"Orimoto-san!"
The footsteps ceased, a bright and enthusiastic voice rang throughout the empty classroom.
We were the only ones present – the room was in a segregated section of the campus between the staff room and the school's rear court yard.
"C-Can I have some of your time please!"
He practically shouted in embarrassment, his voice a concoction of anxiety, uncertainty, and hope, the strongest of them all.
"Please go out with me!"
=x=
Every once in a while, I wake up in tears. [1]
The past cannot be undone. It sets the course of the present, and restricts the possibilities in the future. There's nothing particularly deep about this, other than the lesson that we should think things through twice before taking action.
And that's something I've failed to do.
Regret and Reconciliation
People. Light. These two are the things that Chiba has almost too much of. It's not that I dislike it. The feeling of drowning in the crowd sometimes soothes the soul.
Maybe he had rubbed off on me, unbeknownst to the two of us. Though to be fair we haven't actually spent much time together at all.
The name of a person who was the manifestation of my actions.
Hikigaya Hachiman.
Seeing him again was in itself a relief of sorts. But this was soon turned into a harsh realisation and reflection of myself. Specifically, what I was capable of with my antics.
"Kaori-chan, it seems like the snow have stopped now. How about you head on home? Wouldn't want to keep you too late since you do have examinations coming soon."
My manager at the local family restaurant I work at was a nice woman. If only I was born ten years later, and she ten years earlier, we probably would have been close friends.
"Okay, I'll head off to change now! Thanks for today!"
=x=
Chiba wouldn't snow, or so I thought until today. Never having expected this to happen, I was ill-equipped to travel through the harshness of a cityscape covered in a mildly thick blanket of snow. Throughout the day of work, I watched as snow piled on top of each other, layer by layer. My mood at work was relentlessly suppressed whenever I had to confront the issue of heading back home.
It was a good thing I had semi-waterproof shoes with me. Better than having nothing to hold back the water from the slowly melting snow.
But maybe, just maybe, I should thank this snow which I've been thinking ill of the whole day.
You know, there's a creature named Hikigaya Hachiman who almost never made an appearance outside of school hours. And yet, I was able catch sight of him today, thanks to the snow for extending my work hours.
He was walking, hands in both pockets as usual, emanating an aura much gloomier than usual. We were headed in the same direction, probably towards the same residential district given that we were together in middle school.
Calling out to him felt to be the natural thing to do, but this time round I should maintain my distance. The feelings he conveyed the last time we spoke should be respected if we were to even maintain any sort of relationship.
'It would be good that we don't see each other anymore. That would be the easiest.' [2]
I guess there's just no way I could casually approach Hikigaya can I, given his declaration.
Upon departing for our respective destinations last time we met up, I could almost feel that he had reached some sense of closure regarding me. He seems to have come to terms with himself bring rash back then and accepted the consequences of those actions, while acknowledging my innocence in being the perpetrator who orchestrated the final judgement of his old self. He was also able to set the milestone in his life, finally being able to set aside the past traumas when facing the future.
Then, what can I do? How am I supposed to move on from this? Where should I head towards from here on, and what to do to get there?
After our meeting, I was left with more questions than answers; the exact opposite of what I had intended to achieve. On the contrary, it was Hikigaya who had reaped the benefits which I had intended to harvest.
With that down the drain, what would be my next step?
What can I do about this lasting sense of regret that still, to this day, shadows my everyday life?
Looking up from the ground, I have arrived at an intersection where I need to take a left – the opposite direction of the Hikigaya household it seems.
So, what's my choice?
=x=
"Kaori-chan, it seems like you have a visitor."
I looked up from my bento to see Akari, one of my closer friends in school who was in the same class as me for two years. Chika was in another class; we shared the same class last year, if any of you were wondering. She gave me a knowing look – the one which said 'here comes another one of those'. I directed my attention to the doorway, only to see a shy-ish classmate from the class next door (if I recall) fidgeting.
Ahh, so here comes another one of them.
"Gotcha. Look after my stuff for me will'ya?"
Upon hearing my 'cheery' voice, the boy visibly lit up, his expression getting brighter with every footstep I took towards him. What he's planning to do was already pretty obvious.
Why could I tell right away? That's because he adorned the same expressions back then.
