Okay, so this is not usually what I write, but whatever. I got this idea a while ago, so I had to get it out. You'll understand more at the end.
It's lonely being on the outside. It's so hard to watch as someone you thought you were meant to be with be blissfully happy with someone else. But, it's what I do six days out of the week. I stand by and watch as they smile at each other. I stand by and watch as they close their eyes for one simple kiss. It's fucking hell.
"This is nice," I tell Haley. "I'm glad you guys wanted to do this barbecue." It's a nice day. Perfectly sunny, warm weather, with a cool breeze to keep you comfortable. "It seems like it's been forever since we all hung out like this."
"Yeah," Haley nods. "That's what I thought. Plus, Jamie has been begging me for a swimming party for the last two weeks," she laughs as she watches her son jump into her in ground pool. I watch as Haley sub-consciously rubs her ever growing belly. She's not very far along, only a few months, but rubbing her belly has become some what of a habit of hers, even though you still can't tell she's pregnant. And when I watch her do it, I get jealous. Maybe I'll never find the person I belong with. Or maybe I already have, but I'm not meant to belong to him.
It's been years since I've been with him, and since he's been with her. Hell, I should have been over him a long time ago. It's just so hard to give up on something that felt so real. I still don't know how he gave up on something that felt so real. Maybe it wasn't real to him. Maybe what he feels for her is so much stronger than what he felt for me.
"They're so perfect it's fucking sickening," I let slip from my mouth as I watch Lucas rub his wife's basketball belly and kiss her lips.
"Peyton," Haley scolds, "he's happy, you know. Very happy. Besides, I thought you got over that a long time ago."
"I am. I did!" I try to cover up my disdain. "I just can't believe two people can be so perfect together."
"It is kind of sickening," Haley snickers. "Who would have thought, right? I mean, we all thought he was destined to be with you."
"So did I," I sigh. "I mean, they're on their third child and still can't keep their hands off each other."
It's true. All week long I watch as they snuggle, kiss, hide in closets. I mean, really, who actually stays in love like that past the first year of being together? I should have never agreed to start up the business with them. I knew it was going to be nothing but punishment.
"It's romantic," Haley's eyes get cloudy. "How they are, it's so romantic. The way their eyes light up when they look at each other. I thought Nathan and I had perfect chemistry, but those two. Damn."
"Thanks for rubbing it in," I grumble. I should have been over this a long time ago.
A long time ago, I can remember the look in Lucas' eyes when he came to talk to me. He felt bad, I could tell. But, the way he talked about her. The way his eyes lit up with just saying her name, I knew it was done with. He let me down easy, telling me he was sorry, but I needed to back off so he could give it a go. And I did, because I thought that it wouldn't be long before he was coming back to me. Hell, we were destiny back then. And now, ten years later, I shouldn't say I'm still waiting for him to come back, because I have given up on it, but I still am dwelling.
"Peyton, it's been ten years," Haley points out. "Ten years that they've been together, you should be used to it by now."
"I am used to it," I sigh. "Sometimes I just wonder what would have happened if I wouldn't have let him go. What if I wouldn't have given him my blessing?"
"Then you probably would have been completely without him, because nothing was coming in the middle of those two."
She's right. I know she's right. But, damn it, why does she have to be right? Why can't those two be miserable like most married couples after ten years? But, no, they have to be the happiest couple on the face of the Earth. And I just so happen to be witness to it every day.
"Why are you bringing all this up, anyway?"
"I don't know," I shrug. "I guess I'm just having a feel sorry for myself day."
"You need to get out there and start dating, Peyton. He's not coming back, you know."
"I know," I sigh. "I knew when he told me about them that he was never coming back. I just never imagined that they'd be this happy. How is it even possible? And it's not just them, they have like the most perfect kids ever!"
"It was a bad idea for you to go into business with them."
"I know."
Lucas leans into her and whispers something into her ear. And it's something so funny that I can hear her laugh from all the away across the yard. Probably just another of their inside jokes. The things they don't share even with their closest friends. Something magical just between the two of them.
