TITLE: Staying at his side
AUTHOR: green7silver
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything. J.K. Rowling, Warner Bros. and I don't know who else do.
FEEDBACK: Would love it.
EMAIL: This has not much plot. Just a long discussion and a lot of hurt and comfort. Thank you Majin for being my beta.
Sirius Black sighed deeply "safely" aber "What is he?" -> "safe driver" Immer wenn sich das Wort auf das Verb bezieht, kommt –ly, wenn es sich auf das Nomen bezieht, dann nicht. > as he settled down in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place No. 12, "I really admire Dumbledore, but this is a bit much asked, don't you think?"
"I know, you hate to be here and not being able to leave the house," Remus Lupin smiled sympathetic, "but Dumbledore is too busy to be here himself. And even when you don't like Snape …"
"Loathing would be a better word to express my feelings. Okay, Snape is a spy. I'm not sure if we can trust him really, but okay. But asking us to look after him when he returns …"
"You know, I don't like him either, especially since he got me sacked, and I can imagine that you don't like to have him in the house but it is just for a few days," Remus tried to calm him.
"Oh, it's not to prepare a room for him. If he wants to stay, fine. The problem is more that we shall care for him. What is Dumbledore expecting us to do? Holding his hand?"
"Hardly, but this is the first time he is going to Voldemort again and they were not sure whether he would believe Snape. So, it's no wonder that Dumbledore doesn't want him to return to an empty house. However, we promised Dumbledore to wait for him – and you know how much we owe him."
"I know," Sirius sighed, "okay, I'd rather go to bed but … would you fancy a game of wizard chess?"
They had to wait until midnight before the bell rung. While Sirius was silencing his mother, Remus opened the door.
Snape seemed not to be pleased to see them. "Where is Dumbledore?" he asked impolitely.
"Albus had an important appointment, so he asked us …" began Lupin.
"To go on my nerves ?" Snape sneered, "you can tell him that Voldemort has bought my story. And now, I shall return to Hogwarts."
"Dumbledore wants you to stay here until he arrives. I prepared a room in the second floor for you," informed him Sirius.
Snape nodded briefly and without a word of thanks, he headed to the staircase.
"Let's go to bed," murmured Sirius, "the greasy git is back alive – unfortunately."
"Wait a minute," Remus held him back. The sharp werewolf senses had recognised blood and something else.
Snape slammed the door of the bathroom behind him before he broke down to the floor. Finally alone, he couldn't master his nausea longer. He started to vomit – and then the shudders ensued. Soon, he was too weak to hold himself upright any longer. Short before falling in his own vomit, someone caught him and held him gently by his shoulders. Remus. Then also Sirius was at his side, supporting his head with one hand, using the other to hold his hair out of his face. Snape couldn't stop throwing up for a long while, while the two men were holding him patiently.
Finally, he stopped, leaning heavily on Remus for support.
"God, Sev, what have they done to you?" asked the werewolf, shocked. He got no answer but could feel the other man trembling violently.
"I just get a towel – Lumos," murmured Sirius. "Oh, Merlin," for the first time they caught a proper sight on Snape, since the travel cloak had fallen to the floor. He was full of blood and dirt.
"What are we doing now, Siri?" Remus looked up with a helpless expression to Sirius, "we are no mediwizards. Maybe we should try to reach Poppy."
"Don't worry," murmured Severus exhaustedly, „they never leave deep physical wounds. Too conspicuous..." He laughed bitterly, but the laugh soon turned into a coughing fit.
"Quiet," Remus pulled him tighter and exchanged another glare with Sirius.
"We should clean him up – and then I'm bigger than you >look what we can do for him," Sirius knelt down before them, "Severus we have to get you undressed, okay?"
Snape nodded slowly.
"Good," very carefully they got him undressed and revealed more bruises and bleeding wounds. Severus stayed motionless until they reached his pants. Then he winced and tried to step back.
"Hey, that's not the right time to be ashamed," Black caught his arm and held him but was startled of the terror he saw in the black eyes, "Severus, we are not going to hurt you!" Severus nodded after a moment and forced himself not to flinch, while Remus pulled down his pants but both could see how much strength it had cost him. "Merlin," he whispered.