I hope my rejection wouldn't create another Hikigaya Hachiman. I'd like to think that I've learnt my lesson.
Although I'm no fan of history, I have found some agreeable truth in the phrase 'history repeats itself'. The overwhelming sense of deja-vu brutally reminded me of my time with him. Somethings are better left in the depths of our memory banks, but it seemed like some divine power was unrelenting when it came to forgetting about that time.
"O-Orimoto-san!" His voice rang out clearly in the deserted hallway. It was a section of the compound where few travelled through. At one end was the staff room, and at the other was a row of science labs – both places rarely graced with much of the student population during lunch break. Heh, hilarious. Guess this was some sort of generic set up for a confession.
I looked at him with expectant eyes, indicating him to continue on.
Taking the hint, he dropped the bomb.
"I like you a lot! Can I please be your boyfriend!?"
Though this was nowhere near the one dropped by Hikigaya – this was merely a several ton TNT bomb compared to Hikigaya's atomic bomb equivalent to 15 kilotons. [3]
And I thought I wasn't into history.
"Sorry, I'm not really interested in committing myself to relationships. I feel that I have better things to do since exams are creeping up on us soon. But I do appreciate your feelings. It'd be nice if we could be friends." Pretty much handing this by the manual. [4] Nothing new, and hopefully nothing problematic would arise from this.
"..Ah, okay. I see." He visibly shrinks, the once brimming confidence gone in an instant. "Sorry for taking up your time, Orimoto-san. I'll take my leave now."
With that, he left as quickly as he had appeared. And I still didn't know his name.
He should have brought a marker pen with him. [5] Even Hikigaya did a better job than that.
=x=
Another three months have passed since I last saw Hikigaya.
Have I begun counting my days based on my encounters with him? Hilarious.
Anyways, Exams are well over now and the class transitioned into an atmosphere of relaxation. With the end of the academic year just round the corner, I wouldn't blame them.
Akari walked up to my desk and pulled out a chair.
"So Kaori-chan, what'cha gonna do in the holidays?"
"Nothing much I guess, probably just gonna work more shifts since there won't be school anyways. Anything along the lines of school work is out of the question."
"Fair enough. Mind if I come visit you at the restaurant some time? Probs with my family with me. You ok with that?"
"Yeah, sure! Deffos come along and drop by the restaurant! It'd be great to have someone familiar as a customer."
Small talk really was useful. It helps even the best of us when we get cornered with our own thoughts and feelings. But of course, things would eventually steer towards him one way or another.
"Say Kaori-chan, if you don't mind me asking this." Akari looked at me as though waiting for permission to continue.
"What is it?" I ask with a tinge of ignorance. Knowing that I couldn't delay the inevitable, I allowed Akari to press on.
"Remember that time when you dashed off right after school?" Again, she looked me in the eyes for confirmation to continue. It wasn't like I could do much now that the elephant's in the room. "How'd it turn out? You know, you seemed desperate to be somewhere or to do something. I'm just wondering if everything turned out alright, since you came back much less lively compared to before."
I heave a heavy sigh to indicate my displeasure towards this topic, but at the same time, this might be a chance for me to let out some steam I've been bottling up for a while. Akari's pretty trustworthy in the secrets department, so it should be fine. I could just fill Chika in later if she asks me anything.
"Well, I wouldn't say that it was disastrous, but neither would I say that it went well." I know starting off with such ambiguity created more questions than answers, but at this point I really didn't know how to start off coherently with my thoughts in a jumbled mess.
"You're really being ambiguous here Kaori-chan…Well whatevs, I'm here to listen to you, so just take it slow."
I smiled in appreciation for her patience. Someone like Akari really was difficult to come by this day and age. Most of my 'friends' in middle school were more of the potential back-stabber type given that you revealed secrets to them.
And those types were the ones whom hurt him the most.
"Well, Akari you weren't in the same middle school as I was, so I guess it makes it easier for you to hear me out with my situation." Here we go. "There's this boy who confessed to me during late middle school. He was, back then, a really outgoing, yet an awkward and isolated boy in class. From what I could tell, he tried to join in the ranks of everyone, but many of them rejected him. It was partly down to this attitude of his, but the main reason was because of his looks and his track record in school as the clown boy of sorts."
