Twilight – As It Was Never Meant To Be
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Warning: Use of modern teenage language, excessive use of teenage hormones and complete lack of respect towards parents who take your bitching ass in out of parental duty, not out of pity.
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"Dadday!!!!!!!! Ai no wanna lif witchu!!!!!/!!!! Iunna go bak 2 mummy!!!!!!!!!" Bella stomped down the stairs, screaming and yelling, as her father stood from the place he was seated before – the comfortable family couch he had bought right before his wife left him. Bella had kept on saying that incredibly ugly couch had in fact been the source of all misery. The man sighed in exasperation. "Bella, you know you can't! Your mother is out trippin' with that failed baseball player! And please stop talking like that! Is that how you young whipper-snappers converse these days?"
Bella finally reached the bottom of the stairs, each bruised step whining in agony. "Ai dunt no wut bs u speakin', butt ai aint gonna gunna stae her witchu, u leam prepzy fuker!!!!!!!!!" Her father sighed. Kids had no respect for their elderly these days.
"Bella…"
"Nu!!!!!!!!Ai no need u!!!!!!1!!!!!?!!!!!"
He watched as his daughter's head imploded and her already tiny brain splattered across the wall and severely abused staircase while she ran up to her room and smashed the door, accidentally decapitating the unfortunate dog in its path.
Maybe he should've worn a condom.
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"Ohmigawd!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!" Bella exclaimed, reeking of rebellion and teenage drama. "Mi 1st dai shool!!!!!! Ai hafta luk gud?!!!!!!!!!Hoe noes if der r eny gud n kool goffix vampirs!!!!!!!/!!!!!?!"
She stomped on her bedroom floor until it couldn't handle the pressure of years of melodrama any longer, and cracked, sending Bella to the kitchen, where her father was having breakfast. "Bella, you should eat something before leaving." Bella, being disobedient and already loving her mother more since the divorce, decided to simply not eat anything anymore from that point, and became anorexic. "Nu ded!!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!!i aint eetin yo durtay fud!!!!! Imman annorexix nao?!!?!!"
With those words, she stomped out of the kitchen, each step filled with angsty teenage hormones, through the back-door and into the tiny garden, where she stepped on her bike, only to remember only nerds and preps got in time for school, make a left turn and drive into a park and misuse all types of drugs like the disobedient daughter she was, so she could arrive fashionably late and stoned as a rock on her first day of school, to leave a good first impression.
After taking four hours to ride her bike to across the street and dumping it in a bush, she swayed towards the school gates, trying to remember how to speak so she could gain first day-popularity.
Bella, curious as she was, immediately sat down in the cafeteria at the table of some girls who seemed a little like her at first glance. "OMG!!!!!!!1!!!!!R U the nu kid?!!!!!?! Belluh, rit!!!!!?"
Bella felt immediately welcomed and had a great time for two minutes, until the door swung open and the aura in the cafeteria changed drastically. Bella was the first one to exclaim. "OMG hoe iz dat hawt vampirr rite der?!!!!!!11!!"
The other girls at the table immediately shunned her by the classic breaking of the nose. "Daz edwurd Cullinz!!!!!!!1!!!? Heez a kool vampire hoot suk ur blud!!!!Eez frum tranzilfeenyuh, cuz all kool vampirs r frum der!!!!!!Heas su hawt!!/11!!"
Bella blushed as her delusional teenage brain imagined Edward looking right at her, immediately deleting all, no matter how little, knowledge, replacing it with mental notes about and drooling and swooning over the ridiculously frustrated-looking vampire boy.
Edward, however, didn't see anything and had been plagued by ridiculously heavy eyebrows ever since birth.
He did, however notice he was no longer walking on the remains of thirteen year-old pudding, but had walked his expensive vampire-designer shoes into a puddle of drool.
Frowning – and with that, hiding his nose with his massive eyebrows – he followed the stream until he saw, from underneath the hairy mess above his eyes, girly, not-so-designer shoes.
