So, I was sitting at my desk, jamming out to my music, attempting to construct a constitutional isomer (yeah...I don't know either) when the song "I Wonder" by Kellie Pickler came on and a fleeting thought of 'Hey that would make a good Haley introspective bit' and then I went back to my Chem homework...actually I went back to the novel I've been reading but that's neither here nor there.
So with encouragement from my girls, and help from my Dawnie as always, I present to you "I Wonder".
Thanks to my girls, I love you all to the moon and back.
I'd suggest listening to the song while reading, it kinda sets the mood
Sometimes I think about you,
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinkin' 'bout me.
And would you even recognize the woman that your little girl has grown up to be?
'Cause I look in the mirror and all I see are your brown eyes lookin' back at me,
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all.
Six.
Making a mental checklist, I counted six major, life changing events my parents have missed out on over the years. Six of the biggest things to happen to me, and they weren't there for any of them. Oh they've called, expressing their concern or sending warm wishes as they happily passed through another town, another adventure. I never thought poorly of my parents, I always had such respect for them, even when they acted more of a teenager than I did. I always knew how lucky I was to have parents like mine; especially after beginning my relationship with Nathan and seeing how awful his parents could be; not only to each other, but to him. I knew they were always there for me, that I could always depend on them, but somewhere along the way, I lost that. I became more like an acquaintance to my parents, a passing thought after a long day of doing nothing but taking in the sites. My mother told me at my wedding party that this was how we set each other free, I didn't know she meant completely; I didn't know she meant they wouldn't be here at all.
Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California,
There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina,
I wonder what you'd say to me.
My parents were not there to comfort me after I was held hostage in my high school, after I attend the funeral of a man I had known and loved all my life. They called to check in as they were en route to Florida, visiting my brother. When I renewed my wedding vows at the age of seventeen, my father was not there to give me away; they were too busy seeing the worlds biggest…whatever it was that week. When I was hit by a car while three months pregnant, I got two phone calls to ensure that I was okay, they wished they could be there, but they were visiting with Quinn and her family and just couldn't get away.
I think about how it ain't fair that you weren't there to braid my hair like mothers do.
You weren't around to cheer me on,
Help me dress for my high school prom like mother's do.
Did you think I didn't need you here to hold my hand, to dry my tears?
Did you even miss me through the years at all?
My mother wasn't there to help me get ready for my senior prom, to gush over pictures and say silly things like 'they grow up so fast!' I emailed her pictures that Nathan's mom took. My parents called the day before graduation, claiming something had come up and they couldn't make it, but promised they'd be down as soon as possible to be here when I gave birth. Subsequently, when James Lucas came into the world on the day of graduation, the only grandparent he had there was Nathan's mom, Deb. To this day, my four year old has only seen his grandparents on two occasions, both of which we went to them. Six. Six times in my life when I needed my parents there to comfort me or congratulate me; six times my smile was a little less bright or my tears a little heavier.
Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California,
There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to Carolina,
I wonder what you'd say to me.
"Hey Hales," Nathan poked his head around the corner, startling me from my thoughts. "You better get a move on or we'll be late."
I nod my head softly, willing the tears forming behind the lids of my eyes not to spill over when I realize I can add another mark to my checklist. Seven. Today is mine and Nathan's college graduation. Eight, if you count the reason there are half filled boxes scattered throughout our small but comfortable apartment. We recently celebrated Nathan being the fourth overall draft pick by the Memphis Grizzlies. Eight; Eight reasons to want to laugh or cry with those you love the most and they weren't there for one of them.
"What's wrong baby?" Nathan sits next to me, pulling me into his lap.
"Nothing I was just thinking about my parents." I wave my hand dismissively, not wanting to get Nathan started on my parents. I think in a way, my parents not being around bothers him more than it does me. Taking in the way the lines in his forehead have creased, and how the light smile on his lips have turned down into a clenched frown, I know the fuse has been lit, it won't be long before he goes off.
"I can't believe they're not coming to graduation! Although, I don't know why I'm surprised, they haven't come to anything else in the past, what? Six years? Jamie doesn't even understand the concept of having more than one grandparent!" He fumes, wincing apologetically when a few rebellious tears streak down my face.
"I'm sorry Hales," he sighs, leaning back on the bed, pulling me down so he could lay half on top of me, his face rested in his hand, his intense blue eyes causing my brown to fill with more tears. "My venting about them probably isn't helping anything. I just hate that they continue to hurt you, even though I know they're not doing it intentionally."
I nod my head silently, knowing in my heart that my parents love me and I shouldn't be angry at them for living their own lives, maybe it was easier for my parents to set me free than it is for me to let go of them.
"They've missed so much Nathan." I choke out, surprised at the brokenness of my voice. Nathan's eyes flood with concern as he leans down to gently kiss me, his lips remaining on mine until I find myself relaxing into his touch.
Forgiveness is such a simple word.
But it's so hard to do,
When you've been hurt.
"I know baby." He whispers. "I know. But you know what? We've got so much more ahead of us, so many good things worth celebrating and enjoying that maybe one day your parent's will be able to enjoy too if they pull their heads out of their…asses." he leans down to whisper the last word as we hear the pitter-pattering of little feet run down the hall, knowing he's been reprimanded one too many times for his language in front of Jamie. The intense look on his face and the seriousness in his voice cause me to let out a soft laugh, earning a broad grin from him.
"Let's not let them ruin our day okay? We've got so much to celebrate Hales. We're graduating college, we'll be moving to Tennessee in two weeks where I'll start making more money than we'll know what to do with!" he says with a laugh, his eyes and smile becoming sincere and earnest seconds later. "And at the end of the day Hales, we have each other, and Jamie, and this little one right here," he says, placing his hand on the small swell of my stomach. "And that's all we really need, right?"
Beaming a smile up at him, my eyes glistening with tears, I nod as emphatically as possible, knowing that he's right, they're all I need; Him, Jamie and our new baby. But I can't help but mentally make another mark as I place my hand atop his on my growing stomach. Nine; nine times in my life, when I've needed my parents the most…
Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California.
And just in case you're wondering about me,
From now on I won't be in Carolina,
Your little girl is off,
oh your little girl is off,
your little girl is off
To Tennessee.