Even there he was hurt and the wounds looked as if a dig had caused them, how Remus realized shuddering. Severus looked ashamed to the floor.
"Just go under the shower," Remus pulled him gently under the warm water. Not minding that their robes become wet the remaining marauders stepped in, too. Remus wrapped an arm around Severus to hold him upright while Sirius washed him as careful as possible.
"That should be alright," he murmured, looking rather helpless to the more sensitive zones, "but I'm afraid that has to be cleaned too, hasn't it?"
"It might be better, I suppose," Remus looked equally worried.
Sirius sighed deeply. "It will hurt, Severus, but I try to be careful, I promise," he said with a soothing voice.
"Just hold on to me," Remus placed Snape's hands on his shoulders und held him tightly. He could feel the whole body tensing and Severus' hands grub deep into his own shoulders. "Shh," soothingly, he stroked over his back and looked worriedly to the pale face, hoping that Sirius would be finished soon.
Sirius cursed inwardly, he hated to do so, but he couldn't ´t stop until the wounds were clean at least for the eye. Finally, it seemed okay.
"It's fine. It's already over. Just relax again. I wash your hair, okay?"
He put some shampoo in Severus' hair and massaged his scalp until he felt Severus' tension fading a bit, then he washed it out.
Severus was nearly unconscious as they dried him and cared for his wounds.
"So, it's nearly done," Remus helped him to slip into his pyjama while Sirius got a vial with blue liquid, "That will ease your pain." He helped him to drink a bit and lent him his arm to help him to his bed.
"Try to sleep. We'll stay at your side."
Severus managed to nod before he fell asleep.
"Why does it always have to be cold in this dammed house?" murmured Sirius and lit a fire while Remus cleaned up the mess in the room a bit. Then they settled down side by side to Severus.
For nearly an hour he slept in peace before he began to move uneasily and to whisper softly. "An nightmare?" murmured Remus.
"I think we should try to weak him."
However, that was not easy. Severus was too weak to actually stay awake for longer than a few minutes and quickly was caught in nightmares again. Not before morning, his dreams came to ease and he slept peacefully.
"Finally," whispered Sirius relieved, "it will do him good to rest for a while. My, these nightmares were nasty, weren't they?"
"Yes, and did you catch what he was dreaming about?"
"I know what you mean. I didn't get much – I think most has to do with his time as a Death Eater. But there is still that night in the shrieking shack, which is terrifying him," Sirius sighed deep, "Merlin, Remus, I didn't want that. It should be just a prank, but it …" he shrugged helplessly, "what we did then was really cruel, wasn't it?"
"A bit late to realize that. And it will do no good to torture yourself now," Remus touched the arm of his friend lightly, "but we owe him a lot, I think."
"You're right. Whatever he is in, we owe him, to get him out of it, if it's possible."
Severus awoke very slowly. He felt disorientated and asked himself idly why one of his hands was warm and the other not. He blinked. Two shadowy figures sat by his bed. What had happened? He tried to sit up, but felt immediately dizzy.
"Shh, better stay quiet," two hands were lain on his shoulders and he was dragged back to the bed, "you are still weak."
Severus looked up to Sirius Black and his memories slowly came back.
"How long have I slept?" his voice was hoarse.
"Nearly the whole day," answered Lupin and as Severus turned his head to him he realized that he was holding his left – warm – hand.
"How are you?" asked the werewolf gently, "thirsty? Do you think you could drink something, yet?"
"Yes, I'm very thirsty."
"Good, just wait a moment," Remus let his hand go and got a glass of fresh water out of the bathroom. Sirius supported his head for a moment and Remus held the glass to his lips and carefully administered him the water sip for sip.
"Better?"
"Yes, thank you, for staying at my side."
"That's okay. But Severus – you had a lot of nightmares, there seems to be a lot of things tormenting you. Maybe it would help you to talk about it. If you want," Remus smiled nervously, "I know, we never had a good relationship, but if it would relieve you …"
"Maybe," Severus sighed, "but I never have spoken about it, before." He didn't want to speak about this, especially not with Lupin and Black, but he felt somehow a bit light-headed and part of him was only too eager to get rid of all the memories, even when it was only for a short time.