Flexing his muscles, he said the only sentence his parents had ever taught him.
"I vant tu suk yur blud!"
Bella gasped and seemed to interpret this rather obvious sentence as "lick my shoes!" and, even though speaking all-out, perfect English was ridiculously old-fashioned, she figured it was a vampire thing and feverishly started to also cover the upper half of his shoes in dripping saliva.
Edward was not amused, kicked Bella right underneath her already broken nose – Bella saw Edward breaking your teeth as a sign of love, and a great honour – and walker on to his special vampire table, with the other vampires who had been standing and looking at the entertaining event, and Bella, still trying to control the massive blood flow from her nose, had gained a remarkable amount of female admirers.
She crawled back to her seat, spraying a fountain of blood as she turned her head, and turned to gossip about that one lame prep who tried to be like them by listening to Paramore.
"Su, belluh, whut wuz h liek!!!!!!11!?!"
All girls gathered around her, some crawling on the table to be able to catch a glimpse of the girl whose face got bashed in by the one and only Edward Cullen.
Bella sighed dreamily and with that, managed to accidentally gash her head open on the table. "Eez shuz….…"
All girls nodded and bashed their heads on the table in an attempt to fall in Edward's bashing criteria. "End…….!!!!!? Wutz wit dem?!!!!!"
"Der……..pedded!!!!!!!1!" she yelled, as she showed the print of Edward's padded shoes on her lips.
All had an orgasm and fainted.
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"Oki gais!!!!!!!Wellcum 2 da 1st kemstri lessun!!!!!!!!"
OMG, Bella thought, ai hafta zit nekst 2 Edwurd!!!!!!?
Swiftly, she set her body to protection mode, counted to three and combusted, killing two blonde girls praying on her cute little vicious vampire, and, after gathering her body parts together, hopped to sit on the spot next to the famous vampire.
Edward turned around.
He thought he heard something, but his eyebrows were still blocking his sight. He hoped it wasn't that creepy girl again; his shoes had just been switched and he didn't feel like changing another pair of saliva-dripping socks.
He blew and felt his eyebrows change position, rendering his capable of seeing hairy blurs, a particular hairy blur sitting right next to him.
"I vant- "
"Yo man muh naem is Belluh ai no u r Edwurd n u r a vampir u r su hawt wud u liek 2 secks mee i em 16 ok."
From that point on, Edward decided that he hated all girls, would go gay for a yet unmentioned werewolf we'll call Jacubz for convenience, and with that, kill the entire official plot.
He blatantly ignored the girl since he had no further interest in vagina, and spent five minutes tolerating her whining until he decided he had had enough and, with one short movement, jabbed his lab equipment in her throat, only to decide that was not enough payback for five minutes of figurative Hell, and stabbed out her left eyeball, breaking her kneecap for good measure.
Right when he wanted to simply rip her ear off, the bell rang. Eerie, how coincidental those things can be.
He stood up and bounced out of the room, trying to avoid the puddles of drool of onlooking girls, the last thing he heard being "OMG Belluh u r su lukki!!!!!!"
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Edward didn't understand girls.
Where he came from, spitting in someone's face was an insult.
So was breaking someone's nose, kneecap or arm, or peeing on someone's shoes.
The girls only seemed to think of this as the biggest compliment in the world, even when he tried to go for the opposite approach and be nice for a while. Those turned out to be the worst fifteen minutes of his life.
After a few hours of observing, he had also observed some secret language they seemed to speak, yet, no matter how long he tried, he hadn't been able to decipher it.
Girls would forever remain a mystery to him. Especially that girl the others called 'Belluh'. What had gotten into her, he didn't know, but he knew for certain that that girl needed either serious medication or a straitjacket.
This is why Edward was too occupied to notice a car speeding up to the one named Belluh, who was just about to get on an imaginative bike, and when hearing yelling and turning his head around, he saw nothing but eyebrow.
Bella didn't come to school the next day.
Edward noticed he didn't mind.