a/n: I know this has been done by so many and better than this but the muse shouted ANGST at me and I was helpless to refuse. This is sort an exploration of another style of writing so it's narrative and sort of mixed with a bit of stream of conscious thought if that makes sense?
Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who or any character in the whoverse.
Bad Wolf Bay…
Rose fell to her knees sinking into cold wet sand of Bad Wolf Bay as the impact of what had just occurred cascaded over her like shards of broken glass from a shattered window. The chill of frigid water and wind whipping through her hair were nothing compared to the emotional devastation now overwhelming her senses. She had been through so much and traveled so far and thought she had regained what she had lost more than three years ago. Relief, joy, fear, confusion, she had felt all of these practically simultaneously in the past few hours and now here she was back where she started, but yet it wasn't the same. He was here yet he had abandoned her.
She was so tired and lost and bereft. He had left her doing just what he said he would never do; and yet, he hadn't left her. It was so confusing. Everything was a jumble in her mind from all the dimension jumps and the vast number of universes she had traversed in her dedicated quest to find him. The only thing she held on to was finding him and everything would be all right. She believed in him more than anything.
Now, she didn't know what to believe in. This man, this alien in which she had stored so much faith, love and devotion had turned his back on her, and yet not. So many thoughts coursing through her head, she asked her question determined to put him on the spot and not let him just walk away and make a decision for her like he was so apt to do. His answer, so typical of him and yet, there was the him that stayed, the him that answered her, told her what she always hoped to be true. Hearing those precious, sacred words, she reacted without thought, just on feeling. It was impossible for her not to pull him close, press her lips to his in passion, meld herself against him until she was certain she couldn't tell where he began and she ended. The only thing interrupting this bonding of soul and mind was the sad mournful goodbye of the tardis as she determaterialized from this universe for the last time.
There was no mistaking it this time, this was goodbye, forever, and yet not. He was still here, beside her, now kneeling beside her, whispering in her ear of his sorrow at leaving her and begging her for her faith, to believe in him one more time. Tears now pouring down her face, falling into the sand as if planting the seeds of her sorrow to germinate into something more, a beautiful tribute to an eternal love between two friends and lovers whose devotion to each other was so unbreakable not even time and space could separate them. She wept into his arms, weeping not only for herself but for him and for all that they would not have together as well as all that the him that stayed would have with her, but the him that left would never know.
Finally, emotionally drained, she pulled away from him and gazed into his eyes seeking out that elusive light or essence that was essentially Doctor, proving to herself that this was indeed him, the him that she felt time itself had bound them together. He spoke at last breaking the silence. He declared himself to be her Doctor, the same Doctor that grabbed her hand and told her to "Run" in a dark basement beneath a London shop oh so long ago. The same Time Lord who she ate chips with, walked among the frozen waves of Women Wept, battled Daleks, Slitheen and defended the Earth. He reminded her of regeneration and believing in him and compared himself now to then, that time she had lost faith in him and asked her to remember.
When she finally found the words, it was if they were lodged in her throat. Suddenly, words were more than just letters strung together, they were the denotation of everything she was feeling and wanted to convey to him. There could be no mistakes or misinterpretations, what happened here and now was a foundation for their future. She had to be sure, had to make sure he understood, as well as helped her understand.
He said her name "Rose". As his emotional and cracked voice said her name, a dam broke within her and the words poured out. Questions surged forth. Are you still you; Are you going to get bored and leave me; am I enough for you; I've changed so much, are you sure you want me; can you live with this life day after day; will you be all right; what about us. His answer, to take her hand, and affirm he was her Doctor and he would never leave her unless she asked him to, this was their forever and he wasn't going to waste it. She stood up grasping his hand, her eyes not leaving his. There was so much ahead of them, so much yet unwritten. The feeling of his loss was still an acrid taste in her mouth but one that was quickly diminishing as she stood with him holding his hand. In that moment, holding his hand in hers, gazing into his deep soulful mahogany colored eyes, she made her choice, no matter what the future had in store for them, she wasn't going to leave him.
Moving on and back to home….
