Luckily for all of you, I don't own Bleach. This is yet another crack-bunny. Post Winter War, no real pairings, mentions of character deaths and reorganization. Theme: Windbringer by the Crux-shadows.
Ikkaku Madarame reviewed the list of candidates. Now that everything was over, he was going to take over Fifth and he had to choose a lieutenant. He didn't regret using bankai to save Urahara-sensei, but he did wish he'd used it sooner. He did regret the Shrimpette's death. Hiyori wouldn't have died, if he'd gotten over his stupid pride.
Iba's idea of getting Yumi to use his shikai to subdue Aizen while Ikkaku, Isshin, Kenpachi, Shinji and Ichigo charged at Aizen had probably saved the day. Iba's bankai and Yachiru's and Saskakibe's shikai releases had bought valuable time for the injured to get to safety.
Everything had been changing since then. Ukitake retired, Isshin Kurosaki took over Thirteenth, Isane Kotetsu was supervising Tenth's reorganization, temporarily, and Yumichika was over at Second, taking the deceased Oomeda's place. Renji was Ninth's captain now.
He could poach Shuuhei, but that seemed like a dirty trick to play on his former student. Ikkaku would've asked one of the Vizards to be his vice-captain, but Lisa and Mashiro were just too weird, and asking Hachi would've ensured that the damnbrat would be at Fifth all the time. Hachi was too busy anyway. Most of the living Vizards had gone back to the Transient World, only four of them were staying on permanently.
Yachiru'd come by anyway, but when she wasn't with Kenpachi, she was getting to know her grandparents and cousin. He could ask Yachiru to be his vice-captain, but he suspected Taicho would throw him through a wall. Her other relatives might decide to use him for target practice.
He smiled suddenly. Rukia Kuchiki might be willing to take Hinamori's place. If he asked her to be his vice-captain, he'd cause so much uproar that a captaincy would never loom over his head again. Someone else might give her the badge she deserved, and he'd get to stay by Taicho's side. Perfect.
888
"I beg your pardon?" Rukia said.
"I want you to be my vice-captain," Ikkaku repeated.
"Are you drunk?"
"Stone sober. Here, I'll prove it."
He launched into the Eleventh's version of "Do your ears hang low?" (With the appropriate dance steps of course.)
"Do your intestines hang low, do they wobble to and fro..."
After five minutes, Rukia yelped, "Stop, please. Haven't you considered any other candidates? Nemu Kurotsuchi?"
"Over Mayuri's dead body. And he's too damn difficult to kill."
"Matsumoto? Or Kira-kun?"
"Retiring. Once Isane's got Tenth running and they get a new captain, Ran's gonna move to the Urahara Shoten. Kira's retiring once Kensei gets Third sorted. Looks like he and Soi Fong are gonna retire and raise brats. "
The Seireitei's impending baby boom was a whole 'nother can of worms. Kenpachi was beginning to show signs of broodiness as well, and Ikkaku wanted to be very far away when Yachiru got a sibling.
"Lisa Yadomaru or Mashiro Kuma?"
"Too damn weird, the both of them. Kuma's like Yachiru's more annoying older sister. If I didn't know better, I'd swear they were related. Lisa's worse than Kyoraku- I'd never get any work done, 'cause she'd be off chasing the boys and stealing everyone's underwear."
His own underwear drawer had suffered from Lisa's hobby, as had Rangiku's and Yoruichi's. The latter victim claimed that Lisa had once stolen her uniform as well, but from what Ikkaku had seen, Yoruichi tended to view clothing as optional.
"Hanataro?"
"The little squeaky kid? Unohana warned me off."
"How about Ushoda-san?"
"Rebuilding the kido forces. Yoruichi snagged Yumi, before you ask."
"Orihime?"
"I'd have to wait fifty years or more, and Fourth called dibs. Don't even talk about Sado, he and Ichigo have a patrol unit each and they're busy organizing the rotas. Like I said, you were the first person that came ta mind. I ain't gonna say this often, but you impress the hell outta me, and I think we'd work well together."
He wasn't lying, not really. The few times Eleventh and Thirteenth'd gone on missions together, Rukia always racked up a respectable number of kills. The one time they'd scrapped, Ikkaku had been impressed by her strength. She'd lost, but she'd made him work up a sweat. Although he didn't intend to make her a lieutenant, the other captains might take note of her and give her the rank she deserved.
"I'll consider it," Rukia said, flattered. "But please, give up the roofing tar."
"For the last time, it's puerh tea. It's supposed to taste like that. Meet me in the training grounds tomorrow- I want ta see what ya can do."
"I don't care what kind of tea it is- it eats spoons!" Rukia called after him.
888
There were three reasons Ikkaku and the Kurosaki family did not, as a rule, get along.
Ikkaku thought Isshin was frivolous, Karin still bore a grudge about the time Ikkaku had done his damn best to kill Ichigo, and Yuzu had a huge crush on Yumichika and saw him as a rival.
Ikkaku disliked Isshin the most- especially when he was unleashing his inner anaconda on innocent shinigami. Like now.
"Madarame, you have seen the wonderful talent of my future daughter in law," Isshin boomed. "Please take good care of her!"
"Could you stop squeezing me?" Ikkaku wheezed. His poor ribs...