"You don't have to be afraid," Sirius stroked his hair and to Severus' surprise that was actually calming, "you can trust us. This night in the shrieking shack is still torturing you, isn't it?"
Severus nodded. No use to deny that.
"I think we have to go back to our schooldays to help you," said Remus calmly, "to our pranks. They were more hurting than we wanted, weren't they?"
"They were hurting my pride, and that was all I had. But it was more," Severus closed his eyes, "it's not easy to explain." And why the hell was he trying?
"Good, it was … maybe because I was lonely. It was ever difficult being only the heir not the son. I did know more about dark magic than everyone else, but it made me sinister for my peers, even the Slytherin. I was jealous of you – not because of James' Quidditch success, Remus' marks or Sirius' popularity, but because you had each other and because of your liberty. You could do whatever you wanted. And never got really punished. It was unfair. On the one hand, I wanted you to get punished, and on the other … I suppose, I longed to belong to you. The lonely wolf, who wanted nothing more than to belong to the pack and be protected, accepted. But that was of course nothing than a dream. One I couldn't admit even to myself. I knew what you thought of me. You despised, looked down at me. I know, I was a Slytherin, unpopular, closed – what should you find in me? Even in my own house I had no real friends. So your rejection hurt me and for each action you paid back with your pranks to show how low my value was. I tried to fight back but it was always four against one. And each quarrel wounded my sense of self-esteem more. And the shrieking shack was the peak – it was one of the worst nights in my live …" he closed his eyes for a moment. Great I just gave them enough rope to hang me the next time they want to pull a prank. But the werewolf interrupted his thoughts.
"I'm sorry that I frightened you so badly," Remus voice nearly cracked, "when I think that I nearly killed you … I ..."
"No, don't," Severus shock his head, "I know you didn't want to hurt me…" He almost laughed due to Lupin's face, "I know I never told you that, but I came to the conclusion when you were DADA teacher. Not that I intended to tell you …"
"But you did now," interrupted Remus.
"Yes, but only because the medicine you gave me for the pain has the side effect to make my tongue loose, or do you really think I would tell you all that if I could help it?" he smirked as he realized that it was true and he finally had discovered the cause for his wish to speak, "but anyway, I know that you didn't want to hurt me. That your second nature is torturing you. And yes, you scared me to death – no one could face a werewolf without trembling – but that was not the worst – the worst was the thought that my life mattered to you so little that you would have sacrificed it for a prank, just for fun. Do you know how that feels?"
"No – I didn't know that, Severus," Sirius had gone very pale, "I didn't mean…"
"What did you mean then?" Severus asked tiredly.
"I was just angry. You know about my family. And I hated all that was Slytherin. And you, you tried to get us into trouble. I didn't think so far, that could get hurt badly or even killed. It should be just … a joke, something to frighten you. If I had ever known how deep the wounds in your soul were I …"
"Please don't pity me – I couldn't cope with pity."
"I understand," Sirius squeezed his hand slightly, "but I have to say that I'm sorry, I'm deeply sorry. We had a lot of fun hurting you. But only because we never realized what it really meant for you. I'm horrified and I'm sure that James would see that in the same way. I don't know if you can forgive us sometimes. We can't make it undone. There are things you do and you don't know that is wrong or don't mind it. And later you realize what you have done, but it's too late. Maybe you know that."
"Oh I know only too well," instinctively, he touched the dark mark, "you've no idea what I've done."
"Then tell us," murmured Remus.
"I can't."
"You have to talk to cope."
"I became Death Eater when I was eighteen," began Severus slowly, as if it would pain him talking about, "I'm not sure why. I never have really believed in HIM. To be honest, I never cared much about pureness of blood and things like that. And it was not the lusting for power, either. No, it was somehow fury. Of a world for which I never seemed to be more that a greasy git. Of …"
"Of us?" asked Remus carefully.
