Love is patient, love is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up, is not rude, is not self-serving, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity….bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Almost but not quite. Those were the words used to describe me time and again all throughout my life. Oh, I may be successful now, in my own way, but when I was a child…
I, Severus Snape, was the third son of my parents. I was almost as good a child as my brothers, not quite as fast to learn things. Oh, not that they ever said things to me, but a child overhears and knows things. From an early age I was filled with a drive to prove myself, prove that I was the best there was.
I thought my chance had come when I was invited to attend Hogwarts. My family had gone there for years, but my brothers had not, and I thought that now was the time to show how good I was. I would have, too, had it not been for James Potter.
Potter. How I hated him. By some quirk of fate, he had been born exactly one day before me. And at Hogwarts, I again suffered being almost and not yet quite as good as he was. I was almost as smart. He was Head Boy, but I was second to him. Not that anyone cared. I was almost as good as him in most classes, not quite good enough to play Quidditch while he was Captain of Gryffindor. I managed to alienate myself from my fellow Slytherins, while he was leader of Gryffindor in every way that counted. He was stronger, smarter and better than I was in everything except Potions.
But I could have forgiven him all those things. The only thing I could not forgive him for was Lily.
She was the most beautiful girl in the whole school. Probably every boy in our year, and quite a few who were not, was enamored of her, of her long, red-gold hair, her bright green eyes, her smile that could light up a whole room. The way she laughed, the sound of her voice, the way she walked. The manner she had of screwing up her nose when she was about to try some particularly difficult spell.
I worshipped her. That was it, plain and simply. True, there were many other girls at Hogwarts, but not one of them was Lily. And she? She loved James Potter, and he loved her. She made dozens of boys fall head over heels, and didn't even know. She and James were meant for each other, the whole school whispered, but I thought otherwise.
That was why I tried so hard to get James expelled. I had a foolish thought that if he were gone, I would have a chance with Lily. I would have done anything to have Lily. That's why I foolishly took the bait that Sirius Black offered me, when he let me know how to get under the Whomping Willow. I thought for certain that those four boys were up to something bad, perhaps, if I were lucky, even evil. I had visions, in those brief moments, of discovering a dark plot, of having them thrown out, winning hundreds of points for Slytherin. And if James Potter were shown to be evil, Lily would be grateful to the one who had shown her before she threw away her life. Oh, how pleasant it was, for those few seconds, when I could tell myself those pleasant fantasies. And how mortifying to discover that the secret was that Remus Lupin was a werewolf. In the seconds before I was seized from behind, as I stood frozen, I knew that they had planned this between them, Potter, Black, and Lupin. Pettigrew, almost certainly as well, though he was a coward. It was bad to have to be rescued, hauled out of the tunnel by the scruff of my neck. It was twice as hard when I discovered my rescuer was James Potter. I wished that Lupin had killed me, to spare me the shame of being rescued by – Potter. I knew he'd risked his life, but I convinced myself that he was a coward, that he'd only done it to save his own skin.
So I continued to look on as Lily and James drew closer and closer, watching the woman I loved won by the man I hated. And that's when I thought up a brilliant idea.
If there was one thing I was good at, it was Potions. There was no one at Hogwarts better than I. I could brew any potion I was given ingredients for, even if I couldn't turn slippers into rabbits or any such foolishness. And I was clever, clever enough to manage to withdraw Moste Potente Potions from the Restricted Section without anyone knowing it. I lingered for a few minutes over potions that would give rather painful deaths to drinkers. I was tempted, but…. No, this revenge was better. And sweeter by far than simply killing James Potter.
But it wasn't really revenge I was after, was it? It was Lily.
I borrowed, begged and stole the ingredients for the potion. It simmered secretly for weeks, until late in April of my final year. Then it was ready. I looked at it, bubbling in the cauldron. Making these kinds of potions was forbidden by the Ministry of Magic, and for good reason. But it really was a simple potion, one that had been brewed for thousands of years. A love potion. With one drink of this, Lily would love me, not that blasted Potter. And he would never know why his beloved had turned from him to another, to me, his hated enemy. Sweet revenge, made sweeter by the fact that I would have what I most wanted. Lily would love me, would smile at me the way she smiled at James. And someday, she would marry me. I would have everything I dreamt of at night, everything I longed for. Because once I had Lily, everything else would be easy.
All I had to do now was give the potion to Lily. I had to make sure that she saw me first thing after she drank, or it would have no effect. I covered it carefully so that it would not spill, and carried the goblet from my dormitory. It was a Saturday, and I should be able to find Lily. If she wasn't out mooning over Potter during Quidditch practice. Well, that would be over soon enough. A door slammed, and I turned. No one there. But as I turned again, Lily hurried around a corner and bumped into me.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Severus," she said, and smiled that beautiful smile of hers. "I wasn't looking where I was going." She smiled, and I could see that something was filling her with joy, so much that she had to speak it to someone. "I'm so happy! James has asked me to marry him!" And I stood there, seemingly turned to stone by her words. She picked herself up and hurried off. I should go after her. The potion wouldn't be good for much longer.
