He couldn't believe they were having this conversation, again.
You're going to have to let me go sometime, dear. This isn't fair to either of us. You have to let me go.
She was laying on the hospital bed, seemingly unconscious, but he knew better. She was always awake when he visited. It was their little secret.
"I know you want me to let you go," he started, "But I just can't. I know I'm being selfish, but I don't know what I would do if you were gone."
He could practically feel her sighing and tossing her hands in the air.
You need to get the fuck over it! Get over me! I hate that I have to talk to you through Legilimency! I hate that I am alive right now, Draco! This is not the life I wanted. When I married you, when I signed the legal forms, I was not expecting this to happen.
"You signed them anyways, Hermione."
Well, obviously, seeing as I am still occupying space that could be used for someone else who really needs it. Draco I am not coming back any time soon. I am miserable and humiliated. I don't even have control of my own body functions—do you have any idea how embarrassing that is? The man I married wasn't this selfish. I understand that you love me but—
"But nothing, Hermione. I love you, and I want you around forever! It's extremely selfish but I will come undone if you are gone!"
Do you honestly have no idea how much pain I am in right now, mentally? Do you know how fucking boring it is inside of my own mind? One would think I could occupy myself but I am running out of things to think about. I am miserable. I fucking hate being alive now. I just want to die. I am growing to resent you more and more every day, Draco, don't you fucking get it? I don't want to be remembered this way, damnit!
"Hermione, you don't really—"
I do fucking mean it, you prick! 'Hermione Granger, victim of traffic collision.' Bollocks. Brightest witch of my age and I get hit by a car? That's bloody well the most pathetic thing I've ever heard about myself. It should have been a fucking rogue Death Eater or at least a ricocheted spell or SOMETHING MORE IMPRESSIVE THAN A FUCKING TRAFFIC COLLISION!
"Hermione don't you think you're being a bit tough on yourself?"
No, and quite frankly I'm being a bit light if I do say so myself. I should have figured out a way to fucking end it on my own. I can't fucking sleep with those fucking beeping machines on! I can't get any rest during the day because everyone fusses over me. I can almost smell the pity radiating off of everyone, Draco. But worst of all is that your scent of desperation is so thick I can practically taste it. It makes the air full of so much static electricity I'm afraid I'll be electrocuted. God, why are you so upset about my death? I'm never going to be the same Hermione ever again. I will only be confined to this bed in this horrible coma and I'm solidly miffed that you are engraining this image out of everything we've been through to be your last of me. KNOCK IT OFF, YOU BIG BABY!
He couldn't help but chuckle. She was mad, she was in a coma, but she was still the same. He was holding her hand, drawing small circles on it with his thumb.
"I'm the biggest baby you've ever known, Hermione."
You're going to rub my skin raw, Draco. You always pressed too hard when you did that to my hand.
"I know. But I only do it because I don't want to let you go."
You have to let me go, dear. I'm not the same anymore.
"No, I won't—"
Please leave, then.
"Hermione, please don't be like that—"
Don't be like what, exactly? Pissed out of my mind that my husband won't let me fucking die when I am clearly miserable and hate my fucking LIFE that you have so selflessly saved for my own good? No. I told you, Draco, I am growing to resent you more and more every day, so you should save what little affection I have for you and pull the fucking plugs!
"Hermione, I can't do it."
Get out.
"Please just –"
Did I stutter?
"No, I just—"
GET. OUT.
"Hermione, please—"
LEAVE ME ALONE. IF YOU WON'T LET ME DIE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
He reached for her other hand, but was stopped when he was shocked through his wife's skin.
"Damnit, Hermione!"
I told you to leave, Draco. If you refuse to respect my wishes for death, then at least leave the fucking room.
Sighing heavily, he ran a hand through his hair, before getting up and slowly walked towards the door. He stopped at its frame, turning around to say his goodbyes.
"I love you a lot, Hermione, and I know you know that. I know you still love me, even though you hate me right now. You are my own personal paradise, you know that? I don't know what to do when that leaves…when you leave. You are paradise, and I don't think I'll be able to survive without you."
I don't hate you, Draco. Goodnight.
"Goodnight, love."
A nurse stopped by the room to tell him visitor hours were ending in 15 minutes. She must have been new if she didn't recognize the man with blonde hair who spent all visiting hours in Hermione Granger's room. Draco Malfoy nodded to her politely before slowly walking down the hall. He hated leaving her alone, but he couldn't help it. He wasn't allowed to stay with her. She wasn't allowed to be removed from the hospital.
