A long time ago, in some loser's pants far far away, there was a little penis. This penis, of course, belonged to none other than the local dumbass named Edwin. Edwin was not the brightest fellow, nor the coolest, or most attractive, or the funniest, or the strongest, or the cleanest, or the... well you get the idea.
Edwin did, however, have a group of friends that he loved more than anyone in the world. Some would even say he loved them a little too much. Unbeknownst to his friends, Edwin had long been hiding a secret. He wasn't exactly the straight human boy that they thought he was. He was actually a homosexual egg.
One day, Edwin was on his way to the gym. He had been teased earlier that day that he didn't even lift. Edwin needed to go to the gym to prove to the world that he was cool.
On the way there, he ran into his good friend Trent.
Edwin had always admired Trent. From his large, fluffy frame to his no fucks given attitude, to that beautiful beanie perched perfectly atop his head, there was no doubt about it; Trent was one sexy motherfucker, at least in Edwin's eyes.
Edwin tensed up when he saw Trent. He hadn't expected to see one of his man crushes so soon today. Edwin was nervous that Trent might realize his secret, and as soon as Trent walked up with that intense, enticing smile, Edwin struggled to hide his throbbing boner.
Luckily, Trent didn't seem to notice since he was just happy to see his buddy Edwin. Edwin took a deep breath and said, "Uh, hello Trent. Have you read any good books lately?"
Trent laughed and said, "Fuck that dude! I've been too busy watching anime and jerkin' it all day!"
That last part made Edwin's balls quiver between his legs. He wished he could watch Trent masturbate. He even had this amazing fantasy, with the two of them facing each other in the same room, with laptops on their laps while stroking their cocks at the same time. Trent would then give Edwin a thumbs up and exclaim, "GG!"
Of course, Trent was unaware of this fantasy, so instead he brought up the topic of music.
"My band is playing a show later. It would be cool if you came!"
Edwin got a fuzzy feeling inside. Trent wanted HIM to be there. This was a dream come true.
"Of course I'll be there!"
"Awesome! I gotta go get ready for the show, so I'll see you later!"
With Trent gone, Edwin continued to the gym. As he walked in, he could hear the sound of hot fire being spit around the corner. As he turned the corner, he saw none other than the legendary A$AP "Vince" Mena.
"YOOOOOOO MY NAME IS FUCKIN A$AP, IMA SPIT FIRE, DROPPIN' BEATS BETTER THAN KANYE, AND THAT'S NOT A LIE, CUZ MY NAME IS FUCKIN A$AP."
Edwin got a massive hard-on. Well, at least as massive as a 1.5 inch cock could get anyways. He was a huge A$AP Mena fanboi. He had just downloaded the new mixtape from Vince's Myspace page and it was FIRE. It was so hot that Edwin had even used it to cook his spicy burritos last night.
Edwin was nervous to approach this sexy beast of a man, but he summoned up the courage and asked, "Um, excuse me... Are you the world famous rapper A$AP Mena?"
Vince turned quickly toward Edwin and shouted, "YO FUCKER SO WHAT IF I AM. YO ASS JUST INTERRUPTED MY SUPA HOT FREESTYLE. YOU AIN'T SHIT BITCH SO GO BACK AND LISTEN TO YOUR SHIT PUSSY ASS MUSIC."
"Oh I'm so sorry Mr. A$AP, it's just that I'm such a big fan. My name is Edwin. Your recent collab with Nas was amazing!"
Vince laughed, then he giggled, and then he keked.
"Yo you were about to send my sides into SPACE. I was just messin' wit chu. Since you're such a big fan, you should come to a show I'm playing today. I'm doing a collab with some local band." Vince held up a photo of him with the band.
"Oh wow, that's my friends' band! I was already planning on going, but now I'm even more excited!"
Vince giggled. "OH SHIT! THAT'S FUCKING COOL. Yo I gotta go but I'll see you there!"
Now Edwin was REALLY excited. Two of the men he desired most had shown some interest in him today. He was so excited that he couldn't even focus on lifting right now, so he decided to head out for lunch instead.