I walk away from Haley, and try to keep my attention anywhere except for on him and her. And I keep my eyes away, but my ears can pick up him telling her he loves her. I must really be in a self hating mood, because usually their happiness doesn't affect me this much.
"Hey Peyton," my best friend Brooke comes up to me. And I give her my best smile.
"Hey, B. Davis," I smile. "Having fun?"
"Yep," she nods her head. She's glowing these days. I'm jealous, too. Because we're well out of high school, but for some reason she doesn't look like she's aged one effin day.
"How are you holding up?" She asks. She can tell I'm in a bad mood. She can always tell.
"I'm doing okay," I shrug. "Just feeling sorry for myself."
"Peyton," her voice drops. I know this voice. It's the 'I'm sorry, but quit being a baby' voice. She always uses it on me. "What's the matter?" I know she has to force this question out, because she has to be sick of my bad moods by now.
"I just-I don't know. I just thought by now I would have someone and be starting my own family, you know? But, here I am, still alone. And I'm the only one."
"Hey, you have a great life," she tries to cheer me up. "So you didn't settle down like the rest of us. Who cares? You're single, and free, Peyton. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that."
"Yeah, but maybe I want a kid. Maybe I want to be married. You are." God, I sound like such a baby. But, ten years of watching him be happy with her, has certainly taken its toll.
"Peyton," she sighs, and looks away from me. She hates when I throw her happiness into her face. I'm such a bitch. But damn it, she has it all! "I don't know what this is about, but you need to pull yourself out of this. If you're not happy with your life, then change it." She walks away, and I'm actually glad that she does. A few more minutes, and I probably would have been confessing to her how much I want Lucas to come back to me. How much I want to be the mother of his children.
The day eventually turns into night, and the air becomes crisp. We're all outside still, just enjoying being together. Well, for the most part. Because I can't help but cringe every time Lucas leans over and kisses her on the neck, or she grabs his hand and smiles. It should be me. I know it should be me.
Everyone starts to head inside. Everyone except for Lucas. He, instead, gives his wife a kiss, and walks out towards the beach. Everyone's gone, now, except for me sitting alone in a chair. I don't follow the rest inside, instead, I walk out towards the ocean; towards Lucas. He's just standing with his hands in his pocket, staring out over the ocean, a smile on his face. And it makes me smile. I wonder what he is thinking about. What memories are going through his head?
"Hey," I speak softly, and it scares him. He jumps a little and turns towards me.
"Oh, hey Peyton," he smiles. "You scared me. I thought everyone went inside."
"They did," I nod. "I just didn't want to. What are you doing out here?"
"Just thinking," he shrugs. "I have a lot of memories on this beach," he smiles and looks up at the stars. "A lot of important moments happened for me here."
"Yeah," I nod, and look down. I take a step towards him. He's not talking about our memories, because none of them were really on the beach. And it makes me frown. "You're really happy, aren't you?"
"Yeah, I am." God, his smile is so big. Why does his smile have to be so big? "Are you happy?"
"Um, you know, about as happy as I can be," I shrug. "Sometimes I wonder about what could have been, you know?"
"You know, it's funny. I always thought I would. When I found out about the HCM, and stuff, and I just always thought one day I was going to look back and think about what I could have been. But, I'm here now, and I don't. I never thought it was possible to be this happy."
"Yeah." He really is stabbing the knife in deep, and he doesn't even know it. "You don't ever wonder about us?"
He turns around quickly, and squints. He's not sure what to say, I can tell by the blank expression he wears.
"I mean, I know you're happy and all that, but like, what if I would have said yes at that hotel room, you know? Would we still be married? Would I be having your kid right now?" I chuckle a little, hoping to make it sound more like a joke than serious.
"Peyton," his voice drops. "I'm really happy."
"I know," I put my hands up. "I know you are. I just-sometimes I can't help but think about it. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if maybe you were my destiny, you know? I mean, I haven't found anyone else."
He closes his eyes for a brief moment, and then opens them. "A long time ago, maybe I did think that. Maybe I did kind of wonder if I was making a mistake."