Akari nods, taking in the information I presented her with. It was exactly because she attended a different school that she wouldn't have any sort of prejudice against Hikigaya. Of course, the mentioning of specific names was out of the question.
"Back then, I was the sort of girl who had wide friendship groups. I had friends everywhere, and interacting with strangers was never much of a daunting task. Perhaps this was precisely what drew him towards me – the fact that I represented all that he aspired to." Taking a deep breath, I continued.
"Thus, such a pair found themselves in an empty classroom afterschool. The boy confessed, and the girl rejected. It was just as simple as that, but what transpired from it was far from this case. Facing a boy who remained optimistic after a fairly straightforward rejection, I consulted my friends back then. They offered serious advice after having a kick out of it, things like talking to him more to make sure he gets the idea, or to allow some time for him to realise that the affection was not mutual without needing to mercilessly destroy the young man's dreams."
"But then…" An image of me talking with Hikigaya at the restaurant surfaced. [6] The pained expression he adorned when the topic was brought up – when he was reliving the experiences again, even in the currently fortified shell. "The very next day the rumour of his confession to me spread like wild fire – a fire so strong that it eventually engulfed him fully, reducing his already fleeting hopes of a fulfilled school life into nothing but ashes. He ceased his positivity, and opted to live out a life of contempt, cynicism, and distrust."
I looked at Akari to make sure she's not falling behind on any of the details. What met my eyes was a frown so serious that I never thought Akari was capable of making. Obviously she wasn't amused by the story in any way, but now that I've gotten this far, I couldn't just pull out as though it was nothing.
"It was such a person who I had rushed to meet that day. I decided that there was a need to put things right, to…rewrite our relationship, to put it in his words."
Akari stayed silent for a moment, letting all the information sink in before carefully choosing her words.
"…How did the meeting go?"
At that, I smiled lightly. Really, I was at a loss as to how I should react to Hikigaya's proposal. Even now, I fail to comprehend the motives behind his choice of actions.
"I apologised to him. Laid out the truth of the matter from my perspective – that I didn't orchestrate anything to deliberately harm him. And his response was this."
Akari visibly sat up. I recalled the exact wording he used that day to the letter.
"'It would be good that we don't see each other anymore. That would be the easiest. But if that fails, I'd like to know you better. Not as the Orimoto Kaori who tries to minimise the distance between her and everyone around her, not the Orimoto Kaori who acts as though she's perfectly conversable with almost everyone she knows. Instead, I'd like to know Orimoto Kaori herself, the one who she can be true to herself and not acting under the influence of other people's expectations.'"
This set of words had been ringing inside of me for a fair amount of time now. Over and over again, I would analyse what he meant, trying to look for possible hints that he'd have dropped in order to shape me into a person more fitting. But alas I found nothing, and remained as lost as I had been before I met up with him. There was only one thing that appeared to be a consistent theme which ran through this set of words.
Think twice before you do anything. The thing that I consistently failed to do.
Back then, I failed to realise the earnest feelings Hikigaya had held close to himself, and tried to convey to me. Recently, I failed to recognise the anguish and trauma he had experienced because of me, and casually approached him just as I would have back then. It wasn't only until when we met last time that I was able to recognise what Hikigaya saw me as. [7] That was a failure on my part – especially given that I thought we were still friends one way or another.
Realising that I had been holding my breath, a huge sigh of relief made its way out of my body. How was Akari going to react to this? This…deep conversation was drastically different to the ones we would usually have at lunch. Exposing my personal issues had never been my forte, given the circumstance back in middle school.
Cautiously, I met Akari's eyes. Fear, anxiety and uncertainty consumed me by the second, but this was dispelled immediately upon facing Akari squarely in the face.
A smile. A really soft, comforting smile was fixated on her facial features. Perhaps I made the right call for coming clean with her.
"You know, Kaori-chan…We should do this more often." I looked at her quizzically. "You know, trading secrets and what not. If I have to be brutally honest with you, I would say that it was only now that I had come to understand the person named Orimoto Kaori."
With that, I was taken aback. Was I always that unapproachable? No. It wasn't the issue of approach. But rather, the issue of understanding. Had I been subconsciously building a wall around myself without knowing it? Hilarious. This even surpasses how hilarious Hikigaya can be.