The same charming smile, the babbling and bubbling forth of bits and pieces of trivia and information all the while holding her hand; it was like pieces to a puzzle, it all started to fit together in her mind and heart. From the simple joy, of traveling by car, rail or zeppelin and the zest for life for all the things she took for granted but which for him were just the next great adventure, further assured her and confirmed that inside this him, this duplicate, this metacrisis, was Her Doctor. The slow path she thought she could escape became the means to evaluate and gain insight to not only her feelings but of him, who he is now and how they would fit into this world together. The journey created almost a false interval of time, a special uninterrupted moment before life would intrude and force them to admit to themselves, they could no longer run from the truth and escape and lose themselves in time. They had this time, this now, this future. Closer and closer they came to London and finally, the tightly shut and taughtly wound Time Lord revealed himself to her. Tears leaked down his face as the horror and loss from their time apart came spilling out as he fell to his knees before her. She was his only refuge, his absolution for a millennia of mistakes, war, death and so much loss. As the words tumbled from him in an avalanche of despair, she did the only thing she knew, she held him and called his name, Doctor, my Doctor. He gripped onto her as if she was Persephone and Hades himself was coming to sweep her to the underworld. The epiphany for them was their shared grief and loss, loss of the Tardis, and the loss of their friends throughout time and space in the universe of their birth. But time would not still for them, not anymore and soon they would reach the place on this Earth where the new reality was waiting for them like an impatient lover. The sound of Jackie's voice speaking to Pete Tyler was the final sign, the sign for them to assemble their armor to face the oncoming hoards of this new domestic life, this life where there were jobs, a mortgage, doors and windows. But, this time, the armor would not keep each other out, for each held the key to the other.
London
Inside a small London flat two friends were learning how challenging living life day after day could be. The Time Lord for whom all of time and space was virtually his back yard, was forced to compress his drive for adventure and exploration into a tiny spot in time and space called London. Frustration and exasperation with the tasks of daily life were inevitable. It was unavoidable and almost expected his growing dissatisfaction would rupture in a violent tantrum of epic proportions.
The Time Lord was not the only one brimming with resentment against the sheer injustice of life and feeling trapped, stifled in a world of work and daily minutiae. Rose found herself once again throwing herself into the tedious rut of Torchwood and the constant barrage of solving endless alien dilemmas and avoiding the distraught Time Lord in her flat. In the flat, she found no peace or refuge but only an angry Time Lord taking vengeance against the world around him through his destruction of property and bitterly bellowing at her. His choice of ammunition was his angry accusations against her occupation and choices.
The culmination of this growing dissatisfaction exploded like a supernova with all its heat, destruction and chaos. The words exchanged were dark and accusatory. More than belongings were broken and shattered this day. He wanted freedom, to choose what he did and when without answering to anyone or anything, to live his life like he always had and not diminish himself in this human construct. His hatred for Torchwood was foremost at the crux of the hateful words he hurled at her. She retaliated by reminding him who provided his meals, clothes, shelter and means to fill his day as he wished. Whether he favored Torchwood or not, it was their patron. In the end it was his final words that sealed the destruction and implosion of a friendship and love that seemed unstoppable. He called her cold, uncaring and ambitious without a care of who or what she hurt in the process. The words were like a knife cutting to the core of her belief in him and the fragile love which had reignited despite the tumultuous recent events. The words she thought would never leave her lips suddenly leapt from them - Get Out. His response was a bottle of wine smashed against a cold white wall leaving rivulets of red trailing down to the floor as evidence of the malignant words hurled about. His parting words, as you wish. Silence. Nothing but Silence until she shattered as completely as the wine bottle laying in pieces before her.
Meaningless immeasurable days passed. It was as if she fell into the void, that dark horrible place that was comparable to perdition. She never left the flat reporting to Torchwood that she suffered from a vicious case of flu. Laying and sitting in sorrow, she reflected at all that had passed upon returning to London from Bad Wolf Bay. As she nervously chewed her thumb nail, she could do nothing but lay blame upon herself for not anticipating his frustration and finding this life contemptible and constrained.
Then there was a sound at the door. Her first thought was to sink further down into the darkness and hide herself away but then she heard him. She raced to the door as if a Dalek army was in pursuit. The obstacle to her ultimate goal, a dead bolted door was practically ripped from its frame as she ran down the interminable hall to reach his retreating form. She threw herself at him, into his awaiting arms, both weeping inconsolably and both saying the words that they had been living the past days, I'm sorry I love you.
Finally, reality of their location filtered into their minds and they walked back to the scene of the real worst day of their lives. Standing at the door, they turned and gazed at one another. Rose broke the silence. She told him she couldn't do this thing, this arguing, and ripping each other apart. For every insult hurled at him, a piece of herself was torn away. She needed him like she needed to breathe and she wasn't going to let anything tear them apart. This flat felt like a prison, not a home but she wanted it to be a home, their home together. Please let this be our home together she pleaded. He smiled and took her hand bringing it to his lips and asked her if she could find it in her heart to give him and them one more chance to build something. He acknowledged that in his grief and frustration he had placed all the burden on her instead of sharing it between them. It wouldn't be easy and there would be days of disagreements mixed with days of joy and adventure. Throughout it all, they grew closer until finally they were ready to burst forth into the future, to live, breath and grow together.
a/n: I suppose you could consider this a prequel of sorts to The Adventure Found Them and sort of explains that yes, they did need to work things out before the reached the established relationship in that fic. Hmmm I'm not sure but anyway there it is.