On the way to Taco Bell, Edwin wondered if either Trent or Vince would ever consider giving him a chance. But then he realized that he was a homosexual, and they were not. He didn't want to alienate them by telling them his true feelings.
As Edwin walked into Taco Bell, he noticed someone sitting at the table on the other side of the room. He had on bright red lipstick and black eyeliner, with a small bow in his hair. He had on a fancy coat with a scarf around his neck and aviator sunglasses on his face. It was Edwin's friend Adam!
Edwin had always thought Adam was a nice guy, and he had even suspected that he might be a closet homo as well. However, Edwin didn't like how feminine Adam looked. He liked his men to look like MEN. He preferred neck bearded gentlemen like Trent over cross dressing hipsters like Adam. Despite this, Edwin realized that Adam might be the only chance he might ever have at experiencing the warmth of another man on his skin. So he decided to go for it.
"Hey Adam, there's a concert later. Do you wanna go with me?"
"Yeah man, that sounds cool. I wanted to go but I had nobody to go with. It's good to know I can count on you to always be there for me."
Edwin smiled. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all. Maybe Adam didn't necessarily see it as a date, but that didn't mean it couldn't become something more later on. Who knows, if all goes right, Edwin could have Adam in his pants by the end of the night.
After finishing their lunch together, they decided to head over to the concert venue. They got there early enough to where the show hadn't started yet, so autographs were being handed out. Edwin and Adam both walked up to the autograph table but were stopped by a black man with dreadlocks. Edwin didn't recognize him at first (since all black people look the same) but he looked closely and saw his friend Braxton! But something was different. He had on a uniform with the word "SECURITY" written on it.
"Ay do you have a pass? I can't let you near my boi A$AP without a pass."
Edwin got nervous. He had always been intimidated by colored people, despite being brown himself. He was scared that Braxton might give in to his animal instincts by lashing out and killing him at any moment. But after a few seconds, Edwin looked closer at Braxton and realized all of the sex appeal that this 3/5 of a man actually had. He didn't know what it was, but something about that dark skin tone caused his nipples to harden. Just the thought of sex with such a creature made Edwin realize that he had a fetish for beastiality.
Overcome with sexual desire, Edwin was about to reach for Braxton's wang when he heard yelling.
"YO BODY GUARD, GET DA FUCK OUT THE WAY SO I CAN SIGN SOME SHIT."
Thank God, Edwin thought. He had almost done something he would have regretted. Braxton stepped aside, and Edwin could see Vince sitting there with a pen in his hand, ready to sign an autograph. He had his cat Figaro sitting next to him.
He's such a huge star, Edwin thought. Why would he ever want to be with me? What do I have to offer him? Nothing, he thought. I'm useless. Not even his cat would want me.
"YOOOOO IT'S EDWIN. I'M SO FUCKING PUMPED RIGHT NOW."
"Hey Vince. Could I maybe get your autograph?"
"YEAH. BUT IMA SIGN IT ON A PIC OF THIS DANK MEME THAT I FOUND ON 9GAG."
Edwin could hardly contain his excitement. He LOVED dank memes. He loved them almost as much as he loved gargling cum.
Vince finished signing his autograph, but he had to go. The show was about to start.
Edwin and Adam headed to the front of the stage. The band would be performing first, then Vince would come perform, and the night would end with a collab between both acts.
A sexually attractive young man walked on stage. Edwin could see the throbbing bulge in his pants. Oh how he wanted to shove that cock up his tight ass. That would be nice. But alas, Edwin didn't know this man, and he probably never would.
The man said, "The next band told me not to read this... but GOD DAMMIT, I'm going to read it ANYWAY. Because I WROTE IT. And it's the TRUTH."
He held up the card and read, "I FUCKING LOVE THIS BAND. THEY ARE THE BEST BAND EVER. PERIOD. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JITER."
The band walked out on stage. The crowd went wild. Women screamed. Some cried. Some even orgasmed. Edwin struggled to hold back a premature ejaculation in his pants.
