Augustus Waters watched his funeral with a bitter kind of sadness.
Knowing there was something afterwards, something for Hazel to look forward to, was comforting to only him. He watched the unwilling tears leak over his casket, and the pain etched into Hazel Grace and he wondered if he could assure her he was okay.
If he knew attending his funeral as a ghost would come back to bite him he would have never teased about it in the first place. Augustus just wanted to keep some humor, some happiness in the dark times, but now he almost wished there was a blunt nothingness to the afterlife. No consciousness or pain, just oblivion. At least then, he wouldn't have to watch the roller coaster of emotions unfolding before him.
Family and friends cried, shook, and choked. They spoke fondly of Augustus, some having to pause and force back their sobs, and he could only clench his teeth and sit through it, which was a strange, ironic kind of oblivion.
It was Hazel's turn to speak now. She unfolded the paper in her hands, and looked upon the mourning crowd, but instead of reading the words she had privately spoken to him she looked defeated for just a moment. Hazel folded up the paper once more and began to speak.
This speech was not for Augustus. It was for his family and friends dressed in black, tears soaking their cheeks with tired, bloodshot eyes. It was for the living that had gathered for him, or rather, for themselves, and while he felt a sensation of wistful longing to hear the words she once spoke to him in the chapel, ultimately Augustus was grateful her words were comforting to his friends and family.
The shining light behind him came to attention and Augustus thought maybe he couldn't move on. Whether his own will, or the other side of that light forcing him back would decide if he could was the question, but he knew at this moment he didn't want to leave Hazel Grace. He loved her, and he wanted to stay with her, because God, he loved her so much, but what would that accomplish? Hazel would be gone sometime soon, and then they would both be stuck on this unfair earth, thanks to him. After this chance was gone, he couldn't enter the light, and knowing Hazel she would refuse to go without him.
Augustus knew he had to do what Hazel would. To suck it up like the strong-willed person she was, and move on no matter how painful. That was the good thing about Hazel Grace. She was strong, putting other people before herself. Keeping the damage to a minimum. Now, it was his turn, and in the name of Hazel Grace he would walk away without looking back.
Well, maybe a quick glance wouldn't hurt.
His eyes tracked down Hazel once again, and Augustus immediately regretted it. She was in pain. He could tell. If he kept looking he wouldn't be able to leave.
So he turned away, and faced the bright light he could somehow look straight at, and he walked closer. Augustus approached oblivion with both of his legs intact, and a still broken Hazel Grace somewhere behind him.
Unwillingly, but determined, Augustus knew Hazel would see him soon. She was strong, and she would step through the light without hesitation, where he would be waiting.
Still, as he took his final step into the white light Augustus couldn't help feel the need to pull out a cigarette, put the killing thing between his teeth, and light it.
The movie made me cry so I wrote about it. Haven't read the book yet, but anyway, just a one shot of Augustus attending his own funeral.