"Oh right, sorry. I'll go inform Sou-taicho Yamamoto of this wonderful occurrence! And I would give my blessing if you wished to marry Karin!"
"She keeps trying ta kill me!"
"Young love takes many forms!" Isshin shouted back.
888
"Prettty-chan!" Yachiru called, "Did you hear the news! Baldy asked Rabbit to be his vice-captain! Isn't it great?"
Yumichika sighed. I knew he'd do something stupid. Oh well. Dying by Byakuya's blade would be a very beautiful way to go.
"I knew it! You're jealous of Rabbit-chan, aren't you?"
"I am not jealous of her. Running Fifth would be more work than I care to do."
Yoruichi smiled. "Ayasegawa, you can do my paperwork if you're done with yours."
"Shihouin-taicho, if I do too much work, I'll get wrinkles!"
"The horror," Yoruichi said dryly. "Make sure you don't skip your kido lesson today. I can only lie to Nanao so many times."
888
Renji, Byakuya, and Ichigo were gathered around the dinner table when Rukia came in.
"Good timing, shortcakes," Ichigo called. "Food's almost ready."
Byakuya shot him a glare. Even after fighting together, even though Ichigo and Rukia spent almost all their free time together, he still found Ichigo's informality jarring. He'd gotten used to Renji's insouciance. To an extent.
"I have good news. I'm going to be the vice-captain..."
"Finally!" Renji yelped. "Ukitake-sama must have leaned on Isshin Shiba-dono!"
"Of Fifth Division under Madarame-taicho."
Any fly nearby would have had its choice of open mouths.
"Ikkaku?" Renji finally asked, breaking the stunned silence.
"Yes."
"Are you sure he was sober?"
888
"Madarame, get your fuckin' ass in here!"
Ikkaku managed to skid into the office and knocked his head against the floor. Kenpachi sounded pissed, so slathering on the politeness wouldn't hurt.
Yachiru was out with Hachi- she wouldn't be back till later. She was still expected to be in bed by midnight, but that was late for a person who was elevenish. The little brat had grown up so fast. Che, you'd think he was her big brother or somethin.'
"Yes, taicho?" Ikkaku said innocently.
"I heard you asked Rukia Kuchiki to be your vice-captain."
"Damn, the grapevine moves fast. "
"I heard it from her. She seems ta think you were drunk or drugged. I'd like an explanation, before I ship ya off to Fourth."
"We scrapped once before. Remember? She's strong. If it weren't for her brother, she'd have been promoted ages ago. I wanna give her a chance, that's all."
"Ya think you can work with her? I'd suggest you pick Iba, but he's got his hands full. I visited Komamura today and... He ain't looking too well. "
"Sorry to hear that. Anyway, I think we'll do all right. She's smart as a whip, and all she needs is a little more combat training."
"So, you were serious," Kenpachi said, smiling. "I always knew you'd smack a hornet nest for shits and giggles. Well, I'll play along. She'll make a good vice-captain for anyone."
Ikkaku's grin vanished.
Oh god. He'd finally come up with a fool-proof plan to avoid the captaincy, and everyone thought he was serious.
"One last thing, Ikkaku. After next week, it's Kenpachi."
Ikkaku nodded. Kenpachi dismissed him, and he headed back to his quarters thoughtfully.
He didn't want to be the taicho's equal, he told himself. He wanted to grind Kenpachi down in the dirt, just like the captain had done to him so many years ago.
Hozukimaru chuckled, but he ignored the ornery zanpakuto.
At least he could trust Renji, Ichigo and Byakuya to do their best to disqualify him. In Byakuya's case, the noble'd do his best to kill him.
Bring it on, fuckers!
888
Byakuya Kuchiki sharpened Senbonzakura. Zanpakutos, in theory, shouldn't need to be sharpened, but they enjoyed being tended. Byakuya needed absolute focus to think of a plan.
If Madarame was going to be an idiot, he needed to be punished appropriately. Renji might be willing to let it slide, Ichigo seemed too stunned to do anything- so it was up to Byakuya to resolve this situation.
If Ukitake or Iba, or even Isshin had asked, he'd have simply stepped aside. However, the idea of a man like Madarame giving a Kuchiki orders grated across Byakuya's nerves. In light of the shortage of qualified shinigami, he'd leave Madarame alive. But a few more scars just might teach the man not to meddle with the Kuchikis.
1. Don't get me wrong, I liked Hiyori. I do feel bad about 'killing' her but I really can't see how she survived. As for Hitsugaya- I dunno where he is in this. Hinamori's probably dead, but that decision is pending. Rose, Tessai, Hachi and Kensei are the only ones staying in Soul Society.
2. Isshin 'died' in his gigai, so he had no choice but to return to Soul Society. Karin and Yuzu are splitting their time between Soul Society and the Living World. Ichigo and Sado got the two patrol units of Soul Society- those are only loosely tied to the Gotei 13, although Seventh and Tenth used to have close ties to those units.
3. Just to straighten things out now: This is NOT going to be an Ikkaku/Rukia romance fic. As per the tags, it's a sort of developing friendship. Pairings are between the lines only, and both Ikkaku and Rukia are interested in other people.
I'm so going to hell for this. All shipping wars to the right lane, please. Ladies and gentlemen, start your flamethrowers.