The band looked perfect. Of course there was Trent up front, but Edwin knew the other members as well. The bassist was Jesse, a hardcore punk kid who looked like he could fuck you up without even trying. But under that edgy exterior, he was really just a huge softie. Edwin liked Jesse for this. He was intrigued by his bad bay look, paired with a romantically sweet personality.
The drummer was a blonde druggie named Karl. He worshiped grunge music and he could be even be an asshole sometimes. His entire philosophy on life was, "If someone isn't me, I don't care about their feelings." Despite this, everyone knew he was actually a cool guy to be around. Edwin absolutely loved Karl's abusive personality. It could fit in perfectly with his BDSM fantasy.
Finally the guitarist was a sexy beast named Ryan. All the ladies wanted him and all the guys wanted to be him. His skill on the guitar was unmatched by anyone. His taste in music was far superior to everyone else's, and he was both the coolest motherfucker around and the coolest motherfucker in town. This was Edwin's dream guy. He would choose Ryan over anyone, even Robert Downey Jr. But of course, so would everyone else.
The band began to play some loud ass music. And it was damn good. Trent was screaming his balls off. Jesse was laying down some sick ass bass lines. Karl was pounding a gnarly beat on the drums. And Ryan was shredding solos and guitar riffs worthy of the gods.
The mosh pit was out of control. Edwin got caught in the middle and couldn't get out. Then he realized, why the fuck would he want to get out? This is exactly what he wanted. A bunch of sweaty guys surrounding him, having their way with him. Edwin actually felt himself get groped several times. Even if it may have been accidental, Edwin didn't care. He was finally getting some action. The only thing that could make this better was if these guys had their fat, juicy cocks out. It was on Edwin's bucket list to be the main subject of a gang bang.
The band's set lasted for hours, mostly because the crowd kept demanding encores. Finally, it was A$AP Mena's turn to take the stage. Half the crowd shit their pants when the saw the artist of the generation walk out on stage, and the the other half bowed down at his feet.
Vince opened up with a soulful rendition of "I'm da bes". Edwin watched in awe as each new verse from A$AP was even better than the last. The whole room felt like an oven since A$AP wouldn't stop spitting fire. At this moment, he wasn't Vince anymore. He was A$AP. There was no denying it.
3000 verses later, the show was finally coming to a close. As promised, Jiter came back on stage (although they had trouble getting away from all the pussy that they were swimming in) to perform a grand finale with A$AP.
Holy. Fucking. Shit. This performance was LEGENDARY. There had never been anything quite like it, and there probably never will be again. They played better than anyone has ever played before. Once again, Edwin got caught in the mosh pit.
Unfortunately for Edwin, this wasn't a very safe mosh pit. During the performance Edwin fell in the mosh pit and hit his egg head on the floor. Hard. Nobody noticed because they were too busy jamming out to the greatest performance of all time.
After the performance, still nobody had noticed this poor faggot laying there on the floor, with nobody to help him. Finally, after all the fans had left the venue, only Edwin's friends remained.
Adam discovered the body. He called over all the others. Vince, Braxton, Trent, Jesse, Karl, and Ryan all rushed over. It looked bad. His egg head had cracked open, and the pieces laid all over the floor.
"What are we going to do?" Jesse asked.
Adam, on the verge of tears, started pick up the pieces and said "We have to try and fix him!"
But alas, they tried and tried many times but kept failing. The pieces wouldn't stick together.
"It's no use!" Karl said. "We can't put Humpty Edwin back together again!"
But Trent had an idea. "The reason the pieces won't stay is because we need something to hold them together!"
"You mean like glue? By the time we get to the store to buy some, he'll be dead!" Vince said.
Trent calmly replied, "That's why we're not using glue."
"Then what the hell we gonna use?" Braxton asked.
"Cum."
Everyone looked at each other, took a deep breath and nodded. They all unzipped their trousers and began to furiously jerk it. Once all the love juice had been collected, the group successfully used it to glue Edwin's head back together. They could see him coming back to consciousness.
"AY. BUDDIES."
Everyone cheered and sighed a breath of relief. Edwin was proud to know that he had such a loving group of friends. He could always count on them to help him out of sticky situations.