Disclaimer: Okay, I DO NOT own: Arnold Judas Rimmer, David Lister, Kristine Z. Kochanski, Kryten, Cat, Holly, and I suppose Jim or Bexley.
I DO own: Nicole Gloria Adler-Rimmer, Charlotte Adler-Rimmer, Ginny Carver, Jesse, Kemble and Vitani.
Phew.
Author's note: The inspiration for this fanfiction came directly from another written by Feline Ranger. I am eternally grateful to you for letting me use your idea, and I am fully of the opinion that no publicity is bad publicity (unless you murder someone). This is THE last fanfic I will write using any of the characters that I made up. :'( Please RR, and enjoy!
Lister woke with a start. Kris sat up, startled, and put an arm around her husband, "What? What happened?"
"I had another one of those dreams." Lister said, shaking.
"Oh dear," Kris said, genuinely sympathetic. Several of the crew, including Rimmer, Cat, Kemble and Jesse, had started having nightmares. "What did she do this time?" she whispered tentatively.
"I don't want to say, it's too horrible!"
A loud scream came from down the hallway.
Everyone was there when the couple arrived. They were standing around Nicole who was shivering.
"You had one too?" Lister asked her. She nodded, breathing heavily.
"We've got to do something about that gottaluvarnrimmer," Holly said firmly.
"But what can we do?" said Rimmer despairingly, "She's posted what seems like ten fanfictions in the last few months!"
"I don't suppose there's anything we can do but hope she settles down," Nicole said, "I mean, look at all these new characters!" she glanced at Ginny, Jesse and her own daughter.
"She's even made Rimmer…caring!" Lister spat.
"She is insane," Cat agreed, "She's got to go. Now!"
"Why?" Ginny inquired.
"Why?" Rimmer echoed incredulously, "She's changed everything! Lister and Kochanski have had children," one of the two started crying from down the corridor to prove Rimmer's point.
"She's given Rimmer a reason to be alive," Kochanski said as she walked out of the door to tend to Bexley.
"She made Mister Lister really horrible in Nicole," said Kryten, quite upset at the memory.
"And Krytie wasn't exactly Mother Teresa in Love, was he?" Vitani added.
"She gave you a deadly disease in Love…" Lister said to Nicole.
"…and Changes," Rimmer continued.
Nicole turned to her husband, "Let's not forget the disease she gave you in Changes as well."
"Yeah, but that was never gonna kill me. She tried to kill you off in Nicole..."
"…also in Changes…" Lister added.
"And twice in Love," Cat finished.
"Wow," Nicole breathed, "She really doesn't like me, does she?"
"She's pretty stupid as well," Kochanski said disdainfully as she came back, "In No Longer a Secret she made me say 'have you ever done anything with the opposite sex' instead of 'the same sex'. And she made us make out!"
"Oh, come on, be fair," Nicole reasoned, "it wouldn't have been much of a story without us sharing a gay kiss. 'Still a Secret' doesn't have quite the same ring to it, does it?"
"Me and my dad would be an unkempt dream if it wasn't for gottaluvarnrimmer," Kemble said nostalgically.
"We wouldn't have these four beautiful children!" Vitani said wistfully.
"And I never would have found love," Rimmer said wrapping his arms around Nikki.
"Niether would I," Cat mused, gazing at Ginny.
"Or me," Holly piped up.
"Or me," Kryten reiterated, "Maybe we owe more to gottaluvarnrimmer than we primarily realised. I mean, we suffered in the process, but the rewards more than made up for it."
"Let's try and reason with her," Rimmer declared after a reminiscent pause
"How d'you mean?" Lister asked.
"Well, ask her to be nicer to us, even if it means the rewards aren't as great."
The others murmured and nodded in agreement.
"Please," started Kochanski, looking towards the ceiling, "gottaluvarnrimmer, please hear us."
"We know you're just trying to have some fun," Nicole joined in, "we know you're just trying to relax. But could you please, please, please be more considerate to our needs?"
"We would love it if you could write a fanfiction," Holly began a deal, "which didn't involve disease, or broken hearts, or crashes, or Internal Ship Messaging."
"A fanfiction that maybe didn't involve so many characters," Rimmer said.
"And I only had a curry a few times!" Lister exclaimed.
"We are all so grateful," Kochanski concluded before anyone else added any silly remarks, "but we are also incredibly tired! We beg of you to write something which is both exciting and humane. What do you say?"
There was an expectant pause.
I'll think about it…