Happy birthday, O! This one's for you! It's an attempted crack fic. With Dick teaching Conner about porn. Without Wally's help.
"Dick? Could you help me? I'm having a hard time with my computer. All these things keep popping up…"
Conner sat down on the toilet, just waiting for a response. Dick was in the shower in his bathroom, though.
"DUDE! INAPPROPRIATE! I AM SOO NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW!" Dick screamed out in protest. Conner was taken aback at his reaction.
"I'm sorry, I'll wait…" Dick was pissed.
"NO WAY IN HELL! GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM! HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF PRIVACY?"
Conner got up and left. He turned around and walked right back in, after he realized that he hadn't gotten a straight answer.
"Will you help me? With my computer, I mean?" Dick ranted again.
"Okay, okay, I'm leaving. Sheesh."
"Dick, you have pretty eyes."
"Flattery will get you nowhere." Dick was embarrassed, but still flattered. Here was this epitome of masculinity giving him a compliment about his eyes.
"Okay, what's wrong with your computer, Conner? Why are you freaking out about it?" Conner told him how it happened.
"Well, one day, Wally asked me if he could use my computer. He said it was urgent, that he needed it. Now, I had no idea about what he was going to do with it, but I let him have it. He gave it back in about an hour, and it's been broken for about a week. I was hoping you could fix it. I mean, you're pretty much a genius when it comes to computers, so…"
Dick's face was a faint shade of pink towards the end of Conner's monologue.
"Maybe flattery will get you somewhere," Dick muttered.
"What was that?"
"Nothing. Let me see your computer."
"Oh. Okay." Conner gave Dick his computer. It was an Acer netbook. Dick chuckled to himself.
How could someone so strong have such a delicate thing for a computer? It's kind of endearing.
Dick turned the computer on, and then walked to the kitchen, with Conner practically breathing down his neck.
"Why did you leave? Aren't you going to fix it?"
"Of course I'm going to fix it, Conner, but I'm thirsty. Can't I get a drink?"
Conner backed off after that. When Dick had returned, the computer needed a password to get logged on.
"Conner, what's your password?"
"Are you coming on to me? I'm not that easy. You need to take me to two movies at least."
"Ha-ha, very funny, Conner. You do realize that I have Kryptonite in my utility belt, don't you?
Conner frowned. "The password is 'password'."
"Really? Fail."
"Shut up."
Dick laughed as he put the password in. When the laptop background showed up, there was a picture of a naked Asian girl surrounded by tentacles. Dick blushed furiously, and Conner wondered why.
"Why did your face get all red?"
"No reason."
"Is it because of that girl being hugged by an octopus?"
"Yes! Exactly that!"
Nice save, Dick. Nice save.
"Well, what's wrong with it?"
"I know! Wally was abusing his control over your computer! Why am I so good at this?"
Conner said, straight faced, "I like to think it's because of your perky nipples."
Dick blushed bright red. "What the hell?"
"I can see them right now!"
"I'm not wearing a shirt!"
"Is it cold in here or is it just you?"
"Go. Die."
"You know you love me," Conner said. He got the final word in.
Damn, he got the final word in. He won the argument.
"Okay, Dick, what did Wally do to 'abuse' my computer?"
Dick paused for a second before telling him. "He looked up porn on your computer."
Conner hesitated before asking, "What is porn?"
Dick palmed his forehead.
"Are you trying to give yourself a tattoo?"
Wally ran in, took off his shirt, and said, "I got a tattoo! It's a dragon! Rawr!" Then he ran away.
"Conner…porn is…how do I put this… when two people have sex and put it on the internet."
Conner blushed. "You mean, like, when two do that thing….you know that thing….when it's like thrusting…like BAM! BAM!"
"You mean intercourse?"
"No, that thing that's like intercourse….hmmm…"
Wally ran in again. "Anal?"
"No. Is the term 'sex'?"
Wally ran away and Dick slammed his head against his desk.
Why me? Why me?
"Why me?" Dick muttered.
"Because you're a super genius, thanks to your perky nipples."
Artemis was in the gym, working out. When she went back to the house, it was ninety degrees in there.
"Why is it so fucking hot in here?"
She turned down the temperature to 40 degrees. "Ahh, that's better."
Dick shuddered. It had suddenly gotten way colder in the room. Conner was staring at his nipples.
"Oh, there they go…"
Dick blushed, then covered his chest. "Don't look!"
Conner looked at his computer. "So, how can this woman conceive if she is with an octopus?"
Megan floated into the room.
"What are you guys looking at?" She saw the screen and blushed.
"OH, what the Hell are you guys looking at? She got all in Superboy's face.
"Megan, we're looking at this picture of a woman being hugged by an octopus." Megan lightened up a bit.
"Oh! I just love octopi! I can turn into one. You wanna see?" Megan morphed into a green octopus with red hair.
Dick ran out of the room and into the kitchen.
WHY ME?
Conner ran after him. "Wait! You didn't fix my computer!"
Happy Birthday, O! I hope that you enjoyed the total randomness in this fic! Please R&R. If you review, you get a cupcake so we can play cupcake slam. If you alert this, and this is a one-shot, the cupcake gets thrown at you. Flames are used to bake the cupcakes. :D