My heart becomes light, and my lips form a smile. So he has thought about us. It makes me feel so much better.
"But I know I made the right choice," he adds. "I love Brooke with all of my heart. I think I always have. I was just afraid to take that chance with her, because you were always safe."
"Safe?" I scoff. "Lucas, you wrote a book about us."
"I know," he shakes his head. "And if I could make you understand how I feel, I would, but it's unexplainable. How I feel for Brooke, it's unexplainable. With you, I mean it felt right, you know? But with her, I feel whole. Like she really is my other half."
"Lucas," I can feel tears forming in my eyes. I have no idea why I do this to myself. It's like the same even from ten years ago is happening all over again. I can remember it plain as day.
"Peyton, I-we need to talk," Lucas sighs, and grabs my hand. I know it's not good, and I'm not sure I even want to deal with it.
"Sure, Lucas," I try to stay optimistic. He hasn't exactly been friendly with me lately, ever since Lindsey left him, so I am glad to accept any kind of niceness from him. "What's up?"
He breathes a deep breath. "I don't feel the need to ask your permission, but I have to if I want to keep her. And, Peyton, this is very important to me. To us, really. But, please, just understand that this isn't something that's been going on for a long time. It hasn't been. It's just, over the past couple of weeks, I've fallen in love."
My heart falls into my stomach. My Lucas? In love with someone else? "Y-you have?" I choke out.
"Yeah," he nods. "It's Brooke," he drops on me, and everything else goes silent. Brooke? It's like high school is happening all over again. I'm going to have to compete with Brooke again for Lucas' love? "Please, Peyton, don't get mad at her, this wasn't expected. In fact, it was very unexpected. It's just, with Angie being her, and we've been spending a lot of time together, and I love her, Peyton."
"Brooke?" I choke over my own words. "You're in love with Brooke?"
"Yes," he nods. "And normally I wouldn't rub something like this in your face, but I can't have a relationship with her if you're not okay with it. I need to know that you won't get in our way. She needs to know that you'll back off."
"Back off?"
"Yes, Peyton, back off. She won't even try a relationship with me if you're not okay with it. And Peyton, I know we kind of have some unresolved stuff, but, I want to be with her. I'm in love with her."
"I-I don't know what to say," I shake my head. I can feel my heart shattering into a million pieces. But, the guilt of their last break-up, the guilt of having feelings for Lucas the whole time Brooke was with him last time. I have to be okay. I have to be okay with this for her. It might be the most selfless thing I've ever done, but she's given him up for me once. And once their relationship falls apart, I know he'll come back to me.
"Say you're okay with it," he presses. "Tell her that it's okay that she be with me. Because the way I see it, Brooke will never be as happy with anyone else like she will be with me. And I'll never be as happy with anyone else as I am with her."
His words from the past echo in my head. He knew he would never be as happy with me as he would be with her. And maybe I know that, too. It's just so hard to give up the one person you thought you were destined to be with. Even ten years later.
"Peyton, you're a great friend. I mean, we get each other, right? We always have. But, Brooke and I, we're great together. Sometimes its like I can't get enough of her. I can't give that up. I can't give up my family, because I wouldn't be able to breath without them."
"I know, Lucas," I try to smile. "I know, I'm just dwelling, is all."
"Are you okay, Peyton?"
"Yeah," I nod my head. "Yeah. I'm fine."
"Why don't you come inside with me?"
"I think I'm going to stay out here for a minute, okay?"
"Okay," he nods. He gives my arm a squeeze before walking past me towards the house.
So, this is how it's forever going to be. I will always wonder what if, and he'll always be happy with the one person he is meant to be with. I take in a deep breath. I can get through it. I can survive. I have for the past ten years. I survived being the maid of honor, I survived being the godmother, and now I can survive the rest of it.
I know, creepy, right? I'm writing through Peyton's eyes? Well, honestly, I kind of wanted to do something that would rub in Peyton's face how happy Lucas could be without her, so that's what I did! Plus, I don't like Puketon, so it was a lot of fun making her suffer! LOL It's not my most favorite that I've ever written, but it was fun.