"Also. I always hated you. But it wasn't just you. There have been not many people in school that were friendly with me. And I hated them all. The pupils that laughed at me. The teacher, which didn't like me, too, and rarely defended me. Even Dumbledore, who seemed much more interested in protecting your secret than in what happened to me. Oh, I liked to be Death Eater in the beginning, I liked hurting people like I had been hurt. I liked to see the fear in their eyes. It went on a time. I made potions, potions to hurt, and potions to kill. I went with the fellow Death Eater to torture muggles. And then I was send to Hogwarts to spy. It was easy – too easy. Dumbledore trusted me for too long – and in the beginning I liked to fool him. I still hated him for the way I was treated in Hogwarts. But soon – to be trusted is a strange feeling. And for the first time, I wished to live without these lies – but I couldn't change so easily. I'm not a Gryffindor and braveness is not a gift of my house. But then …" he closed his eyes for a moment, then spoke again, more quickly, "then something happened. It was another meeting and there was this woman – Amanda Cheesewick – you know, we went in school with her. I think, you know what happened to her. I was the one, who raped and killed her." Snape wanted to break free, run out of the room, out of the house and never come back. But if they had sensed it, both Sirius and Remus embraced him tightly.
"Sh, sh," Remus stroked his hair and Sirius rubbed his back soothingly until the violent trembling stilled.
"What happened?" the werewolf asked very softly, "you don't have to tell if you don't want to but it could be better when you get all of it off you chest."
He buried Severus' head against his shoulder, cradling the other man while Sirius continued to rub his back, "We are here, Sev. Just tell us."
Severus' voice was shaking from suppressed tears, "It was a normal Death Eater meeting. Then Dolohov came with the woman. She had tried to find our headquarters. He found her damn near it. He threw her to the ground. She was laying there before me – and then Voldemort laughed. And he told me to punish her. I didn't want this but you don't know how Voldemort is. I couldn't refuse. I … I just couldn't … I had seen too often what he did to people he was furious with. And I was scared ... I was scared to death .. and so I did what he wanted me to do. I raped her and then I killed her with Avada Kedavra, I …" Severus stopped and Lupin cradled him in his arms, holding him tightly, "sh, it's over."
"You can't imaging how deeply I'm ashamed of what I've done."
"Yes, it was horrible, how the whole war but I doubt that many people would have the braveness to act differently. You shouldn't be ashamed," told him Lupin comfortingly.
"Come on, Sev," Sirius caressed his back slowly, "you couldn't have saved her. They would have killed her anyway and you too."
"But I could have done… I could .." he began to tremble again.
"No you couldn't have. Stop torturing yourself," Lupin kissed him softly on the forehead.
" I just can't cope with all that anymore. All this fury, these memories, all this guilt, all I did wrong in the years. It's too much."
"Yes, it is." Remus pulled him even tighter, "just come here. Stop fighting your tears. It must get out. Let it out, Sev, just let all of it out."
Despite himself Severus began to cry. Remus held him tightly, one arm wrapped around his back with the other hand stroking his hair. Sirius continued to rub his back and traced up and own his spine. The tears didn't still before Severus was exhausted to death. Finally, he leant against Remus, trembling of exhaustion.
"Better now?" asked Remus. "You should try to sleep."
"But …"
"No, Sev, you need to rest," Sirius stroked his back and began softly to hum. Severus slowly began to relax and the two marauders continued to calm him into sleep.
Lupin and Black tiptoed to the kitchen. They were both exhausted now, too.
"I hope he sleeps for a while," Sirius sighed, "I have hated him for years and now I whish I could take his burden on my shoulders somehow."
"I know," Remus sat heavily down, "his soul is so seriously wounded that I've no idea how we could heal it. But it's quite obvious that we owe Severus our help."
"It's more than that, Moony. I think we are the only ones who can actually help him. There is a kind of connection. In some ways he always was part of the marauders – does that make any sense to you?"
"Yes, in some ways he always was around. Not part of the group, but someone who cannot be thought away, when we remember back," Remus yawned, "Merlin, I'm feeling like I haven't slept for weeks."
"Me too. I suppose we should sleep for a while, Snape should sleep for the next hours."
"But if he needs something …"
"You'll be informed," said a cold voice behind them, "at least you found a bit sense, my son."
They turned around, astonished, only to meet the gaze of Mrs. Black, who looked somehow more approvingly than she had ever done before. Confused, the two Gryffindors went to bed.