"Ever since we met, I've always felt a sort of barrier holding me off from accessing your inner thoughts. It's as though you act in a way so that others don't have a need to question you for who you are and your actions. Things can simply be chalked up as you being Orimoto, nothing more nothing less."
The noises of the crowd began to take over our conversation, but Akari was having none of that. If the conversation died now, I would most certainly have fled without a second thought.
"So Kaori-chan, what will you do?" Akari stares at me intensely, pushing me to give a response. "How will you change, and how will you face that person again?"
It was only at this point that a realisation dawned upon me. That, this all revolved around him. I knew that much of his recent life revolved around me, but I never expected the same to be true for me as well. [8]
If so, would a resolution only be reached if I were able to do away with the negative influences which remains from out time together? Much like Hikigaya, I was also a prisoner of the past. The only difference being that I didn't even realise it myself.
Hilarious.
"About that, Akari…" I had no idea whatsoever if this would be a good call, but this was the only viable option I could come up with currently.
"Do you think I should go find him again?"
I had no idea whether this was the right course of action. But I did know two things for certain. That my problems related strongly to Hikigaya, and that either I sought a resolution with him, or alone.
Giving her two cents in the matter, Akari brought herself closer to me.
"I think either way is fine; on the one hand you could simply sweep this under a rug by reducing his role in your life, but on the other hand you could also integrate him into your life to a point where it no longer matters. What I see is that you're currently stuck in between the two, and I think that a solution exists on either end of the spectrum." I nod, but it seems like she still has something left to say.
"But before we get to that point, I just want to clarify something to keep us on the same page. What is it that exists at the core of both the issues of your character and your history with him?"
Ahh right, I haven't told her yet where the big fuss about this originated from. Sucks to monologue all the time.
"From what I have gathered, the core of all this rests on me not thinking things through twice before putting my thoughts into action, or words for that matter. Back then I destroyed him because of my careless treatment of his feelings, and recently when I accidentally ran into him I failed to take notice that things have changed as a result of me destroying the old him. These two, I think, links back to the 'Orimoto Kaori' which you've been acquainted with, a person who seems perfectly conversable with just about anyone, yet you just can't really put a finger on what's wrong with this particular personality."
Akari seems to nod in agreement with my analysis of the situation.
"Well, glad to see that you've come up with an understanding of the situation for yourself. As a bystander, I can't say for sure whether you've got it right or not. At least after hearing your perspective of the story, your problem and solution fits together."
That's good to know. I heave a sigh of relief.
"Which is why, I think it might be a good idea to meet that person, at least once more, for you to get some sort of closure. Whether you decide to continue with anything beyond that point is up to you and him, but at the very least, maybe you'll have a chance to correct yourself through interacting with him. This is what I'm hoping you'd be able to achieve anyways."
"After all, he did leave open the possibility of interacting with you again, didn't he?"
With a couple of nods and smiles, we agreed upon the general course of action I should take in the near future, and headed out to grab a quick lunch. How this would turn out, I have no idea. But hopefully, either good or bad, some sort of closure could be reached through this. That was the only objective that mattered to me.
Maybe, I've wanted to do just this all along. It was only my emotions that held me back from doing what I really wanted. Otherwise, I wouldn't have found out where the Hikigaya residence was last time I spotted him on the streets.
=x=
"Alright, let's do this."
"Yeah. Kaori-chan, fight on!"
Giving me a strong nod of approval, Akari gave me the final push I needed. Retreating to the nearest lamp post, she watched as I reached for the doorbell of the Hikigaya residence.
It was now or never.
My heart had been beating so strongly ever since we arrived outside of the household. It had been on a constant rise as my finger drew closer to the doorbell. Once I press this, there would be no going back.
But I've already decided that I needed to lay myself to rest in peace. Hopefully I wouldn't be disturbing his precious end of year holiday too much with my intrusion.
'Pin-pon'
A simple, yet clear sound became the courier of my resolve. Light footsteps drew closer and closer to the front doors. A young female voice transpired through the sturdy wooden doors. His sister perhaps. In tow with this was a grouchy male voice, grunting at the disturbance I caused with this unprecedented action.
Here we go, Kaori. All or nothing.
