Inspired by the patient recordings from the Arkham games, but otherwise completely unrelated.
Disclaimer: Don't own Batman, but I do claim ownership of myself and everything contained therein (lungs, intestines, testicles, etc).
Arkham Asylum: I Don't Get Paid Enough for This Crap
The following are recordings of actual sessions conducted in Arkham Asylum by Doctor John Fitzgerald. They have not been altered in any way.
Patient #183940
Name: Unknown (alias: The Joker)
Dr. Fitzgerald: And how are you doing today, Joker?
*The Joker shrugs*
Dr. Fitzgerald: Would you... care to expound upon that?
*The Joker shrugs*
Dr. Fitzgerald: Not that I'm complaining, but our sessions usually open with an inappropriate joke or the occasional brandishing of homemade weapons. Would you care to tell me what has brought on this uncharacteristic lack of enthusiasm?
*The Joker sighs*
The Joker: Fitzy, do you know what day it is?
Dr. Fitzgerald: Wednesday?
The Joker: No, no, not the day of the week, I mean the date.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Ah. Well, that is the reason why I scheduled our session early this week. I am well aware that it is April Fool's Day. Ordinarily we would take extra security precautions, but since those never seem to work anyway, I thought I might as well use this opportunity to gauge your mental state.
The Joker: Oh, you needn't bother. I intend to do nothing more than sit in my cell and sulk for the rest of the day.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Really? I'm not entirely sure I believe that. I would think that this would be your... "busiest" day of the year.
The Joker: Ugh. A joke is only ever funny when you aren't expecting it. Going on a comedy spree on April Fool's Day would be like a ghost jumping out of a closet to frighten some deflowered high school trollop on Halloween. April Fool's is my day off.
Dr. Fitzgerald: I suppose that makes... sense. But that doesn't explain why you seem to be acting, well so... subdued. Again, not that I'm complaining, but this is rather unprecedented.
The Joker: For the next...
*The Joker looks at the wall-mounted clock*
The Joker: ... Thirteen hours, my entire reason for existing is gone. Kaput... um... see? I can't even come up with anymore whimsical ways to say that my life is now pointless. Do you have any Thorazine? I'd actually like some anti-psychotics to take the edge off.
Dr. Fitzgerald: That's fantastic! I'll see what I can do. Um... what are the chances that this change of attitude will continue after today?
The Joker: Bupkis. Please don't take it personally if I end up stabbing you in the throat with a pen tomorrow. It's just business. You understand.
Dr. Fitzgerald: I'll... keep that in mind. Well, while we're "on a roll" so to speak, would you like to discuss your childhood?
The Joker: Urge for fun... rising.
Patient #437551
Name: Jonathan Crane (alias: Scarecrow)
Dr. Fitzgerald: Good evening, Jonathan. It's nice to meet you.
Jonathan: Hm. I'm sure, but in the future, I would prefer if you were to address me as Dr. Crane.
Dr. Fitzgerald: I don't mean to be rude, Jonathan, but it says here that your medical license has been revoked.
Jonathan: Regardless, I did not go through four years of undergraduate study, four years of medical school, and four years of residency, just to be referred to as "Jonathan".
Dr. Fitzgerald: Of course. Whatever makes you comfortable, Dr. Crane.
Dr. Crane: Hmph. "Comfortable". An interesting choice of word.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Uh... Dr. Cra-
Dr. Crane: Do you have any idea how much the sea level will rise due to global warming by the year 2100?
Dr. Fitzgerald: Um... no, I'm sorry, I don't.
Dr. Crane: Twenty-three feet.
Dr. Fitzgerald: That's very interesting.
Dr. Crane: "Interesting"? I should say it was rather alarming. Terrifying even. Wouldn't you?
Dr. Fitzgerald: I suppose I haven't given it much thought, but it certainly seems to be cause for concern.
Dr. Crane: "Cause for concern"? Such a massive rise in sea level will mean the utter abandonment of many of the world's coastal cities, and since most trade is conducted from these cities, this would result in world economic collapse. Such an unprecedented catastrophe should be leaving you a gibbering fool, hiding under your desk.
Dr. Fitzgerald: I'm sorry, but I really can't say the thought causes me any visceral terror, though perhaps it should.
Dr. Crane: "Perhaps it should"?! You fool! Your world teeters on the brink of destruction, and all you can muster is indifferent "concern"?!