As Severus woke the next time it was morning. The sun was shining into the room and someone was rubbing his back. For a while, he just remained laying there with closed eyes, enjoying the touch and trying to remember. What had happened? Finally, the conversation from last night came back to his mind. He opened his black eyes to meet Sirius' blue ones.
"Good morning, Severus." He continued rubbing his hand up and down his back, "do you think you could eat something yet? You must be nearly starved."
Severus nodded slowly.
"Good – Kreacher, go and tell Remus, that he can prepare breakfast."
Snape was too exhausted to wonder why the house elf was suddenly so obedient. He tried to sit up but failed.
"Sh, let me help you, Sev," Sirius pulled him up so that Severus was leaning against him, "just let us help you a bit. You still need to rest."
Severus nodded, too exhausted to contradict. It felt comfortable to lean against Black and it was in some ways even nice to be fed by Lupin with scrambled eggs, toast and cake with strawberries.
"Better?" asked Lupin finally. Severus nodded. He was filled with everything he could hold in the moment, "Thank you."
"You are welcome." Remus smiled. "We just want you to get better. You managed to frighten us, you know."
Severus nodded and leaned back against Sirius, who had began to cradle him a bit.
"I told you some things last night," he began after a moment of silence.
"Yes, you did and it was good," answered Sirius quietly.
"I didn't intend to tell you just everything," Severus said with a little voice. He sounded terribly vulnerable.
"Don't be afraid, we won't hurt you," Remus took his hands between his own, "and you didn't tell us everything. We stopped with you going to Dumbledore."
"You don't expect me to tell you more," Severus sounded horrified.
"Please, it's important. We need to know to help you."
"You want to help me?" Severus gave Sirius an unbelieving glare.
"Look, I know we hurt you badly. But we are trying to make it good somehow. So you can make a choice. You can be angry with us for the rest of our lives, we surely deserve it. Or you can let us try to make up to you. To help you out of this crap."
Severus still looked not very trustful but continued anyway, "So I went to Dumbledore to confess everything. It was my only way out of it. And to my shame he forgave me – even tried to console me. Being spy was the only way to pay a bit back … and perhaps his only chance to get someone into the inner circle. And after Voldemort's first fall I was allowed to stay at Hogwarts. I never liked teaching too much, but it was okay – and Hogwarts was the only place I could call home. I know my sarcasm shut me up from approaches of pupils or teachers – it made me lonely but at least no one could hurt me anymore. I was kind of content, at least. Until Harry came to Hogwarts – and everything was in front of my eyes again. I know, I'm not fair to the boy, but he reminds me too much of James, all the humiliation and the debt I never can pay back. I hated the boy who lived, even when I knew it was wrong. But I failed here also. I just couldn't forgive either James, who was dead, nor you, Remus. I noticed that you tried to built a truce with me, but it was hard enough to accept that you were in Hogwarts again. Then another night in the shrieking shack. – I'm not sure whether I ever believed in your guilt, Sirius. I wanted to, yes, but something in me told me … never mind. And I liked the thought of you caught in Azkaban. And everything was back when I came there. So I couldn't listen to you, couldn't admit that I could be wrong. And everything was like in school, I was humiliated and Dumbledore was on your side again, of course. You always were his golden boys and I couldn't get his respect like this, whatever I would do. I was angry and hurt, and it was cruel and mean, to reveal your secret – and I'm sorry, Remus, I'm truly sorry."
"Sh, Sev, it's okay. I'm not angry with you anymore. And Dumbledore does respect you."
"Yes, I have to believe that. Otherwise I would go mad," Severus refused to meet their eyes, "so now I have revealed all my secrets to you, what will you do with it?"
"Try to help you."
"No one can help me, Black. And I'm still not sure that I trust you enough for that matter."
"Of course we can't solve your situation as a spy," Remus sighed, "but we will be here whenever you need us. Just to talk or to comfort you, if you allow it."
"And concerning what we have done to you," Sirius forced Snape to look at him, "we are truly sorry, but we can't change the past only the present, if you let us."
"I'm not sure, if I really want to," Severus whispered, "but I can't cope with it alone anymore."
"Then let us try cope together. Deal?"
"Deal."
Finis