A/N: Hi everyone! Welcome to my new story - it's a little different to what I normally write about, because it's not Akatsuki related, but I hope it's still enjoyable!
Chapter 1: Konohagakure's Clinical Mystery
Tsunade sat in her office, signing random sheets of paper Shizune preferred to call "paperwork". She was alone, because Shizune had chosen to take a break after a hectic day of running after Tsunade on one of her gambling parties, and there was no alcohol to keep her company either. Tsunade was bored, and placed her pen down. She leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes.
"Oink."
Tsunade's eyes snapped open to see Tonton's ugly face hovering far too close to her own. Tsunade gritted her teeth.
"Tonton, get off the table," Tsunade ordered.
The pig didn't move an inch.
"I said, get off the table," Tsunade scowled.
"Oink," Tonton replied in defiance.
Tsunade grabbed her pig and placed it on the floor. She only accepted Tonton standing on the desk in the canon series, and that was only because it gave her good publicity. It made her seem friendlier with animals, but the pig prints on the desk at the end of the day never seemed worth it, and they were the one thing Shizune didn't want to clean up, especially since it was questionable as to where the pig had been.
"Anyway, what do you want?" Tsunade asked her pig.
"Oink," Tonton squeaked. [Someone else has walked out of the hospital, or so I've heard.]
Tsunade frowned. "What? Again? How come people always leave that place without anyone noticing?"
Tonton shrugged, but then looked sly. "Oink, oink…" [Perhaps you ought to investigate…]
Tsunade rubbed her chin in the same manner as a man with a long beard might as she contemplated Tonton's words. It was about time she inspected Konohagakure's facilities. The last time she'd inspected anything was… well… she'd never bothered. Perhaps she ought to.
"These events seem to be repetitive," Tsunade mused. "First Rock Lee, and then Sasuke. Not to mention there was that massive fight between Sasuke and Naruto on the roof that one time…"
"Oink?" Tonton asked, somehow sitting on the desk again. [What are you going to do?]
Tsunade pushed the pig off the desk. Tonton tried grabbing on, but because she had no fingers, her and some papers fell off the desk.
"I guess I'll go and inspect," she mused.
Tonton thought for a moment. "Oink, oink…" [Maybe you should try questioning Rock Lee and Naruto…]
Tsunade frowned. "You know, that might actually be a good idea, especially since Sasuke isn't here anymore…"
Tonton nodded approvingly. "Oink?" [Can I come?]
Tsunade shrugged. "Of course you can."
Tsunade stood and walked. She wasn't as nice as Shizune, so didn't pick Tonton up. Personally, she expected Tonton to always walk as well, just so she didn't get lazy. Besides, she didn't want her clothes getting dirty either, and because the cameras weren't out for the canon, she didn't need to pretend she was that close with Tonton...
"Oink? Oink?" Tonton asked. [Who are we aiming for first? Naruto or Lee?]
"I think we'll go for Naruto first," Tsunade nodded. "I know him better, so I think I already know where he is. He'll also be easier to persuade."
Just thinking about Lee's Gai-like determination made her shudder. Tsunade approached Ichiraku's Ramen and wasn't surprised to see Naruto downing a bowl of ramen there. She approached without hesitation. She smiled as she sat down, and Tonton climbed onto the seat on his other side. Naruto's defences shot up like a round of fireworks.
"Hey, Naruto," Tsunade said, ordering three bowls of ramen.
"Grandma Tsunade," he said carefully. "What do you need?"
"What do I need?" Tsunade laughed. "What makes you think I need something?"
Teuchi placed a bowl in front of Tsunade, a bowl in front of Naruto and a bowl in front of Tonton.
"Because you willingly bought me a bowl of ramen," Naruto dragged out the word "willingly" and narrowed his eyes.
"Well, if you put it like that," Tsunade chuckled. "I suppose I could ask you a question."
Now Naruto really was confused. He didn't even get a chance to answer before Tsunade spoke.
"How come no one noticed you and Sasuke go to the roof for a battle?" she asked.
Naruto swallowed. He was too shocked to even eat his ramen. That was something. Tsunade waited. Naruto looked like a deer caught in headlights, and yet, when he looked back at the ramen, he seemed to be thinking. However, it did prove that there was something going on with the Konohagakure hospital. It must've been rats. Rats was always the reason...
"I don't know what you're talking about," he said lamely.
"Of course you do, Naruto," Tsunade changed her attitude to make herself more intimidating. "You look like you're lying."
Naruto forced a grin. "I'm not lying."
"I know you're lying."
He leaned away. "I just said I wasn't."
"Oink," he flinched away from Tonton on his other side. [It's obvious.]
"It's more than obvious," Tsunade agreed.
Naruto's brow furrowed. "Did you just talk to your pig?"
Tsunade paused and then frowned. "No."
Naruto smiled, as if he was in power. "Yes, you did."
Tsunade narrowed her eyes. "A liar will always change the subject."
Naruto tilted his head. "Yes, she will."
They stayed that way for a moment. Teuchi coughed and then Tsunade leaned back.
"Very well, I want you to summon Rock Lee here," Tsunade said. "He'll tell me."
"Bushy Brows won't tell you," Naruto said, as Teuchi grabbed some paper and a pen.
"Just. Write," Tsunade growled.
Naruto swallowed and then started scribbling down on the paper. Tonton took the paper in her mouth and raced off. Tsunade and Naruto at in awkward silence. She knew she could get the information out of Lee. He was more noble than Naruto and would confess to doing something wrong to the Hokage. Surely. She tried not to think of his Gai-like determination to hide secrets, and rather explain matters.
Naruto's hand trembled.
"Are you sure you don't want to tell me?" Tsunade asked.
He shook his head. She narrowed her eyes, trying to use fear the way Yamato did.
"Positive?" she asked.
"I'm sure," he said, eyes wide. "But… Grandma Tsunade… why do you want to know now?"
"Why do I want to know what now?"
"The… thing… about the… hospital…"
"What thing about the hospital?"
"Why are you answering my questions with questions?"
"Am I?"
"Yes…" he frowned. "Yes, you are…"
"Why do you think that is?" Tsunade narrowed her eyes.
"It's the type of technique a psychiatrist would use to get information about a person who's been through a personal trauma," Naruto blinked.
Tsunade furrowed her brow. "Why do you think I'm using that technique?"
"I don't know, but I want you to stop…" he said, unsure.
"Why do you want me stop?"
"Because it's weird," he said.
"How is it weird?" she asked.
"I don't know… it just…" he trailed off.
"Lady Hokage, and Naruto, I have arrived in good speed," Lee announced, leaping into the seat beside Tsunade.
Tonton returned and sat beside Naruto.
"Excellent," Tsunade grinned maliciously.