no intention of binding himself to other people ever again. He had no intention of allowing for someone else to be hurt through their connection with him. His cursed birth would not end any more lives. That had been his plan, anyway.
Up until now, Fai had been able to keep a thick, sturdy wall between himself and his peers. He didn't have to give anything away if he didn't want to. That's what he did: He took, and took, and took; taking everything he could from those around him and never giving anything back. Ashura-o had told him that in order to heal the hearts of those around him, he should smile. That healing gesture, however, had turned into a curse. Fai's smile never reached his eyes. There was always something dark there, hidden, just out of sight. He smiled, he wore his mask, he hid behind his wall of deceit, and he slipped, ever so gently, into the lives of Syaoran-kun, Sakura-chan, and Kurogane.
It was surprising, how easy it was to crack that wall, how easily it had been for Kurogane to tear away Fai's pitiful, smiling mask.
Throughout their journey, Kurogane could see through Fai's fake smiles. He could tell that the mage was lying, even if he couldn't discern what it was that the magician was holding back. Surprisingly enough to the ninja, though, the more he managed to see through Fai's mask, the more the mage revealed his true face. Once or twice, Kurogane found the dark look, normally contained within the magician's eyes, written across his entire face. During those times, Kurogane felt that he was finally seeing Fai's true face. In Piffle World, Kurogane had seen a real smile flash across the magician's face. The gesture, soft and wistful, looked 'right' as the mage watched the kid and the princess.
"When I see them smiling and trying their hardest, I can't help but think they've changed," the mage had said.
"If you think that, then you've changed, too."
They had been so close to finding the true essence of the magician.
All of it was torn away in Tokyo.
His brush with death had reminded Fai of the line that he had set for himself, between himself and his companions. It was a line that he himself had crossed, without even knowing that he had.
It had started simply with the nicknames that he created for the ninja. Kuro-rin, Kuro-pu, Kuro-tango, Kuro-wan-wan. They had all been so much fun, and it was a blast to see how angry he got every single time. It never got old. Then the smiles of the children and Mokona's openness...Before he knew it, Fai had allowed himself to become a part of the group, had allowed himself to be more than just a small occurrence in the every-dayness of their lives.
He realized how much of a mistake that had been when Kurogane saved his life.
He couldn't let himself get close to them again. He repaired the cracks in his wall, reinforcing them with the force of his determination. Gone were the nicknames, and gone, even, were the smiles. He betrayed nothing anymore, to anyone, keeping all of his emotions inside of himself, cutting himself off from Kurogane, who had gotten him to reveal so much already. He couldn't allow himself to forgive him.
And then came Celes.
Against his will, his past had been revealed. All of a sudden, they knew what he was. They knew of his curses, of his lies, of how dirty he was. He couldn't bring himself to face them, and yet, when his magic started to close the world around him, he pushed his body to its limit to try and save them.
And then Kurogane had made the ultimate sacrifice.
These thoughts all danced through Fai's mind, sometimes rapidly, and other times they idled, dwelling on the smallest of details as the mage contemplated everything that had happened up to that moment. As he waited in Nihon Country for any word as to Kurogane's condition, he thought. They all had made so many sacrifices for him, given up so much to make sure that he didn't disappear from their lives, Kurogane especially. Why was that?
He knew.
To them, to Kurogane, he was no longer just a stranger that would wander through their lives one day only to be forgotten the next. He was necessary. They wanted him.
The funny thing was, despite all of his efforts, he wanted them, too. He wanted to let them into his life, and he wanted to be a part of theirs. He wanted to belong, to protect them in any way that he could. He wanted to keep them safe. He realized that as he saw the stream of red erupt from the place where Kurogane's arm should be. When the ninja pulled him through the portal out of Celes, Fai could only think of the blood, of stopping the bleeding. The thought that Kurogane could die had never even crossed his mind until that moment. To him, the ninja had always been invincible and acting force that could be brought down by nothing. Finally, Fai realized that Kurogane was human, too, and now, all that mattered was that he make sure Kurogane, and the kids, were safe.
The path had been long and hard, and far too many sacrifices had been made, but finally, he had arrived.
It was time to tear down the wall.
"Sorry to have kept you waiting. Please come in."
Slowly, he walked into the room. His face set into a deep frown, he approached the ninja's bed. The two made eye contact, Fai's expression unreadable, Kurogane's weary. They held each other's gaze for ten long seconds.
Fai's hand balled up into a fist. He beamed the injured ninja in the head, holding nothing back.
"This is payback, Kuro-sama."
On his face was a smile.
Thanks for reading. Compliments and criticisms are much appreciated.
Sincerely,
MidnightxBluexBlack