Every single night, he went home feeling more guilt than the night before. It was eating him alive—he had lost his appetite completely save for alcohol and cigarettes, and his mother was beginning to worry about him. Narcissa Malfoy had paid a few visits to Hermione, having little chats with her mentally, trying to ease the resentment she felt towards her son.
The next day, Draco was hung-over, again, so Lady Malfoy took it upon herself to visit Hermione that day. When she quietly padded into the room, she did not expect the conversation that soon followed.
Why won't he let me die, Narcissa? Why is he being so selfish? I don't want to live anymore.
"Oh deary," the elder woman simpered, true to her proper upbringing.
"Hermione, you just need to push through this. Giving up won't solve anything."
Staying alive isn't solving anything either. Every day they replace my IV drip, every single fucking day I shit myself against my will. I can't even have real food, just some nutrient pack they put in my blood. This is not living, Narcissa, and I do not wish to go on like this.
Narcissa sniffled, hurting to see her daughter-in-law in so much emotional pain. Hermione was always the optimist, always ribbing her son for being down in the dumps. To see such a happy woman feel such dark emotions, something was obviously wrong.
How long has it been since the accident?
Narcissa swallowed, tears filling her eyes to the brim before spilling over.
"Th-three y-y-years, dear," she whispered.
Three years exactly?
The elder woman shook her head, although the unconscious young lady lying down couldn't have possibly seen it.
"No, but next Tuesday it will be. Today is Wednesday. You're twenty-four now, Hermione."
Tears were fiercely streaming down Narcissa's face. She had so much of her life left, but it had to be cut short. Even if she was alive, she wasn't technically there anymore. Her body was a shell at this point, a hollow placeholder for the wildly magnificent woman that once occupied it.
Draco told me I was his paradise, did you know that? 'Paradise.' How sick. The love of his life confined to a hospital bed, unconscious for the rest of her life, and he still has the nerve to call me his paradise. Why won't he let me go? I feel like a pet rather than his wife. I can't do anything for myself, Narcissa.
"I know dear, and he's taking this hard, too."
Oh, that's rich. Nothing is as hard as being helpless, Narcissa. Nothing. At the end of the day, he still gets to make his choices and I'm still left here, as a vegetable. His paradise is a great big…well, a great big potato! If I wasn't so bloody pissed at him, I'd find this laughable.
"Hermione! Please don't speak like that!"
I'm sorry, Narcissa. I really shouldn't be disagreeable with you, of all people. Besides Draco, you were one of the first Purebloods to stop calling me a Mudblood. I've always appreciated that, you know. More than you'll ever know.
The two were comfortable in silence for a few minutes, before Hermione spoke up again.
Hey Narcissa? Could you possibly do me a huge favor?
"What do you need, dear? I'll do whatever you need me to."
I need you to get me my wand. I also need you to keep it a secret from Draco, at least until I've passed completely. He never comes in on Mondays - he's always got an important meeting he's got to be in attendance for. Please bring it on Monday. Please, Narcissa.
"What are you going to use your wand for?"
Do you want the honest truth?
"Not particularly, I'm afraid of what I'll hear."
Alright, then. I'm going to play some tricks on a few of my orderlies because they've been very annoying lately.
"I'll bring your wand on Monday, then."
Thank you, Narcissa. You're a lifesaver.
She almost laughed openly at the irony of Hermione's words. A lifesaver. She had a feeling in the darkest places of her that she wasn't going to be saving anyone's life on Monday. Over the weekend, she gave Draco a list of errands to run so he would be out of the house. He would be at the hospital all day Sunday, and Narcissa would be able to steal Hermione's wand then.
"Hermione, please say something to me."
He could hear the purposeful sigh before her walls were put up again. He'd never met anyone better at Occlumency than himself, until he'd tried Legilimency on Hermione, only to be thrown backward from her mind.
"You can't keep me out forever, you know."
He looked at her in sadness before putting his head down into his hands. He groaned in frustration every so often during the next thirty minutes of silence. He urged her to respond to him, tried to get through her mental defenses, but even his physical touches were repelled by her.
It's going to be silent when I die, Draco. You are not going to be able to keep me like this forever. You're not being brave like you told me you would be.
His head snapped up from his hands, as he scrambled to his feet.
"You remember that? Hermione, you weren't even conscious for that!"
I'm not conscious now either, dimwit, but here I am, speaking with you. But you told me you'd be brave, and you are not being brave. I thought you were better than that, Draco.
"Are you calling me a coward, Hermione?"
Not directly, but I suppose that's the largest subtext at the moment.
"Please explain to me how I am a coward, because from my perspective I am being quite courageous when I come to see you every chance I can and you're in this condition!"