But…. I remembered the way her eyes had glowed when she spoke of Potter. The way she had been so excited that she could not contain herself, even to someone how was no friend of hers. This potion would have her do the same for me. She'd never know that what she felt was not real.
But I would. I loved Lily, and that love made me want what would make her most happy.
And that was James.
With a sudden motion, I threw the potion out the window. Then I turned. Footsteps were coming down the hall. It was Potter. He was grinning as he came down. He nodded to me.
"Severus."
"Potter, wait."
"What is it, Snape? I have to-"
"I don't bloody care what you have to do. I have to speak to you."
"About what?"
"Lily told me that the two of you were engaged."
"That's right."
"You listen to me, Potter. You don't deserve her at all." I expected him to shout at me, to say I was wrong.
"I know. You're right there, Severus." I was shocked. The man went on. "I don't have any idea why Lily loves me. She's so – so perfect, and I'm just, well,"
"I know what you are. But let me tell you this. I love Lily, and I want her to be happy." I drew a deep breath, and continued. This was very hard for me. James' face was stoic. He didn't seem surprised to hear that I loved his –his fiancé. But at least he wasn't mocking me. "So I will never come near the two of you if I can help it for the rest of my life. But if I hear that you have done anything to make her unhappy, I'll come for you, even if you are in Africa or you are the Minister of Magic himself. I swear it, James."
"I would never do anything to make her unhappy, Severus." Potter's words carried conviction.
"Good." I turned to walk away.
"Severus?" I turned. "Severus, I – I think you're a good man. A man I'd be proud to call a friend." He held out his hand, and I looked at it for a long moment.
"No," I said with a sigh. "Perhaps it could have been so once, but not now." He nodded, and I walked away slowly.
* * *
Harry looked up from the letter in his hands, his eyes wet. Ron and Hermione hovered over his shoulder.
"I never knew that about him," Harry said, staring at the grave where Snape now lay. He'd died when Voldemort had attacked the school, died defending some young children. Harry had reached him in his last moments of life.
Severus Snape sat hunched against the corridor wall, his customary sneer gone from his pale face.
"Who's there?" he had asked, staring with unseeing eyes at Harry.
"Harry Potter, sir," Harry had answered. "Don't worry, Professor Dumbledore will be here soon."
"Too…late.." Snape sighed. "Know that I'm...done." His mind seemed to wander now. "James? Is that you?"
"No, it's Harry, sir." But Snape did not seem to hear him. "James…I'm sorry I wasn't your friend. Fine man, James." He sighed. "Oh, Lily, how beautiful you are." And the breath that he let go was his last.
Harry looked at the letter again, at the few paragraphs left.
* * * * * * *
I kept my promise. The day we left Hogwarts was the last time I ever saw Lily. I threw myself into further studies, withdrawing from the world. Then, one day a few years later, I heard that the Potters had been killed. I don't think I can describe how I felt when I found out that Lily was dead. I loved her, and so I could live without
her, knowing that she was happy. But on the day she died, something else died, in me. She was the only person I had ever truly loved, ever loved enough that I would abandon my selfish nature for her. And now she was gone.
I attained, over the next few years, a great many things. A position teaching at Hogwarts, for one. I thought that I was fairly content. And then Harry Potter came along. Famous, well-liked, and he looked just like his father. I hated him, too. Hated him for the memories that he brought back to me. Memories of James, of Lily. But I
did save his life. Partly, it is true, because of the debt I owed his father, but mostly, I'd like to think, because of the love I still have for his mother.
Harry, when you read this, I will be dead. These are the things that I should have told you in life, but never could. Perhaps you have a right to know, or perhaps I simply want to be understood. I know you have thought me mean and cruel, and you are right. But I want someone to know that there was one person in my life that I loved more than myself. One person I would have done anything for, even died for.
I've asked myself, over the years, whether I am sorry that I threw away my chance. I am not. Lily was like a wild bird, a falcon or an eagle. You can't cage one of those. It would not have been right, and I know it. I loved her. But sometimes love is not enough.
* * * * * * *
"I think I understand now," Harry said. "That must have been awful for him, seeing my mum and dad together, and –and…" he broke off, but Ron and Hermione understood. Harry stood and walked over to the fresh grave.
"I'm sorry that I never really knew you, Professor." He said. "I think you were a fine man. Rest in peace, Severus Snape." And the wind in the oak trees overhead sounded almost like a contented sigh.
Author's Note: I really like this story and consider it one of my better efforts. Professor Snape… in some ways, he's the most interesting person in the books. He's the only one who doesn't immediately fit into a category of 'good' or 'evil'. He's cruel, but he saves Harry. He'd never help Voldemort, but he'd love to see every 'good guy' perish. Sure, he's a pathetic person now, but I cannot believe that he was this way always. Who knows, something like this could have happened.
But this story isn't really about Snape, though he is the main character. It's about love. Most of my stories are. Love is the strongest thing on the earth. That's what the Harry Potter books really say.
Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? I am reminded of a line from a poem I once read; Who loves, lives. I think that is true.
Disclaimer: All characters, books, settings, and potions are copyrighted and invented by JK Rowling, Scholastic, Bloomsbury, blah blah blah.