Blue Skies
TW: cutting
It became habit.
Closing the door with the click of the lock being the only noise heard in the bedroom. Rei didn't bother turning on the light as he slowly walked on the hardwood floor. His bare feet touched the familiar carpet and he eased himself onto his bed.
It was already sunset, Rei noted, and neither parent had returned from work.
Sitting in silence for what felt like hours, he finally turned around facing the ceiling. Rei heard a continuous whirring noise. He covered his head with his pillow.
He lifted his head, moving the pillow from squishing his glasses to the back of his head. The sun was almost completely over the horizon. The lack of light from his window told him that. He lowered his hands from the hold they had on the pillow and brought them to his stomach. He clasped his hands together, sighing.
Rei took a glance over at his clock. The bright red digits read that it was almost dinner time. Rei's stomach grumbled in agreement with the time.
He closed his eyes again. Ignoring his stomach, ignoring the time, ignoring the insistent whirring noise. Neither of his parents had returned home yet. The house was still, but Rei's mind was not.
Questions, numbers, fog, whirring, swimming, Nagisa, Makoto, Haru. All persistent thoughts ran through his mind, melding together clumsily. Rei lost focus.
Delicately, Rei unfolded his hands and brought them back up to the pillow his head rested upon. His fingers gripped tightly around the cotton sheets. It wasn't enough. It never was.
It was habit.
Rei sat up and turned on the lamp that sat on his headboard. He leaned over the side of his bed, opening the drawer next to him. He lifted up the reference books that sat above what he was looking for.
It laid in a small purple pouch, loosely wrapped together with a golden string. Rei picked it up gently, and placed it onto the bed next to him. He put the books back into the drawer before opening up the one below it to pull out his aftercare supplies.
Rei comfortably moved back into a lying position onto his bed. He shimmied out of his pants and boxers, just enough to expose the skin on his hips. He ran his fingers over the bone.
Reaching for the pouch, Rei hesitated and looked towards his locked bedroom door. Once he remembered that he was alone did he continue.
He pulled out an x-acto knife from the pouch and reviewed it, giving it a once over. Without looking, he picked up an alcohol rub from his first aid kit that lied next to him. Stray alcohol patches begun to sink, following the path of his body weight. He did not mind the ugly texture that grazed against the exposed piece of skin on his side and back.
Once the metal was thoroughly cleaned off Rei looked it over. He nodded in approval before bringing it down to his exposed hip.
Habit.
Rei took a slight breath in, gently placing the cold piece of metal onto his already scarred skin. And he let out a breath air as he pressed down, the searing pain reaching him seconds after.
He was reminded of Nagisa, Makoto, and Haru. How they all smiled at him. Rei bit his lip in an attempt to hold back his voice, feeling a noise mixed with relief and sorrow come from his throat. The whirring noise had calmed down. His stomach churned with guilt.
Habit was running the knife against his skin three more times, in between the parts of skin that were now healing.
Not beautiful, Rei thought to himself.
The alcohol coated napkin burned from his hip to his bellybutton. He hissed, showing more emotion than when he did the act itself. It always hurt more after.
He cleaned the x-acto knife in the silence of his room. He heard the front door open, and keys clanged against the table. His mother was home.
Rei did not rush in his cleaning process. Instead he took a few moments longer to bandage himself up and place his items back in their respective places. He put the used napkins under crumpled papers in the trash bin, hiding any forms of evidence.
Taking a deep breath in, Rei turned his lamp off and got up. He remembered to turn his bedroom light on before opening the door with a bright smile.
"Mother, welcome home, " He pushed his glasses up, "would you like me to make curry for dinner?"
His mother smiled up at him, "I would like that very much."
Rei walked past her, silence filling his head as he only felt the dull throb of his hip now. He began preparing supper in that same silence.
It was habit.
Blue Skies by Noah and the Whale.
Crap I came up with that hits pretty close to home for me. I feel like I'm drunkenly calling out into the void.
Anyways I hope you are happy and healthy! Thank you for the read.