You're cowering away from the life you will have after I'm gone. I won't be alive forever, Draco. I'm not sorry I have to tell you, but I'm sorry you have to hear it. I will die someday love, and it really isn't fair for you to make the decision on my mortality, especially when you are making it out of your best interests.
"Hermione I don't like what I'm hearing right now."
Of course you don't! But you had better listen to me, and listen good! You don't want to lose your paradise, I get it, but I'm not some feelingless blob of earth nestled between your toes, Draco! My existence is not for your benefit only! Please just let me go. You have to keep living without me. I'm already using borrowed time, love.
Draco Malfoy, for the first time in his life, cried in front of someone who wasn't his mother. He threw his body over Hermione's and sobbed into her unconscious body as the gravity of it all hit him. Denial had been the safest route through it all, he had convinced himself, but that proved to be untrue. He could feel the pain Hermione was in. She had projected the feeling of being trapped and helpless into him so clearly that he found himself wishing to switch places with her. Ashamed couldn't even come close to how he was feeling about his past actions.
I wish I could hold you right now. I miss holding you. That's what I miss the most. I miss smelling you on all of my belongings, and that cute little birthmark on your forearm that you hate so much. I miss the way you used to kiss my temple. Everyone always kisses on the forehead or the cheek, but you always kissed my temple and I loved that so much, Draco. I don't mind if you find another woman after me, dear, but you're killing yourself by not letting me die. You've been grieving before I've even left, and that isn't healthy.
Choking on a sob, he asked if he could hold her, like he used to. After clambering into the hospital bed with her, he held her close to him.
I can hear your heartbeat. It's lovely. I love you so much, Draco. I'm so sorry.
"I know I'll have to live without you one day, Hermione, I do. I just-"
Pausing to bite back another wave of tears, Draco looked down at her unconscious face. As he remembered all the nights he just watched her sleep, a new tear dripped onto her cheek, and for a moment, it seemed as though they were both crying.
"I know you're going to leave me, but I can't bring myself to take you away. I know that makes no sense, but I just can't be the one who does it. I really am a coward, Hermione."
For the rest of the afternoon, the two lovers shared their favorite memories of their relationship. Draco's sobs ebbed into silent tears as he watched his past interactions with his beautiful wife flash before his eyes. Leaning into her, he planted a kiss to her temple, before whispering over her skin.
"I love you so much, Hermione. I wish I could have been a better man—I know my selfishness has caused you pain."
I'm sorry for making you feel bad. I understand why you did everything though. I still love you, Draco. I always will. Even if you are a nitwit!
He couldn't help but laugh at the statement. Humor shouldn't have been happening at a time like this, but he couldn't help it.
"I love you so much Hermione. I should get going, though. Visiting hours are nearly over, and that new girl might remind me again."
And how dare she do her job. Draco Malfoy, you are positively ruthless.
Another chuckled rippled out of him as he got out of the bed.
"Sorry I'm not fond of people trying to shoo me away from my wife!"
Oh, you big baby, go home and eat something. I can tell you've lost too much weight. I wouldn't be surprised if your hair has started to fall out already.
By reflex, a hand flew up to his head, checking to make sure it was all there. Much to his surprise, his hairline was smaller—a whole inch had receded, possibly more, and the color drained from his face.
I can feel you whimpering about your hair. You need to eat, Draco. Please eat. For me?
He walked slowly to the door, complaining that he already had one mother and that he didn't need, nor want, another one. The two laughed about how silly he was being, but in the end he promised her he would eat more often. He said goodnight, and so did she, but the entire way home he had the nagging suspicion that something was off. Figuring he had forgotten to run one of his mother's endless errands, he shrugged it off, and made his way home to find something to eat.
The hospital staff couldn't figure out what happened. Draco knew better. Hermione's wand had been missing when he came home on Monday from work. The nurse who accidentally gave Hermione the blood pressure medication for a man three times her size had no recollection of the event. Draco could tell what had transpired. Hermione had gotten to her wand somehow, Confundo-ed the nurse, and received the abnormally large dose of blood pressure reducer instead of its intended recipient. The hospital staff seemed to be waiting for Draco to explode into some sort of tirade about how he was going to sue them for everything they were worth, but the detonation never occurred. It was when he was standing in the hospital morgue, paying his last respects to her, that he really realized what had been wrong the night before. She hadn't said "goodnight," to him.
She had said, "Goodbye."
Thank you so much for reading this one-shot! This piece was inspired by the song 'Paradise' by the korean group Infinite. if you would like to hear the song, I suggest searching 'Infinite paradise english subs' as the song is Korean.
Thank you, again!
-VintageGinger