Title: Harry Potter and the year of the Deity

Warnings: Profanity, occasional violence, adult themes.

Pairings: None currently, there may be some in the future.

Characters in this chapter: Albus Dumbledore, And Original Characters.

Notes: This fic will ignore OOTP, HBP, and DH. Sirius will not die by Curtain in this universe.

Again, if you're so inclined, I just put up a picture of Malachi, Lazarus, and Bree together on my Deviantart Acc. You can get there from my profile.

Don't own Harry Potter, the crazy trio are mine, and don't own anything you recognize.

All was quiet within Hogwarts' darkened halls. Almost all of its inhabitants lay asleep in their beds, adrift in the sea of dreams. It was a normal night.

But it would not stay that way for long.

An unnatural wind picked up in the Great hall, as a silver stream of energy began to converse, swirling round and round to form a crystalline portal, like a silver snowflake within the air, superimposed upon millions of other silver snowflakes.

There was a loud crack, like the scream of thunder, and three figures dove out of the portal. The crystallized portal dissipated, and the three strangers were left within the suffocating silence of the Great hall.

The two taller figures looked to each other, while the shortest, a female, endeavored to catch her breath.

"Well. That was fun and new." Said the man on the left, in a dry, yet amused tone. The man on the right snickered like an idiot, grinning unashamedly.

"Agghhh... my god. I'm killing the both of you as soon as I can breath normally." Groaned the girl, and the two men laughed nervously.

"Eh…heh…heh…Um…No need to get worked up, Bree…?" The man on the left tittered nervously, grinning off-handedly.

Bree stared at him.

"Shut up Malachi. You too, Lazarus." She said blankly. Malachi flinched, and Lazarus only laughed harder.

"Right, where exactly are we?" Lazarus proclaimed, clapping his hands with an exaggerated flourish.

"Fuck if I know." Malachi said cheerfully, dusting himself off, and helping Bree up.

Bree grunted in reply, wandering around, climbing on the tables and examining every nook and cranny. She paused, looking up.

"Hey. Why's there no ceiling?" She asked, pointing up. Malachi and Lazarus followed her finger with their eyes.

"Ooh…Stars." Lazarus said childishly.

"Shiny." Agreed Malachi.

"I quite agree." Came an old yet pleasant sounding voice. Lazarus let out a girlish sounding shriek, and let loose a powerful haymaker right at the owner of the voice's face.

The person in question, was an old man who in the trio's eyes, resembled a skinny Santa who had just come back from Woodstock. Malachi pulled a scythe out of NOWHERE, and Bree's ethereal eyes flooded with silver, and a heavy energy began to fill the air. The old man stared at them, with a wary expression.

"Might I ask who you three are? And what you plan to do with me?" The old man asked calmly. Bree, Malachi, and Lazarus stared at him.

"Huh?" was their oh-so-intelligent reply. The old man blinked.

"You're not Death Eaters?" He asked slowly. Malachi scratched his head.

"What's a Death Eater?" Malachi asked, clueless. The old man sighed.

"I am Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts, the school you are currently in. Might I ask, yet again, who you are?" The old man, now identified as Albus Dumbledore asked dryly. Malachi pocketed his scythe, and Bree's eyes returned to their normal feral yellow-green. Lazarus promptly offered his hand, with a flourish, to Dumbledore.

"Lazarus Loki Holmes at your service, sir!" Lazarus practically sang, letting loose a charming grin. He promptly tumbled to the ground, with a pained yelp, as Bree abruptly introduced her elbow to the back of his neck.

"I'm Bree Anderson. The goofily grinning man next to me is my great-grandson, Malachi Emmerich." Bree said shortly. Malachi giggled childishly.

"And that's not totally warped, in a monkeyfuckbatshit insane kind of way." He drawled, earning a scowl from Bree, a giggle from Lazarus, and a very, very confused look from Dumbledore.

"Shut up, Mal." Bree ordered, smacking said man upside the head. Dumbledore blinked, and decided to comptemplate how insane this all sounded later.

"A pleasure to meet you all, I'm sure. How did the three of you get in here?" The elderly wizard asked kindly. The trio looked at each other.

"Global Warming." Offered Malachi.

"Portal." mumbled Bree.

"Portal Device." Lazarus corrected, with a blossoming smirk. Malachi immediately began to sing,

"This was a triumph... I'm making a note here, huge success...It's hard to overstate, my satisfaction!" Bree and Lazarus grinned, and chimed in,

"Apeture Science! We do what we must, because, we can. For the good of all of us, except the ones who are dead..." The trio sang gleefully.

Dumbledore looked at the three like they were insane. Which, coincidently, they were.

"It's a song..From a thing.." Lazarus explained feebly, with a sheepish grin.

"Right..." Dumbledore said slowly.

"Ummmm. We fell through what I'm pretty sure was a one-way portal." Lazarus offered.

"I see...Are you stranded here, then?" Dumbledore asked politely, eyes begining to twinkle. Lazarus stared at the twinkling, looking a tad bit freaked out.

"Noooot...really? It'll take a bit, but I can get us back home. Bree's exhausted her deitical energy, anyways." Lazarus said slowly, a calculating look entering his emerald eyes. Dumbledore looked startled and confused at the mention of deitical energy.

"Well...It just so happens, we are in need of a teacher for Defense Against the Dark Arts." Dumbledore said cheerfully.

The trio stared at him like he was on crack.

"What." was Bree's reply.

"Tha'fuck." Stated Lazarus.

"Imma church, Imma church, Imma church." Malachi blankly supplied. Bree and Lazarus ignored him, while Dumbledore discretely and quietly inched away from the obviously unstable man.

"Sneaky sneaky." Malachi mumbled.

"You are such a creeper." Bree told him firmly, twitching. Lazarus snickered, and turned to Dumbledore.

"Are you really sure you want us corrupting your students?" He asked cheekily, grinning. Dumbledore covered his smile with a hand, eyes twinkling.

"I'm sure they'll survive, Mister Holmes." Dumbledore replied, amused. Lazarus merely cackled in response.

Malachi is creepier then I remember him being in the original draft. WAY TO GO MALACHI! Bree is usually not so grumpy. And Lazarus is usually drunk. But in all, I'm pretty pleased. Expect a time skip in the next chapter.