Dr. Fitzgerald: I didn't mean to upset you, Dr. Crane. Interesting. I was under the impression that you were not afraid of anything.
Dr. Crane: "Afraid"? Me? I am the Scarecrow! Master of Fear! He who commands the very darkness that hides in the recesses of all men's souls! I do not fear global warming. In fact, I relish the chance to observe the horror that shall be inflicted on those feeble-minded cretins such as you who would ignore the signs, even as their world is consumed by the waters of oblivion.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Even though the asylum sits on an island?
Dr. Crane: I wish to go back to my cell now.
Patient #294738
Name: Waylon Jones (alias: Killer Croc)
Dr. Fitzgerald: It's good to see you again, Waylon.
Waylon: Yeah, whatever, meat.
*Dr. Fitzgerald sighs*
Dr. Fitzgerald: I believe I have mentioned multiple times that I would prefer for you to call me by my name. Referring to me as "meat" will do nothing to assist your treatment.
Waylon: Well, we wouldn't want that, now would we, doc?
Dr. Fitzgerald: I should certainly hope not. Now, during our last discussion, we attempted to explore your anti-social tendencies. You seemed resistant at first, but I believe that we may have been making some headway. Would you like to continue our previous conversion?
Waylon: Well, why the heck not? Sounds like a blast, meat. Oops. I mean, Dr. Fitzgerald.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Um... splendid! Well, do you mind if I ask you why you prefer to live in a sewer? If you really don't like human company, I'm sure there are less... inhospitable places to take up residence.
Waylon: What's wrong with a sewer? Once you get over the smell and the shit, it's like home. Besides, Gotham's cold when you don't have central heating. You'd be surprised how warm it is in the sewers. I guess it's all the methane or something.
Dr. Fitzgerald: You could always move to a warmer climate. I'm sure a change of scenery, especially one away from... certain individuals, would be beneficial.
Waylon: Tried it once. Didn't work out.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Really? Where did you go?
Waylon: Florida.
Dr. Fitzgerald: You know, I spent my college years at the University of Florida.
Waylon: Well, good for you. I spent my time in a fucking swamp.
Dr. Fitzgerald: I suppose that's... not surprising-
Waylon: Cause I'm a freak show crocodile man?
Dr. Fitzgerald: No, no, of course not! It's just that... it fits your... modus operandi... and...
Waylon: Uh huh.
*Dr. Fitzgerald clears his throat*
Dr. Fitzgerald: Well, why exactly didn't it "work out"?
Waylon: The gators were mean to me.
Dr. Fitzgerald: They were... mean to you?
Waylon: I figured, ya know, since I was kinda, sorta, one o' them... they'd be accepting. But they were just assholes. They'd either swim away or try to eat me. So I ate 'em back.
Dr. Fitzgerald: I'm sure that must have been... difficult. I know you already harbor significant resentment towards humans for their treatment of you.
Waylon: No kidding. But there was one gator who didn't treat me like a monster...
Dr. Fizgerald: Oh, I'm happy to hear that you made a... friend.
Waylond: Her name was Gckdgt, and she was the most the most beautiful creature I ever saw.
Dr. Fizgerald: Uh...
Waylon: Her scales were as shiny as... something really shiny, and the way her belly looked when she death rolled a White-tailed deer...
*Waylon trails off into silence*
Dr. Fitzgerald: I'm sure she was quite... breathtaking.
Waylon: I knew I couldn't stay though. I just didn't belong there. And I still had to kill the Batman, you know?
Dr. Fitzgerald: Of... yeah...
Wayon: But that night we spent together... I'll always remember it. Waking up pressed against her snout was the happiest moment of my life.
*Waylon seems to look off into the distance and sigh wistfully*
Dr. Fitzferald: ... You fucked an alligator?!
Waylon: Hey! Don't say it like that! It was beautiful. I don't expect some small-minded normie to be able to understand our connection.
Dr. Fitzgerald: But... you fucked an alligator! Is that even anatomically possible?!
Waylon: I eat people on a semi-regular basis, but a little bit of consensual bestiality is what shocks you?
Dr. Fitzgerald: But, you... fair enough? Well, look at the time! I think our session's just about over. It's been a great talk and I look forward to the next time we can chat but I think I'll be on vacation so you'll probably have a new doctor don't worry they'll be great it'll be great everything'll be great GUARDS! I want out now!