With a heavy click, the door swung open, revealing the pair of siblings at the doorway. Their expressions transformed from one of mundane to one of surprise. Positivity radiated from the sister, and negativity reeked from the brother's eyes.
I still haven't mentioned how hilarious his eyes looked have I?
Well now I have.
Awkward silence dawned upon us for a second. Nobody knew where this would be headed, and what this meeting would bring about for us. But one thing was certain.
It was something that I had wanted to do proactively.
"Hello, sorry for intruding on a day like this."
And I was not going to let it end in failure.
"I'm Orimoto Kaori, soon-to-be third-year at Kaihin Sougo High School. I'm here for Hikigaya Hachiman!"
The sister practically had sparkles in her eyes. While shaking her brother while extensively interrogating him about my existence, Hikigaya had an aura of utmost annoyance.
Somehow, I could only smile at this scene.
"Mind if I come in?"
"A-Ahh, yeah, sure…" Hikigaya managed a meek reply while fending off the bombardment of questions from his little sister.
It's been around half a year since we last spoke to each other directly. Last time, it was Hikigaya who managed to come out of our meeting with a resolution. This time, I intend to do the same, hopefully the two of us emerging from this stronger than ever.
Looks like all three of us were in stall for one heck of a surprise.
I gave myself a small fist pump. You can do this, Kaori!
Author's note:
Hello, it's been a while since my last story. I know I haven't really written much, but I'm glad to see the fandom growing. I still remember the times when there were only a couple dozen of stories or so on the page, and I wanted to be part of the initial push to make the series to be noticed by people. And here we are with hundreds of stories! Pretty amazing if you ask me.
Though, the number of Orimoto fics floating around are few in number, so yeah, here you go. xDDD Orimoto only had a minor role in the plot development in the original series, but I always feel that there's more to discover with her character and her relationship with 8man, since you could argue that she was the one who created the master loner we all like today.
Consider this story to be set sometime after Rewrite, since I have referenced events from that story I wrote a year or so ago. I tried not to base too much off the original LN/anime series since that restricts me with what I could do in terms of setting up the HachiKaori encounters. Just think of this as an AU and it'll be fine. Also Orimoto might have come off as OOC since she's not the cheerful self that we usually see. I tried to explore another side of Orimoto as with Rewrite, where she harbours deep regret in her own actions. Just like in the LN, Rewrite was also an 8man-centric (Wataru Watari stated so himself somewhere in the author's notes), and thus the readers would miss out on things because of the 8man POV setting. This is what I'm trying to get at with using an Orimoto POV this time round to illustrate the two's past.
What sparked me with this theme of regret, and of an ultimate reconciliation, originated from a chance encounter I had with an acquaintance of mine's. To be fair, I failed to approach them because I couldn't bring myself to do so. Lingering regret of my own actions back when we were still in contact resurfaced, and thus I shied away from any further possible encounters. Which is why, I wanted to project this onto Orimoto and Hikigaya. I feel that they're the perfect pair of characters in the Oregairu universe to illustrate this sort of frustration. (I could do HayaHachi too but their background has more hate than regret to it, and I don't know how to write yaoi tbh :p)
Plus, there isn't enough fics on Orimoto (the bigger reason hehehe).
I don't know whether I should continue with this story, since I suck at being a spontaneous writer. But maybe someday in the future I'll make a semi-continuation of sorts, like how I did here with Rewrite.
Anyways, enough with the sappiness and thanks for giving this a go!
Footnotes:
[1] Kimi no Na Wa anyone?
[2] 8man's words in Rewrite, later quoted in full by Orimoto
[3] The atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima was equivalent to 15 kilotons of TNT, and conventional bombs (other than incendiary bombs because that's another story) normally has much less destructive power
[4] Anyone remember how Okudera senpai in Kimi no Na Wa handled the two assholes?
[5] Pretty clear by now that I love Kimi no Na Wa. The scene during the Katawaredoki on the mountain anyone?
[6] This is referencing Rewrite when they met up, in case it wasn't clear enough
[7] The first was when 8man confessed to Orimoto. The second was when Orimoto bumped into Hikigaya with Haruno at the café. The latter was during Rewrite
[8] Judging from the way 8man reacted to Orimoto during their chance encounters, it wouldn't be farfetched to speculate that Orimoto knew something was up with 8man, and that their middle school past had something to do with it