"Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart"
- White Blank Page, Mumford and Sons
I lay naked in bed staring up at the ceiling, with a raven haired beauty draped across my chest. If this scene had taken place a year ago, even, this lovely lady would be the best whore in town, but even I prefer it being Lisa, Cuddy. My boss, my friend and the woman I love.
Boy it feels weird to say that, even a month after I said it out loud for the first time.
Just hours ago I had been happy, celebrating our first anniversary, something I would deem unnecessary, silly and soppy to celebrate, if I wasn't with her. There were so many things I wanted to do with her that I would never have imagined me doing. She changed me.
Or put in to focus what you've hidden deep inside your cavernous heart for so many years. You've gone soft old boy.
But now laying here in bed, I feel the uncertainty kick in again.
How can she still want me? I definitely am not good enough for her. I don't deserve her. She deserves someone who can be romantic, give her roses and treat her to dinners. Someone she can share interests with. All we have is sex. She deserves someone better than me, someone who can give her their whole heart and be completely open with her. Someone who can be a good influence and a good father figure. Someone who isn't a screw up, like me.
Someone who isn't a recovering drug addict. Like me.
I gently brushed a hair off her forehead and touched her soft cheek and she shivered against my touch and rolled over, taking my arm and half the covers. I chuckled softly. She may deserve someone better than me, but she's made it quite clear she wants me. So I'm going to stick around until she finds someone better.
I had done so many bad things, but loving her was the one thing I swore to myself I'd do as best I could.
Silently I pried my hand from Lisa's grip and got up. I knew sleeping would be useless right now, I was in too much pain for that. Physical and emotional. So I stood up, got dressed and went to my piano, to vent my emotions out in the only way I knew.
I played softly, not to wake her up. I had written this song years ago in college, but finished it only recently. It was called Lisa's lullaby. The notes flowed softly off my fingers, the ivory keys glistening in the light of a passing car outside.
She loved listening to me play, even in college.
"House?" I heard her velvety voice call softly.
"In here", I said gruffly, my voice barely over a whisper. Still she heard me. Soon I felt her soft fingers caress my bare shoulders. She leant over and kissed my neck.
"Why aren't you in bed?" She asked in a whisper, sitting next to me on the stool. Her hair was mussed from sleeping…and other activities and she was wearing the shirt I discarded earlier. Still, she had never looked so breathtaking. I took her hand and brought it to my lips in the smallest of gestures and she smiled, her eyes crinkling. I couldn't help but smile back.
"Couldn't sleep", I murmured, my smile fading.
She nodded and the smallest note of sadness flashed in her eyes. She smiled at me then, understanding.
"Well, I know exactly the remedy for that", she said smirking. She took my hand and lead me to the bedroom. Grinning, I followed.
This relationship was doomed, but I knew from then onward I would try my best to keep this love from ruining it.