A/N: I didn't realize until earlier this week I didn't share my Joliday fic from last year on here. Apologies to all, but think of it as an extra treat--because this years fic is being posted right after this. Merry Christmas to all! Until next time--as always, you all are truly the best--PCGirl.

John again questioned why he'd let Blair drag him to Vicki's Christmas party at Llanfair. It was bad enough when he was taken to Dorian's, but here--there was a chance he'd run into Natalie, and what did he say? Hey--sorry I didn't listen to your boyfriend and search for you--save you months of torment by your split-personalitied sister. Yeah, that sounded great--it'd remind her how he was such a jerk and why she was better off without him.

Keeping his head low he did take a glance and saw Jared Banks chatting with Clint and wondered where she'd snuck off to. As he walked out onto the patio and into the crisp December night his question was answered. "Hey--you ok? It's getting cold out here."

"Yeah, I just needed some air and time to think. What are you doing here?" she asked, the curiosity of him being here was too much--he'd avoided this place for months, she didn't understand why he'd show up now.

"I came with Blair--she asked me to come as her date," he said, the whole time his head down and hands stuck in his coat pockets.

"Oh yeah--I think I heard something about that."

"How are you and Banks doing? I saw him talking to your dad--guess the whole losing BE thing is behind him now that Dorian gave it back."

"Guess so. We're good--I think he's planning on proposing tomorrow."

At those words John actually looked Natalie in the eye--he remembered when she thought she had been proposed to and all the love and happiness that was in her eyes, but there was none of that there--instead he saw a mixture of regret and indecisiveness as to her response. Figuring he'd better get her to tell all before she made a decision she'd regret later he sat down next to her, "You don't look excited at the idea of marrying him--talk to me."

Natalie couldn't help but laugh at his request, "John--you haven't talked to me in over 6 months. What makes you want to hear my problems now?"

"Because I need to make it up to you for not looking for you. You wouldn't be out here in the cold if you weren't trying to figure something out--so talk it out and I'll just sit here and listen, and maybe give my opinion if needed," he said, flashing her a half grin that made her smile and warm up to talking to him about this. There was a time when talking to him was so easy--she could get back to that, right?

"He's proposing to me because he thinks there's a possibility I'm pregnant--I was running a little late this month, probably from the stress of the whole situation, and I blabbed before I was sure."

"So he's wanting to do the right thing--can't say I blame him there," said John as he began imagining what he would have done had it been him in Banks position.

"That's not the problem--the problem is," Natalie took a deep sigh before telling John something she'd sworn she would never admit, "This isn't the first time I've wondered if I was pregnant."

At the words John felt something begin to stir that he'd forced silent a long time ago. He didn't need her to say the words--he knew she was talking about while she was with him, or possibly after, "When?"

She nodded, figuring he deserved to know the answer, "Right after we broke up--and then again after our one night stand last year." Natalie wiped away the beginning tears as she continued her story, "And here's what makes me a horrible person--when I thought I was pregnant by you and it turned out I wasn't, I cried--it was like I finally had the chance again to hold that little dark haired boy with piercing blue eyes once again, and then some cruel trick of fate took it away."

"You aren't horrible for feeling that way, Natalie," he said as he imagined that same little boy, but also with a little sister with red hair like her mother.

"This time--when I found out I wasn't I didn't cry, I didn't imagine what could have been. I can't picture what our kids will look like--as hard as I try. I can't picture him coming home from an out of town business trip and greeting him at the door. How can I say I'll marry a man when I can't picture any of that?"

John looked deep into Natalie's eyes, his hand moving up to brush a stray tear away. He was about to touch her hair when the patio door opened and his hand recoiled back into his lap.

"John?" called Blair as she walked out and saw him sitting there. "What are you doing out here?" she asked, looking towards Natalie who was looking away in order to hide her tear-stained face.

John had to cough in order to get the lump out of his throat, "We were just talking."

"Well, come inside--Vicki wants to make a toast."

He nodded and then looked back to see Natalie was still sitting, "You coming in?"

She just nodded, "I'll be right there." She sat there for a few more minutes alone--trying to decide what her answer would be in the morning.