Waylon: But... we were making progress.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lots of progress. GUARDS!
Patient #455196
Name: Harvey Dent (alias: Two-Face)
Harvey: I want my coin back.
Dr. Fitzgerald: I'm sorry, but I don't believe that would be conducive to your recovery.
Harvey: Where's my coin?
Dr. Fitzgerald: Please, Harvey, you don't need the coin.
Harvey: Give me my coin.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Harvey, the coin is just a coping mechanism you use to justify your actions by taking responsibility away from you and giving it to "fate".
Harvey: I will gut you like a fish if you don't give me my fucking coin.
Dr. Fitzgerald: That is not appropriate. I am a patient man, but I will not tolerate threats.
Harvey: SHOW ME THE MONEEEEEYYYYYY!
Dr. Fitzgerald: ... Exactly how long have you been waiting to say that?
Harvey: Three days.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Most amusing.
Harvey: Seriously though. Gimme my god damn coin.
Patient #836103
Name: Pamela Isley (alias: Poison Ivy)
Pamela: Did you know the Nazis were environmentalists?
Dr. Fitzgerald: I... excuse me?
Pamela: They believed in a doctrine known as "Blood and Soil", which celebrated the mystical bond between people and the land. Granted, they were more concerned with the German people living an agrarian lifestyle, in the same manner as their ancestors, than they were with preserving nature in its purest state, but it was still a superior ideology to the current, corporate, capitalist, planet-destroying policies of self-declared "morally superior" Western nations, which rape the natural world without any more regard for its beauty than the SS felt for the Untermensch. Say what you want about them, but the Nazis had some truly revolutionary ideas.
Dr. Fitzgerald: How can you say that Nazi Germany was committed to conservation when they industrialized their country to such a massive extent?
*Pamela scowls*
Pamela: I can't say that I approve of Der Fuhrer compromising his principles at the expense of the environment, but I understand that his actions were guided by necessity.
The Allied nations' antagonism, and their usurious Versailles Treaty, made it impossible for Germany to live up to its environmentalist potential. Who knows what Der Fuhrer might have accomplished without their interference?
Dr. Fitzgerald: But surely you can't support their racialist views? They murdered over six million Jews believing in their nonsense.
*Pamela shrugs*
Pamela: The death camps may not have been my preferred choice, but what could they do? They were losing the war, and had to purge however many Jews as they could in the time they had left.
*Dr. Fitzgerald is quiet for several seconds*
Dr. Fitzgerald: But... it was not necessary to kill anyone.
Pamela: Do you realize that 48% of billionaires in the United States, and 8% of US corporate boardroom members, are Jewish, while making up only 2% of the population? Consider their disproportionate domination of banking, Hollywood, and politics - especially Israel's influence on American foreign policy in the Middle East.
As uncomfortable as it may be for some people to admit, the Jews and their Zionist Occupied Governments are especially responsible for the West's policies, and by extension, its treatment of the environment. The Holocaust may have been... unpleasant, but can you truly say that it was unnecessary?
Dr. Fitzgerald: ... Yes. Yes I can.
Pamela: Oh, don't be such a prude.
Dr. Fitzgerald: I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable with this conversation.
Pamela: Hmph. You sound just like Harley.
Dr. Fitzgerald: In this case, I'll take that as a compliment.
Pamela: You know, you're pretty judgmental towards your patients for a psychiatrist. Where did you say you went to school?
Dr. Fitzgerald: I'm sorry if I'm coming across as unprofessional, but they didn't exactly cover dealing with Nazi sympathizers at the University of Florida.
Pamela: The University of Florida? They'll let anybody into Arkham won't they.
*Pamela crosses her legs and smiles mischievously*
Pamela: You know, he may not have been handsome in the traditional sense, but there's still something about Adolf Hitler that intrigues me. Maybe it's the mustache.
Dr. Fitzgerald: I think we're done here for today. Guards?
*Pamela winks at Dr. Fitzgerald*
Pamela: Sieg Heil, Herr doctor.
*After Pamela is taken away, Dr. Fitzgerald sits alone in the interview room*
Dr. Fitzgerald: I'm sure the Jews mean us no harm...
The End... Or Is It?
Nah, It's the End.
I would like to dedicate this fic to myself, for maintaining a consistent standard of awesomeness. Without me, none of this would have been possible.